To feel upset at the thought of a wedding

[sailorcherries]

So, after I posted about being upset over not being able to afford the wedding I had originally envisaged myself and OH sat down and decided on an intimate ceremony and meal at a restaurant with a party afterwards, if we could afford that.

However every idea I've had my parents have shot down in one way or another.

1. The original plan - too dear.
2. Go abroad - selfish, how could I do that to my grandparents as they probably won't live to see any other grandchild's wedding.
3. Only parents and siblings - see above.
4. Intimate ceremony and meal only - not good enough, what will people do afterwards?
5. Intimate ceremony and meal followed by a party - why not look elsewhere and see what places have good packages?

It's reached the point where no matter what is suggested I know someone will have something to say about it and now I feel close to tears at the thought of any wedding. Surely it's not supposed to be so upsetting and tiring already? Surely someone is supposed to be happy for you?
It seems like there is no point in a bloody wedding if it's going to cause so much stress and everyone else wants it there way without any regard to what we want?

I can't see any way of planning without someone going on and on.

5k is huge amount. My wedding cost £3 k. What do you want..sounds grandparents important. Church register office with nice meal in hotel, pub for both your parents, brother sisters and grandparents.

Could u get married in country pub/hotel with restaurant. Then u could get married and have the meal then people can hang out in the bar, walk around the grounds, pay to stay over?

Pickett I teach and a lot of those deals don't apply during peak times which is annoying!

We are compromising on venue, music (I want a band but it seems out our budget), type of ceremony, stationery (vistaprint), decorations (home made and minimal, table linen and no chair covers), food in the evening (hot rolls but no finger food). We don't have much left to compromise on unfortunately.

And thank you to everyone else. I would elope just us and the kids but I'd never hear the end of it and I'm not even sure what's worse anymore

Ok, use only your own money and do only what you and your fiance want.

No input from other people. Your day, your money, your deicsions.

Wedding planning brings out the worst in people. We had...
1 announce pregnancy and couldnt do that date.
Can't do that date as we're going to pregnant ladies to help her with new baby.
Too skint to come (bare in mind food and accommodation for night were included and a few drinks each)
1 suddenly doesn't eat meat a week before he wedding.
It's only casual I can come in a football top can't I?

We had 30 guests!!!

You can't please everyone...this is about you and oh x x

Fly to Vegas just the two of you, pick a couple of witnesses off the street and sod the lot of them. They'll get over it.

As others have said, decide what's important to you, & whether you can afford that, then add in 'optionals' if you think you can. Hubby & I printed & wrote invitations ourselves, married in registry office (about 30 guests), walked round the corner to a pub for buffet afternoon tea (where we had time to talk to everyone, people were relaxed & seemed to really enjoy it). We married the first Sat in November so anyone who wanted to could join us at the local big fireworks display in the evening - felt like a really good end to our day. Slept at home that night, then had a week away a few days later.

spartak if the kids were 10 years older we would!

E.L.O.P.E

You need to present it as a fait accompli based on what you can afford, not invite comment or criticism. Tbh I really don't recall any of the details of the day you seem so hung up about like table coverings. Could any friends/family contribute items as a wedding gift? FE college students may do flowers for example as a course project for cost and expenses.

5 seems pretty generous. We spent that on 50 invitees with half going on photographer and rings. It meant hiring the village hall, doing own decor, flowers, half the food (then had whole lamb spitroast) but we did get champagne, provide drinks throughout etc so by no means on a shoestring. Each to their own but you might be able to go a bit bigger than the 9 guests if you think where you can economise.and IF you want a bigger event.

Either insist on 4 or elope, preferably the latter. My parents were difficult about my wedding and in retrospect I really wish we’d eloped and left them to gripe. I expect the wider family would have (long term) been fine and laughed about it.

My husband and I would have liked to have been able to spend more and invite more people but our budget was limited by the impending massive visa fees to bring me to the UK and a short timetable to plan everything.

In the end we were happy regardless with it, we spent so much time apart in 2 different countries that nothing could have spoiled it. Even my Mom inviting her abusive ex then lying about inviting him and causing multiple family members to drop out of coming, still didn't ruin it.

What's really important is how you and your future husband feel about each other and not what everyone else thinks about your plans or what other people have planned for their own wedding.

Family going into debt for dream weddings and spending 15k on a wedding is actually my idea of hell, because I'd be a far less intelligent person then I am to think that was a sensible idea.

