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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

4 year old daughter vs University

90 replies

kalosrosea · 14/01/2018 19:47

AIBU to carry on with uni when in the last week I have barely seen my daughter other than bedtimes due to exams and in the next two weeks will be seeing very little of her again whilst my exams are on. Exes Family, my family, wonderful childminder and my partner (not daughter’s father) have been helping out and been wonderful. I feel so guilty, when exams are not on she is still at the childminders from 7am until 16.00 - 18.00 whilst I am at uni 5 days a week. One weekend she is at her dads and the next she is at home which I try to make quality time. She is 4 years old in nursery, is ahead as can now read some words and her phonics, spell and because I am doing a Biology degree knows a lot about the body functions. She can ride a bike, swim etc so definitely not concerned about her development . I am worried that so much time at uni she emotionally won’t be ok, my mum lives in Portugal so she goes out there for a couple weeks often to giving me time to sort things out for exams etc, but she loves to go. A few comments from a couple of people have got me wondering if it is fair on my daughter that I am so busy with her being at such a young age aibu to carry on with another 3 and half years and making up for the quality time in the four months off between years?

OP posts:

Sofabitch · 14/01/2018 20:36

Oh and I know its a cliche but get a cleaner. I did half way through my second year and the difference was incredible.

Original poster

kalosrosea · 14/01/2018 20:36

Crochet belle I did, but since then I have had various comments that make feel guilty, little digs about it being my choice and not my daughter’s etc

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CannotEvenThink · 14/01/2018 20:38

studying on the train, I had a lightbulb moment on my commute when I realised you could send pdfs to kindle. Made reading journal articles so much easier.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 14/01/2018 20:38

Does your uni have some sort of online student noticeboard? Could you put up a notice to see if someone in your area would like to car share and share the cost?

HermionesRightHook · 14/01/2018 20:39

Finish your degree, ignore the mean comments, and whatever you do don't become a teacher. It's horrifically stressful and requires hugely long hours - there's so much more you could do with a biology degree.

Lifeisabeach09 · 14/01/2018 20:40

Ignore the digs.
It's an ignorant, shortsighted view of things. I don't get this attitude, tbh.
Kalosrosea, if you and DP don't work out, you will have your PGCE to fall back on.
Your daughter will remember you going to university and working in a professional job. It will likely inspire her.

codswallopandbalderdash · 14/01/2018 20:43

I agree with Flash. I think there are always consequences - both good and bad. It is up to you to work out what is best for you / your DD in the short and long term.

I have given up job opportunities because I no longer want to work full time. I like being able to pick up DS from school. He gets tired and needs down time with me. We enjoy our time together. That's my choice and I'm happy with it.

Your choice may be different but its OK as long as you are happy with it and its working for you and your family

Original poster

kalosrosea · 14/01/2018 20:44

My DP and I don't live together he lives 30 minutes away so I see him a couple of nights a week and he is very hands on and helpful when he is here I couldn't be any luckier. I have been at the library today in prep for the following weeks exams and he took my daughter out, cleaned the house, sorted the laundry and gave my daughter dinner so I had less stress, however he is no situation to be able to financially support us due to previous marriage and maintenance so it is completely on myself to financially support us (again sorry for the drip feed but didn't want to give a life story, though think I may already have)

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Original poster

kalosrosea · 14/01/2018 20:45

we have been together nearly two years I should add

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aprilanne · 14/01/2018 20:46

your little ones childhood goes by in a flash you can never get that back you can do a degree later on .my mother was hardly there during the week when i was small mostly with my grandparents and i hated it .7am to 6pm is to long with a childminder but thats only my opinion

pasanda · 14/01/2018 20:48

They only need you more as they get older in my experience so do it now whilst she is still little and happy to go to the childminders etc.

It's for the best in the long run. Good luck

YellowVinyl · 14/01/2018 20:48

OP I'm in exactly the same situation, apart from me and her Dad are still together so at least we get weekends. Shes just turned 4 and goes to nursery 7.30am - 6pm 5 days a week as I have to be in uni every day. We don't have any family or friends here so no one else to rely on for childcare, so I have to do any extra work in the evening when she's in bed.

It's really hard but I know it will be worth it in the end. The amount of guilt I feel is unreal though. Especially when she says she misses me so much when she's at nursery and is incredibly tired because of the long days. We barely even leave the house at the weekends because she's knackered from being at nursery all week so I feel extra bad for not doing stuff with her when we have time together.

No advice just solidarity!

Lifeisabeach09 · 14/01/2018 20:51

So you are the sole breadwinner for you and your daughter?
All the more reason to stick with it...
If you leave, do you think you will return to finish it??

