To think I still have time?

[peonysandroses]

I am 28 and dh is 36. I am very much still trying to establish my career and Dh has a good job but is probably a couple of years away from where he would ideally like to be with his career.

Lots of my friends (around my age) either already have children, are pregnant or are trying for a baby. I am shocked and worried at the amount of them who have encountered fertility issues. One of my friends has been trying for 3 years and has just got pregnant using ivf. Another tried for 2 years and so on. I know some people get pregnant straight away at any age and others don’t. But I kind of assumed in your 20s most people would have no problem.

But I’m just wondering aibu to think I can wait another 3/4 years before even starting to try for a baby. I in no way feel ready for a baby right now. I work long hours and have no idea how I would fit a baby into my lifestyle (no option to cut down hours or go part time).

Dh already has 2 children from a previous relationship. He finds parenting quite difficult and would happily choose to leave it there. But he has said if I want children he will have more with me. if I’m being honest seeing it from a step parents perspective has opened my eyes to how hard parenting is. I am not 100% sure that I want kids but if I did I know I would only want 1 or 2. I kind of assumed it would be ok to leave it to 31 or 32 before even considering trying.
But I’m wondering whether I am mistaken?

I was 32 when I agreed to try. I was pregnant within 2 weeks.

Agree with private testing. It's a gamble to wait, but you'll know more if you get tested.

Totally hear you; I had my DD at 33 & fell pregnant quickly. But like you I had a few friends with struggles and that was scary. You do have time but perhaps have a fertility check? I’ve heard of people doing that to give themselves an idea of what shape they’re in and to help them plan x

The thing is, you just don’t know if you’ll have a problem or not. We started ttc as soon as we were married and I was just 30. Several years of trying naturally and then another 5 of IVF (unexplained infertility) and I got pregnant with DS1. Fertility treatment takes time and often doesn’t work first go. DS2 was conceived first time of trying naturally.

My advice is if you do want a family then don’t leave it much past turning 30.

If you know children is definitely what you want and you're worried then I wouldn't wait. I'm 30 and have just had my fourth and am sterilised. I haven't had any fertility problems but it took me over a year each time to conceive second and third children though I conceived DC 1 and 4 straight away. I don't think there's any immediate rush as you are still youngish but just be prepared that it may take longer than you would expect. Also if you want a few children you may be leaving it a bit too late.

Purely anecdotally, I'm not sure age makes as much difference as people/the media think, apart from the obvious fact that if you do need help, you have less time to get it.

I have friends who sadly struggled in their 20's whereas I was very lucky and got pg on the first attempt at 37 and the second at a month or so away from 40. I have about 10 friends in their late 30's and early 40's who are pg or who've recently had a baby, and one of my friends had her first at 43 and her second at 45 with no help at all (well, she had help with the labour part!!).

I think having a quick check up so that you have an idea of what's going on with your hormones and eggs is a good idea. Hopefully it will show you have plenty of time and then you have a while to think about your decision.

Fertility tests are no guarantee either. Ours didn’t show any issues but it still took us 8 years to conceive for the first time.

If neither of you are sure, then wait. Being a parent is hard work and you need to be 100% sure it is what you both want. In my opinion, as heartbreaking as it must be to want children and not be able to have them, it is must worse to have children and think you have made a mistake. I was 35 by the time I knew that I definitely wanted to try. We fell into the camp of getting pregnant very quickly (3 times, one miscarriage, two children). I wasn't ready earlier, and I don't regret waiting.

You don't need to have children to have a good or meaningful life.

I think you have plenty of time. I was 30 when I had my dd and 33 when I had ds - dh is 7 years older than me so was 40 when ds was born. We compromised a bit in the end - I would've waited a bit longer to start a family but dh was clear he didn't want to be an 'old dad' so we met in the middle and it's been fine! It sounds like you're not sure if you really want a family at all yet though so definitely wouldn't go rushing into anything for that reason more than the age factor!

It is always a gamble to wait but as your friends' experiences have shown, age is only one factor in fertility. If you are going to have problems at 32, you will likely have problems at 28. You would have more time to get treatment but in your early thirties you would still have time for treatment. I think you would be unlucky to have a problem. It is true that risk of miscarriage and chromosomal issues rise with the paternal age though.

