To think he will never be happy

[peppermintcandy88]

My husband took a job a few years ago which doubled his wages and gave him more of a managerial role. This was discussed with me and I agreed once I could go part time in my job which he agreed to as long as I do majority around the house.
He leaves the house at 7 and comes home at 7 then has to do work usually from home. I'm on maternity leave now but I'm due to go back to work part time in a few weeks. Apparently he thinks he shouldn't have to do anything when he gets home as he works. I do the majority I cook dinner and make his packed lunch for him, I never ask him to do anything in the evening he chooses to throw a wash on in the machine or vacuum/mop as crumbs drive him nuts whereas I've learnt to live with crumbs to an extent due to having ds and his friends over and even then the Dyson is handy to run around with. The only thing I ask him to do is iron his 5 work shirts which he will do over the weekend. Il do all the cooking and deep cleaning as well as the shopping and organizing. Last week he announced he was getting a pay rise and a share in the company's profits which was great so we went a booked a big holiday for this summer something he agreed to and didn't object to but now it's my fault for booking this holiday based on what I thought we could afford and I should have booked somewhere cheaper. He's just after having a major go at me saying how he's going to be dead in a few years if he keeps going the way he is and he wants to leave his job and get something lower paid less stress or be a stay at home dad whilst I go back full time. He has never said anything like this to me before and he knew I was doing our yearly budget for the year based on his salary and he never once said I'm thinking of leaving the company so maybe lower our outgoings or start thinking our tightening the belt a little. I don't have any major qualifications but I've been in my job 11 years and earn ok money but again no where near what he earns now. If he didn't have us (his family) he'd have to still come home and cook and clean and wash clothes. He thinks I'm being unreasonable for not letting him jump jobs overnight whereas Im worried about the shortfall of income and how we will manage.

It’s not that he has to suck it up, it’s that he’s his own problem but he is blaming his hard working wife who already does everything for him, who works part time, who discusses holidays before booking them and still cops flak from him, who hoovers daily and it’s not enough. My dh and I both work those hours. I am pregnant and dh is doing more than I am. For the record, I consider ironing your own shirts on a par with getting yourself dressed, something I expect my husband to (and my children when they are teenagers). OP, do NOT hoover twice a day! Talk to him and tell him something has to change, suggest he take a few days sick leave and think. Make it clear you didn’t make him take this promotion and you’re not the bad guy.

Talk to him and tell him something has to change,

Change involves listening to him too. It isn't a one way street.

If he really isn't coping then unless you want him to become very ill then he may have to change to less stressful job which would mean less money.

A conversation is needed when you have both calmed down - it sounds like you are both stressed and not listening to each other which is totally understandable but not very productive. When my husband changed shifts my first thought was how it was going to affect me because he didn't; all he was thinking of was the pay rise and career progression. We talked and worked it out - not an easy conversation but it had to be done.

It strikes me you are not only doing all the housework and childcare but planning holidays and doing the household budget with no input. I can understand that with all the stress from his job he might not have the energy to do it but if he leaves it all to you and criticises you after the fact it's only going to cause tension and resentment.

If he really needs to change his job for his wellbeing and it's not just a knee jerk reaction to increased pressure, you will have budget together. He can't unilaterally dump his job and expect you to pick up the pieces.

I would sit down and look realistically at where you would be financially if he leaves his job. I would then look at downsizing the house, perhaps changing the cars for cheaper models, cancel the holiday. Make sure he considers all the knock on effects of the change to your financial status and if you both agree go for it. Its not just his job he is proposing to change, it will be your entire lifestyle as you know it.

My DH goes out the door at 7.30 and comes home at 6, commute is only 10min, he earns well, in a managerial position. We agreed I’d stay at home looking after the babies and manage the house. He doesn’t necessarily like his job but he would do it for a few more years till we have enough to retire early comfortably. I don’t mind downgrading our lifestyle or not going on holidays. I don’t pressure him to iron his shirts (our cleaner does them). The only thing he helps with when he continue home is looking after the babies so I can go lie down for a half an hour or take a bath. He enjoys playing with them so no issues there.
He never berates me for spending money in fact he often says I don’t spend enough on myself. I guess I just don’t go to spa and pedicures enough. He thinks I can outsource childcare but I very much like to look after my own children. He thinks I should buy more clothes and shoes etc but I do not have that much interest in them.
I have free use of the money but I don’t use it the way he thinks I could. His salary is about US$500,000 (i think?) pa taxfree plus benefits such as housing, car, school fees, annual trips back home on business class for the whole family. But I’d have my children wear hands me down (nothing wrong with that) and myself I’m not a shiny trophy wife but wear tshirt and sweat pants with flip flops all year round. Maybe because he knows I don’t put great value on money so he doesn’t feel pressured to work so hard? I don’t know.
I have a small fortune myself, and a supportive family so if anything happens I think he’s relieved I can take care of the children myself.

