WIBU to put off newborn visitors this time?

[rosesandjim]

I'm currently pregnant with dc2. When I had dc1 I had a horrific tear which resulted in surgery and a haemorrhage. Then my baby was very unwell and also needed surgery, which was absolutely terrifying.

At the time dc1 was the first grandchild on both sides and the first baby in both families for 25 years, so everyone was very excited.
The excitement however soon turned into selfish demands and expectations. Everyone wanted to 'pop over' and basically be waited on by us at every bloody opportunity.

My in laws had a really bad cold/flu virus so DH asked them to stay away for a couple of weeks until they were better. MIL still goes on about how she didn't meet little one when they were born and that she was 'robbed' and this time she's meeting them straight away!!!
Thing is we had such a horrible time last time, it really affected me physically and mentally for a while and this time, I don't want anyone for at least a week or two, not even our parents.

AIBU to tell everyone this before hand and stick to how I want to do it?
We aren't planning anymore and if all is well this time, I'd like things to be a bit more enjoyable and also give dc1 some time to adjust.

Don't tell them that the birth has occurred until you've got over the initial few hours and worked out how you're feeling. Then you can decide if you're up to visitors or not.Your baby, your decision, and if you're out of hospital then it's your home and your decision whether to answer the door or not!

YANBU, it's your baby, your labour/birth and anyone who can't accept why you might want some quiet time after anything as stressful as that (especially after a past bad experience) can do one.

Oh no, poor old MIL didn't get to see the baby for two weeks, diddums

She'll get over it, and will come to understand. Hopefully DH will back you up too!

You've just done the hardest, most dangerous thing that most western women will ever have to do, you deserve as much rest as you want!

It isn't all about you.

What a crock!! 😂

When it’s YOU that’s pushed it out your vagina and laboured for fuck knows how long, then and only then can you make it even a little bit about you

@Megs4x3 thank you for your post, you sound like a lovely grandparent!!

I think YABVU. What would be the problem with both sets of parents being allowed to visit for 30 mins each when you are in hospital? 2 weeks is a very long time to wait to see a new born, they are just excited for you and want to see the new arrival.

I really don't know what's right here. I did a three course meal 3 days after DC1 was born and felt ghastly. But they had come from Liverpool to Dorset.
I think most reasonable family would say 'When would it be convenient to visit? And can I bring a meal for you?'. That might ameliorate the sense is duty, I guess.
'Feeling robbed' is purely manipulative and deeply unpleasant.
Maybe say come, but can you help out by bringing a casserole/meal? As I'm feeling exhausted. No catering, show them where the tea/coffee is. Although, you never know, you may relish being able to make a pot of tea hands free while they hold new born and entertain sibling?

I never understand family feeling they have a good given right to turn up, unless they truly want to help you out.
Good luck.

Personally I would have hated it my parents and parents in law hadn't met their grand children straight away (unless obviously ill as you said). But I'm really close to my parents and my parents in law aren't the type to stay for ages. They literally popped into the hospital for 20 min on each child. Could you just let them come to the hospital for visiting as they can't stay too long, then tell them you need a week or so to yourselves once you're home, so they're happy they've seen the baby? I know it's hard, I suppose they just want to share in the excitement.

What would be the problem with both sets of parents being allowed to visit for 30 mins each when you are in hospital?
Well maybe OP will be feeling bloody crap and just wanting to have some rest without having to try and be sociable and enthusiastic for other people who haven't just squeezed a rather large object out of a rather small hole! Why do GP's rights trump the parents just because there's a baby involved?!

I feel for you OP. You've had such tough time with your first DC. It's interesting how posters have polarised on this matter. I teach parents-to- be and it comes up a lot in discussion. When I am teaching I don't express personal opinions but suggest to the group that whatever they decide, it might be a good move to start as they mean to go on, so everyone knows where they stand.

Personally, I loathed being bombarded by visitors when I had just given birth, although I felt disempowered to express strong opinions at the time, (I felt quite vulnerable after a birth in many respects) so we did have visitors both at the hospital and at home when I didn't feel up to it. A mother is also recovering from the birth and needs consideration.To me this takes precedence over anyone's else's needs or expectations. I also hated people playing pass the parcel with my new baby, but I kept quiet about it. Personally, if I had my time again, I would be more assertive and lay some group rules. And give relatives banging on about their 'rights' pretty short shrift.

My eldest DS is now 30 so if there's a baby in the next few years, as a MIL I plan to hold back and be understanding if a DIL needs space.

I have one grand child. I can't imagine not meeting her for two weeks.

She is six weeks old now and I see her every two-three days. I cut her cord and welcomed her in to the world.

Are you normally close to your parents and in laws?

