WIBU to put off newborn visitors this time?

[rosesandjim]

I'm currently pregnant with dc2. When I had dc1 I had a horrific tear which resulted in surgery and a haemorrhage. Then my baby was very unwell and also needed surgery, which was absolutely terrifying.

At the time dc1 was the first grandchild on both sides and the first baby in both families for 25 years, so everyone was very excited.
The excitement however soon turned into selfish demands and expectations. Everyone wanted to 'pop over' and basically be waited on by us at every bloody opportunity.

My in laws had a really bad cold/flu virus so DH asked them to stay away for a couple of weeks until they were better. MIL still goes on about how she didn't meet little one when they were born and that she was 'robbed' and this time she's meeting them straight away!!!
Thing is we had such a horrible time last time, it really affected me physically and mentally for a while and this time, I don't want anyone for at least a week or two, not even our parents.

AIBU to tell everyone this before hand and stick to how I want to do it?
We aren't planning anymore and if all is well this time, I'd like things to be a bit more enjoyable and also give dc1 some time to adjust.

Clock all the twatty grandparents-in-waiting on here! :o

You’re not at all unreasonable to have as long without visitors as you need. Grandparents, aunts, neighbours and the bloke who washes the windows will be more than fine giving you all the time and space to deal with the newest of the newborn phase. Anyone who kicks off needs to have a long hard look at their priorities.

Good luck!

Have you asked /has anyone anyone invited themselves over to help with dc1 whilst you are in hospital?

Will they be sensitive enough to know when to go home?

We didn’t have visitor problems with any of our 3 and my MIL knew when it was time to go home after child no’s 2 + 3.

However we had potential visitor problems when DW was having chemo. There were days when visits were completely out and we’d agreed that anyone who was ill/full of cold etc wasn’t coming in.

It can be quite hard to dissuade the helpful and family.

All the best.

I think for those who are saying 'I can't imagine my mum not meeting my baby for a fortnight', it's important to remember that the OP isn't saying this on a whim, but because of past behaviour. I can't imagine my parents not meeting a baby of mine for a couple of weeks either, but my parents are sane and sensible people who wouldn't have dreamed of refusing to give me the baby back when howling for a feed (a couple of friends of mine had this from DPs/PILs), or expecting me to cook them dinner. If relatives don't have the sense to realise that post partum mothers (a) need some peace and quiet to recover rather than to be running around after guests and (b) may not want to be separated from their baby , then they're deserving of limited consideration.

Second child can be really quite different - for a start you just have to get up and get on because of DC1 (providing you are physically able).

Yes - this may well be the case. With my second child I had a PPH and initially I was very relieved to be able to hand over both my older child and my baby to my parents while I went into surgery, then recovered.

When I went home I welcome visitors but did not cater for them at all - they were pointed towards the kettle.

I also asked them to make more of a fuss over DD1 as well as new DD2, so that she didn't feel left out.

If I did need time to just sit and breastfeed then I often asked people to take DD2 somewhere special for the day so I could have some quiet time.

I think you risk alienating the gps if you ban them for two weeks.they arnt the enemy,they are your dh and yr parents.would you rather they didn't care? Weren't interested?..you don't have to wait on them hand and foot...I took to bed with my second dc to establish feeding.dh brought up food .gps were downstairs on hand to cuddle while I napped..what about limiting the visits to 2 people at a time ,and make it clear it's not a cafe..you might find you piss them off and therefore they don't help out later..I think there's nothing wrong with having a day or 2 visitor free ,but any longer you risk causing upset...but ofcourse it's your call😀💐

Yanbu (although 2 weeks is a long time.

Ds was in NICU for a few weeks (5 minute 'care cuddles' and me going home every night) so when he was ready to come home I said no visitors for the day. It went like this

DM: ring me the second you're home and I'll be there with the balloons
Me: no way, we're shutting the curtains and locking the door for the day... we've missed out on so much
DM: oh I know, we have, haven't we. So roughly what time?
Me: I mean it Mam, the door will be locked
DM: I'll just pop in for 20 minutes, just for a cuddle
Me: not today, I mean it
DM: I'll just say hello, I'll only stay 5 minutes....

She knocked and was ignored. They were welcome the next day but that first one was ours.

Same play out when ds was re-admitted for a few more weeks after a fortnight home.

I told everyone I wanted two weeks just us then I'd have visitors. MIL moaned a bit but she knew I wouldn't change my mind, everyone else understood!

Oh rosesandjim when I think of you on the bathroom floor.

