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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4 year old daughter vs University

90 replies

kalosrosea · 14/01/2018 19:47

AIBU to carry on with uni when in the last week I have barely seen my daughter other than bedtimes due to exams and in the next two weeks will be seeing very little of her again whilst my exams are on. Exes Family, my family, wonderful childminder and my partner (not daughter’s father) have been helping out and been wonderful. I feel so guilty, when exams are not on she is still at the childminders from 7am until 16.00 - 18.00 whilst I am at uni 5 days a week. One weekend she is at her dads and the next she is at home which I try to make quality time. She is 4 years old in nursery, is ahead as can now read some words and her phonics, spell and because I am doing a Biology degree knows a lot about the body functions. She can ride a bike, swim etc so definitely not concerned about her development . I am worried that so much time at uni she emotionally won’t be ok, my mum lives in Portugal so she goes out there for a couple weeks often to giving me time to sort things out for exams etc, but she loves to go. A few comments from a couple of people have got me wondering if it is fair on my daughter that I am so busy with her being at such a young age aibu to carry on with another 3 and half years and making up for the quality time in the four months off between years?

OP posts:
iveburntthetoast · 14/01/2018 20:09

I’m not sure you will get any more spare time as a teacher....

But this is the norm for many children. You need to do what you need to do.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 14/01/2018 20:09

I don’t see your schedule as problematic, demanding- yes.but with a defined purpose
I leave house at 7am, I’m home 6pm
Kids at nursery FT Mon to Friday 8am to 6pm, and school breakfast and Afterschool clubs til 6pm
Yes folk will rock up and handwring about your schedule, telling you it’s too much
You need to ignore the naysayers, have no countenance with mum guilt

Men with the same schedule as you don’t get a mn pasting,or told to stall or delay career
Only mums get asked (head tilt) what about the children

outofmydepth45 · 14/01/2018 20:09

Consider that you are doing your degree for your daughter so you can provide her with the best chances. Also consider that you may not need a pgce no longer mandatory in UK or an in-service pgce.

Are you sure you want to teach? Not known for its work-life balance, pharmaceutical instead ?

MsAwesomeDragon · 14/01/2018 20:10

Carry on! I did my degree when dd1 was small. She was 1 when I started and 4 when I finished. I then did my pgce when she was in pre-school. She's 18 now and is doing very well, doing ALevels, got a uni place sorted for next year, has a part-time job, etc. I do not for one minute believe that me doing my degree when she was that age did her the slightest bit of harm.

I would do the same again in a heartbeat. I have been teaching for years now and have a decent salary, better than I would have ended up with if I hadn't done the degree (possibly could have been higher in a different industry than teaching, but I like teaching which is important). I wonder about my dd's early childhood, but not because I was doing my degree, more because of other pressures in our lives at the time (like no contact at all with her father, my dad had a serious illness in my final year, money worries!!!!).

Original poster
kalosrosea · 14/01/2018 20:12

It was teaching or join the army. I joined the army and found that was the wrong choice of career. Teaching is my dream and I am not put off by hard work. I have always worked at whatever I have turned my hand to. I guess I just don’t want to be a bad mother and regret time, but it is a valid point by September my daughter will be at school at least 9 - 3

OP posts:
milkjetmum · 14/01/2018 20:12

University lecturer here and mum of 2 under 7. have you thought about your study hours? Eg if you daughter goes to bed at 7, you could plan to study 8-10pm a few days a week and trade that for 2hr for extra quality time around your timetable eg lunchtime pickup from childminder one day. Most unis keep an afternoon free in timetable for sports for example, that could be your special time with dd.

Assuming you are in year 1 now so totally normal to be worried about exams and what will come next, talk to your coursemates and friends outside uni to let off steam.

Remember there will be ups and downs at uni as well as at home eg chickenpox at key handin time! Keep your tutors and lecturers informed about your home commitments and remember there are special cons available if it all gets too much but very important to flag these as they happen not to say after the event that there were things affecting you previously

Good luck with your exams!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 14/01/2018 20:14

You’ll be a fantastic role model to your child,eg working to fulfil vocational ambition
She’ll see you working,you’ll be able to tell her your achievements

Sofabitch · 14/01/2018 20:15

If its anything like my degree there were less lectures in the 2nd and third year which made it easier in some senses.

I've just finished my degree and it was really hard going. I felt like i totally neglected my children. The advantage is you will get 4/5 months over the summer at home. And the 3 years of uni really does go quickly.

Could you move nearer? Or learn to drive?

SoftSheen · 14/01/2018 20:19

What stands out from your post is that you have a one and a half hour commute by bus every day in each direction. If you could reduce your commuting time, you could have more time to spend with your DD and you both wouldn't need to leave the house so early.

Getting up at 5 am may be OK now (assuming that DD can nap at the childminders when she wants), but once DD starts school she may well be exhausted by your current schedule.

Is it possible to either move much closer to your university, or get a car to reduce your commuting time?

Original poster
kalosrosea · 14/01/2018 20:20

Milk jet mum I do spend Wednesday afternoons taking her to kick boxing when I get back as they finish at 1 but I don’t get back (buses) until about 15.30. I study on evenings already but the assignments and work load is intense my younger brother has less work and contact time in comparison to my degree

OP posts:
CannotEvenThink · 14/01/2018 20:21

My dc were 6, 4 and just turned 1 when I started my degree. It was bloody difficult and line you they spent more time in childcare or being farmed out to grandparents than they did at home but we made it through. Mine was midwifery so when not at uni I was on placements and often working weekends. There were assignments to do on placement so if I wasn't physically there the kids were still in childcare so I could study. There was no long holiday either.

