To feel upset at the thought of a wedding

[sailorcherries]

So, after I posted about being upset over not being able to afford the wedding I had originally envisaged myself and OH sat down and decided on an intimate ceremony and meal at a restaurant with a party afterwards, if we could afford that.

However every idea I've had my parents have shot down in one way or another.

1. The original plan - too dear.
2. Go abroad - selfish, how could I do that to my grandparents as they probably won't live to see any other grandchild's wedding.
3. Only parents and siblings - see above.
4. Intimate ceremony and meal only - not good enough, what will people do afterwards?
5. Intimate ceremony and meal followed by a party - why not look elsewhere and see what places have good packages?

It's reached the point where no matter what is suggested I know someone will have something to say about it and now I feel close to tears at the thought of any wedding. Surely it's not supposed to be so upsetting and tiring already? Surely someone is supposed to be happy for you?
It seems like there is no point in a bloody wedding if it's going to cause so much stress and everyone else wants it there way without any regard to what we want?

I can't see any way of planning without someone going on and on.

Hooded?! *wedding!

If there's no pleasing your mum then just please yourself and DP - you're the ones getting married after all. Refuse to discuss plans with her (you can just say it's between you and DP or something) and just tell her the day and place once you're ready, let her know this is it and if she doesn't like it she doesn't have to come.

I think a 5k budget is way more sensible than 20k for one day as well - I always think those ones are about insecurity and showing off. 5k is loads!

You're a grown woman with children of your own. You don't need your parents' approval. Do what you want and spend what you can comfortably afford. If they don't like it they don't have to come. End of story.

This is why I didn’t tell anyone. I just did it. 😂
My friend got into this situation. She did what the parents asked in the end but she’s never forgotten how they pushed her out of something she had always wanted.

My perfect (cheap) wedding would be registry office followed by sit down meal in a restaurant, few drinks and home!

Photography is literally for the ceremony and after, not an all day affair. OH and I have next to no pictures together and I have very few with the boys so it will be nice to have a few professional ones when we are all done up. She is a friend of OH though and will do it cheaper than her usual rate, full rights to all pictures and a USB with them all.

We are going to speak to parents and just explain that we do not want anything else.

I just want everyone to keep their opinions to themselves.

It's your and your partner's day so plan the wedding you want.

If you compromise for other people you will probably regret it.

Me and DH wanted a quiet register office wedding with just parents and siblings and then go for a nice meal. His mum went on and on about how we had to invite all relatives, how we had to have a reception, how we had to have a photographer etc etc.

Oh and we wanted to get married on my birthday which was a weekday. That was out of the question in MIL's eyes. No way was she taking a day off work! She said if we insisted on a weekday she wouldn't be coming.

Stupidly we agreed to siblings and parents only at ceremony but an evening reception, photographer, DJ etc. We married on the Saturday after my birthday.

I have always regretted listening to her moaning. Nearly 40 years later every birthday I think "this should have been my wedding day". If I could go back in time our wedding is the one thing I would change. We should have told her we were doing it our way and if she didn't come fine.

We did enjoy the day and the reception was good but not necessary. The photographer was a complete waste of money. Our wedding album has probably been looked at twice and now we don't even know where it is!

A wedding is one day. It's not about where it is, how fancy it is or the clothes you wear it's about two people who love each other. If you have that then it's already perfect.

£5k is a lot of money. You can have a nice day with that. It's your wedding, no one else's. I would stop trying to make everyone else happy (never gonna happen, someone will always have something to moan about it) and focus on what it is that you want.

Or you could elope and spend the money on a really nice holiday.

For what it's worth, my in laws were also very much about appearances and what would everyone think if the wedding wasn't some huge lavish affair. I spent far too much time listening to them gripe and trying to please them. The year long run up to our wedding was bloody awful. Like yourselves we wanted a small affair, parents, siblings and grandparents and a nice meal afterwards. That wasn't good enough apparently. The wedding we got was still small but bigger than we liked and not what we wanted. The evening Do was the only bit of 'us' in the whole day and I had to fight tooth and nail to keep it. It's not worth the level of stress for one day. If you can afford to pay for what you want yourself, do it and tell them to bugger off. Nicely. Congratulations on your engagement and I hope you have a lovely day.

Thanks everyone. The only bit I really wanted if we had an evening reception is a band, one specific band, and as they are £1500+ that's a no go.
Everything else - decorations, stationery, cake etc I'm not fussed with in the slightest as long as I get my small wedding! I've even looked at Monsoon and House of Fraser wedding dresses because the thought of spending 3 months mortgage payments on a flipping dress makes me feel sick.

I'm not a lavish out there person and I've no idea why my parents (mum) suddenly seems to think that I am.

First, you are brilliant for letting go of the "fairy tale" and planning within the budget.

Easier said than done but I think you have to switch off from your colleague's nonsense.

