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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is a hurtful thing to say?

121 replies

Purplerain101 · 12/01/2018 19:34

Was just talking about the stupid program ‘naked attraction’ with my OH (for those who haven’t seen it it’s a dating show where the person gets to pick between 5 naked people and they get shown their body parts bit by bit).
I said to him “would you pick me if you were on it and just saw my body and not my face?”
His response: “maybe if I saw your top half but definitely not your bottom half”. He wasn’t joking either and said it in a completely serious voice.
He’s now saying I’m over reacting for feeling hurt. AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Purplerain101 · 13/01/2018 13:30

I’m definitely too sensitive for my own good and I know I need to work on that. Just wish he had worded it slightly differently instead of being so abrupt. I don’t expect him to find me perfect and shower me with compliments all the time. I think I was just expecting a “yes” or a “maybe” when I asked him as it was a flyaway question to a non serious conversation. I wasn’t looking for specific details of what he did and didn’t find attractive about me.

OP posts:

derangedmermaid · 13/01/2018 13:32

I don't think you're too sensitive OP.
This would have really upset me too.

(And no doubt most of the people posting saying they would rather the truth..)

Tinkerbec · 13/01/2018 13:40

(And no doubt most of the people posting saying they would rather the truth..hmm)

It would have totally upset me but then so would the knowing lie and I would start to look where else he may lie to me. I know I have anxiety issues though.

Original poster

Purplerain101 · 13/01/2018 13:45

@tinkerbec but doesn’t everyone tell white lies? Saying a meal is delicious when someone cooks for you (even if it’s just mediocre). Pretending to have a lovely time at a party/wedding even though you’re tired and bored. Telling someone their new baby is cute and you can’t wait to meet it even though you aren’t particularly interested? Just some examples of things people might lie about because they want to be kind and not make the people around them feel bad

OP posts:

Tinkerbec · 13/01/2018 13:47

Yes I agree. I do it myself but its my partner who I would like brutal honesty from. I don’t know why I prefer that to a white lie. I just do. Even if I cooked and it tasted awful I would prefer the truth.

Original poster

Purplerain101 · 13/01/2018 13:49

@tinker yeah I get what you mean that it’s a bit different when it’s your partner. It just wouldn’t be in my nature to ever say anything “negative” as I get really anxious about upsetting people. Something I need to work on

OP posts:

TheStoic · 13/01/2018 13:52

Personally I’d be taking my top and bottom half off to someone who appreciates them both.

But I’m harsh like that.

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2018 13:54

Of course no one wants to hear it really, the point is don't ask unless you wish to know the answer. If you ask, prepare for the truth, if you don't ask, fair enough you don't want to know. Expecting him to lie to you isn't ideal really. It sends a message for the rest of your relationship. It tells him " please don't be honest with me if I ask you something and the answer might upset me, always lie". How can you ever trust him?

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2018 13:56

Personally I’d be taking my top and bottom half off to someone who appreciates them both

Really? Or would you just be taking it to someone who would lie to you?

Halfdrankbrew · 13/01/2018 14:00

You were probably playing with fire asking. We joke when we're watching it, similar thing "oooo would you pick me?" Or try to second guess which one either of us would chose. We sound wild don't we 😂!

I think if you don't want an honest answer don't ask. It's such a weird program anyway.

TheStoic · 13/01/2018 14:03

Really? Or would you just be taking it to someone who would lie to you?

Most women can tell when a man appreciates their body.

The OP asked the question for a reason. Questions don’t tend to come from nowhere.

derangedmermaid · 13/01/2018 14:08

Are theStoic and I the only people here who expect our partners not to say overly cunty things to us?

FWIW my DP hated it when I cut my hair short and dyed it ginger. But he only told me just how badly he disliked it AFTER I'd grown it out and dyed it blue. I asked him why he didn't tell me at the time and he did " because you'd have just felt a bit shit until it grew back and I didn't want that"

It's not lying, ITS LOOKING AFTER THE PERSON YOU LOVE...

SparklyLights · 13/01/2018 14:10

Bluntness - but this was a hypothetical scenario that the op was asking in. She hadn’t turned to her OH and said “tell me the truth - no matter what - do you honestly like my body?” It was prompted hypothetically. Her OH took the a light heated opportunity to answer seriously (or meanly, depending on how you look at it). He could have said “I’ll always love your boobs!” or something if he really wanted to give more of an honest answer.

How many posters would be saying LTB if a poster had asked the same question directly after giving birth and got the same answer? We don’t always need to hear “honesty” .It’s not the same as lying about finances or having an affair.

Original poster

Purplerain101 · 13/01/2018 14:11

@mermaid I agree. I doubt anyone whose partner told them they definitely wouldn’t be attracted to part of their body would just smile and be like “thanks for the honesty”. They would probably feel a bit humiliated like I do and then end up with a complex.
I think I asked the question as we haven’t been together long. If we had been together years and years and were very settled then I doubt I would have cared so much about what his answer would be

OP posts:

SparklyLights · 13/01/2018 14:11

Deranged - I’m with you!

CollyWombles · 13/01/2018 14:12

It really doesn't matter what 'the masses' think about his comment, what matters is what YOU think and you were hurt by it. I would be too. There is nothing wrong with fishing for compliments now and again either. Your husband was tactless but he should take on board that you feel upset by it.

derangedmermaid · 13/01/2018 14:25

@Purplerain101

I think you should probably tell your DP that what he said was hurtful and now you feel like maybe he doesn't fancy you.

I'm sure any decent partner would want to make you feel better.

blue2014 · 13/01/2018 14:39

Is there any chance he meant "I wouldn't pick anyone to date based on the look of their fanny"

Like he meant .. I might be attracted by your boobs when I see you in a bar but I'm not staring at women's crotches in the hope they have perfectly shaped lips?

blue2014 · 13/01/2018 14:39

I'd also ask him more to be honest, it will eat away at you if you don't

Original poster

Purplerain101 · 13/01/2018 15:04

I don’t think it’s my crotch as he’s said a few times that he likes the way mine looks I think it’s more likely to be my thighs and hips as he prefers very petite to curves. Oh well - I know he loves me as a person so I guess that’s what matters

OP posts:

youarenotkiddingme · 13/01/2018 15:09

But he didn't say he doesn't love every part of you. You've translated what he actually said into this.

I definitely wouldn't have chosen some of my partners if I'd been shown parts of them. But that's the point isn't it? You look at a whole person when choosing them as a partner?

And you asked so you can't be annoyed he answered

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