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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

4 year old daughter vs University

90 replies

kalosrosea · 14/01/2018 19:47

AIBU to carry on with uni when in the last week I have barely seen my daughter other than bedtimes due to exams and in the next two weeks will be seeing very little of her again whilst my exams are on. Exes Family, my family, wonderful childminder and my partner (not daughter’s father) have been helping out and been wonderful. I feel so guilty, when exams are not on she is still at the childminders from 7am until 16.00 - 18.00 whilst I am at uni 5 days a week. One weekend she is at her dads and the next she is at home which I try to make quality time. She is 4 years old in nursery, is ahead as can now read some words and her phonics, spell and because I am doing a Biology degree knows a lot about the body functions. She can ride a bike, swim etc so definitely not concerned about her development . I am worried that so much time at uni she emotionally won’t be ok, my mum lives in Portugal so she goes out there for a couple weeks often to giving me time to sort things out for exams etc, but she loves to go. A few comments from a couple of people have got me wondering if it is fair on my daughter that I am so busy with her being at such a young age aibu to carry on with another 3 and half years and making up for the quality time in the four months off between years?

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 14/01/2018 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TenancyTroublesAgain · 14/01/2018 19:52

YWBU to give up uni! Don't feel guilty.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 14/01/2018 19:53

Of course finish your degree,this is a time limited demand on you & your time
When you’re finished you’ll have lots of mum & daughter time
And ignore comments, crack on and good luck with your finals

OwlinaTree · 14/01/2018 19:54

It seems very intense. Is there an option to study part time for a while?

Original poster

kalosrosea · 14/01/2018 19:56

I am doing the Biology degree for three years to then do a years PCGE to become a secondary school teacher. Part time isn’t possible due to how the loans work and lab work etc.

OP posts:

Velvetbee · 14/01/2018 19:58

Don't give up, she'll be so proud of her amazing mum when you've finished. And you have good support so she's not missing out. Grab tiny chunks of 1:1 time, snuggles, giggles, picnics under the dining room table... She'll be ok.

category12 · 14/01/2018 19:59

If you were working fulltime, it would be the same.

If your degree is going to increase your earning power longterm, and you'll be able to have a better life together, you'd be silly to give up this opportunity.

Spartaca · 14/01/2018 19:59

It sounds very intense...certainly far more work than most degrees I know. Is it that you struggle to manage the workload, or is it unavoidable?

I'll be honest and say that I wouldn't do this to the extent with a child that age. Can you go part time perhaps?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 14/01/2018 19:59

Part time mode delays completion of degree and ability to apply for jobs,graduate
Op needs to crack on and complete. Her dd is being cared for by family
I can’t see the problem, op has childcare and family.its fine

monkeysox · 14/01/2018 20:01

Fab doing science degree. Bad idea to teach after. 60 hour weeks. You'll never see her.

Spartaca · 14/01/2018 20:01

Cross post re part time.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 14/01/2018 20:01

Don't give up!
Your dd is on track to be a happy young lady thanks to the care and love of so many people in her life. ( lucky girl!)

Original poster

kalosrosea · 14/01/2018 20:02

It’s more full on than most degrees because of the lectures and lab work, I live an hour and half away by bus so I can’t go home if there is gaps between lectures and labs. I leave the house with my daughter at 6.45 to get to uni on time with crazy traffic so it makes it a long day.

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 14/01/2018 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sashkin · 14/01/2018 20:03

The thing is, she’ll be in school next year so you won’t be seeing her from 9-3 then anyway.

How far through are you? Exam season is always the worst - they will be over soon and you will have your evenings back. The summer break will be lovely - loads of time to spend with her

meredintofpandiculation · 14/01/2018 20:04

She has lots of people loving her and caring for her; that'll give the confidence that the world is an OK place. She's also learning to relate and communicate with different people, and that is really good learning for her. I think you're giving her a lot of positive things.

It's good that's she has a childminder, because that gives her another source of family experience. If she's doing things like going shopping with the childminder, going to the library, all the routine stuff, that clears the decks for you to concentrate on quality time.

Wallywobbles · 14/01/2018 20:04

In many countries this is totally normal. As a teacher in France I went back to work at 13 weeks (like everyone) and dropped DDs at child minders by 8.30, picked up at 6. I didn't work Wednesday's because they didn't have school, but many do. This is normal here.

PanannyPanoo · 14/01/2018 20:04

It is incredibly difficult. I guess it boils down to what you will regret most in the future. Looking back 10 years from now will you be glad to have your degree and sad you missed out on her growing up, or sad you didn't finish your studies but saw more of her.

I have Google photos that keep sending me montages of what I was doing years ago today. my second child spent 18 months very poorly and I do find it hard when I see photos of her older siblings from that time as I have very little memory of them.
Obviously it is different as it wasnt a choice and it wasnt positive like your studies are. They are little for such a short time though.
You can only do what you feel is best for your family. Other peoples opinions are really not important.

ProseccoPoppy · 14/01/2018 20:04

DD is in childcare less than she would be if you were working full time and the degree should enable you to earn more and provide a better lifestyle for you both in the future. I definitely think you should keep going.

Ragusa · 14/01/2018 20:06

7am till 6pm is a long day for a little one but she will cope. Really, she will. Especially if it is time limited and she has lots of other family members looking after her. Don't forget, this was the norm for most working-class families for time immemortal. The stay at home mother is a 1950s construct.

Don't give up. If you have already had your loan funding you won't get more than an extra year to complete your degree in future.

Ojoj1974 · 14/01/2018 20:06

Don’t give up. This will all be for your DD’s benefit in the long run. You feel like this because you care.
You should be really proud of yourself x

Original poster

kalosrosea · 14/01/2018 20:06

Sorry to drip feed

I used to work night shifts so I was there during the day, I haven’t seen any adverse affects with my daughter she is a happy little girl, we get up at 5 but she has always been an early riser. I feel so guilty but I want to teach one day and be part of the reason why some will go on to study in science but at the same time I worry that I will miss time with my daughter

OP posts:

Shamoo · 14/01/2018 20:08

My mum did a degree when I was little (from 3 onwards) - it meant I spent a lot of time with childminders, but that was ok, and she went on to have a good career that made a lot of difference to our family. Don't give up - it will come to an end and it will be worth it.

Ragusa · 14/01/2018 20:08

On the teaching ambition, no doubt you are aware but PGCE year is going to equally if not more intense and then teaching itself is a very time-heavy commitment. Is it your absolute dream to teach? If not, I'd think carefully about your other potential career options.

Pengggwn · 14/01/2018 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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