As for your mum, just keep telling her "we are not going into debt for this". You can have a wonderful wedding for £5k (we did) and I do hope you can have your band. Good luck x

Our wedding day was less than £1k, we didn’t have lots of ‘normal’ wedding stuff - no cars, bridesmaids/ushers, no photographer, sit down meal, speeches, first dance etc in fact it’s probably easier to say the bits we did keep. I bought our wedding invites in a card shop I think it was 10 for £1.70. I have about 60 amazing photos all of them relaxed and my three absolute favourites were taken by different people on phone cameras (we both hate having our picture taken so photos were at the bottom of our list) Everyone gone by 7/7.30.

My BIL and his wife got married 7/8mths after us her dress cost more than our whole wedding and had all of the ‘traditional’ wedding stuff.

My point is we both had the day we wanted and the end result is the same. Different things are important to different people. Sit with your DP and work out the bits that are important to you. Once you have worked out what you want go through and prioritise what is more important and at the end after it’s all booked then tell people if they ask or if you think that they will hassle you, say wait and see it’s a surprise.

We have just got married and for us it was about being married before we lost anyone else who was important to us (my dad and 2 of dh friends have passed away in the last couple of years)

It was a budget wedding but we had the most amazing time.
Registry office and notice fees £400
First drink in pub we met in £40 (they discounted it as it was a wedding!)
Pub function room - free and was huge. Nice to stay local so taxis werent expensive
Dj £250 - dh parents paid.
Food £350 buffet for 100 my mum sorted this. Me and my sis helped cook and prep the day before.
Decorations - sorted by friends
Taxis to and from venues £80
Invites £40
My dress £60 from chichi london was beautiful and got compliments all evening. They have loads of dresses online. I bought a coloured petticoat for underneath £25.
Dds outfits £60 for both in monsoon sale and river island.
Mine and dds shoes £90 (but will be worn again - sparkly converse!)
Hair accessories £20 for mine and dds. My sis done my hair and i did dds.
Makeup i had a free tutorial at bare minerals in debenhams and applied myself.
Dp new tie £12 he wore a suit he already had.

Our extravegant bits were
Photobooth £375 - kids and adults alike loved this and we have some amazing photos which made us laugh looking through.
Customised rings made by a local artist £380 - worth looking into this option as tbh no more expensive really than hsamuels or the like and were made for us.

In total was under £2000 and the day was fantastic i wouldnt change a thing!!

I somebody gave £15-£20k would you really spend on one day or would you realistically use some towards the rest of your life together, deposit, mortgage etc. I couldn't justify spending that amount on one day and certainly couldn't contemplate getting into debt or taking out loans for one day. I would probably only use credit card for large items then pay it straight back from what I had put by for that item and just use CC as added insurance on hotel/venue payment or honeymoon. Luckily my family and friends would understand the need for a more low key and intimate wedding rather than a lavish showy day

@sailorcherries Whereabouts in Scotland are you? I got married 4 years ago for under £2k for 50 people and might have some useful info. PM me if you like (don't want to offer unsolicited advice when you know what you want but would love to help ).

Most people I know who are already living together with children don't have a big traditional wedding. In my experience very small family only (often only children) ceremony and then or at at a later date a party for friends and families.

Couple always fully fund it in my experience.

I was about to come on saying all my money saving tips, such as m&s cake, etc. but it's obvious that it's your mum that's the problem, not your budget.
I had the same with my dad, first he showed disinterest because of a previous upset, then he insisted on a few details else he wasn't coming (I let him have them if he paid as couldn't be doing with the drama), then he said he wasn't coming not long before the wedding over another falling out (him trying to force me into something, me not complying) but I was actually relieved as I'd always wanted my mum to walk me down the aisle as she'd raised me and I felt he'd done then 'giving away' bit when he'd walked out on their marriage whilst mum was pregnant as he'd impregnated someone else, then mistreating me for my whole life. Anyway, then he decided he was coming, forced me into letting him walk me down the aisle (which I still regret) and did a few other things which beggars belief but could be identifying. I am now non contact with him and couldn't be happier, but that was after a lot of things happened and was in my situation so I'm not saying that's what you should necessarily do.
Do the wedding you want, let her be involved if you want, realise you will never make her totally happy so make yourself and your husband happy. If that makes her NC, know that's her fault not yours (and enjoy the peace ;) )

OP, you sound like you know exactly what you want. Ignore your mum and do the wedding you want.

The wedding you've described was exactly what I wanted. Meal for 20 in a lovely place followed by a party later.
What I got was 85 day guests and another 50 at night. Now this was because it was what dh wanted, so I went along with it but your day sounds perfect.

Don't get me wrong I loved my wedding day (was also in central Scotland) and I had an amazing time.
(My venue also came in at under 5k including food, cake, photographer, cars etc. Pm if you're around this area and want to know where it is if you do decide on a bigger do)

Plan exactly what you want and then say this is what’s happening or booked (even if not). Any comments from DM tell her that you’ll take her off the guest list!