4 year old daughter vs University

[kalosrosea]

AIBU to carry on with uni when in the last week I have barely seen my daughter other than bedtimes due to exams and in the next two weeks will be seeing very little of her again whilst my exams are on. Exes Family, my family, wonderful childminder and my partner (not daughter’s father) have been helping out and been wonderful. I feel so guilty, when exams are not on she is still at the childminders from 7am until 16.00 - 18.00 whilst I am at uni 5 days a week. One weekend she is at her dads and the next she is at home which I try to make quality time. She is 4 years old in nursery, is ahead as can now read some words and her phonics, spell and because I am doing a Biology degree knows a lot about the body functions. She can ride a bike, swim etc so definitely not concerned about her development . I am worried that so much time at uni she emotionally won’t be ok, my mum lives in Portugal so she goes out there for a couple weeks often to giving me time to sort things out for exams etc, but she loves to go. A few comments from a couple of people have got me wondering if it is fair on my daughter that I am so busy with her being at such a young age aibu to carry on with another 3 and half years and making up for the quality time in the four months off between years?

My 5 year old would not cope with that and I'm saying that as a single parent doing a PhD. However am very lucky to organise most of my work so I can do drop off and pick up most days. My DD is knackered by 4pm and definitely benefits from cuddles on the sofa at the mo.

My other concern would be how long separated and how long new partner? Not to be judgy but my daughter is starting to realise her dad is not really involved in her life and thinking about relationships and the people around her. She is quite clingy and emotional at the moment and I feel she needs extra time with me.

That said all dc are different and you have to do what's right for you future and that of your dd. I am extremely lucky with my workload and flexibility and I realise that's quite unique.

Like I say not trying to judge, just giving a reflection from my own situation and how my own dd is coping with stuff.

Good luck

Look,the digs/comments have the impact you allow them to have.learn to ignore
practise your oh really face,whilst fastidiously ignoring comments/digs
You wouldn’t be happy not studying, you’d feel unfulfilled.keep remembering that

As I said
No one,no one ever tells a man not to be out house commuting, working building career
But some folk can’t wait to tell a woman oh think of the little one😢 (head tilt)
We live in a misogynistic society were consciously and unconsciously folk think women shouldn’t get above themselves. And this manifest as making digs/comments to working/studying mums

No Annie thats not my DP

Oh well, yours sounds lovely too 😊

It is easy to let comments get to you, because ‘Mum guilt’ is rarely far from the surface and easily exposed. But you have to try not to let it get to you and as I said, remember that you’d get comments if you gave up!

You’ve thought it through & you have a great plan for your & DD’s future. You’re consciously parenting her now (wanky term I know, but you are!) and she’s wanting for nothing. Don’t let anyone throw you off track with their stupid & thoughtless comments.

@giggle shiz,

her father and I have been separated since my daughter is one, he is very much involved, she has no issues in that regard. My partner and I have been together nearly two years and we introduced our children after six months to each other. There has been no issues with my partner who has been in my daughter's life for a year and a half to whom my daughter's father has commented on how happy and how much my daughter likes my partner we are both very hands on with the kids, my daughter loves his children and gets excited when she knows my partner and his kids are coming. My daughter's father is a constant, sometime does drop off or picks her, up has her every other weekend even takes her up mountains etc, he is a good dad.

was one that should read

Your dd is well loved and cared for and has a mum she absolutely WILL be proud of
I am a single parent OP and understand the guilt. I also understand the wanting and NEEDING to do the best by your child/ren. Which you ARE doing. Ignore the negative. Your daughter will be fine, will actually thrive in such a loving environment, I'm sure.

The only part of your post that I was a bit at was the contact hours for your course. It seems SO full on compared to others I've come across (my occupation) and needing to put so much in must be even harder.

Be proud of the strong network you've built around your DD. Be proud of how she is thriving. Be proud of your ambition. Be proud that your DD is always uppermost in your mind.
You are in a win win situation. Leave uni and you'll gain more time with DD. Continue at uni and you'll gain better career prospects.
I know that doesn't help, but I hope you can see how wonderful you are.

Annie, its not my childminder she is great, it has come from close members in our family but not said to my daughter, but to myself

Consider who is making the comments/digs then act accordingly. IF you believe they genuinely have your DD’s best interest at heart, then talk to them, explain why you are doing it and why you think it’s best for DD and for you. If they’re not listening or accepting then be firm and tell them you have heard them out, you have explained your POV and now you don’t want to hear anymore about it. Call them out on it if they carry on. If it’s someone just being a PITA, tell them its not helpful & you don’t want to hear it. It’s tricky if they look after DD for you, not to bite the hand that feeds, but at the same time, you’re an adult and no one has the right to tell you how to run your life.

