To think he will never be happy

[peppermintcandy88]

My husband took a job a few years ago which doubled his wages and gave him more of a managerial role. This was discussed with me and I agreed once I could go part time in my job which he agreed to as long as I do majority around the house.
He leaves the house at 7 and comes home at 7 then has to do work usually from home. I'm on maternity leave now but I'm due to go back to work part time in a few weeks. Apparently he thinks he shouldn't have to do anything when he gets home as he works. I do the majority I cook dinner and make his packed lunch for him, I never ask him to do anything in the evening he chooses to throw a wash on in the machine or vacuum/mop as crumbs drive him nuts whereas I've learnt to live with crumbs to an extent due to having ds and his friends over and even then the Dyson is handy to run around with. The only thing I ask him to do is iron his 5 work shirts which he will do over the weekend. Il do all the cooking and deep cleaning as well as the shopping and organizing. Last week he announced he was getting a pay rise and a share in the company's profits which was great so we went a booked a big holiday for this summer something he agreed to and didn't object to but now it's my fault for booking this holiday based on what I thought we could afford and I should have booked somewhere cheaper. He's just after having a major go at me saying how he's going to be dead in a few years if he keeps going the way he is and he wants to leave his job and get something lower paid less stress or be a stay at home dad whilst I go back full time. He has never said anything like this to me before and he knew I was doing our yearly budget for the year based on his salary and he never once said I'm thinking of leaving the company so maybe lower our outgoings or start thinking our tightening the belt a little. I don't have any major qualifications but I've been in my job 11 years and earn ok money but again no where near what he earns now. If he didn't have us (his family) he'd have to still come home and cook and clean and wash clothes. He thinks I'm being unreasonable for not letting him jump jobs overnight whereas Im worried about the shortfall of income and how we will manage.

Could you do your hoovering once the kids have eaten? That way no crumbs when he comes home. I have to admit I wouldn’t like kids food on the floor either. Thankfully we have dogs so this is never a problem
My husband works worse hours and I do everything Monday to Friday including all washing and ironing and happy to do it as it means during the evenings we get time to relax together and have a bit of quality time together. On Friday when he gets home everything is immaculate. Over the weekend unless people are coming over our standards slip a bit but not ridiculously then on Monday I have a good clean up so it is back to how we both like it. We both respect each other for working really hard and make it work for each other.

Did I read that right op that you will go back full time as well and be away a few nights every two weeks?

Your attitude would fuck me right off OP.

I'm from the train of thought that if you're the one at home all day then you do the housework. The one at work is bringing home the bacon.

Wow. You are completely ignoring your dh’s begging pleas for you to please understand the stress he is under. You refuse to acknowledge or address all the pp’s questions and observations about your dh’s stress. He has even resorted to bleakly telling you he will be dead if he keeps going at this rate. That should be a major wake up call for you to listen to him. You booking an extremely expensive 2 week vacation essentially using up all the extra money he’s earned working 12 hour days with a lot of responsibility and stress has understandably ticked him off.

In addition, you are obsessed with the hoovering and his ironing of his five shirts, good grief get off that subject, I got sick of reading your posts constantly obsessing on the hoovering and ironing shirts etc, I can imagine how your dh feels. yes you have plenty to do too, but it sounds like he is at the end of his rope and you are tying a knot in it for him to slip his neck through. Awful! Cancel the holiday and put that money in savings! Let him know you are sorry and that you’ve put that money in savings and that you are willing to listen to his troubles. Hopefully you both can vent to each other and relieve some of the stress you’re both feeling. Try to see it from his perspective op as well as yours.

OP it sounds as if he is really struggling with his workload - not surprisingly - and trying to warn you that this level of income may not continue, because he may not be able to endure this pressure much longer. Meanwhile you're booking expensive holidays. I know he initially agreed to it, but it sounds like he's panicking and thinking he may not be in that job when the summer comes. You need to talk to him and actually listen to what he says.

Tbf, the OP is on maternity leave, so presumably has a baby to care for. And she does do the majority of the housework.