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 14/01/2018 20:55

As a single parent hell yes complete the degree.it'll give you career and salary security
Your girl is 4yo.no she’s not missing out at all.just because your studying
Many kids go to family and daycare whilst parents work/study.its no biggie. Honestly

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2018 20:55

She’ll be just fine! She’s looked after by people who love her. Just do whatever you can to spend the time you do have with her, actually being together & doing stuff. Even if that stuff is laundry/housework/cooking and takes a little bit longer with ‘help’. Doing fun/silly stuff is good too...dinner in a makeshift tent, popcorn & movie in bed, making stuff. Small amounts of time where study etc doesn’t encroach are valuable.

I loved being at my Nana’s and it sounds like your DD does too, so there’s absolutely nothing to feel guilty about their either.

...and if you feel she is becoming unhappy & needs more time with you, then consider bed sharing. My friend is a single Mum working long hours and her 12yo DD has only just started sleeping in her own room every night (and that’s because she can then play on her phone when she shouldn’t!). She’s not a clingy child, loves to go to friends to sleep, or school/guides camps etc it was just a nice way for them to be close to each other. So if you get to the point where you feel she needs that, it’s not the handcart to hell it’s sometimes portrayed as. Obviously it’s not great once you have a boyfriend, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve got the time for one anyway!

The only thing I’d reconsider is instead of teaching immediately after your degree, looking at something where the hours aren’t so bloody long in term time. Teaching is pants if you want a home/work life balance. There might be something that would interest you/help you in your teaching later that would give you a better balance for a couple of years. OTOH perhaphs as a senior school teacher in science you’ll be able to get a good package as a part time teacher. Anyway, you’ve got a degree to get first 😊

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2018 20:58

Oh sorry, I forgot about your DP. He might not be too keen on you getting a ‘boyfriend’ 😂🤣

Bed sharing with DD might not be such a good idea either unless you maybe make it one ‘Mummy & DD’ night a week or whatever. But there’s no need to go down that road while she seems hapoy enough.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2018 21:01

*I started University in September, it is hard work and I am doing this degree to peruse my dream job because I know it will lead to a better life for my daughter and I.

I love my daughter but I also need a career that makes me happy to wake up in the morning and change the lives of others long after my daughter leaves home and forges her own life.

My family have been incredibly supportive because they know I want better for my daughter , that I want her to lead by my example in achieving what makes me happy to get up and go to work.

When I have felt guilty about leaving my daughter at the childminders I remember that if I was working full time again I would be doing the same. (I think that makes sense) my lecturers say to me well done for wanting to achieve a career that will show my daughter that hard work pays off*

Oh I didn’t realise that poster was you!

Laminate it and put it in your bag, read it every time you doubt what you’re doing is right.

ferrier · 14/01/2018 21:02

Haven't read all the thread but you might consider doing the teaching part on the job rather than as a one year PGCE.
And agree with pp, what you're doing doesn't seem any different from ft work.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 14/01/2018 21:03

Right,hear me now. You need to toughen up to all the wee digs/comments
If you let other people foist mum guilt onto you you’ll suffer. So no.dint take that shit on
No one,no one ever tells a man not to be out house commuting, working building career
But some folk can’t wait to tell a woman oh think of the little one😢 (head tilt)
We live in a misogynistic society were consciously and unconsciously folk think women shouldn’t get above themselves. And this manifest as making digs/comments to working/studying mums.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2018 21:05

Is it your DP who took the little one to the movies, but when she wanted to leave took her to the park instead?

BackforGood · 14/01/2018 21:05

You are only out / she is only at the CMers the same length of time as if you are at work, so I'm not sure why you would feel guilty, particularly if these hours are the more intense, and restricted to these 2 weeks of exams.
You will, of course be working longer as a teacher when the time comes, but you will be doing something worthwhile and fulfilling, whilst providing for yourself and your family. Your dd has lots of strong support around her and is secure, happy and doing really well - you should be feeling incredibly proud, not guilty.

Original poster

kalosrosea · 14/01/2018 21:07

no Annie thats not my DP

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Original poster

kalosrosea · 14/01/2018 21:11

I didn't consider myself one to allow people other than those that matter to get to me. Yet they have because sometimes I question whether am I doing the right thing, reading through and reminding myself why I started has really helped to give my head a wobble, keep focused. Thank you for all your advice, I really do try for quality time any spare moments I have with my daughter, such as bike rides, woods etc, swimming etc. I guess it really isn't hard for people's comments to have an impact even when you are focused.

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AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2018 21:11

...re the little digs & not being your DD’s choice etc. Christ almighty, if we consulted 4 year olds about everything we’d be eating chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner, spending our days in swimming pools or theme parks and never going to bed. THAT is why they have parents, to make informed decisions on their behalf.

People will judge you and make comments no matter what you do. You’d get as many comments & digs if you gave it up.

The only thing I’d say is, if it’s your childminder making these comments, I’d change to a new one. I know your DD likes her, but she’d like a new one too and you don’t need someone who has her often dripping that kind of thing in her ear. If it’s your ex or family/friends, get them told.

Original poster

kalosrosea · 14/01/2018 21:14

Annie, its not my childminder she is great, it has come from close members in our family but not said to my daughter, but to myself.

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