To feel upset at the thought of a wedding

[sailorcherries]

So, after I posted about being upset over not being able to afford the wedding I had originally envisaged myself and OH sat down and decided on an intimate ceremony and meal at a restaurant with a party afterwards, if we could afford that.

However every idea I've had my parents have shot down in one way or another.

1. The original plan - too dear.
2. Go abroad - selfish, how could I do that to my grandparents as they probably won't live to see any other grandchild's wedding.
3. Only parents and siblings - see above.
4. Intimate ceremony and meal only - not good enough, what will people do afterwards?
5. Intimate ceremony and meal followed by a party - why not look elsewhere and see what places have good packages?

It's reached the point where no matter what is suggested I know someone will have something to say about it and now I feel close to tears at the thought of any wedding. Surely it's not supposed to be so upsetting and tiring already? Surely someone is supposed to be happy for you?
It seems like there is no point in a bloody wedding if it's going to cause so much stress and everyone else wants it there way without any regard to what we want?

I can't see any way of planning without someone going on and on.

Ok. Stop thinking about how your wedding plans will effect everyone else. You cannot possibly please everyone. As long as it’s right for you and your fiancé, screw everyone else. You don’t have to be plan things to everyone else’s expectations. Pick and budget, pick a theme. Stick to it. It should not be this stressful!

Don't envy the money spent by others on their weddings. I've been to very expensive weddings but much preferred one where the reception was in the garden - the food a buffet/BBQ done by family and friends. The thing that really makes a wedding isn't its cost!

I feel really sorry for you op. it’s horribel having manipulative negative people guilting you about something which should be lovely.

Honestly, if your mum is that horrible, why pander to her? Why continue to let her bad behaviour upset you? I’m sorry it’s happening to you, it’s crap - would you consider eloping with the kids and having the big party after for everyone?

Still not sure how you are worried about overspeanding though, if you have £5K to spend.
£1000 will feed 25 people a nice set meal + drink in a local restaurant
£1000 would sort you a hall, DJ and light buffet for the 100+ in the evening
That still leaves you £3k.... clothes, licence and Church costs, maybe a couple of taxis, bouquet, button holes are not going to come to anywhere near that.
I realise you can spend thousands upon thousands, but f you have set your budget, and you know the numbers you want to invite, then crack on and book what you want to do and just present it as fait accompli to your parents. I'd have thought as you are a parent yourself, you should be independent enough of them to not let them make you feel bad for not doing things the way they might have thought best.

Regarding the Keeping Up with the Jones with people at work, the answer is to go in the opposite direction. Make a feature of having a minimalist, informal wedding. Don't try to do something in their style but cheaper. Start with the basics and build on that. Don't get hung up on conventional fripperies like table decorations, chair covers and favours. Make it personal to you.

Imv, weddings have got completely out of hand with more and more add-ons to make them better than everyone else's. Everyone's spending far too much money, including the poor guests.

Agree with Thymeout. We got married a year or two after a lot of friends got married. We had been to many weddings in lovely locations with churches and big white frocks and nice decorations and fancy cars and everyone dressed up and beef wellington and champagne, and they all just blended into one another.

It was actually really fun to plan a wedding that was nothing like that. It took away all the pressure to go one better or meet anyone's expectations.

Late ceremony. No wedding cake. No band. Local hall. No presents but ask everyone to bring a dish and bottle or cash bar. All people want at a wedding is to have fun and wish the couple well.

My son married early last year only parents, siblings and grandparents attended. Registry office ceremony followed by dinner and drinks. Was a brilliant day. It was exactly what they wanted. Please do have what you want and enjoy your day. Your families should just be happy for you regardless of what sort of wedding you have. After all the wedding is only one day. The marriage itself is what's important.

OP it sounds like you know what you want, can you afford this without input from any relatives?

If so tell your parents that this is what you are planning, they are welcome to contribute or not. You'll have a great time and if they do contribute anything you can either spend a bit extra on the day or simply spend less of your own money.

"I'm upset at the constant criticism about whatever we have said." I think this is the main issue, the relatives (your mum?) are effecting you. You've met the man of your dreams, you've settled down together and have children together. Your a grown up and you need to tell your mum not to try and put a dampener on your big day.

I think it's quite normal to have rows and upsets with family (I remember a few disagreements about my wedding too!) but your mum is taking the whole fun out of it for you.

I'd not tell her your plans in too great detail, and if she asks for more details or says mean things I'd just explain, this is how we are doing it.

Your day will be great, it doesn't matter what others are planning to do, or how much we'd all like the money that some people spend on weddings, but your day will be about you and your man, please do not let your family spoil it for you.

I think your plan sounds perfect OP!

Ignore your mum, everyone will have a great time. If needs be, have a word with your dad and see if he can get her to wind her neck in a bit.

It's not a wedding problem you have is it OP? It's a mother problem. I recognize that tactic of just sapping all the fun out of a plan by questioning the life out of it. Does she do that thing of asking a question, and then you reply enthusiastically, and then she makes a sad sympathetic face about it?
If she's got narcissistic tendencies she'll be desperate for the wedding to be bigger and showier than everyone else's daughters'. I wonder if she might manage to come on board if you could get her to see expensive weddings as tacky and yours as stylishly minimalistic but who can be bothered, really? I would start seeing your mum as an issue to be managed for the wedding, and find other people to share your excitement.

