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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am so fucking crap at this??

97 replies

ethelfleda · 14/01/2018 22:13

Being a mother, I mean.

DS is 11 weeks tomorrow. And of course I've not slept properly since before he was born but I just can't seem to handle it. I feel so angry and frustrated. Nearly every night I would start to feel optimistic about getting more than 2 hours sleep in a row and every night it doesn't happen. I now DREAD bed time. I'm sat here bf my son and have been since ten to 9 and there is no sign of him getting sleepy or finishing any time soon. He is thrashing about on me while he feeds. When he eventually finishes I have to spend ages bringing his wind up so he doesn't throw up his feed... and only then can I put him down and try and sleep myself. By which time I will be so wound up I won't be able to. I really feel like I am failing at this miserably but it's not something you can just stop doing.
I wish I'd have known how bloody hard this would be.
And I know IABU for wallowing in self pity but I am so bloody depressed right now.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 14/01/2018 22:35

A breastfed baby will have to learn how to suck a dummy so persevere, don’t automatically feed if it gets spat out. A hungry baby will let you know. If a baby has a windy, uncomfortable tummy, feeding endlessly actually makes it worse sometimes.

Can you do take the baby for a while and give you a break?

Crabbitstick · 14/01/2018 22:36

kellymom.com/parenting/nighttime/cosleeping/

themilkmeg.com

I only stayed sane through safe co-sleeping. I could feed lying sideways so was able to sleep/doze through night.

There is a growth spurt around ten weeks so baby may be boosting supply as part of this.

This is all normal, you are doing great. Ignore anything anybody says about what baby should be doing.

I wonder if some acceptance that the sleep will be crap will help you feel less anxious.

Please do try sleep with baby during day, you have to nap to survive!

The two websites I've linked give great advice on breastfeeding.

Stick in there, it gets better!

Greensleeves · 14/01/2018 22:36

If you're not strongly opposed to the idea, I would definitely try a dummy. Both of mine had them (I wasn't going to, but SCBU gave ds1 one and it really helped settle him). They're teenagers now and no ill effects, not orthodontic problems etc.

Honestly, when my first baby was your little one's age I felt like I had been hit by a train. Please don't be hard on yourself or think you're not a good enough mum. It will get better Flowers

MilesHuntsWig · 14/01/2018 22:36

You’re not crap... you’re just honest. It’s not unreasonable to feel like this when you’re so sleep deprived and everything

LtGreggs · 14/01/2018 22:36

That should say "glugging it down"!

Yes if you start a dummy, at some point you'll need to stop a dummy. But you can cross that bridge when you get to it - might be dead easy.

OoohSmooch · 14/01/2018 22:36

I'm about 6 months ahead of you (so baby is now 9 months) but what you just described was me! I said to my DH that I don't know why people say it's worth it as I don't think it is and other horrible things....yet at the time they were true, I hated it all, the lack of sleep was horrific. I look back at her newborn pictures and videos and think 'oh that's my mini OoohSmooch' but I also look at them and remember how much I hated that time. I introduced a combination feed and it saved my sanity! Also she got older, bigger, more interactive and I knew what she wanted.....Now I can say it's worth it.

It will creep up on you but suddenly the 2 hour gap between feeds will become 3 hours and then 4 and then 6. It does get better I promise, I just used to say to myself 'I'll just write this period of my life off' 😂

throwcushions · 14/01/2018 22:36

We were quite persistent with the dummy. She was reluctant to take it at first so we would keep trying a few times and sometimes use a little finger to keep it in a for a few seconds and she would then start to suck on it. If she didn't want it and was actually hungry it was quite clear as she'd cry and hard! If she was just unsure or being a little fussy with it she'd push it out a few times with her tongue and then take it, she might cry a little.in between but not properly screaming or anything. I worried she wouldn't get enough milk but it was fine.

LtGreggs · 14/01/2018 22:38

If you're asking literally how to get him off the breast, gently wriggle your finger in to his mouth to break seal on nipple. Don't just pull!

FrozenMargarita17 · 14/01/2018 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yorkshireyummymummy · 14/01/2018 22:39

Could you express milk and get hubby or your mum to look after baby one night so you get some sleep??
Or- horror- could you try some formula??
Maybe he isn’t getting enough milk.....I couldn’t BF (wasn’t through lack of desire or effort) so I’m not experienced but isn’t 90mins an awfully long time to feed? My DD took a bottle in ten mins.
Could he be hungry? I put my DD on hungry baby 🍼 at night and she slept though.
I don’t have any answers for you, just telling you my experience but I didn’t want to read and run as you sounded so very sad and tired.

HumphreyCobblers · 14/01/2018 22:39

I remember this feeling so well. Definitely try a dummy. My DH used to take the baby first thing in the morning (six-ish) and go for a walk with him. It seemed to free me up to fall asleep for an hour or so, they physical separation was helpful in that as I seemed to be on hyper alert to the baby the rest of the time.

Hang on in there.

Oooocrikeyitscold · 14/01/2018 22:40

It’s hard to describe but it’s like they chew when your a human dummy, not hard but there just moving their mouth up and down-really little movements. You’ll begin to feel the difference. Listen for the sound of swollowing as well.

I held off giving a dummy as my children found their fingers and sucked those if your baby is struggling with self smoothing (which they do when little) then do consider using a dummy-I totally would have if they hadn’t found their fingers-you could just use it when his in his cot etc.

MilesHuntsWig · 14/01/2018 22:40

*aaaargh dropped phone! Sorry, as I was saying... when everyone/everything is about the baby and you’re completely at their beck and call. You’ve every right to feel down - it’s crap!! It does get better though.

