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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you need a partner to be of equal intelligence?

118 replies

rockcity · 12/01/2018 13:39

I got together with a new partner recently and for the most part it's been awesome. He's fantastic and we get on and bond in a very basic underlying level - there's something that's just right. In addition to that, sex is incredible - best ever - and we love each other very dearly. He's a great guy. Only niggle that sometimes causes me pause for thought - I don't think we're on the same level intellectually. I'm not of the school that thinks romantic partners need to be everything to one another, yet as I've noticed this it has come as something of a disappointment to me. But does it have to matter? And is it something that can be worked on, is it even necessarily important when everything else is great? He has the edge on me in so many other ways - emotional intelligence, practicality, stability, etc. and is charming and extremely likeable socially. He's a wonderful guy and on a visceral level we just match so well. Can it work?

OP posts:

ShellyBoobs · 13/01/2018 13:17

I wholeheartedly agree that partners need to be at least somewhere near to equally intelligent.

I can’t imagine how dull it must be (for both parties) to sit and talk to someone for hours if there’s a huge disparity in intellect.

My OH’s friend and his wife are miles apart in that respect. He’s sharp and witty and knows lots about various things and also learns lots of new things.

She never seems to know anything about any subject when we all have dinner together or have entered the odd pub quiz, etc. I really do mean she seems to know literally nothing about anything that comes up in conversation.

I also know a man who could be a case study for Dunning-Kruger. He thinks he is super-intelligent but then makes the most bizarre statements about things he’s misunderstood but can’t possibly be wrong about. He doesn’t apply critical thinking to anything; he’s read it, (or misread it) and therefore it is fact. Even if someone who is an expert on the subject points out the error.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning–Kruger_effect

Addictedtohavingbabies · 13/01/2018 13:22

I think personality does play a role but I also think where intelligence is lower than average it does play a part in the ability to get along and keep up with others in conversations. The ex I mentioned in my last post never knew what was going on in the news, didn't know who the prime minister was, thought he could turn up Everest and just start climbing, the list goes on. He was socially inept. In that case, I think similar intelligence is important .

hevonbu · 13/01/2018 13:22

Augustis: "I've known some people who've reacted badly if I used a word they weren't familiar with - they knew that I'd telepathically scanned their entire vocabularies, and with malice aforethought, had deliberately chosen a word they didn't know, in order to make them look like a cunt."

Right.

"Penultimate" is such a word. Had to go and look it up in my Oxford paperback dictionary and thesaurus I had at the time I first (and last) heard it. That's always an option, I guess, to go and look it up. English is my first foreign language so I find those rarer words more difficult. I don't even think it exists in my language, we just say "next -to-last".

demirose87 · 13/01/2018 13:23

name change fail again sorry

derangedmermaid · 13/01/2018 13:38

It sounds like you almost think you're better than him. Of the conversation is lacking why don't you steer it in a more compelling direction?

My DP isn't as booksmart as I am but I find him to be the best conversation I've had in a while, we've had brilliant discussions on feminism and politics and I find if there's something he doesn't 'get' we discuss it together.
He's always in awe of how smart he thinks I am but I'm in awe of how awesome he is so it evens out. He's once or twice said maybe I would be happier with someone smarter than a "dumb grunt" like him but never have I ever thought that. I wouldn't change him for the world.

Leigha3 · 13/01/2018 13:48

I wouldn't undervalued the importance of a partner with high emotional intelligence because so many people seem to fall short there. He sounds great in so many other ways that I'm not sure why it's a big deal if he's somewhat less intelligent then you are overall.

PoisonousSmurf · 13/01/2018 13:50

Yes, you really do need someone of equal intelligence. I had a boyfriend who was great at sex and looked amazing, but he couldn't read or write and didn't even want to try. So, yes he got dumped.
(Turns out that he was violent as well, I got away just in time).

bfgdreamtree · 13/01/2018 17:34

No. You need to enjoy talking to them and have similar values. That's all

But you aren't going to enjoy talking to them for the rest of your life if you have very different intellectual abilities, are you? I'm not going to share my most important values with them either, since one of them is education (either formal or self educating).

Tansilie · 14/01/2018 00:03

bfgdreamtree

My partner has different core values and different intellect. It's possible, though perhaps not the thing for you.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/01/2018 01:40

It's quite a slippery thing to define what 'intelligence' means, though. There are people who can do a million complicated sums and tell you how to launch a rocket to Mars, but they couldn't make a cup of tea without burning themselves, and have to be reminded to put pants on before opening the door. There are people who spend their days walking other people's dogs and sorting out other people's gardens because they stuffed up their GCSEs, but who can also give you a critical analysis of why half the UK voted for Brexit and what the current government should do next.

There are couples who happily fall into roles of Clever one and Kind one, or Gorgeous one and High Earning one, but most people need to find enough mutual ground, whether that's joint interests or mutual respect.

eastlondoner · 14/01/2018 02:16

It doesn't have to matter. But it does to me, It's nothing to do with education attained but to do with general intelligence. If I was with someone I thought was just 'thick' it wouldn't have lasted.

StillTryingHard · 14/01/2018 02:21

It friends whether you mean educated; culturally savvy (well read, likes films); knowledgeable (history, art); or able to think critically & analyse a problem.

I think you can each have one or more of these - but if one partner has zero of these then there isn't much to base a relationship on.

But give it time - you may need to find each other's level. Can you enjoy a meaningful evening without sex? Can you talk?

EmmaGrundyForPM · 14/01/2018 02:29

Dh and I are very different intellectually. He is super bright, and I'm very aware that I'm not on the same scale. However, we both enjoy discussing politics, books, films etc. We both enjoy walking together at weekends, or visiting art exhibitions, or just slobbing out together. It can work.

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/01/2018 02:36

I find it important, and I think that's to my detriment. I could be with the kindest guy in the world and if he couldn't keep up in an intellectual conversation I would lose respect for him. Which is stupid. I like friends who aren't up to that sort of interaction just fine. I can and do get that sort of stimulation from other people. Why I find I need it from a partner more than I need kindness really bothers me. I've married someone who is around my level so I don't have to think about it now. However, it has occurred to me that I was drastically cutting down the pool of great guys by having such a stupid requirement for a long-term partner, I would certainly try and overcome it if I found myself looking again. I don't have a solution for you OP, it's not a good idea for either of you to be in a relationship where one of you isn't getting what you need from it and I don't know how you would change your approach so it wasn't a need, but I would advise trying.

shadowfax07 · 14/01/2018 02:52

DP and I have very different academic results, but we both have an 'engineering' brain. We rub along together very well, and rarely argue.

He would say that I'm more intelligent than he is, I'd say that my strengths lie in different but complimentary areas to his. We frequently finish each others sentences, or have the same idea at the same time. The sex could be better, but I'd rather have an intellectually challenging relationship, rather than a physically challenging one.

juliesaway · 14/01/2018 04:03

What kind of intelligence? . My partner is not a PhD but has practical common sense in spades. I find that more attractive than being able to talk about theory on a day to day basis....

Abbylee · 14/01/2018 04:32

Whatever bothers you now, if you marry, will bother you 1000xs more. The exact thing my dh did the day that I met him still annoys me 30 years later. We don't change much if something is innate.

Also, I would say that dc intelligence is a probable formula of average btwn parents? +/- a bit?

echt · 14/01/2018 04:41

It's important for me, as are politics/voting.

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