None of that matters though, because this isn't about who does the hoovering or who irons the shirts. It's about the OP's DH telling her that he cannot continue to carry the amount of stress that he is currently carrying. The OP needs to understand that and work with her DH to find a solution. The hoovering is neither here nor there.

Why has he been bottling this all up? There are lots of options between working 12 hours a day and being a SAHP. I would encourage him to look for something lower stress/shorter hours (but still full time) for now and then you can talk about switching roles. Can you cancel the holiday?

Sounds like you both need to do a big chunk of reprioritising together, but he'll also need to recognise that if you go back to work ft then he'll need to do more around the house, too.

I think he's probably acting out as he's so stressed and perhaps it's all come out at once with the pressure of having to pay for the holiday as the catalyst - havign a share in the company is great money wise but puts you under a lot of pressure too, I suspect. A bit of calm, apologies all round and booking a time to have a proper talk is probably what's needed here.

The holiday is a bugger, but given that you've got a lot of financial controls in place and I suspect a decent chunk of money coming in, you can probably find ohter ways to start a savings cushion for him dropping down a gear and still take the hol.

One way to do this would be to say 'ok, then I'm going to talk to work about going back full time on X date, and let's say you'll carry on in this job for another 5 months or whatever after that, then you'll look to move to Y type of job when we'll have £Z savings cushion. A date in mind will make it all much easier for him to bear whilst you save some money.

Also, if he's only just got the promotion, then staying put for a year is a good idea CV wise. Not essential, but it would give out less of a 'it was too much stress so i jumped ship straight away' vibe.

My issue is he wants to leave his job and either take a less paid job

That is not an unreasonable request at all. He sounds very stressed-probably on the edge of a breakdown. I would tell him to start looking for lower-stress lower-paid roles.

How’s supportive are you being-it sounds like a real cry for help?

Definitely cancel the holiday. It's a bit telling that the first thing you did when he told you of his pay rise was to update your yearly budget...

Also, is it possible that he can find a way to work less in the same role? Sometimes we can't see the wood for the trees when it comes to cutting down time spent at work - when you're stressed it all seems too urgent, too important, too everything, and there's no way you can see to prioritise/delegate etc.

It may well not be possible but you could suggest talking that through with him to help him ease some of the stress - but I would frame this very carefully as 'would this be helpful to you in the short term if you want to use me as a sounding board' not 'you must work fewer hours right now'. Definitely a separate conversation from the one about how to move to a less stressful role completely.

"None of that matters though, because this isn't about who does the hoovering or who irons the shirts. It's about the OP's DH telling her that he cannot continue to carry the amount of stress that he is currently carrying. The OP needs to understand that and work with her DH to find a solution. The hoovering is neither here nor there."

This is exactly right.

Though bear in mind that if you hoover after breakfast, then the kids drop food at tea and he gets in after that, as far as he is concerned the floor is always dirty. And if he is someone who finds mess hard to live with (I am) and life is otherwise stressful for him, that is the sort of niggle that can feel like the last straw.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable for not letting him jump jobs overnight whereas Im worried about the shortfall of income and how we will manage.

You'll have to manage anyway after the heart attack.

Honestly , OP. I have done jobs like this. They almost killed me and I didn't have the pressure of letting a family down to contend with. From your description this sounds like a man at the very end of his tether. He is telling you, in no uncertain terms, he CANNOT keep doing this job. Whether you think you need the money or not, you need to listen to him. You really do It's not fair to take the higher salary at the expense of his health and sanity.

That doesn't mean he can stay at home too but surely there is a middle ground here? He doubled his salary a few years back and just had it raised again. If you coped on the lower salary, you'll cope again.

It might be that with different support at home (i.e. taking away the idea that you need/expect him to stay in this job) he copes better at work, anyway.

p.s. assuming he is in the higher tax bracket, if you did without £4500 holidays he could already afford to earn almost £10k a year less (before tax) without there being a 'shortfall'.

Pay for the holiday using the lowest interest credit card you can find, and sit down with your DH and TALK about the best way forward for you all. He sounds terribly stressed and unhappy, and working 12 hour days with more work in the evening is no way to live. Quality of life is important and he doesn't seem to have a good work/life balance.