We did ours for £5k including my dress and rings. Church wedding, organist for ceremony. Coach to and from hotel for guests. Hot buffet, drinks for toasting, pasties later in the night, DJ for music. Dress from Wed2B. Decorations picked up in random places, B&M, ebay etc.

No chair covers, no red carpets no gimmicky games etc.

However, I did find it's cheaper to buy chair covers second hand than to hire them, if you want them. For a band, it's very expensive for a professional wedding band (my brother paid about £800!) and you'll still want music in between sets, so ask about for recommendations for bands that play in pubs etc?

Cake - have a look at M&S and Waitrose. We had cheese rounds, and it was served up with biscuits after dinner!

There are compromises and compromises. What elements are the most important? I'd suggest the ceremony is the entire points of the day, so stick to your guns. Or put it off six months and save some more money up?

Book off peak, out of wedding season - that's helps too.

Tell everyone (excluding dp) that you feel upset and demoralised and are putting it on hold. Hopefully get a modicum of concern from them. Then wait until you can let go of dreams and comparisons and plan something the two of you feels represents you. Pre-empt further interference by getting your parents to list what is important to them in priority order and say you will only be able to accommodate a few of their requirements. Honestly I could not believe how selfish others were when we got married, well, some of my family anyway.

Why are you consulting them?

You're a grown adult and whilst it feels important to invite family to a celebration, how/where/when and what form of it is up to you and what you want to spend.

Chair covers etc - do not matter to anyone apart from the people getting money for providing them.

Do 4 or say you know what - this is all too much grief, get married on your own in private and don't tell them.

Wedding at county hall in the week. 2 witnesses. Amazing lavish do on the Saturday??

If I were you I’d work out what I want to do, itemise it all with total coatings.
Then do the exact same thing for what your parents want.
Sit them down and show them the itemised coatings, and crucially, the difference. Then say this is why we are planning the wedding we are - this is what we can afford. Unless they offer to cough up for the difference they should understand surely

My phone keeps changing costings to coatings!

We did it for £5k. Register office was £200 then 50 Day guests at the golf club (mainly just family, we both come from large families, 21 cousins between us!) then all friends invited to the evening, we just had a DJ and it was great. We did it in winter and got a discount on the venue and photographer, my dress was in a sale and only had one bridesmaid so that saved loads. I can honestly say I couldn’t have had a better time if we’d spent £20k.

DDs wedding was around 5k ceremony at nice registry office followed by wedding breakfast and evening do at a hotel chain. That included dress ,cake etc

We got married for less than £500. We had two witnesses, married at the register office, then had some photos taken at a photo studio after. All followed by a lovely lunch at a low-key restaurant, as our children were then tiny and wouldn't have enjoyed anything fancier. And then we went home, and emailed our parents copies of our marriage certificate, and turned our phones off.

It was brilliant. A completely stress-free wedding, which we have never regretted. Don't let your parents bully you into a wedding you won't enjoy. Take back control. Do what you want, and do it with joy in your heart.

Just go to Scotland, and get married. Then have a disco or something for your friends and family. Job done.

Flouncy we are Scottish!

And my compromises are things I am happy to do, I don't care about chair covers or table decorations etc so we are cutting back. We're also having silk of paper flowers instead of real and so on.

I'm not consulting my parents per say, they ask and we tell, then it seems to open the floor to all sorts of unwarranted opinions.

My DH and I had a wedding for about 80. It cost 11k BUT we could've done it for £6k easily - it was because some family offered help but we took it on the proviso that it didn't mean they got to dictate ANYTHING about the day.

Local hall with kitchen facilities £500 from afternoon before

Homemade invites, table plan and place cards

Did all the flowers myself - just went 'white' and bought a big square vase for flowers. Made bouquets on the morning - total £400 for bouquets, corsages, buttonholes and table settings.

Register Office ceremony

Catered food was lots BUT could've halved it by having served buffet

We provided all booze but you could hire a bar.

Seriously, do the wedding you want with the funds you can raise yourself and tell them they're ruining it and if they don't want to come it's their choice.

I had a massive bust up because I am NC with an aunt who thinks she's the centre of the world. My gran told me she couldn't 'support' the wedding if I didn't invite her. I said that was her choice and refused to discuss it further. Low and behold she changed her mind when it looked like she'd not get her way but might miss out.

My wedding was simple and beautiful and yours can be whatever you want too. Be strong.