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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he will never be happy

122 replies

peppermintcandy88 · 13/01/2018 13:32

My husband took a job a few years ago which doubled his wages and gave him more of a managerial role. This was discussed with me and I agreed once I could go part time in my job which he agreed to as long as I do majority around the house.
He leaves the house at 7 and comes home at 7 then has to do work usually from home. I'm on maternity leave now but I'm due to go back to work part time in a few weeks. Apparently he thinks he shouldn't have to do anything when he gets home as he works. I do the majority I cook dinner and make his packed lunch for him, I never ask him to do anything in the evening he chooses to throw a wash on in the machine or vacuum/mop as crumbs drive him nuts whereas I've learnt to live with crumbs to an extent due to having ds and his friends over and even then the Dyson is handy to run around with. The only thing I ask him to do is iron his 5 work shirts which he will do over the weekend. Il do all the cooking and deep cleaning as well as the shopping and organizing. Last week he announced he was getting a pay rise and a share in the company's profits which was great so we went a booked a big holiday for this summer something he agreed to and didn't object to but now it's my fault for booking this holiday based on what I thought we could afford and I should have booked somewhere cheaper. He's just after having a major go at me saying how he's going to be dead in a few years if he keeps going the way he is and he wants to leave his job and get something lower paid less stress or be a stay at home dad whilst I go back full time. He has never said anything like this to me before and he knew I was doing our yearly budget for the year based on his salary and he never once said I'm thinking of leaving the company so maybe lower our outgoings or start thinking our tightening the belt a little. I don't have any major qualifications but I've been in my job 11 years and earn ok money but again no where near what he earns now. If he didn't have us (his family) he'd have to still come home and cook and clean and wash clothes. He thinks I'm being unreasonable for not letting him jump jobs overnight whereas Im worried about the shortfall of income and how we will manage.

OP posts:

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 13/01/2018 15:12

Actually I agree that the hours worked aren't that unusual or punishing. My dh leaves at 6am and won't get home until after 6pm.
I suppose the mental stress and demands of the job are the problem.

BishBoshBashBop · 13/01/2018 15:14

Personally on the holiday I'd call his bluff - look up how much you'd get back if you cancelled now and tell him if he wants, it can be called off.

Yeah exactly the way to deal with some one is already it seems stressed to the max

Best way would have been for OP to discuss the cost with him before unilaterally booking it.

rookiemere · 13/01/2018 15:18

But they did discuss the holiday BishBoshBashBop and agreed it should be booked.
I agree though that they didn't discuss an amount. So therefore if he's genuinely worried about the cost of things, then cancelling it is a valid option. They may only lose a small deposit at this stage.

Lashalicious · 13/01/2018 15:18

Cancel the holiday! Put that money in savings and give your dh a tiny bit of peace of mind during this stressful time in his life. Read your post back to yourself op. As soon as he told you he was getting a pay raise, you immediately booked a very expensive 2 week holiday. On top of his telling you bleakly that he would not live much longer under the stress of working and finances.

You asked the wrong question in your AIBU. He is begging you to listen to him, how do you not see that? Going on and on about the hoovering etc. when he drops dead, you won’t be thinking about the hoovering or holidays, I guarantee it. You think the finances are too tight for your tastes now, wait til it’s gone completely. You need to change yourself not him! Cancel the holiday and let him have peace of mind and stop moaning and start listening.

You both have stresses, but he is at the end of his rope and you go book a huge expensive holiday. You have no self awareness!

RJnomore1 · 13/01/2018 15:19

The holiday is a one off event and not a huge amount.

How long will it take to pay it off op?

I think you are seriously risking his health here.

BishBoshBashBop · 13/01/2018 15:21

But they did discuss the holiday BishBoshBashBop and agreed it should be booked.

Agree a holiday. OP doesn't say location and cost was agreed between them it was booked on what OP assumed they can afford.

He sounds extremely stressed and imo something has to give.

They need to have a discussion, including OP working full time.

rookiemere · 13/01/2018 15:22

Jeez - how's the OP risking his health here? By not having the house fully hoovered at every point in the day, or by personally ironing his shirts? Or perhaps by booking an agreed to holiday.

She didn't tell him to go for the promotion - he chose to do that, just as they agreed together that she would work p/t when he went for his previous promotion.

He sounds stressed - yes I agree. But this is the first the OP heard of it. The week before he was elated and happy with his rise in fortunes. I suspect reality has sunk in and the company wants their pound of flesh for the extra income - which he really should have figured out before he took it.

BishBoshBashBop · 13/01/2018 15:25

So you think he should just carry on then until he has a heart attack or becomes very ill?

He can't carry on as he is. That's the bottom line.

derangedmermaid · 13/01/2018 15:28

Jeez - how's the OP risking his health here?

Because her partner is working 12+ hour days, has said he's literally killing himself to partner, wants to change from the job that's making him incredibly unhappy...

And all OP cares about are five fucking shirts and "the dyson".
Oh, and the expensive holiday...

It would be funny we're this not the scenario of a fucking suicide PSA.

Quartz2208 · 13/01/2018 15:29

She doesnt go on about the hoovering - he cant bear there to be any crumbs.