7-7
How much of that is commute
Op already says she works too.
So he doesn't like his job, but he just took a better position with a pay rise ?

He doesn't like crumbs(?!) so he hoovers everyday when he gets in. Up to him...

Doesn't want his shirts sent out (waste of money) up to him...

seems like he's being a bit of a drama queen. im out of the house 7.30 -7 everyday
I work on weekends and some evenings, never ever have out of office on. Always contactable. That's just what you do when you earn an ok amount.

Tell you what, give him your maternity cover and see how much he likes less money and doing everything. Maybe after a bit he can get a part time job and do everything as well.

The holiday was 4,500 all inclusive for two weeks for a family of four in summer. This also includes spending money.

OK so that's really not a massive amount for a family holiday so I'm surprised by his reaction given it sounds like the budgeting is done well.

I think he's just feeling the pressure. If you do go back to work full time then he will simply need to do more at home. It's all about balance. Do talk to him and perhaps encourage him to talk to someone neutral about his work worries/stress. May be a bit of mid-life crisis.

I'd never expect a woman to run herself into an early grave with housework and childcare, and I wouldn't expect a man to do it with his job either.

I'm a bit that £4500 isn't a massive amount. I think its a lot. I earn over £50k a year (admittedly not much over) - we went away last year all inclusive for just under £1800, 3 adults and 1 child.

So to me £4500 is masses. I can't imagine spending more than a months salary on a holiday.

£4,500 for a holiday not a massive amount? Different universe.

I'm a bit surprised that the hours worked by the OP's DH are described as "punishing": 7am - 7pm and then working at home in the evenings. I think my DH did this and weekends too before he retired. Isn't that quite common in a professional job where you have reached quite a high level of responsibility? Your work is your work and no-one else is going to do it - you just keep going until it's done.

Did you book the holiday without discussing it? That would have been a bad idea - even if it was a much cheaper one. (Seems expensive to me - but we tend to camp.)

It does sound as if it is time to do some talking - about how he feels about his job - how you feel about yours - and priorities for the next 10 years.

It sounds like he's going through a stressful period at work, but that doesn't really give him permission to take it out on you.

It also sounds as if he has perfectionist tendencies - your ironing of the shirts not being good enough, and the extra hoovering.

I'm a little surprised that some people are saying that the answer is for you to do more hoovering just before he comes in - perhaps you could change your outfit and put a little lipstick and a gay smile on for him - seeing as we appear to have moved back to the 50s.

I would try to have a neutral conversation with him and ask him what the real issue is. If he is genuinely stressed at work, then yes perhaps he does need to look at other options. Personally on the holiday I'd call his bluff - look up how much you'd get back if you cancelled now and tell him if he wants, it can be called off.

I agree your dh sounds stressed to the max and as though he can't relax when he does get home. Running round with the hoover when he gets in is absurd . He needs to find ways to unwind.

He may well be blowing off steam and being quite glib with his comments. It has to be an option that he can take a less well paid/less demanding job in the future though. That doesn't mean you would have to go full time and he doesn't work at all.

That said, it's unfair of him to come home and take the stress of his day out on you. Stressing about a holiday he has agreed to, nit picking about your housework and ironing and hoovering in a passive aggressive way!

As an aside, he must be earning decent money. Paying for ironing to be done professionally each week sounds sensible to me.

I am not sure i am reading the same thread - I see it as he wanted to go for a promotion so in order to facilitate that the OP went part time (presumably because child care and housework needed her too). She does everything apart from those tasks he feels that she does not do well (ironing etc) because he wants to live in a perfect house.

He came home said he had a payrise and together they went and booked a holiday and now he is panicking.

It sounds like he is putting too much pressure on HIMSELF.

She can go back full time but would not earn enough and would he if he was a SAHD be prepared to support her and take the hit. Everyone seems to be suggesting she should be ok with it and everyone around him make the sacrifice because HE is having a breakdown about it.

The OP is right - he cant make a decision without talking to her and figuring it out - because the solution cannot and should not be he passes all of his stress onto the OP who already carries the house, the childcare whilst working Part time. Because to me it reads as him being selfish as well