Seriously, I felt like you 6 years ago. Everyone guilts you about dummies, about cosleeping, about anything really - everything’s designed to make you feel guilty. Do what works for you to get through it. She’ll be fine. Be kind to you both and just accept it’s crap, but it’s for a few months - it feels like forever but actually it isn’t.

What worked for me? I just went with it. Made a nest where she could feed/sleep and I could doze off too safely. Still wasn’t great but just about stopped me from going completely loopy.

Good luck - and you’re not crap, you.’the normal.

MistressPage · 14/01/2018 22:40

You're not crap. The early days with a baby are really, really hard work. It does get easier I promise Flowers Talk to your Health Visitor for support.

sourpatchkid · 14/01/2018 22:41

I can hear DS swallowing milk if I listen - that's how I can tell when feeding has ending and comfort sucking has started. Don't know if it's the same for everyone?

I'd use the dummy if you can. Nothing at all wrong with them (they advice after 6 weeks if you're breastfeeding which is already sorted for you)

Have you considered combination feeding and then maybe getting a few hours while dh does the night feed

It gets better. It really does. I hated the nights of the early weeks too, I still get a shiver if I hear his night light lullaby song as if reminds me of the endless sleepless nights. I'm shit with no sleep. It gets better.

Mrstumbletap · 14/01/2018 22:41

It's so hard OP, he is so tiny 11 weeks is still such a hard phase.

I can only offer what worked for me, breast pump worked for a while, and formula, so DH could do some feeds and I could have a sleep. I finally felt normal again when I could have a 5 hour block of sleep.

Breastfeeding is a hard slog, and you don't know how much they are drinking, with formula you can see they have had 6/7oz and finished the whole bottle so you can rule out hunger and that is so relaxing.

Reflexella · 14/01/2018 22:43

You’ve hit the wall. It’s hard. It honestly gets easier x

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 14/01/2018 22:43

BF the first is so fucking hard, you'll be way more efficient next time Wink
PP are correct-he' s not feeding for that amount of time. At a guess I'd say you're safe putting him back to sleep after about 20 mins.
You're not crap at being a mum Flowers

Rebeccaslicker · 14/01/2018 22:43

You're not crap! It's just so hard at this stage. And it's no good telling you how quickly it passes when every minute feels like a year :(

Your baby just wants to be connected to you because you are his whole world and he doesn't yet realise you are two separate people. Try and find something you can live with, whether it's safe co-sleeping (assuming you don't have a tempur mattress as the baby can suffocate - that's why I spent my first 12 weeks sitting upright on the sofa, stupid beguiling new mattress that I didn't realise wasn't safe for babies when we bought it!!) or a dummy or a night nanny for a couple of nights or some box sets - whatever it takes. Honestly this too shall pass Cake

EsmeMargaretNoteSpelling · 14/01/2018 22:45

Bless you, you really sound at the end of your tether.
Try a dummy, if he is using you for comfort, a dummy will be a huge help. My DD had one at night till she was 4 (shitbag exDH walking out threw out my plans to wean her of it at 3!) My Mum hated the dummy but for me it was a lifesaver so everyone else could get stuffed as it meant I got some sleep. It is easy for others to advise when they aren’t losing the sleep!
To my shame my DD first slept through when I was woken up by her crying and I remember just lying there thinking “I can’t do this, I can’t do this” over and over again. Well we must both have drifted off as I got another 2 hours sleep. I felt soooooo much better for it and she is now 16 and doesn’t seem that scarred by it.
Good luck for tonight. This too will pass...

TrinitySquirrel · 14/01/2018 22:46

Break his feed more often to wind as you go along OP. Roughly every 3/4 minutes which is the same as a bottle fed baby drinking an oz.

USE A DUMMY. They reduce the risks of sids if not anything else.

Also work shifts with OH. Hand baby over the second he gets in and sleep.

Bf babies only tend to sleep in 2hr spurts for months unless you're very lucky. Our guy is 7m old and now on formula but still wakes every 4hrs. It is soul destroying. The only thing we found that works is shifts between you and pumping/formula at night to share the load if you can't do shifts.

If I had any sleep spare to send you OP I would Flowers

TrinitySquirrel · 14/01/2018 22:48

Also OP we only found the cherry shaped dummies worked for our little guy. He hated tommee tippee normal ones, advent etc. It had to be the cherry shaped. Nuby do them and tommee tippee do a cheapo 2 pack for about £2 in Tesco

quitealotlost · 14/01/2018 22:50

Some really bad BFing advice here!

He's probably cluster-feeding, not "using you as a dummy".

Babies feed lots to up your supply, typically in the evenings.

(A dummy is a boob substitute anyway - how can a baby be using your boob as a substitute for a boob substitute? Makes no sense!)

Or, if you've had enough - like others say use your little finger to release the latch.

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 14/01/2018 22:51

I remember this time with both my DCs, I used to dread going to bed because it’s almost a tease as you won’t be sleeping! Just as you start to nod off the cycle starts again...

It DOES get better. The first time is the hardest as you are questioning everything you do. Definitely speak to you HV. They sent round someone to show me baby massage to help with bedtime routine and it really calmed my DD. Flowers

Glitterkitten24 · 14/01/2018 22:52

I have a tear in my eye reading your post!
About 3 days after my dc1 was born, deep in the baby blues, post c section and extensive blood loss, after he’d been breastfeeding for 12 solid hours through the night and I was terrified in as going jhbto fall asleep and suffocate him.... I felt exactly like you sound. Overwhelmed, in pain, exhausted, terrified, like I’d made a huge mistake.

You can do this. 11 days is still so tiny, just take it an hour at a time, then a day at a time. Humongous hugs, it does get easier, I promise.