Make the most of the time you have, be utterly present when you get home until she goes to bed and study after, bed share if it works for you, my littlest and I would sleep together a lot and have bonding time that way. Plan time off study into your schedule.

By the time you graduate she will be very able to understand the work you have put in and she will be so proud. You will be a great example to her of what you can do when you put your mind to it.

Original poster
kalosrosea · 14/01/2018 20:22

Soft sheen can’t move closer because of cost as it can be expensive the closer you move, daughter is happy and settled with school and childminder and I wouldn’t want to move her away from her dad

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 14/01/2018 20:24

I'm a single parent and my son is at the childminders 7.30. -18.00 5 days per week. How lucky you are to get so much time off.

Andrewofgg · 14/01/2018 20:24

Stick with it and you are bloody awesome!

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 14/01/2018 20:24

Do you hell as like give up!

Be proud of yourself, that's an amazing achievement and you hold your head high. You're making a better life for your daughter!

It's no different than a parent who works long hours.

She is too young to remember fully and too young to be aware of anything different.

She will grow up to be proud of her strong Mum - keep going, you're nearly there!

winglesspegasus · 14/01/2018 20:26

stick with it.you need your dreams to be happy and if you are happy your child will be.
she obviously has lots of love and attention.mine are grown now.finished my degree when they(twins) were 4.5 they went to school i went to school too.they are both teachers btw.
it is not being a bad mom to want to do better, thats a good mom.
best of luck i know its hard.

MsHarry · 14/01/2018 20:26

I really admire you OP. I really hope the teaching job is worth it for you. certainly the holidays will be good for your DD. I work with teachers though as I'm a TA and they all say not to go into it. They work all evening and only have one day free at weekends. Hopefully you can make it work or the degree will lead you to something better. Good luck.

CannotEvenThink · 14/01/2018 20:27

I'm just laughing at milkjets comment about chicken pox. One of mine got chicken pox, was shipped off to granny's for a few days as I had night shifts then came back, got very poorly and ended up in hospital just when I had my assessment of practice scheduled. So that got delayed, then other stuff got delayed, then I got flu (actual flu) and got totally wiped out. By the time I was half recovered the next assignment was due so I decided to just write something and chuck it in instead of getting yet another extension. It certainly can get crazy at times studying with children!

doctorcuntybollocks · 14/01/2018 20:28

Continue your degree but don't go into teaching. If you become a teacher you'll have less time for your daughter than you do now and you'll be working extremely hard for people (puplis, parents, managers) who are, for the most part, wilfully oblivious to your efforts.

milkjetmum · 14/01/2018 20:30

I agree with commute being a big factor here. Even getting that down to 45 min each way would make a big difference I'd say. Many students travel in but it is challenging eg if lecture gets cancelled or isn't 'interesting' you feel like it's a big waste of time. Can you study on the commute eg if it's a train? Or as pp have said would driving be quicker?

Lifeisabeach09 · 14/01/2018 20:31

Do not give up.
You are creating a long-term future for you and your child.
I retrained in healthcare when my daughter was four. I missed a lot of experiences with her (trips away, school events, day to day stuff) but I do not regret it because I have a career for life now and I can provide for her. And she was very proud of her mum going to university, which I called adult school. It also gave us something in common-as we were both going to school and we'd talk about our teachers and our learning.
Keep at it, OP.
As PPs have said, it's short-lived. It will fly by.

Viviennemary · 14/01/2018 20:32

It would be mad to give up now. This is only a very short term thing. You need to keep going to build a better future for you both.

Sofabitch · 14/01/2018 20:33

I really do understand.

I did a biomedical science degree and the contact hours were so much more than other degrees and i had a one hour commute.

Tips are really do make use of the breaks between lectures/labs to write your essays and revise.

You tube is your friend for a lot of the things you need to learn. Khan academy/armando hasudugan etc etc

It won't kill your grade to not attend every single lecture as long as you attend most.

Can you switch labs etc to get more time off?

CrochetBelle · 14/01/2018 20:33

This is what you said in October

I started University in September, it is hard work and I am doing this degree to peruse my dream job because I know it will lead to a better life for my daughter and I.

I love my daughter but I also need a career that makes me happy to wake up in the morning and change the lives of others long after my daughter leaves home and forges her own life.

My family have been incredibly supportive because they know I want better for my daughter , that I want her to lead by my example in achieving what makes me happy to get up and go to work.

When I have felt guilty about leaving my daughter at the childminders I remember that if I was working full time again I would be doing the same. (I think that makes sense) my lecturers say to me well done for wanting to achieve a career that will show my daughter that hard work pays off

That's why you are doing it. Remember that.

FlashTheSloth · 14/01/2018 20:33

This is MN, full of mums who work long hours with young children in child care, all for a career, so you will get a lot of support.

Personally, I don't think women can have it all. Something has to give and when career is the focus, time with children will suffer. I know where my priority would be. You can't make up for 8 months of barely seeing her with 4 months. But it's your life.

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