If I were you I would wait for now, but not necessarily till any set time. Review your feelings an decisions as you go along. I am 40 and pregnant so I will obviously raise a glass (mock tail 🍹) for all the slightly older mums, but had I been more able to do things as I wanted I would have done this much earlier. Since I got ill in my mid twenties I kind of wish I'd started at 20! You are not talking about anything like that though, only talking waiting a couple of years at 28 so I wouldn't worry.

Infertility (when it affects you) feels pretty binary. You can either have kids or you can't. Obviously not true, but that's how it feels. DH and I started trying when I was 25. 5 years of horrible planned sex, IVF, multiple hospital admissions, a pregnancy loss and we now finally have DS1. I'll be 32 this year. I am so glad we didn't wait. DH wasn't sure on timing but is so glad we didn't wait. There are no guarantees. I am a bit of an IVF horror story to be fair, but it can and does happen. Not all infertility is age related.

What would be worse- to try now and get pregnant straight away or to wait and have the troubles I've had, or be unable to conceive at all? Genuine question, not a prod in either direction.

Ps. 40 is a bit of a turning point for men when it comes to increased risks from paternal age.

YANBU to want to wait.

How about some basic investigations to check on your fertility? Could always freeze eggs if there are concerns.

Fingers crossed there won't be any issues though.

You're okay to leave it. I'm a midwife and most of the first time mums I see now are 30+ and that's not just white British women but across all ethnicities. Fertility actually starts to drop around 27 and physically the best time to have a baby is around 20, so most people will have missed that boat by a very long time. That said, a healthy woman aged 32 shouldn't encounter that many problems, although of course it could take a year.

It's a shame your friends have had fertility issues but it's not as unusual as you might think. It can happen at any age - weight related, PCOS, scarring from STDs, chlamydia can cause infertility and lots of people don't even realise they've had it. Of course, the man might have problems with his sperm. You can't base things on your friends, always best to wait till you feel ready I think.

Depends how much you want DC. While you have mixed feelings it seems to make sense to wait given the financial/career/2nd family issues. no one knows for sure whether having a baby will be difficult, or impossible, until you try.

Paternal age is a factor in fertility, and an older father increases risks of certain conditions in DC. even if his sperm were the issue it’d likely be you having invasive fertility treatment.

I should have added. I started trying at 24 years old. My husband and I do have fertility issues - I'm pleased I didn't wait. I've got the advantage of having more time to try several rounds of IVF (first one failed).

I think that the rise in IVF is due to the fact that mothers are waiting longer to start a family. It is a risk to leave it - but a risk that many women choose to take. I think the crux of the matter is that fertility cannot be relied upon at any age. And there is no right time to have a baby!

I got pregnant very easily at 32, had felt similarly to you prior to that. I feel that that was good age to start to try if you want 2 kids. As pp have shown there are no guarantee but feel that age gives a reasonable window to try to make the most of your fertility. If you want 3 I'd suggest starting around 30. If I really wanted a (1st, 2nd or 3rd) child I wouldn't want to start to try much later than 35 due to the decline in fertility around that age.

The trope that women choose to delay having babies till they're older really annoys me. Women don't often have much say in the matter

Maybe try and decide whether you actually want children first! Whatever you do, don't have them because of "What if...".

What's the big deal about the father possibly being retired by the time the children are adults? Is it shameful to have a retired parent or something? I don't get it.

It's financial Emma. We'd love to retire before 60 but DC will still be at uni so dependent on us financially.

Had we had them 5 years earlier it would have been a possibility.

“a risk that many women choose to take”.

That old chestnut. Often not a choice!

@SpitefulMidLifeAnimal how do you decide though? I mean I do like kids, so I'm not someone who hates them or anything. But at the same time they are hard work and at times I do get quite tired and drained by my step-children. But then I'm wondering whether that is because they are not my own and so I don't get as much joy out of watching them grow as their Mum and dad do. Although my Dh seems just as drained sometimes and although he probably wouldn't openly admit it he doesn't particularly enjoy being a dad most of the time.

Well, peonys, the only person who can decide is you. What about DH though? It doesn't really sound like he wants more kids at all, as he finds parenting hard. He'll likely find it hard again. I'm not certain that having children with a man who doesn't really want them is a good idea. What if he wasn't prepared to compromise at all and said "No"? How would you feel then?