Yes perhaps the bottom line is he cant carry on - but neither can he just remove himself from all responsibility and pass it to her to carry. And to be fair he may just be having a passing moment given his new pay rise - you dont go from being happy to so stressed you are about to have a heart attack in a week

rookiemere · 13/01/2018 15:30

I'm not saying he should carry onBBBB - ( hope you don't mind if I shorten your name ),I'm just saying this is the first time he has mentioned the pressure. Sounds to me like it's new job nerves rather than anything else. Of course I could be totally wrong, but having a calm conversation about it, and perhaps agreeing a time limit before making any radical changes seems a bit more sensible than making knee jerk decisions.

phoenix1973 · 13/01/2018 15:32

I expect the same thing to happen in my home and accept i will have to return to ft in future. I know my oh cant keep on like he is forever.
I also know that he may struggle to find a worthwhile pt job and would do zilch at home except x box.
I also know ft admin will never meet his salary.
So worst case scenario we'd need to downsize. I accept that if it means a happier partner. Obviously I'd also work ft but due to lower income i couldnt meet mortgage payments here.

RJnomore1 · 13/01/2018 15:35

She's risking his health because he told her the job is killing him and he wants out and her immediate concern is their standard of living and her not having to shoulder more if the financial burden because it would mean being away from home more.

How can anyone not see that?

And perhaps he hasn't said anything before because he's been doing that quite male approach of thinking he SHOULD be able to handle it but it sounds like he is at breaking point.

Personally if my dh was telling me what hers is I'd be doing everything I could to reduce the burden on him and cut outgoings to let him get out ASAP.

The hoovering is a bit of a red herring.

WitchesHatRim · 13/01/2018 15:36

And perhaps he hasn't said anything before because he's been doing that quite male approach of thinking he SHOULD be able to handle it but it sounds like he is at breaking point.

True.

Brokenbiscuit · 13/01/2018 15:38

im out of the house 7.30 -7 everyday
I work on weekends and some evenings, never ever have out of office on. Always contactable. That's just what you do when you earn an ok amount.

Not in my world. It isn't necessary at all to work all hours to earn an "ok" salary.

WitchesHatRim · 13/01/2018 15:41

im out of the house 7.30 -7 everyday
I work on weekends and some evenings, never ever have out of office on. Always contactable. That's just what you do when you earn an ok amount

No it really isn't. It varies from job to job, person to person and what an ok amount is.

Flyingprettycretonnecurtains · 13/01/2018 15:46

He was happy with the promotion. What has happened in actuality is that his job has now dumped a pile of shit on him to sort out and it is probably the size of mount Everest snd he is in panic mode. He's looked at what needs to be done and mentally feels inadequate so wants to run. You need to talk to him. If the holiday can be cancelled then do so, although it sounds like you've made provision for it and it will give him something to look forward to. I am aching for my holiday in May - one of the few things keeping me going atm.

derangedmermaid · 13/01/2018 15:47

And to add and make it fair when I was working 16 hour shifts with the odd 35 hour, if I had come back to a house I Had to clean I would have gone apoplectic.

I was single though. So the house was always clean.

Huntinginthedark · 13/01/2018 15:57

Look he chose to take the new job and payrise
He chooses to hoover crumbs everyday!!??? Which is just mad. When someone else is also hoovering every day

Fine, he's stressed. Tell him to refuse the new job. He won't though
And I would expect him to be on at least 80k
But that's what an 80k + job expects from you

But all I was saying, is if he becomes a sahp how do you think he will cope with doing everything
Aside from not ironing your shirts

Greyponcho · 13/01/2018 16:01

Aside from the suggestions above about having a calm and frank conversation about things, perhaps things would be less stressful to earn, save and then plan on spending the money rather than making expensive plans with the pressure to work hard between now and then in order to afford it. Where’s the breathing space in that? Doesn’t give him much scope to say “well I’ve trialled the new role/responsibility for two months but I prefer the previous one so I’ll resume the lower paid one” because there’s the pressure to pay for the holiday. That’s not healthy for anyone involved.

Huntinginthedark · 13/01/2018 16:04

I don't know many places where you can just go back to a less stressful lower paid role. Not at high levels
You're either in or your out.

And I agree 4500 all inc. all spending for a family for 2 weeks is not crazy IF you earn a reasonable amount
I would imagine that is a months wages for them

rookiemere · 13/01/2018 16:18

It would be rare to have a job where you can go back to your lower grade. I chose to do this when DS was young as I had some health issues and struggled to do everything. It was viewed as a very odd decision by all. It might be possible for the OPs DH - who knows?

I dont deny he sounds stressed, but it does seem self generated.OP didnt make him apply for recent promotion. It just seems a bit bizarre that a week after this hes suddenly so worked up about things. If he was genuinely bottling things up and at crisis point - why accept additional responsibility? It does sound like he doesnt have to do a huge amount at home, but chooses to.

Yes calm chat is needed, but dont get all this piling in on the OP.

WitchesHatRim · 13/01/2018 16:40

And I would expect him to be on at least 80k

Not necessarily by any means.

norfolkenclue · 13/01/2018 16:48

Another here agreeing that the hours worked aren't that gruelling tbh. Primary teacher here, with additional responsibilities (ks2 Lead/SENDCO/English Lead) in school in special measures! Single Mum with two under 5s and working 70+ hours a week earning 28k. I'm absolutely sure I'll NEVER be in a position to afford a 4500k holiday, or considering sending out my Ironing, as every single penny I earn is spoken for for the next 100 years 😢

I read these things and wonder about priorities of different folks...it's quite an eye opener sometimes.

BrendaUmbrella · 13/01/2018 16:53

Instead of panicking look at your options. The sensible thing would be for him to hang in there until the holiday is paid off, but if he doesn't love his job 7-7 is quite a long time commitment, and if you can change to full time and he can get something less stressful, it might make for a happier family?

It sounds like he's keener on the domestic stuff anyway. I wouldn't come home from work and get the vac out! Take him seriously. It might make a nice change - you can take his role and mainly focus on your job, he can worry about the house, the kids, the to-do lists and the budget!

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