I'm with you OP. I'm due DC2 in May and I'm quite scared about the first few weeks/visiting thing. Like many other people have experienced, I was taken advantage of by overly pushy family members who put their desires before mine and my baby's needs. They would hold him for hours/pass him around and jiggle him to sleep so he wouldn't wake up for a feed and then I would be up all night feeding a very hungry baby non-stop (I obviously had to be the bad guy and put a stop to that behaviour), my 'favourite' was when I invited two very pushy people to visit, they brought a whole host of uninvited family with them, took up all available seats and left me (extremely sore with stitches etc) with only a wooden stool to sit on... I also had to leave the room to feed the baby so I could a) sit down and b) not offend anyone. Everyone demanded cups of tea and whatever else they fancied. What a surprise, I had severe PND.

I'm not having any of it this time, post birth the mum is often shocked, battered, bruised, cut, stitched, and exhausted. The tiny baby needs to settle into the family, and it is the immediate family that must come first. It doesn't take much at all to tip you over the edge mentally.

I really don't want to offend anyone, but if they can't understand why I might not commit to certain things immediately after the birth then they are fools, and it's not my problem.

IF you are happy to then I would let Grandparents visit at hospital and then say no to everyone for a week. Maybe if you could ask them to take DC1 out for some quality time with Grandparents then they would feel more involved without imposing on you.

Hi OP, i'm very close to my family and in-laws but we said no visiting for a week after we got home, they respected that and were fine with it, it's done no damage to anyone's relationship and we loved having that time just us and our new baby

@ittakes2 I can see why they'd be excited, I'm not saying that. I would be more than happy to do whatever they wanted, I'd be upset if they said you can never meet the child, ever!!! But Christ we are literally talking 7-14 days, it shocks me that some people think it's so selfish to want that time.

fine if thats what you want but please dont make an exception for your side of the family,make the rule across the board

YANBU - but be prepared you might feel very differently when DC2 actually arrives - especially if all goes smoothly this time.

Second child can be really quite different - for a start you just have to get up and get on because of DC1 (providing you are physically able).

I was home mopping the kitchen floor 24 hours after DD2 arrived, and PIL came to visit on Day 2 and I was quite ready to show her off and get some attention for DD1 (not to be underestimated how useful GPs are in taking first child out and making a fuss of them).

Do what you feel is right but I wouldn't make any concrete plans either way until you know how you feel.

Thank you @rosesandjim. I'm blushing! People who are saying that you are not being reasonable don't understand that people who expect to be waited on often don't have enough respect to pay attention to 'please don't stay for longer than 30 minutes as I'm tired' or any such requests, and that you have been open to suggestions anyway. I too don't really understand the rush to see a newborn the moment they are hatched. Most of the time they just want to eat and sleep. I think people forget that you had a child not just a baby, it's an exhausting experience and you and they need time to recover.

I'm close to both sets of parents. As mentioned previously, it would be in laws to meet little one first this time because they were last before.

I agree with Grammar, it’s amazing that the GPs don’t ask when it’s convenient to come round. They sound self obsessed.

"Don't tell them that the birth has occurred until you've got over the initial few hours and worked out how you're feeling"

Don't even tell them you are in labour either.

Usually my response is it isn't all about you, but in this case it most definitely is. You need to lay down some ground rules for both sides of the family - no favouritism, before your baby is born and stick to them.

They would stay hours and say oh you've got loads more time to hold her

Where on earth do people get the idea that all you do with a new born is sit around and hold them - have they forgotten what its like? All I remember is endless feeding, changing, changing sicked on sheets and clothes, laundry and no space to get sleep, shower, cup of tea that hasn't gone cold etc etc We lived on frozen pizza (ready meals not so available in 1991 and frozen pizzas were cheap. I will content never to see another frozen pizza for as long as I remain on this earth.)

Yanbu. Too many people came after my EMCS with dc1. It greatly hindered bf and my recovery. Making cups of tea while hosting and in pain was miserable.

Before I had dc2 I told people I wanted quiet time to recover. No visitors until after 2 weeks and far fewer visitors over all. It was bliss.

@SleepySheepy thank you I'm so sorry you had such a horrible time with your first I'm hoping it goes better for you this time. I could have written most of your post myself.
It adds so much stress,especially if you're trying to establish breastfeeding. I'm sorry you had PND, how awful

I too want a better experience this time and want to try and do better with feeding. My supply was next to none because of how weak I was and I have memories of sitting on the bathroom floor on towels, in agony feeding because I was so sick of being followed everywhere I took little one!!

When my son was born we all went and stayed with my parents for a week. I was waited on hand and foot, it was utterly blissful and I returned home with great reluctance.