Elope. Then its just about you

Will read the full thread later as just about to get off train but wanted to empathise!

Had exactly the same thing with mine
Trad wedding - expensive
Close family only- what about your auntie?
Intimate ceremony and evening party- you can expect everyone to come all that way for an evening
Daytime event- what will everyone do in the evening

In the end it all worked out absolutely fine. I would say just do what you can afford, people don’t have to come if it’s to far etc etc, most people are very excited and happy for you!

For 5k you can have a lovely wedding!

We found a local venue. For 2.5k we get the service not including registrar fees, room dressing, sit down meal for 50, dj, buffet for 80, bridal suite and a few other bits and bobs.

Have you thoroughly checked every venue you can get to? We didn't know tge place we are using did weddings and was shocked at the cost compared to others.

My wedding was beautiful. Bespoke dress, marquee, ceilidh, disco, gorgeous food, stunning flowers, the works.

20k, it cost. Probably upwards of that.

Unfortunately my husband forced me into sex on my wedding night. I was miserable for the following fifteen years. The beautiful handmade silk dress ended up rolled up and shoved in the bottom of a skip.

It's all bollocks, honestly. Now I'm happily unmarried to the love of my life. We might get married at some point, and if we do it'll probably be in secret, in the week, in jeans.

Don't fall into the wedding trap.

Do you really need a photographer? They are so £££

Elope!

Just as an aside OP, I'm not sure how old your kids are, but don't rule out escaping to Vegas if they are teens. Yes they cannot gamble, or linger in the casino floor but my mum took us when we were teenagers, and it was a fab. Normal holiday in the day (pool/food/shopping/sights), shows at night, and then we chilled in the hotel room whilst my mum and stepdad did a bit of gambling downstairs. Add a wedding in, I think it could be just the escapism from the interfering you'd need.

Depends on maturity of course of your children but it's doable and would be my running away from ridiculous opinions choice!

I would never let anyone dictate to me how to get married. Tell them to stuff their money

To clarify:

You and DH to be are paying?

How about a service with the 25 people. Small wedding breakfast (afternoon tea type thing or a lunch- that will be at normal pub costs). Then possibly at another venue (hire a hall) an evening party. Have a gap in-between.

A party can cost very little. You can ask guests for a contribution in lieu of gifts- I have been to lovely weddings that did this- everyone chose food to pay for or make or selected which alcohol to contribute. If it is in a hall people can bring their own alcohol or you can get wine/beer relatively cheaply from a supermarket. We bought a freezer for under £100 and used it as a chiller.

If you have lovely friends they may well set up the hall whilst you are at the daily only service and tea. If not then you can hire some staff or hir ether hall early and set it up.

We did the intimate ceremony, Grandparents, Parents, Siblings, Partners, Nieces and we had one of my Aunties and DH Aunt, Uncle and Cousin only because the lived over 200 miles away, 25 people at the Wedding and Wedding Breakfast. We are both introverts and really didn't like the thought of having 100+ people watching us. We did have a big party for the night do with all Family and Friends invited. We had one Auntie get funny because we weren't putting a coach on to the night do - and they lived the closest to the venue! Just do what you can afford and what makes you and DP happy it's your day, unfortunately you are nor going to please everyone. Hope all goes well.

It's not up to anyone else. We are eloping to Skye. We are having simple handfasting followed by chippy and that's it. Some people are coming (we live 500miles from Skye so it really is a case of if they can stay cause we have not paid accom for anyone!) My nan can't go but she's ok with it. Not her wedding lol.

I booked all the elements of my wedding this week in 48 hours.
Ceremony in registry office £650
Dinner ,canapés, free bar £2000 est.
Hotel for myself and DP night before and wedding night , £1200 and will probably get a suite upgrade (In our opinion one of the best in London)
Nanny (leaving the trolls at home!) £400
Photos £599
Dress and suit -just wearing something we already have
Invites and thank you cards - £40
Sister in law will make the cake as she trained at Cordon Bleu.
Flowers will just be a little bouquet from local florist and hair and make up will be a blow dry and a swipe of mascara by me haha

This is all in an expensive part of London, we just want to be married so are having a max of 24 guests (no kids either). Can’t wait!!

By the way we scraped photographer. Yes pics are nice but many people never get round to then being up etc. Just going to rely on family. Memories are more important.

My costs so far...

Accom on Skye for 10 days 1650 (this could be MUCH cheaper but was our major splash out!)
Dress £33 monsoon from eBay!
Celebrant 290

It’s your day so please do what you and DP want, not what everyone else thinks you should do.
DH and I got married overseas - with one grandparent there and one at home as wasn’t able to travel. We had 30 people attend and it was fab! Then had a party in a pub for 100 when we got back from honeymoon - put some money behind the bar and had a hog roast and cupcakes! My Gran travelled down down for this. The wedding party wore their outfits again and me my dress too - was great!
Long winded point is that our hooded didn’t match a “traditional” wedding but IMO was so much better because of that. Parents etc will just need to get on board with it. It’s your day - and ultimately, everyone will have a fantastic time as they’ll be celebrating your wedding!! Good luck!