To think he will never be happy

[peppermintcandy88]

My husband took a job a few years ago which doubled his wages and gave him more of a managerial role. This was discussed with me and I agreed once I could go part time in my job which he agreed to as long as I do majority around the house.
He leaves the house at 7 and comes home at 7 then has to do work usually from home. I'm on maternity leave now but I'm due to go back to work part time in a few weeks. Apparently he thinks he shouldn't have to do anything when he gets home as he works. I do the majority I cook dinner and make his packed lunch for him, I never ask him to do anything in the evening he chooses to throw a wash on in the machine or vacuum/mop as crumbs drive him nuts whereas I've learnt to live with crumbs to an extent due to having ds and his friends over and even then the Dyson is handy to run around with. The only thing I ask him to do is iron his 5 work shirts which he will do over the weekend. Il do all the cooking and deep cleaning as well as the shopping and organizing. Last week he announced he was getting a pay rise and a share in the company's profits which was great so we went a booked a big holiday for this summer something he agreed to and didn't object to but now it's my fault for booking this holiday based on what I thought we could afford and I should have booked somewhere cheaper. He's just after having a major go at me saying how he's going to be dead in a few years if he keeps going the way he is and he wants to leave his job and get something lower paid less stress or be a stay at home dad whilst I go back full time. He has never said anything like this to me before and he knew I was doing our yearly budget for the year based on his salary and he never once said I'm thinking of leaving the company so maybe lower our outgoings or start thinking our tightening the belt a little. I don't have any major qualifications but I've been in my job 11 years and earn ok money but again no where near what he earns now. If he didn't have us (his family) he'd have to still come home and cook and clean and wash clothes. He thinks I'm being unreasonable for not letting him jump jobs overnight whereas Im worried about the shortfall of income and how we will manage.

Actually I've changed my mind on the time too - my old Saturday job used to have me out of the house from 7-7 and I got paid peanuts for that.

The Op's DH's hours are not unusual in this day and age.( Until my recent retirement i was leaving at 6am and home at the earliest at 7pm)
If the OP is working part time however it is not unreasonable to expect her to do the majority of the housework, and while she is on maternity leave probably all of it.
It sounds that there is more to this "eruption" of her DH than meets the eye and it is surely down to the stress of the new role.
Lets face it we all "have a go" at those nearest to us when we are in a "mood" the secret is recognising that you are doing this/ having it done to you.
If "crumbs" are one of the things that really wind him up, it really wouldn't hurt the OP to try and deal with them, its often those little things that tip you over the edge after a hard day.

When you are both calm have a good talk about it all.

Norfolk to be fair I don't think you can compare teachers Work lives with this. That is NOT to take away from the incredibly hard work and ridiculous hours that you mostly all do. I am in awe of teachers and their work load - BUT you do get the long and frequent holidays. Which I got one believe you need - just to be able to keep doing the job.
OPs husband is doing your hours without that recharge time. I think it's a huge cry for help that the OP is not very keen to acknowledge.
I think she has a sort of lifestyle in mind that requires a different sort of person to the one she's married to.

My personal advice is that the burden of responsibility should fall equally on both adults. Just because he's a man it shouldn't all be up to him . I would sit down and have a serious reassessment of your lives. It sounds like he needs a much more low key kinda set up. Look at relocating to more laid back cheaper area. Reducing mortgage. Cancel £4500 holiday and do bucket and spade euro camp type thing. BOTH work part time. BOTH care for the children and BOTH hoover the bloody carpets.!
You need to get off the treadmill before he has a heart attack otherwise you'll be a single mother working full time with all the money going on childcare and not enough spare for a caravan in Bognor out of season.
Now THAT is stress that you don't want to even think about.

It sounds like your husband is struggling a bit with the demands of being in that higher position. Could he take a step back down? I'm assuming that would still leave you all in a comfortable position money wise but also make your husband less stressed with a bit less hours to do.

My husband does similar. He's out the house at 6am and back around 7pm, including the 40 minute walk there and back, and that's often 6 days a week. Then he's often got paperwork etc to do at home. I can't imagine how exhausting it must be, but the difference is my husband loves it and is hoping to take another step up this year. However if he ever came to me and said what your husband has, we'd absolutely have to sit down and discuss how serious he is. Work out the best way around it. A new job or a step down in the same company? Just a few less hours or part time hours? Would you have to find a better paid job? Talk about it when you're both a bit calmer, don't just go into a blind panic.

You need to step back and consider your husband’s mental and physical health. Is that more important than a family holiday or the lifestyle you want for yourself?

I think if you are not at work at all then you should do everything.

