To think I am so fucking crap at this??

[ethelfleda]

Being a mother, I mean.

DS is 11 weeks tomorrow. And of course I've not slept properly since before he was born but I just can't seem to handle it. I feel so angry and frustrated. Nearly every night I would start to feel optimistic about getting more than 2 hours sleep in a row and every night it doesn't happen. I now DREAD bed time. I'm sat here bf my son and have been since ten to 9 and there is no sign of him getting sleepy or finishing any time soon. He is thrashing about on me while he feeds. When he eventually finishes I have to spend ages bringing his wind up so he doesn't throw up his feed... and only then can I put him down and try and sleep myself. By which time I will be so wound up I won't be able to. I really feel like I am failing at this miserably but it's not something you can just stop doing.
I wish I'd have known how bloody hard this would be.
And I know IABU for wallowing in self pity but I am so bloody depressed right now.

What happens if you just don't wind him btw? I never did. No one told me I needed to till my first was about 6 months and he was fine so I just didn't bother with my second! No tummy problems with either.

Thinking you are crap at being a mum is ask past of being a mum. It sounds like your first? You've just exchanged being your own person for being a life support system for your new baby. It's really really tough.
I second posters who say co sleep and feed him lying down. Get Deborah Jackson's book Three in a Bed about safe co sleeping, it will give you your life back, as you will actually get some sleep.

Cosleep if you can! I went through the same thing because I was terrified I would roll over and hurt her. We moved when she was about 12 weeks and I couldn't deal anymore.
Cosleeping saved me and I didn't have any problems transitioning her back to the cot when she was about 8 months and now she sleeps through the night. I even think it helped her because she had positive sleep associations.

I remember being discharged from the ward and thinking oh I'll go to bed around 10pm tonight I'm so tired then realised I had a real-life human who controlled when I slept from now on l.It was a Massive shock and like pp I'm not having any more because of the sleep deprivation

Where does your baby sleep?

The single thing that helped me get sleep more than anything else was a three sided cot that attached to the bed.

My first baby would feed for literally hours at a time at night, but would feed off to sleep during the day in about 20 minutes. The HV said he was basically taking the piss and to take him off after 20 minutes. HV was a twit (I only realised this after trying to follow her advice and suffering for a couple of nights).
I had to look online for better advice and found the kellymom site which has excellent breastfeeding information and advice. If both of you are very tired, it's possible that the latch isn't quite right and he isn't getting a proper feed. I had to get out the books and follow the diagrams to make sure (there was nobody who could check for me and it was only night feeds that were an issue). After the first time, he fed himself off to sleep very quickly and it got so much better from then on.

I hear you op. Co sleeping saved me with my second. I felt exactly like you with my first, it does pass. Feels like ages at the time and a distant memory after. If you are set up for co sleeping it's safe and really did save my sanity. I remember so well the feelings of wanting to escape everything. Please don't feel alone or like you are bad at it.

I also wondered about cluster feeding to get your supply up as he's having-about to have a growth spurt. Give it a couple of days and if the feeding doesn't adjust try a dummy. If you can afford a double electric breast pump get one and try to express at the end of each feed- 10 mins each time, fastest way, in order to have enough for the 10pm feed so you can get a few hours sleep. pass baby to DH to feed him. Also buy some really good ear plugs so you can literally zone straight into a deep sleep, if DS won't settle, warm cot up with not water bottle while he is being fed and put a used, thin cotton top of yours in it for him to smell you and settle

Don’t not worry about how to get rid
If the dummy right now. If you want to try it go ahead.
My 1st was a complete dummy monster and was old enough to co-ordinate her dummy colour to what ever top she was wearing that day.
My 2nd chewed the ends off of every one he had just before he was 2, it got to the point where he would chew the end off of one I had just bought 10 mins previously. I stopped buying them, he would ask for it, I’d show him the chewed dummy, he chucked them in the bin and never looked back.

Used dummies with mine from about 1 week. Gave me a break and an idea if they were hungry or in need of comfort. If they spat dummy out (once used to it) then more likely hungry, if they took it calmly then they needed comfort so dummy and snuggles or sling or to DH for snuggles. I don't think I ever had a hungry baby accept a dummy, they made it quite clear! Evening cluster feeding was the worst though. Some people love it. I did not!

I can't think of any problems my 4 DC have that can be attributed to a dummy. Can take a while for them to take though and some don't. Its worth a try.

Your not rubbish it's normal.. hard work but normal! I bf my twins and what saved us was oh giving an evening bottle so I could have a block of sleep for about 4-5 hours - made a huge difference didn't affect my supply or their bf either we continued mixed feeding until I went back to work. I remember thinking of running off and booking in to a travel lodge many times! Hang in there!

This is why my 2nd will be bottle fed.

I bf 1st but was utterly miserable. My mental health was deteriorating rapidly.
Finally gave bottle and she slept for hours and DP able to do night feeds.

I found cluster feeding a complete nightmare & in the end couldn't cope. I started combination feeding at 10 weeks old - 1 bottle at 8pm which still allowed for 4 hours of cluster feeding each evening. Sleep for both of us improved greatly & I think it did save my sanity.

This is one of the hardest parts. It will soon be a distant memory. It's a growth spurt and it will last a few days and then it will feel easier and then the 4 month growth spurt! Honestly you will look back fondly at those memories so keep going! I remember feeling really rubbish during growth spurts and now it seems like nothing but what got me through was encouragement.

I found it hard with my first but my second was a breeze because of my first.

