To think I still have time?

[peonysandroses]

I am 28 and dh is 36. I am very much still trying to establish my career and Dh has a good job but is probably a couple of years away from where he would ideally like to be with his career.

Lots of my friends (around my age) either already have children, are pregnant or are trying for a baby. I am shocked and worried at the amount of them who have encountered fertility issues. One of my friends has been trying for 3 years and has just got pregnant using ivf. Another tried for 2 years and so on. I know some people get pregnant straight away at any age and others don’t. But I kind of assumed in your 20s most people would have no problem.

But I’m just wondering aibu to think I can wait another 3/4 years before even starting to try for a baby. I in no way feel ready for a baby right now. I work long hours and have no idea how I would fit a baby into my lifestyle (no option to cut down hours or go part time).

Dh already has 2 children from a previous relationship. He finds parenting quite difficult and would happily choose to leave it there. But he has said if I want children he will have more with me. if I’m being honest seeing it from a step parents perspective has opened my eyes to how hard parenting is. I am not 100% sure that I want kids but if I did I know I would only want 1 or 2. I kind of assumed it would be ok to leave it to 31 or 32 before even considering trying.
But I’m wondering whether I am mistaken?

@SpitefulMidLifeAnimal if he was of that mindset then I wouldn't have married him. As whilst I'm not sure yet I want to be able to have the option.

I started ttc at 29 and never did conceive. But I think I’m the exception rather than the rule, I’m sure you have time. Why not leave it until you’re 30 and see how you feel then?

There are a few people advising the OP not to wait, yet she's said she's not 100% sure she even wants a child/children.

OP, there's still so much expectation from society that every woman must want to have children and they're not normal if they don't. Your experience with your step children is interesting. If you said you'd looked after a friend's dog and found it hard work, and weren't sure if you could cope with a dog of your own, I don't think anyone would advise you to get a dog just in case it might not still be possible to get one in a few years. The first thing you need to do is wait until you know for sure what you want.

And before I get flamed, yes, I do know that dogs and children are in a different league but doesn't that mean you should be even more sure you are making the right decision about a child?

I think there is definitely too much pressure. People who say they don't want kids are often viewed as selfish and weird. I don't get it.

I really love dogs though! So at least that's one thing I know about for sure

I had just turned 37 and my husband was 26 when I became pregnant with our first child.

We've been together 4.5 years but prior to last May we lived in 2 different countries. The total amount of time we were together to try for a baby before conception was 10.5 months. However my husband has balanced chromosomal translocation which causes fertility issues.

I've had 2 obstetricians tell me that the drop off in a woman's fertility isn't as scary as the media portrays it to be, it's more of a gradual drop off rather than a drop off a cliff.

I'd actually be more concerned about your husbands age affecting you getting pregnant then your own tbh.

Sorry to clarify, I mean the age your husband would be in 3 to 4 years time.

There's some evidence that the quality of men's sperm deteriorates with age. Which to me makes perfect sense but I think it's still a topic of debate in scientific communities.

peonys
I imagine people think it is weird as the drive to procreate is biological. And an imperative for the species to survive. Some people simply don’t seem to have this biological drive. Yet no one turns a blind eye if someone is in a same sex relationship and never has kids. In fact many think it’s weird when same sex couples do. Totally bizarre attitude really when you think about it.

Anyway, as I already said upthread, think about yourself growing old. Do you see yourself with kids or not. Or is that still too far in the future?

Right- this will sound blunt but.....

I think your bigger question is do you effectively want to be a single parent, because in 5 years time, your DH may well be completely out of the parenting zone and be a pretty disinterested father, especially if by his own admission he's only having another one because you want one. I have slight sympathy as I'd rather shag Donald Trump than have another baby when my two are teens, but I'd solve that dilemma by just not having one. I do have a couple of friends in your position but further down the line who find themselves having lonely weekends with 2 preschoolers while their DP suddenly develops a renewed interest in first batch of DC who now are older and into fun stuff like sailing and tennis.

It would be madness to start now when he doesnt want another one and you're not sure if you do or not.

I would give yourself more time to think about it. You don't seem sold on having a baby and yes, while it can take a while to conceive/ there could be problems etc., you could also fall pregnant first time you try (happened to me and 2 of my friends). Would you be happy having a baby in 9 months? If not, wait a bit.

He finds parenting quite difficult and would happily choose to leave it there.

You have plenty of time but I would think long and hard before having children with a man who'd rather not have any more and won't be looking forward to the prospect.

If you're worried about your fertility, go have a check up with an OBGYN and have your hormone levels tested to rule out any common reasons for infertility. If all those come back as clear, there should be no reason not to put it off a couple more years.

Your Dh's age is a bit of an issue here. With a woman under 25 and a man under 25 average time to pregnancy 4.5 months, with a woman under 25 and a man over 40 average time is 2 years.

With you both on the downward fertility slope, and him quite far along, the chance of a natural conception diminishes. But in these brave new times you don't necessarily have to be reliant on a natural conception. If you do have difficulty, there are several approaches that can improve your chances (obviously nothing, not even trying when you're 20, is a guarantee). Maybe put money aside in case you don't qualify for the fertility treatment you want on the NHS when you want it (it's not cheap, but it's a small fraction of what a child costs, so possibly affordable if you plan?).