Quite often the family digs are borne not from actual, evidenced concern but of a sense you, the child, are doing something different from what your elders did aNd the way they conducted their life. Some people take you pursuing a different path/ family set up as a direct criticism of the way they did things. If it turns out that one can do what you are doing and still have children that thrive, what does that mean for their past life choices, IYSWIM.

I often have this sense when talking to my family elders about the fact that I work and also the fact that I would not stay in a marriage 'for the kids'. They find this all horrifying because they didn't work and they did stay in such marriages.

Carry on doing what you are doing lovely! This is a hard time of year for everyone (January blues, cold weather, dark nights) and for you you have the added stress of exams - but that is only short term.

Your university saw potential in you as an excellent student to offer you a place. Your daughter will be so proud of you when you have a career and show your child what a strong, independent woman can do.

I am a single parent to a toddler and I am doing the PGCE year so I know how you feel. There are times when it feels overwhelming, but then I wake up to a new day when things seem absolutely fine. Ups and downs - we all have them.

Don't be put off by negative comments regarding teaching and the long hours. I feel that primary school teachers seem to have a much higher workload possibly than secondary school. It seems, like me, you will be doing secondary with science which from my experience is completely manageable. If you are organised you have free periods to prepare for lessons and it is such an enjoyable vocation/career and extra work can be done once daughter goes to bed.

Think forward to when your daughter is at school and you are a teacher: what other job can give you the holidays so that you will have lovely, quality time with your daughter? That is a huge weight off your shoulders knowing you don't have to worry about childcare for half terms, easter, summer holidays etc.

You may not be spending much time with your daughter now (which is tough I know, maybe put the study books away for a few more hours if possible?) but your choices now are very likely to mean that you will spend much more time with her when she is growing up. Time that she will remember and cherish.

Do whatever feels right for you, and your daughter.

I wish you luck and be proud of what you have got: a beautiful daughter and an excellent ambition and work ethic :-)

I think what you are doing is great, and you are setting your dd a wonderful example. I grew up watching my mum cook, and clean, and do everything round the house while my dad went to work, and outside of that did nothing for the family. That was my normal, and lead me to make mistakes in my life.

As for being a teacher, the hours may be long, but so are the hours in any professional career. However you will get quality time with your dd in the school holidays when other dcs are farmed out on grandparents, childminders and holiday clubs for the majority of them. Doesn't seem like such a bad hand.

Don't give up. Doesn't sound like she's starved of love and attention from family and you have those weekends with her where presumably she has your undivided attention - quality is more important than quantity.

Your degree and your subsequent job will be something you and she can be proud of and you're setting an excellent example for her

Op, you’re doing great!

I was a single parent and started my degree when my Ds1 was 3. I was also working 3 days a week.

It was really hard, and I look back now and don’t know how I managed it, but I did, and if I can do it, anyone can.

Roll on 7 years, and now I am in a career related to my degree and my son tells me all the time how proud he is of me, and we have a quality of life I could never of imagined.

Hold your head high and continue to do what you need to do. Your daughter will understand and will be immensely proud of your achievements, and everything you have done for the both of you.

I smile every time I look back at my graduation ceremony, with my son in the crowd cheering loudly with joy and pride when I walked up on stage to collect my degree.

Ignore the digs. Some people are just nasty, some are envious, and they treat everyone like that. They put no thought into their speech - it's all to make themselves feel superior. If you gave up they would sneer at you for quitting. Don't let them get to you.

You will one day be a teacher, and you will have more time in summer and on school holidays. Your DD has many people in her life who love her, and she is well taken care of. She also has a mother she can be proud of.

Are the digs from family members who have already brought up their children? Did they do it on their own as a LP or with a partner? Did they have to work or were they lucky to be a SAHM?

When I went back to work, my ex-MIL made digs about it. In the next breath she'd ask why we didn't live in a bigger house, how could we cope cramped in our small house? She seemed to have no concept that things have changed and it's far more difficult to own a home and for one parent to stay at home (without some big sacrifices like moving miles away to be able to afford to rent a house on now salary). It could be that whoever is making these digs is not thinking about the longer term benefit for your DD - having a mother that can support her and in a stable job.