My first baby was the same. I couldn't work out if she was feeding or comfort sucking. The frantic cluster feeding stage did pass though. It actually seemed to just suddenly end at about 3 months old and evenings became a bit easier.
It's not for everyone but co sleeping saved my sanity. It enabled me to get enough rest even with regular night feeds. I could just roll over in the night and bf without being disturbed too much and ending up exhausted.
Your baby is still tiny and you are adjusting to a huge change in your life. Things do settle down and get easier with time.

I’m currently feeding my 9 week old. There is no way he is done after 10 minutes per boob. A lot of
Our feeds are 40 minutes.
Op, this is my third child and I can tell you it passes. It will get better from now on in and your baby will sleep for longer.
Can you sleep during the day? Can your partner hold the baby sometimes so you can get a lie in. I agree with doing what you need to do to get sleep

The best piece of advice I’ve been given is that good or bad it’s all transient. Especially in the early days when weeks feel like years - the shit times don’t last forever. Get help wherever you can - my DF used to take DS away in the pram some afternoons & just having him out of the house for a few hours really helped my sanity.

For fear of being absolutely flamed, would you consider giving him a bottle (pumped breastmilk or formula)?

What I did was feed at 7pm ish as normal and head to bed. Your DH could give him a bottle at 11 pm, so he know exactly what he’d had, then put him down and then if he slept for a few hours, you might have managed 5 hours sleep. I know every situation is different but I found my DH doing the 11pm dream feed a godsend.

Either way don’t beat yourself up. The first few months of sleep deprivation can be quite hellish but as they say, this too shall pass, and I now look back with such fondness at the memories of a little bundle curled up on my chest. You’re doing fine.

ethel you’re not a crap Mum, you’re a good mum 💐. Wanting to take a bottle of wine to a hotel, get trashed and sleep is not an unusual desire when the baby is 11weeks. Sleep deprivation was used as a form of torture for a reason! It bloody well worked!

I’d definitely try a dummy. I used to be very anti dummies, but since the link with helping to prevents sids and knowing some ‘sucky’ babies, I’m all for them. They’re actually pretty easily removed at about 9 months if you want to do that.

If you watch & listen to your baby you’ll come to know if they’re feeding or conforting themselves. They might push the dummy out but if you very gently hold it in place (so they could still push it out if they really wanted to) they’ll get used to it. If they’re still actually really hungry, they’ll let you know.

You’ve had lots of good advice already, so I’m not going to repeat any of it, but one thing I wanted to say was, while you’re in the middle of a ‘phase’ it seems to last F O R E V E R, but actually, when you look back each phase really is quite short. So TRY to consciously think ‘This will pass, it’s only for a short while’ I think subconsciously we feel what ‘phase’ We are in is IT, forever more. Whilst logically we know it’s not, I think we consciously have to remember that. 11 weeks feels like forever right now, but you will pop out the other side of this before too long. ....in no time at all you’ll be missing the cOST night feeds, no matter how unlikely that seems right now!

Remember you are your DC BEST MUM! 🌷

Hear you! Someone said it shouldn’t be this hard???? No!! It is hard for many of us! I also dreaded the evenings - would wake up after an hour hoping it was at least 7am and would almost be in tears as it would only be 3am

You’re not alone and although we’d like a solution to this madness sometimes there isn’t one, we have to suck it up. However there are things you can do if you’re comfortable with them such as co sleeping. I know many are against it but I did it with both babies up until 8 months or so. Both mine cluster fed, woke every 2 hours until 6 months but it got better and by the time they were a year old they slept through for 12 hours. I never gave them dummies and was glad I didn’t but at the time I wish they bloody took them!!! There are so many scenarios from mums doing the same thing - you never know what you’re going to get. Just remember it will pass. But most importantly make sure your partner is onboard and look after yourself. Drink, eat, take any necessary vitamins and fuck the cleaning. During the day bf lying down and fall asleep with them. Grocery shop online, buy ready meals if you can afford it. Do what you can to make life easier for you. Don’t feel guilty, many of us feel like we’re doing a crappy job - the difficult early days won’t be forever. You may even miss them! Good luck

DS breastfed for almost 5 hours on the trot...
...I had no clue what I was doing...of course now I realise he must've been using me as a dummy!!!

The sofa still has the shape of my body moulded into it!!

haven't tried a dummy as so many people have advised against it

There's lots of things that 'experts' advise against with babies , trust me , do whatever you need to to get by!

As my dear old mum said 'It's all a phase'

I breast fed for a year but I fairly swiftly replaced a feed at 7pm ish with a bottle of formula, breast for the rest of the time. DD would then sleep well. Worked for us.

I hear you OP.

I used to look at DH sleeping and want to throw things at his head, so insanely jealous was I that he got to be asleep.

They use sleep deprivation as a form of torture to break people because it completely destroys you.

After 11 weeks it is absolutely imperative you get a bit more solid rest.

Do you have a partner? If so what I would do is gently remove baby from breast after say 30 mins each boob at about 8pm, go immediately into the bedroom, put ear plugs in and go to sleep. Don't have a wash, load the dishwasher, do anything at all, just run into the bedroom and get a solid couple of hours of sleep whilst your partner rocks/walks/sings/drives(!) baby to sleep. Then after 2 or 3 hours of rest, when baby needs next feed at 10 or 11, feed the baby again,gently remove again after an hour, hand back to your partner, go back into the bedroom and sleep, leaving your partner to settle the baby to sleep again. That means you will have had 2 solid blocks of at least a couple of hours sleep every evening. This will make a big difference. And your partner probably has lost an hour or two of sleep settling baby after the 11 o;clock feed but they can cope with that for a few days.