WIBU to put off newborn visitors this time?

[rosesandjim]

I'm currently pregnant with dc2. When I had dc1 I had a horrific tear which resulted in surgery and a haemorrhage. Then my baby was very unwell and also needed surgery, which was absolutely terrifying.

At the time dc1 was the first grandchild on both sides and the first baby in both families for 25 years, so everyone was very excited.
The excitement however soon turned into selfish demands and expectations. Everyone wanted to 'pop over' and basically be waited on by us at every bloody opportunity.

My in laws had a really bad cold/flu virus so DH asked them to stay away for a couple of weeks until they were better. MIL still goes on about how she didn't meet little one when they were born and that she was 'robbed' and this time she's meeting them straight away!!!
Thing is we had such a horrible time last time, it really affected me physically and mentally for a while and this time, I don't want anyone for at least a week or two, not even our parents.

AIBU to tell everyone this before hand and stick to how I want to do it?
We aren't planning anymore and if all is well this time, I'd like things to be a bit more enjoyable and also give dc1 some time to adjust.

Yanbu but be prepared that in laws will push

I think yab a little unreasonable but definitely no waiting on people!

I don't think yabu at all, fair enough they are excited to meet the baby, but your feelings are more important than theirs.
Is your partner on the same page as you? If he is, then can you both agree to stay strong together, perhaps don't announce the birth the minute it happens, wait until you get home and settle for a few hours. Then call everyone to let them know, and give them a day and time they can come over for a couple of hours.

The only way to stop this from getting messy is to be upfront and give everyone their chance to meet the baby, but within a frame that suits you.
When they are visiting, simply don't offer them anything, if they want something tell them to help themselves.

Yanbu, I think don't let anyone take this experience away from you again. If they wait a week or two then it's not going to make a difference.

Some people think the hospital meets have the advantage of set times /visitors so you can control the situation a bit better.
Then tell them you are having x amount of weeks just you +dh +dc and will let them know when to bring food parcels and cakes round!! And directions to the kettle /washer /iron!!

YANBU. I’m having DC2 in a couple of weeks and have said the first two weeks will be a no visitor zone unless we’re feeling particularly ready before. Very similar reasons to you too!

Some people aren’t too happy but I’m not letting it bother me. Their feelings aren’t the most important in this situation and they’ll just have to get over it. C’est la vie!

I would allow hospital visiting and then none for a week, if that' how you feel. Although I think it's very selfish of you.

Ok so you need to manage their expectations and make it s em like they’re coming round at the earliest opportunity but actually at a time and date that suits you.

One option is to have them visiting in the hospital for 30mins when baby is born especially if you stay in over night. Then say “we’ll we’re see you in a few days —a week— once we’re home and settled”

Or you don’t announce anything hung until baby is born (depending on your childcare arrangements for DC1) and then say we’ll see you at the weekend.

Any further mention of how anyone was robbed of straight out of the oven New born-ness, just laugh and say “don’t be daft, 10 days or 10hrs they really aren’t that different, but this time try not to get ill”. If they really push it just be blunt and say, “you do remember that DC1 had surgery, how do you think we felt?”

How about you visit them with the baby? Then you can leave when ready. Obviously only works if they live nearby.

It's not selfish on your part at all. With my second I needed quiet with the newborn and also time for my older child to adjust t her new sibling. It was calm and as relaxed as it could be with a newborn and a little one. It also helped with creating my own bond and getting used to feeding again. Do want you need to do for your little family.

It isn't all about you. So if everything is OK this time, you would still refuse visitors for up to two weeks? Your relatives will remember that forever. Why not just let them visit for an hour?

I think YABU . Let them visit They r part of the family too. Not waiting on them tho unless it's DH taking care of that.

Babies are not attractions for people to see. All being well, the baby will be around for another 75 years or so. I really don’t get this obsession over newborns.

The only visitor we had in the first weeks was my mum (dad stayed at home!) who was such a fantastic support to us after a difficult labour, emergency section and then a week in hospital. I ended up with early onset PND.

MIL made comments about being disappointed etc, but I couldn’t care less. I found everything so, so hard and an onslaught of visitors would have tipped me over the edge. Just say no, seriously. Your MH is more important than ANYTHING.

And I disagree with PP - it IS all about you (and your baby of course)

Yanbu to enjoy this time in the way that suits you, DH and DC best, but I would bear in mind that your in-laws were back of the queue last time (albeit for a good reason), so let them be the first this time when visiting begins.

Sorry but I think you are being a bit selfish. Of course if you or the baby end up sick that’s a different story. But if all goes well - why not let them visit in hospital for 15mins to meet the baby and then ask for two weeks family time? New born babies change dramatically in 2 weeks - surely you can see why they would be excited about meeting the baby? You say you want to feel close to your immediate family ie your hubby and two children...,could you imagine one of those children having a child as an adult and telling you that you had to wait two weeks to meet your grandchild?

I'm a grandparent and I don't think that this is unreasonable at all. I don't think that you should have to engage in mental gymnastics to try to avoid upsetting anyone either, so long as you are polite about it - and you are being. Say what suits you. I truly don't understand people like your MIL or anyone else who claims 'rights' to specifics like this. As other's have said you have very valid reasons for wanting a quiet time with your own family before you are ready for visitors. YOUR family, YOUR baby. That's all there is to it. to be honest, I also think that when grandparents visit it should be in a spirit of helping, not wanting to be waited on. Stick to your guns, OP so that you, your OH and little ones get what you need in this instance.

YANBU.

Just say 'We're not having visitors around until _. We'll let you know when you can come by for an hour. Be prepared to bring yoru own snack and make your own tea."

Name your day or feeling. Make it clear that as someone who has just given birth and is getting very little sleep due to sleeping will NOT be waiting on 'guests'. Or they won't be welcome. Make your DH explain it to his parents.

DH is fully on board with it and also found it too much last time. We were still in shock at what had happened and were terrified that our baby was going to end up in hospital again.

I really like my own space and had a big issue with people holding her after I'd had to go hours without holding her myself. They would stay hours and say oh you've got loads more time to hold her. I was very weak and put up with it at the time, which still annoys me, so that's probably why I feel like I want to be strict about it this time!!
Hospital visits is a good idea, might be able to mention to the midwife before that we don't want people staying long. Last time I was too weak to hold my baby but of it goes better this time, I might be up for that.

And @Iliketeabagging it actually is!!

YANBU

*it isn't all about you
*
It is literally all about her (and the baby). Nobody has the right to make any demands.

Haha cross post with the op!

I don't understand this business about immediate visiting. For both DCs MIL didn't see them for months and my DB, DM and SIL dropped in briefly after a week though all sent notes and flowers which were much appreciated. I certainly didn't aunts, uncles or GPs for months.

OP, just say no now but that you'll look forward to INVITING them over to see your new DC when you're settled in. As for the excitement of "first baby in 25 years in both families" - were you and your DH 25 then? Only trying to get my head round it. Even so, the family should have listened then and should listen now.

@crunched I agree, that's what I suggested to DH as I do feel bad about it. I get on with my in laws and would never want to intentionally upset them. So they'd definitely be first at the door!

Maybe it's about time the NHS produced a leaflet for gps and the do's /don'ts of becoming one!
Would save lots of dps stress /lack of genuine support network and maybe some pnd cases.
When dil had my dgs I waited for be invited round to meet him. Her dm had been at the birth which neither upset me nor pd me off!! I am the dgm not a shared owner of a racehorse!

Well yanbu if thats what you want. Personally I couldnt have imagined saying to my Mum she wasnt going to meet the 2 of my babies she did (sadly she never got to meet DS3) when they were born.