To think I still have time?

[peonysandroses]

I am 28 and dh is 36. I am very much still trying to establish my career and Dh has a good job but is probably a couple of years away from where he would ideally like to be with his career.

Lots of my friends (around my age) either already have children, are pregnant or are trying for a baby. I am shocked and worried at the amount of them who have encountered fertility issues. One of my friends has been trying for 3 years and has just got pregnant using ivf. Another tried for 2 years and so on. I know some people get pregnant straight away at any age and others don’t. But I kind of assumed in your 20s most people would have no problem.

But I’m just wondering aibu to think I can wait another 3/4 years before even starting to try for a baby. I in no way feel ready for a baby right now. I work long hours and have no idea how I would fit a baby into my lifestyle (no option to cut down hours or go part time).

Dh already has 2 children from a previous relationship. He finds parenting quite difficult and would happily choose to leave it there. But he has said if I want children he will have more with me. if I’m being honest seeing it from a step parents perspective has opened my eyes to how hard parenting is. I am not 100% sure that I want kids but if I did I know I would only want 1 or 2. I kind of assumed it would be ok to leave it to 31 or 32 before even considering trying.
But I’m wondering whether I am mistaken?

YANBU. Fertility really starts dropping from 35 yrs in women. Plenty of time and better to have a child when you're both ready than be dictated by a specific age.
Had mine aged 39 and 40, it is possible!

He would be 42? So potentially retired before they finish uni?

You have plenty of time. Loads of people are waiting until 32 onwards to have children and being on MN I've seen a lot of people TTC in their 40s. Enjoy your time with your DH I'm sure in 3 or 5 years time you will have a better idea of if you are 100% sure you want children 😊

If it helps I'm 28 and am waiting. I would rather chill and enjoy some more free time before thinking down that road.

@lostinspaceyetagain I hadn't thought about it that way. Do you think that's a problem? Although if I had a baby at 32/33 he would be 40/41. Not loads of difference I know.

I’m 32 and just had first baby. My friends all seemed to fall into two camps: difficulty conceiving so needed IVF or got pregnant much faster than anticipated in month 1 or 2 (thankfully we were the latter). I had expected a lot more 6months+. You’re only really going to know once you try!

That's true @DryHeave but that's what I'm afraid of, I suppose it's unknown so a bit of a gamble. Could be fine but equally could not be.

You’ve time enough to wait from a fertility perspective. No drop really until about 32 and then only slightly until around 35 when it does start to become an issue. It really only applies to first as subsequent pregnancies are easier to conceive generally.
Your husband will be around 40 so 70 when they are about 30. That’s not really an issue either. I didn’t start babies until 28 but managed to get six in. I’ll be 57 by the time the youngest is 20 so not far off the sixty mark. It’s never been a problem for us and we don’t consider ourselves unduly elderly as parents.
Far better to wait until you are ready both personally and from a career perspective and not fret about others being younger.

You have plenty of time. It's sensible to be realistic about these things but for the majority of women fertility doesn't start to decline until 35+. It's quite unusual for your friends in their 20s to have had issues (not being dismissive - just don't want you to think you're already too late!)

I think it depends what kind of family you are thinking of - how many kids, what kind of age gaps (don't underestimate how much recovery time is a good idea for your body after pregnancy!). Add in a good few years for TTC and potential issues (fertility, breakup with your partner etc).

It's also not just about how old you are when you start, it's about still being financially responsible for your kids when you should be gearing up for retirement, etc.

Your friends aren't wrong to want to start before 30, if that's what works for them, and you aren't wrong to wait if that's what's right for you (assuming you've really thought it through).

Lostinspace he could potentially be retired before they finished uni but the OP is 8 years younger and trying to establish her career so the chances are that they will still have at least one income.

I think most people our age won't retire until about 65 anyway (or 68 even). If we had a baby when he is 40, the child would be 25-28 by the time he retires so don't see a problem really.

You have loads of time, and if you're not 100% sure you want children anyway, then wait a few years and see if anything has changed. Most of my friends had their children in their 30's.

I have seen a lot of threads on MN from women a few years down the line from you where they reach 35/36 and suddenly their DP has decided, sorry No, he doesn't want more DC after all.

Fertility is very individual but this graph might help? You could always pay for a personal check on your/DP fertility which might help you make your decision?

A friend of mine spent seven years with her DP waiting for the "right time" only to find out that when she pushed him about it being time to have a baby, he had had a vasectomy after fathering his third child with his ex

Yes you have time - I didn't start trying till I was 30 and it took about 6mths to conceive. I had another at 33, and another at 37.

I wouldn't worry too much about your DH's age.

Thank you. @rothbury thanks for the graph that is really helpful. Yes, it does worry me that if the decision was up to him he would choose to have no more. So it kind of feels like all the pressure is on me to choose and I don't want to make the wrong decision. I know he definitely is willing to have more if I want to, so that's not the issue. More just the fact that it doesn't seem to be a joint decision if that makes sense .

TBH I wouldn't wait if you think that you might want a child. There's no good time to have a baby.

Also, your DH might well be much less keen a few years down the line. Having a baby later on would mean that he spends almost all of his adult years kid parenting. Most people try to avoid that if they can.

Cat Deeley has just announced her second child is due this spring. She is 42.

I personally wouldn’t want to be having babies at that age, but certainly got no qualms with other people making that choice, so to answer you, late 30s is not weird or impossible.

That is true @Thermostatpolice. I know there is no 'right' time but surely there are times that are more difficult than others. Financially it would make sense to wait a few more years as well. He needs to be able to support his existing children and so that needs to be factored in as well.

You've plenty of time, but if you have the money to spare, can you both pay for private testing to flag any issues? (Only worth doing if you are both willing as half of fertility issues are due to male issues)

I'd wait a couple of years and then see how you feel if your not sure.

I will ask him about the private testing. I think that sounds like a sensible idea as we will have more of an idea then about when we would need to start trying.

Yes you still have time and I think you should wait a couple of years if you're not ready to have children yet. I had my first child at 33 and my second at 37.

Not advising you either way OP as I think when to have a baby is a very personal decision but please do also research and take into consideration the impact of paternal age on fertility and miscarriage risk - people think it doesn't make much difference but it does.

For the record, I'm 33 and DH is 40 and we're about to have our first baby. Timing was just right for us when we started trying and I don't regret waiting but it's taken us 2+ years and one miscarriage to get here.

Having had to go through ivf, I would say waiting that long could be a bad move. Dh and I started trying when I was around 31/32 and it didn’t work. After a few years of nothing, I ended up having 2 full cycles of ivf and one frozen cycle in between those before getting pregnant. My ivf cycles were really quick because we did them privately whilst living in Belgium. If you had to go through that in the U.K., I believe it would take longer. I gave birth when I was 37.

Otoh my friend is my age, I met her through the kids and she became pregnant pretty much the first time they had sex and gave birth at 36/37.

If I could tell the younger me words of wisdom, I would tell her to start trying at a younger age.

Ask yourself, would you see yourself growing old with no kids of your own?

He would be 42? So potentially retired before they finish uni?

Highly unlikely!