I agree

You need to talk about his stress. Hoovering once a day is plenty and I’d want a divorce if my hisband thought it wasn’t. My dh works out of the house 12 hours a day + extra( as do I ) and does Nursery pick up and dinner bath and bed for our ds, plus much more, so that In itself feels isn’t a sign the op is either being mean and selfish or expecting too much. 4500 for 2 weeks all inclusive sounds pretty good so she isnt booking crazy expensive holidays. However, your dh isn’t coping based on this thread and you need to talk about his stress levels , and what the options are in a balanced way.

Has everyone suddenly got there rose coloured goggles on about maternity and looking after an under 1 and toddler?

How dare OP not hoover twice a day, she should also be standing at the door with his pipe and slippers ready to go.

This thread is so frustrating.

If it were a woman at the brink of a breakdown would anyone say "well you chose to have children and such?

Talk to your husband and just try to make it about him and not this bloody holiday.

I think in you position I would sit him down and talk about cancelling the holiday and working towards him leaving this job and taking something low paid. Then you can swap. He does the house stuff you do and you work full time. Give it a time limit.

Then you’ll know if he was just blowing off steam or not and if he wasn’t it might be time to come up with a plan. My husband is in management and he’s bloody sick of it. We have a plan and an end date for him to go back to something less stressful and I go full time hours. He was a lot happier with that plan in place.

Exactly louhotel and even if OP did up her cleaning standards and make sure that no crumbs disturb him, how does she maintain this spotless house once she too is back at work ?

It will take time to adjust to an increase in workload, hours and responsibilities. As pointed out, your dh needs to consider his health- making sure he is eating, resting properly and has some techniques to unwind and switch off. He needs to address his stress!

I have a feeling this thread will turn into pages of "Cancel the holiday!" though

she does do everything its just sometimes things are not up to his standard - but no one can have a spotless house with a child and a baby

and she is about to go back to work and still do everything.

The DH sounds stressed out his mind and heading towards a breakdown. Its his employer he needs to be talking to about this to see what they can do to support him. OP I'm sorry but I think you should learn to iron shirts properly and have the house hoovered by evening. Surely the children are fed much earlier than when DH gets home. Its not a case of women's/men's work. The one at home all day just needs to stay on top of this stuff.

Ok we've officIally gone back to the 50s. OP is not a SAHM she is on maternity leave. Even if she had zero intention of going back to work then nobody can be expected to be top notch at all domestic chores. Particularly with two young DCs one under the age of one.

I don't suppose its his lack of perfectly ironed shirts or a few crumbs that have pushed him over the edge- its the pressure of his new job. As above he needs to find new coping strategies and if he can't then reconsider, but a week is not long enough to make that call.

Why is the OP being blamed for her husband's choice in taking a promotion he couldn't handle? Why is she being called selfish for booking a holiday they both discussed and agreed on? And why are people telling her to repeatedly hoover to appease her crumb hating husband? Once a day is enough.
OP, your husband needs to see a doctor for his stress, and/or talk to his employer.

and she is about to go back to work and still do everything.

Part time.

He is working 12 hours out of the house and more on the evenings, so 15/16 hours a day.

When do you propose he does stuff?

I think there are two issues here.

Firstly your DH has obviously not coped well with the promotion and you need him to be able to find a way forward he is happy with. Can he take a few days' leave to get some head space and you can both go through finances, work out what you need to run the household, where you can cut down, and then work out where that money can come from. Also look at his self-care - does he exercise, have some time for his own interests, get to enjoy family time? Does he have any coping strategies for work - a mentor, friends, is counselling an option? Does his employer offer support? Might they agree to a step back or different hours?

With your own employment, you can look realistically at your earning potential together and what else you have contributed to the household. Don't make it a who-does-more just talk honestly about what your current responsibilities are and how to best organise them in the future assuming both of you may be working.

No matter if someone is a SAHP, I think it's unhealthy for the other parent never to have any household/family responsibilities or tasks. It means that they become removed from the household and it's too hard to come back from.

She doesnt want him to do stuff - he does it because he does not feel that she does a good enough job. She cannot be expected to live in a spotless crumbless house.

He irons his shirts because she did not do it the way he does.

Personally I agree I think he has become too detached from chores leading to his too high standards.

She has sacrificed her career for him and still now it should be all about him.

I'm surprised that most posters think that the husband is on the brink of a breakdown. It looks like, to me, that he's got perfectionist tendencies and he's lost sight at how much "work" goes on at home because he's very rarely there

The witching hour ... dinner/bath/bed in my house was the most stressful time of the day and such a bottle neck - I'd have been buggered if I added hoovering to that part of the day. OP my DH ran the hoover round when he got in, too because he didn't like the crumbs either.