My heart agrees that it is all about you that you are worried about how you will feel after this pregnancy & you are clearly concerned about further PND. You should do all you can to avoid this and feel in control. However part of your worry is clearly about the reaction of others - you seem to fear (and therefore are probably right as you know these people) that offense will be taken. Thus avoiding this sounds important to you too so I'd perhaps try and come up with a compromise. Visiting at hospital and then arranging another time after you are home sounds a good potential. Are you feeling saying as well that you want no one to visit for up to 2 weeks - does your DC1 go to school? As this is potentially an awfully long time for them to be in the house only - could GP's be asked to help? I'm not sure we actually ask for help enough. If they were busy with DC1 and saw therefore glimpse of the new baby then maybe it would help all round. Perhaps get them thinking now about where they would take DC1 etc. Presumably at least one of the GP's being asked to look after DC1 whilst you are in labour so not telling them isn't really an option and will they therefore be bringing DC1 to met their new sibling. I'm putting 2 and 2 together here but just trying to make sure that you have thought through how a blanket ban might work to question if it actual would? It sounds almost bliss like...is it actually workable though? Agreeing rules and your partner being the gatekeeper is perhaps more workable particularly if you actually get along. Do they know why you are worried and what you are thinking?

Your DH/DP can tell them all that he doesn't want you to be disturbed or stressed by loads of visitors and he'll let everyone know when they can come.

YADNBU

26 years later and I still resent DH for asking his parents for dinner on the evening when I came home with my first baby. I didn't know what I was doing and felt overwhelmed by the whole thing. YA definitely NBU. Do what ever suits you. Much easier to control timing of visits in hospital.
If you could be sure that visitors would play with your older child and get you and themselves food/drink then after a couple of weeks they could prove useful.

Interesting topic.

I'm pregnant and due in June with my first.

I have already rocked the boat a little bit by explaining to my sister that I don't think she and mum mum should fly over until a couple of weeks after the birth as I'd like a little while to settle in.

Plus, we live in a really small house with just 2 bedrooms, the second of which will be the nursery rather than general spare room. The message wasn't received very happily! I tried to explain that I think I would need the support visit more after DP returns to work after a week of him at home helping support me.

I think the message has been accepted, but it is a definite source of tension. My sister touched on it after she had a few glasses of wine over christmas, and there is definite residual anger/resentment! But I am going to hold my ground. Just because I have a close relationships with them doesn't mean i can cope with visitors and suitcases and a new born baby!

My in-laws are 20 minutes away but don't show up without checking or calling first. So I expect they will visit very soon after, if not in the hospital, but I don't think they will overstay. I'm ironically less concerned about them.

It is frustrating that there is so much expectation and senses of entitlement. I'm still adjusting to the reality myself!

YANBU especially with the flu epidemic.

Yanbu. There was a time when I couldn't have understood this, but my family are all helpful and sensitive and I didn't mind them being there the moment I pushed DC out primarily because I knew I'd be waited on for weeks. Then I heard, and saw with my own eyes, the experience my cousin had with her PILS. They aren't bad people but they lost the absolute plot when their first grandchild came along. I visited a week after the baby was born, only to be greeted by the sight of cousin's MIL lying full length on the sofa with the sleeping newborn on her chest, with cousin's FIL on his knees beside her like some sort of fucked up post modern Adoration of the Magi. Cousin was limping around, a week post section, making them endless cups of tea. Fil, in my hearing, said "don't bother making us a big dinner, soup and sandwiches will do, thanks". I saw her face just drop at this point, so I whisked her off to bed, removed the baby from shocked MIL, tucked them both up for a nap and ordered an Indian for all of us, placating FIL by listening to his tales of "vindaloo curries he once met". There was more, but it's very outing but suffice to say it took time to nip that behaviour in the bud. And they genuinely aren't awful people, but they were ghastly when faced with a newborn DC

Oh forgot to add. The Pils had been doing this EVERY DAY since the baby was home. Sometimes they would stay until 10pm after arriving after lunch.

YANBU but he prepared to have family think you are. I wanted to avoid visitors for my second baby but alas my DH just didn't understand my objections. After my first, MIL breezed in after I'd had a traumatic EMCS and started calling my DS "my baby" over and over when I was already having trouble bonding with him and feeling like he was mine. Everyone who visited told me I wasn't entitled to feel bad about how the birth went because it's only the baby that matters. Then when we were back home the in-laws would visit, use up every mug in the house and leave a huge pile of washing up, refuse to give the baby back for feeds because they insisted he was crying because he was tired, and expected me to make small talk for hours; my MIL even told me to go out and specially buy them some biscuits and the milk she drinks when I'd only been home a couple of days. I think I would have recovered far sooner if I'd just been left alone.

I cannot get over some of these stories! Why are people so selfish?

