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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For being bloody annoyed with OH for falling asleep while looking after 8 year old DD

103 replies

Malteser73 · 14/01/2018 19:59

So I took our 5 year old to a birthday party this afternoon. OH said he would get tea ready for 5pm. I get home at 5 to find him asleep on the sofa with tea not prepared and DD saying she’s hungry. I exploded, calling him an irresponsible parent. Am I overreacting? I realise DD is old enough to fetch herself a snack if she was starving but even so? Just wondering what you all think, thanks x

OP posts:

Tinkie25 · 14/01/2018 20:30

Overreaction yabu

LunchBoxPolice · 14/01/2018 20:30

How was he looking after her "perfectly adequately"? He was asleep and hadn't fed her low standards of parenting on this thread.

Tipsntoes · 14/01/2018 20:30

And yes, she's supposed to be hungry at tea time.

BertrandRussell · 14/01/2018 20:31

"Yeah an 8 year old could get herself a snack but why should she, her parent should be doing that for her."

Regardless of any other consideration, that is sooooo wrong. Of course she should be getting her own snacks -and helping with lots of other household stuff as well.

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 14/01/2018 20:31

If she were 2 then YANBU
She's 8, YABU but I'd be irked if I expected tea.

Tipsntoes · 14/01/2018 20:32

I'd argue it was perfectly correct not to give her a snack in the afternoon if tea is as early as 5pm

DeStijl · 14/01/2018 20:32

Her child is not unreasonable for not making her own dinner.. Nobody has said that but she's 8 years old. She should be capable of getting a snack if she's hungry. My 5 year old son wouldn't sit hungry and can get some cereal or a piece of fruit.
Total over reaction.

Hassled · 14/01/2018 20:32

I'm guessing that this is one of those straw that broke the camel's back things and that there is a long backstory of the OH dodging his responsibilities or generally being irresponsible. But on the face of it - your DD was fine, she's old enough to have woken him if she wasn't, the lack of tea-making is annoying but no more than that.

SilverySurfer · 14/01/2018 20:33

Way OTT reaction.

Trialsmum · 14/01/2018 20:35

She’s 8 I’m sure she can entertain herself and wait a bit for her tea. 5pm is pretty early for tea!

ZanyMobster · 14/01/2018 20:35

YABVU. She could have woken him if need be. My 9 yo stays on his own for short times (dropping off DS1 somewhere or something) so it shouldn't be an issue for an 8 yo to be at home with a parent who has fallen asleep.

HermioneAndMsJones · 14/01/2018 20:37

It depends though. Is it normal for her to help herself to a snack? Is it a place she can reach?
Would she have gone to see her dad to ask for a snack because she was hungry or wouod she have been worried of his reaction if she had woken her up??

In this case, whatever the reason, the dd didn’t feel she could wake her dad up and didn’t help herself. That means, her dad needed to be much more hands on desk than he has been. If the dd had been more indépendant, th8nsg could have been different.

I also have an issue with leaving an 8 yo basically in her own. Would anyone actually leave her child in the house alone at that age?
Of course in case of a fire, she could have woken him up. But what about ALL the other things an 8yo can do (let’s say starting to use the him to cook something for themselves because they are hungry...) where they can potentially hurt themsleves, if the dd had then decided to go out of the house to go to the corner shop and any other nice ideas children can have at that age (and the reason why you isnt normally leave them alone!!)

As fornit cooking dinner... it would demons if he was genuinely really exhausted or just couldn’t be bothered (to parent and cook)...

TBH, I have ME so have been in the situation where I would have nicely fallen asleep from exhaustion with the dcs around at that age. I never did though, not until I was happy to leave them on their own so it was much later in than 8yo....

MysweetAudrina · 14/01/2018 20:38

Complete over reaction. I would be pissed off if I was hungry and he was asleep and i was looking forward to a nice feed. My 9 and 8 year old are perfectly capable of getting something to eat if they are hungry. My dh is always nodding off and drooling. I don't tend to nap but would lie on and leave the to their own devices at the weekends.

Voice0fReason · 14/01/2018 20:38

Hardly worth exploding over.
No harm done, no big deal.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 14/01/2018 20:38

Nothing wrong with having a nap on Sunday afternoon!

Friedgreen · 14/01/2018 20:40

An 8 yo is perfectly capable of getting a snack when needed. My 2.5 year old does it just fine. A one off nap is no reason to ‘explode’ - suggests OP has an anger problem.

Snowysky20009 · 14/01/2018 20:44

Old enough to wake him, old enough to get something to eat, old enough to recognise danger, old enough to get a drink. Think you ABI

Iloveanimals · 14/01/2018 20:48

Over reacting imo

Skittlesandbeer · 14/01/2018 20:52

I have to say that being at a raucous party of 5yo for a couple of hours would fray my nerves enough to react like this...

If my OH was lucky enough to skip party duty, he’d better have done the one small task on his list. Frankly I’d be so envious of the nap itself, I’d prolly be shirty!

Maelstrop · 14/01/2018 20:55

Id Be pissed off at the lack of tea if he’d promised. I couldn’t care less about him slepp9ng whilst looking after his own child, I mean one presumes you both sleep at night? Or do you take turns to stay awake?

gamerchick · 14/01/2018 20:55

Unless you’re going to drip feed that she has some sort of disability that prevents her making some toast or something then yeah you’re overreacting. Or she could have given him a poke.

How many people on here let their kids get up in the morning and make themselves a bowl of cereal at that age. I’ll bet more than what will admit it. 8 yr olds don’t need constant supervision. I don’t like doing role reversal but if a woman came on and said her husband had blew up because she had a snooze and didn’t have the meal on the table I would guess what would be said.

Notreallyarsed · 14/01/2018 20:56

I doubt OP is coming back, she’s not had the answer she was expecting .

Original poster

Malteser73 · 14/01/2018 20:57

Thanks for your advice everyone. My mum died a few years ago so sometimes I feel lost with this parenting malarkey!

As a one-off I can see now that I overreacted. But, ‘Hassled’ is totally correct in that it is the final straw on the camel’s back. There is a long story about OH and I’m basically living on a short fuse now. It’s happened a few times before, including being in charge of our 5 year old DS who has special needs. School have called me up twice before because he said he’d pick up DD and had fallen asleep. He has a long term health condition caused by heavy drinking (abstinent now though for 10 months), he’s out of work (although actively looking) and doesn’t help me around the house unless I ask him. And yes, he’s lazy.

On the plus side he’s a kind, decent man who dotes on his kids. I just need to calm down and just react to what’s really important. Thanks again x

OP posts:

heidipi · 14/01/2018 20:58

Depends on the circs. There have been days/weekends where something like this might make me see red. If it was the only meal all week I was supposed not to be responsible for and I walk in the door to find a snoring DP, then DD appears saying "Mum I'm hungry, what's for tea?" I might be pretty hacked off.

Tea round here could be anything from a boiled egg to a full roast so not necessarily ready in minutes.

Would all these 8 year olds really be encouraged to make themselves a sandwich shortly before an actual meal was supposed to be happening?

stickytoffeevodka · 14/01/2018 20:58

Isn't an 8yo perfectly capable of a) getting a snack herself and b) waking her dad if she needs him?

Barring any SEN/disabilities I'd be pretty disappointed if my 8yo couldn't get themselves a sandwich or something without supervision.

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