He's obviously stressed and has gone into catastrophising mode. You both need to talk to each other preferably away from the kids and when you are both feeling rested. Failing that !! You still need to talk to each other about this, and come up with a plan that is realistic and has a sensible timeframe that you can both agree with. Say you take his health concerns seriously and that you need to find a way forward together as a team

(No I never managed that but we did/are muddling through)

This thread has been eye opening to me in terms of what is considered overwork to a lot of posters. 7-7 (including commute, not 12 hours at work) is not at all unusual among people we know, both highly paid and underpaid. Not great, but normal. So is having to take on extra work - and extra stress - when you've just got a very well paid promotion and are settling into your new role. Expecting mums on maternity leave to miraculously hoover with a baby and toddler during the crazy house after dinner is not. She's not 'not working' she's looking after two small kids and is also about to head back to work.

Sounds like you both need a really frank conversation about your expectations and your needs for the next couple of years, and how you're going to fulfill them as a team. Personally, I'd bin the fancy holiday, go to centerparcs and put the extra towards a weekly cleaner and a great ironer to sort out the ultimately small domestic stuff that is threatening your partnership right now.

Totally digressing from the point of your post but Id love to know how you managed to get all inclusive 2 weeks in summer hols for Family of 4 with spends for £4.5k !! Please tell me where you're off to and who you booked with ??
With regards to your post - me and my DH have a similar budgeting strategy, for us it means there's always some 'cash' to cover emergencies. I work PT and DH full time self employed with extremely long hours but earns significantly more than me. I know the last couple of years it has started to take its toll on him. I've suggested him reducing hours, me increasing mine. He does sometimes work from home and does do bits around the house but I never ask him to and he's a bit like your DH - has to deal with something now. You probably could afford him taking a pay cut it just means everything else has to be adjusted, I.e - can you cancel holiday?, perhaps cut back on amount spent on birthdays and Christmas, may be reduced your weekend's away. Change all your energy, TV, broadband, insurances to cheaper suppliers. Budget for food shopping etc. Perhaps spending more time as a family, without DH being so stressed is a much better way of life for 52 weeks of the year than the hassle of a holiday for 2 weeks, for his own health (and you too). So you don't go away as much but have a nice relaxed family weekend at home - have a cheaper day out somewhere. Start sourcing free / cheap attractions things to do with kids. With your DH potentially home earlier in the evening you can have a nice relaxed family meal - you may both be able to prepare with a bottle of wine, or for just the 2 of you depending on age of kids. It is possible with planning if it's what he really needs.

Yeah. Dp leaves the house at 5am gets home 5pm usually. Constant stress as a self employed sub contractor running a small firm.

I work part time doing the admin side of things. I do 95% of the housework and childcare (13,4). I do however expect dp to do any ironing he wants doing as I don't iron. And he cooks our meal on a saturday evening. He will also do any childcare if I have an.appointment or want a few hours off. He washes his own dishes and any others that want doing over the weekend.

And if crumbs on the floor were annoying him he knows where the hoover or dustpan is.

Working 60 hours a week and being in possession of a penis doesnt mean that he gets to opt out of the mundane boring tasks of parenting and being a family. Some days I shit miracles. I work for a few hours, clean the house, do any chores, look after ds, see to the animals, cook a healthy and delicious meal and have a cold beer waiting for dp when he walks in with a smile on my face.

Some days he walks into a shithole, kids arguing, me looking and feeling a mess and general chaos.

Sometimes he is stressed to the max. Sometimes he is as happy as a dog with 2 dicks. But one thing he would never do is tell me we are swapping roles because I can't earn enough to maintain our current lifestyle. And we made a decision that I would be part time and him full time when ds was tiny.

Had I gone back to work full time when ds was little my career might be in a different place but we sacrificed my earning potential based on joint decisions we made.

So for your dh to change his mind is not only insultings it's incredibly selfish. It might be a reaction to some specific stress but he can't use you working pt as a stick to beat you with because he is finding work tough right now.

He has to suck it up for now. You work out a plan together that is right for everyone in the family and go from there. If you decided being a sahm was too stressful and wanted to Jack it all in he would laugh at you I bet.

If he agreed to the holiday and was aware of how much it would cost before booking then he has no right to have a go at you now about it, I don't care how stressed out he is, you're not psychic and he failed to communicate.

Rash decisions about jobs which is what this sounds like, usually don't go well.

He has to suck it up for now.

My DBIL tried to 'suck it up' as you put it. He ended up having a stroke.