He's tired, stressed, you are pregnant? Cut him some slack. Men are people too.

Vanessatiger it's great you're happy, but how on earth is your story of a totally different relationship, with a supportive husband, cleaner, no job and tons of money ($500k pa tax free plus a 'small fortune' of your own?!?) in any way helpful to OP?

Me & DH have been in your position too, op. He was out of the house for 12hours a day and working away regularly. It was certainly not something I wanted and made life much harder for me as I wasn't ever getting more than 4 hours sleep a night with a BF baby and a toddler with sleep problems. It was utterly shit and out of my control.

DH has recently had a breakdown and left his job (DCs are 4 & 6 now). I ignored my initial panic and offered him the only solution i could, which was suggesting we sell the house and live off the (fairly small) equity alongside my FT wage in rented accomodation. He was so relieved at having this back up plan. It's only been a couple of weeks he hasn't been working, but I think it will all be fine and we shouldn't need to sell the house, DH is looking at a less senior role & will ask for a 4 day week. It will be much better for both of us.

Do you have holiday insurance in case he goes off sick? Can you cancel the holiday?

I'm a bit surprised that the hours worked by the OP's DH are described as "punishing": 7am - 7pm and then working at home in the evenings. I think my DH did this and weekends too before he retired. Isn't that quite common in a professional job where you have reached quite a high level of responsibility? Your work is your work and no-one else is going to do it - you just keep going until it's done.

It may be common, but it doesn't mean it is either desirable or sustainable. Some people like to actually not work themselves into the ground, have a relationship with family members, take some exercise, eat properly and take care of their health.

Some people are very driven and genuinely enjoy the buzz of very long hours. I don't and as a result it's the main factor that's holding me back from applying for the next level.

Also some people are very driven by how much they can earn even if its not strictly needed. Now DS is older I increasd my hours and responsibility, but still do a 4 day weeek as it gives me some slack to cover th school holidays, and frankly I prefer it as it gives me the right work life balance. I suggested to DH that he go to 4 days a week too - we could afford it - but he doesnt want to as prefers to earn more so he can retire quicker, whereas Id be happy to work for longer as I quite enjoy the sociability aspect of it.

I suspect whats happened here is that OPs DH did not realise the level of work expected at the more senior grade and is now panicking. They absolutely need to talk about it, but blaming the OP for booking an agreed holiday and making knee jerk suggestions about their set up is not the way to go about it.

My partner works hours like yours, we have a 4 month old son so I do all the night feeds and look after him all day, I cook, I clean, I wash his clothes, make his lunch. I only think it's fair because he works so hard to make money for us to have a nice life and a nice house, I'm a hairdresser so I work from home to make money aswell which I tend to use for our treats such as meals out or day trips. I think it's only fair you do most around the house As he provides the income and has a stressful job.

Yes he works long hours. But the issue seems to be that he's not happy with the OP's standards of housekeeping, the crumbs on the floor. I remember having very young children; keeping a spotless house was impossible.

And he chooses to iron his own shirts because he doesn't like the way she does it. As long as he looks smart for work, what's the issue?

You both have to sit down and talk about the situation, if he really wants to leave his job perhaps a compromise could be found, you could work full time and he could find a part time job.
He is working long hours and is probably exhausted.

Vanessatiger- it's great you have such a wonderful life in every way. Did you just post on here to brag about it ?
In what way was your post helpful to OP and her situation. ? I'm sure she feels great now.

Vanessatiger-what a helpful post.

I have a small fortune myself . Course you have, dear...

That was about as helpful as the poster on the 'good wage' thread who thinks £7K a month is a reasonable income!

Vanessa ha ha how funny.
He often says I don't spend enough on myself. I guess I don't go to spas and pedicures enough

You really should make more of an effort to spend all that money, shame on you.

Vanessa what's your point?

Every one else has given you good advice already OP on the fundamental issues so just on one light hearted point, would a gift of a Roomba at least stop your DH being irritated by crumbs when he comes home while avoiding you having to Hoover multiple times a day?

To OP, just tell him you’d downsize and go without so he doesn’t need to stress. Maybe that way he’ll feel relieved and less stressed.

But that's my point catwoozle - it isn't "working yourself into the ground." It's quite normal to work such hours once you've achieved a certain level of responsibility.

This is only anecdotal - I don't have statistical evidence - but I have observed that the people who burn the candle at both ends tend to live longer, not shorter lives. My Dad had 2 careers, as a doctor and an actor, and then in retirement did a degree in archaeology and many other things besides, always on the go 18 hours a day. He will be 92 in March and still lives independently.