To feel upset at the thought of a wedding

[sailorcherries]

So, after I posted about being upset over not being able to afford the wedding I had originally envisaged myself and OH sat down and decided on an intimate ceremony and meal at a restaurant with a party afterwards, if we could afford that.

However every idea I've had my parents have shot down in one way or another.

1. The original plan - too dear.
2. Go abroad - selfish, how could I do that to my grandparents as they probably won't live to see any other grandchild's wedding.
3. Only parents and siblings - see above.
4. Intimate ceremony and meal only - not good enough, what will people do afterwards?
5. Intimate ceremony and meal followed by a party - why not look elsewhere and see what places have good packages?

It's reached the point where no matter what is suggested I know someone will have something to say about it and now I feel close to tears at the thought of any wedding. Surely it's not supposed to be so upsetting and tiring already? Surely someone is supposed to be happy for you?
It seems like there is no point in a bloody wedding if it's going to cause so much stress and everyone else wants it there way without any regard to what we want?

I can't see any way of planning without someone going on and on.

Why are you comparing your wedding to others? If you are really marrying the man you will love for the rest of your life, why do you give a shiny shite what others are doing? I just felt sorry for anyone that wasn't getting to marry my wonderful man - they were welcome to their pricy dresses, I was getting the man of my dreams and would have married him in a tatty sack.

God, your family sound awful.

Are you totally, totally sure that you want to tailor your day to them? They don't seem to be very nice to you.

At worst, when you say you'd never hear the end of it if you guys did elope, what would happen? What would the fallout be?

TheLumanaires not compairing but when staff room chat is "oh our venue is costing around £10k, what about you" and you reply "weddings are too expensive" it can make you feel a bit sad. More so because I'd love to have that money, not for a wedding but to spend on the house and kids. I'd never spend it on a wedding.

pandarific my mum can be fairl narcissistic and plays the victim whilst drunk.
It would be a fairly long NC followed by regular comnents about how shit we were.

My dad wouldn't mind but my mum is quite crap with percieved slights.

to your parents "we'll let you know when we have decided"

girl in your office tbh sounds like a fool wiht her priorities all wrong if she is letting herself and her folks rack up debt. suckered by the wedding industry...... i don't suppose you would want what she is having

Our wedding cost about 5k. We got married in a local hotel, and then had the party in a village hall. We saved money by doing our own flowers, venue decorating, cakes, invites, favours, evening buffet etc. It was hard work, but really enjoyable.

The key is to decide what is important to you and your fiancé and focus on that. If I was getting married again I’d worry even less about what a wedding is supposed to have and only focus on what we wanted - a party for all of our loved ones, with plenty of good food and drink!

Stop consulting with your family, at least until you’ve got a better idea of what you want. If at all possible stick to a budget that doesn’t require their input, much easier for everyone that way.

I’ve been to a fair few weddings where the debts lasted longer than the marriage - ridiculous.

We spent a few hundred on our wedding and are still very happily married nearly 20 years later.

You’re losing sight of what matters.

Evening given that I want something small I don't think I am.

When talking to your colleagues, keep in mind how miserable debt and family obligations are - it will stop you feeling even slightly jealous of their wedding plans.

Yy to TopoftheB, legal marriage & community hall meal with drinks in a private room of local pub. We spent money on fairly extravagant (for me) wedding. Dh side algae to travel to NI. If that hadn't been the case, I would have had hired a barn from a local farmer,moot some port a loos & had a BBQ

OP

You have to decide what you want to do and where and who you invite - (along with DH)

If you want to elope - do it

If you want a big toast and village hall - do that

Ignore everyone else - they have no say - they'll get an invite and turn up or not -

(Elope - you've got kids - which is far more important than a party)

Maybe stop telling them?

Why on earth do you need their approval for your plans for your special day that is supposed to be about you two and your love for each other?

Weddings really do bring out the worst in people. Fuck that shit.