DB & SIL had (who we are pretty close to) had 1st baby of this generation last year. All very exciting. I was at work and colleagues were saying ‘oh I bet you can’t wait to get round and see baby tonight!’ - when I said I wasn’t going, they couldn’t believe it. I hadn’t been invited, just told DB to let me know when they were ready. I don’t have a RIGHT to see the baby! Went over a couple of weeks later and it was lovely.

rosesandjim - I don’t think you are at all selfish for wanting two weeks family time. I’m just saying if all goes well, I don’t see the big deal of a quick hospital visit. My twins were born premature and I had an emergency C section where I lost about a third of my blood, so I had to have a blood transfusion. I was in a lot of pain in intensive care and one of my twins went to the special unit. I was pretty livid that in all the excitement and concern for my health - my mother’n’law got to hold my baby before I did!! But it wasn’t intentional. She was just so excited and my hubby handed her a baby. My husband never clicked and my mother’n’law didn’t realise I had not held the babies yet. Of course, it’s your baby and your body and you need to do what you want. But I just think letting the grandparents come for 15minutes in the hospital is not a huge ask - and may mean the world to them. To be honest, I’m not a huge fan of my mother’n’law - but I would not have denied her the chance to see her grand babies when they were born.

I'm due in 2 weeks and am also seriously stressed about this.

It makes me feel terrible that this has never occurred to me before when visiting other new mums that they would be feeling like this.

In an ideal world, DH and I would have at least 24 hours alone with the baby, with our parents then visiting and only staying for an hour or so - and looking after THEMSELVES whilst at ours and not expecting cups of tea etc.

I would then hope DH manages all other family members and tells them a strict time and date they can visit several days later, same rules above apply!

Seems so strict when writing it down, but the thought of people "popping in" makes me want to actually cry.

Having come off AD's to TTC a year ago I have had to very carefully manage my mental health, and feel this could be the catalyst, so already obsessing over it.

You should do what is best for you. My parents were amazing and just said let us know when you’re ready for visitors and then brought food for everyone so I didn’t have to lift a finger. They didn’t get to see my baby until she was 2 weeks old but that was totally fine. They wanted to make sure they visited at the best time for us. In contrast, we had to put my in-laws off visiting in the hospital (which was good as I had lots of problems and wasn’t discharged until day 4). I think they came when my baby was about a week old and I was totally overwhelmed. The first hour was fine but we had major feeding problems and i just broke down sobbing as I couldn’t cope with visitors, the pain I was in and the failed feeding. My husband had to get everyone to leave so he could look after us both as I was very distressed. I think if they’d have come even a few days later they’d have had a nicer visit and been able to spend longer with the baby. I was also very emotional and got quite anxious when others had the baby. A week later I was totally fine and very much ready for visitors.

In contrast I’ve had friends who were fine after 24 hours and desperate to show off the baby. It really depends on your personality, the way the birth has gone etc. I’d hope that next time round I have an easier recovery and won’t be as stressed if I struggle with breast feeding again. I think I’d be ready for visitors sooner than last time round. But if I am ever a grandparent I’ll absolutely take my parents’ approach and ask what works best for the parents.

You are not being unreasonable! I am due in a few weeks and my mum is happy to come over when invited however my PIL want to come hospital straight away, I am having a c section due to health problems I have and chronic pain so I want to recover and bond with my baby before other people get involved! It's shocking how little people think of the mother after birth! You have to think of yourself first! Don't let anyone make you feel any guilt for putting your mental and physical health before the feelings of grandparents!

Lol at the idea of people calling OP "selfish" for wanting time alone with the baby she's just pushed out of her vagina. What word would you use to describe people who demand to see the baby whenever they feel like it, regardless of the mother's feelings? I'd say that was pretty fucking "selfish" tbh.

I think that sometimes people who come from close, loving, supportive families forget that not every family is like their own. If someone doesn't want their family close by at such an important time in their life then there is usually a very good reason for that.

YANBU but it's ironic to read your thread then skip to the other one where the OP is outraged that her in-laws have dared to book a holiday when she's due.

I blame the constant visitors in part for my failed breastfeeding.
I was too sore to get up and walk to the bedroom. Id say baby needs a feed Hinting PLEASE LEAVE and in laws would just look at me. Then they pressurised me to bottle feed I think it was so they could take him out.
I was struggling after days after the delivery and mil was just obsessed about how ds recognised her already and it was like she was going back in time because he looked so much like my dh and how happy she was while I felt the worst I had ever felt.
I can’t inderstand the people on this thread saying it would be selfish to keep visitors away. Why? What’s important is baby is happy and bonding and mum is recovering. If the op needs space to do that then if she allows the floodgates to open she will compromise her own mental health and recovery. Then of course compromise mum and it impacts on baby also. It’s fairly obvious really.
All these mils need to keep this in perspective it’s selfish to push around your battered and bruised dil days after delivery. Grandparents are not the focus here. Baby is mum is then dad and siblings in this order.