I had my first child at 32, got pregnant on the third months trying, second child at 35, on first month trying

I would say don't try until you are sure you want a baby and are ready for it to happen.

I was always worried about my fertility in my 20s but neither me or dh were ready so we waited. We decided to start trying a week before I turned 32 and I fell pregnant straight away, its a big responsibility and you shouldn't jump into trying out of fertility fear.

We plan to have a second baby at some point (ds is only 5 weeks old) probably when I'm 34/35 and if fertility is an issue we have already discussed looking at other options such as adoption.

It's better not to have children at all than children you can't take care of properly. A would normally say that a career is a really stupid thing to sacrifice having children for but it doesn't seem like this is about your career. Don't have children unless you actually want them.

Is fertility a big issue for a man at 39/40 (when I'll be 31/32) ? I had no idea that was an issue.
I don't know, I used to be so sure I wanted kids. But since I've met Dh my views on it have changed. I think it's seeing how hard work he finds his kids and how hard work I find them (they are extremely energetic and full on all day, everyone always comments on this, they have behavioural issues (teachers think SN). If I had one of my own with the same problems I don't know if I'd be able to cope. I feel exhausted after helping look after them and I'm only their step parent! I honestly couldn't cope if I was their mum.
But then when I'm around my friends or families children it's a completely different experience and I really quite enjoy it so I have no idea what to do.

Is fertility a big issue for a man at 39/40 (when I'll be 31/32) ? I had no idea that was an issue.
I don't know, I used to be so sure I wanted kids. But since I've met Dh my views on it have changed. I think it's seeing how hard work he finds his kids and how hard work I find them (they are extremely energetic and full on all day, everyone always comments on this, they have behavioural issues (teachers think SN). If I had one of my own with the same problems I don't know if I'd be able to cope. I feel exhausted after helping look after them and I'm only their step parent! I honestly couldn't cope if I was their mum.
But then when I'm around my friends or families children it's a completely different experience and I really quite enjoy it so I have no idea what to do.

I probably wouldn't put too much emphasis on how you find caring for your step kids, mind you they are the offspring of the same father as your own would be...

I don't think fertility is a big issue for men of 40. I think about it in a similar way to raised risks of complications for older mothers, the risks are much higher, but they are still more likely to not happen than to happen if you see what I mean. There are actually apparently more chromosomal issues affected by paternal age than by maternal, and they do start to become more likely at 40 plus for men. They contribute to the raised risk of miscarriage with paternal age and also paternal age could make conceiving a bit harder. But all that said, the odds are very good that you would not have any of those issues.

What I was trying to say is that as I understand it (and am no kind of expert so hopefully someone else is) the risks compared to those of a younger man are comparatively higher but still in real terms only affect a minority.

Thank you

Fertility is an issue for older men in terms of natural conception. Half of known issues for infertile couples who look to IVF and the like are because of male infertility, not just female infertility. Older men do not have such active sperm as younger men and that makes getting pregnant quite a bit harder. As women age, normally so do their partners (because culturally women tend to stick with men roughly their own age or older). All these incidents we hear of women approaching 40 needing IVF to get pregnant would be a lot fewer if they tended to hook up with 20-year-old men. Not that I'm advocating going for a young guy, I'm just pointing out that when we hear about women having difficulty conceiving as they get older, it isn't just because they're older - their partners are older too and that's half the cause.

OP ask your GP for an AMH test, or a referral for one privately. It will show your ovarian reserve, the level of eggs you have left. It's information that can help you make a decision about how long you can put off TTC.

I went through my late 20's/early 30's in a relationship, and for years we talked about TTC in a year or two. then at 32 we split up. A few short failed relationships and a couple of years later and I started worrying that things would never happen for me.

Like you I was constantly being told I had time, so-and-so friend has had a baby at 40 or that celeb has announced preg at 43 so there must be time.

Then I met someone who I wanted children with and who wanted them with me, I managed to conceive eventually but miscarried, then we went back to TTC but no luck,

I was in my late 30's when I had the test and my AMH score came back at almost undetectable levels and equivalent to a woman in her 50's (and you know the chances of a woman in her 50's getting pregnant? and then of that pregnancy being successful due to egg quality?).

As it turns out I should have tried to conceive by my early 30's at the latest.

I'm now pregnant via IVF with donor eggs, it's extremely unlikely they would have been able to retrieve any of my eggs, and had they done so the egg quality would have been extremely poor and unlikely to lead to a successful pregnancy.

Just please bare in mind that just because a lot of women manage to get pregnant later in life it doesn't mean that you will be able to too, make sure you have information about your personal circumstances to make that choice.

Yes, male fertility issues due to age can be a problem, and it’d still be you having the fertility treatment. So his age could be a problem if you leave it. May not be, but that’s the gamble.

Is he a decent father to the DC he already has? Eg spends maximum time parenting his DC (rather than eow), working with his ex to parent them and seek information and professional help with finding out about any SN? The better he is with them the better chance he’d be a good parent for any future DC.

Also, not just conception: miscarriage, genetic abnormalities etc can be due to sperm.