We had 130 guests (we were old and had acquired lots of friends over the years) for £7,500 and most expensive part was the food and drink (we had a free bar), so reducing the numbers would help get it within your budget. Where we saved money was dress and cake (DM made them), flowers (had pots of growing lavender on tables), bridesmaids dresses (off the peg, bought in sale), jukebox instead of DJ, no favours. We had the reception at a council owned venue, which was lovely but cheap to hire (they made their money from the bar). Loved my wedding

I had a £15,000 wedding. Paid entirely my my parents which meant they pretty much chose it all.

15yrs later we are getting divorced.

A fancy wedding means nothing.

Have a wonderful day.... together

We had:
DH and I stayed in a hotel in Bradford the night before, took cab to registry office next day
Flowers from FIL allotment
No bridesmaids, best man
Best friendmade my dress
About 35 guests
Reception was meal at Italian restaurant owned by friends of PIL. We walked there.SIL took photos throughout day. We had the whole place. Champagne, wine etc was included in the price. Swing band for dancing. It had a courtyard where people could sit outside.
DH and I left early evening for a couple of nights in a country house hotel.

Whole thing cost less than £5000, including rings. We asked for no presents at all. The day was exactly what we wanted. We are teachers too and spent our money on an almost 7 week honeymoon in south west France in the summer.

This is at least your second thread on this topic. Just sit down with DH, work out what you can afford on your budget, and send out invites. End. Of. If people are so unhappy then they don't need to attend. People might grumble for a bit but you don't need to engage in that kind of conversation - "This is what we can afford, this is what we are doing, please be nice or don't comment at all, I'm not talking about it any further." And they will soon get over it anyway. No need for all this angst.

OH and I are doing what we want. Small ceremony and meal and if finances allow a party.
I'm upset at the constant criticism about whatever we have said.

Where are you planning your wedding that £5k will only allow for 9 guests?!

YANBU to be upset with your mum sticking her oar in. This is YOUR wedding, she’s had hers - I would elope and tell them you’re not going to bother now. But then, a wedding was never very important to me (although we had one, £2k for around 25 guests).

Honestly, it's one day. There's no point in spending the equivalent of a deposit on a house just to get married.

Don't feel envious at people spending tens of thousands, it doesn't mean their wedding will be any better than yours.

The best wedding I've ever been to was a tent in a field, the guests brought the food, the bride and groom paid for the campsite and the DJ. And I say that having been pretty pleased with mine, which cost in the region of 5k.

You can spend a lot on a very bog standard day which doesn't reflect the personalities or interests of the people getting married. Most of the weddings I have been to have been completely interchangeable with the only difference being the wedding 'colours' and the venue. Everyone in their nicest clothes, bride in white, ushers in matching suits and buttonholes, ceremony, drinks, endless photos, food, speeches, a disco, more food, more drinks etc etc

If you're restricted on budget, why not throw out everything that's traditionally wedding-y and really think hard about what would best represent the two of you? I bet you could come up with something great.

Diana my list is 9 long. OHs is about 12 (more grandparents and siblings). Plus us and our kids it's about 25. Then a meal for 25 and party for 130, photographer, music etc.

Intimate ceremony and meal only - not good enough, what will people do afterwards?

Go home sober-ish at a reasonable time.

Elope. Secret deal at a registry office.

Whatever you do, someone will be offended or annoyed.

That's what happens with weddings.

Let it happen - it's their problem. Get on with planning the wedding that you can afford and that will make you happy.

Stop trying to tailor your day to suit everyone

I’d do 4. Book a late ceremony- 4pm, have the people who matter the most come to a lovely slap up meal in a restaurant then go to a bar after.

I’ve booked my wedding for 3pm because I’m antisocial and we have to be out of the venue relatively early but it’s enough to satisfy the older relatives and we are going to go clubbing afterwards 😂

Oh apologies I must have misread.

Do your guests. Have a nice meal. Don’t bother with the party.

Tell them to do one. It’s your wedding. Besides it’s about the marriage not the wedding.