To ask if you need a partner to be of equal intelligence?

[rockcity]

I got together with a new partner recently and for the most part it's been awesome. He's fantastic and we get on and bond in a very basic underlying level - there's something that's just right. In addition to that, sex is incredible - best ever - and we love each other very dearly. He's a great guy. Only niggle that sometimes causes me pause for thought - I don't think we're on the same level intellectually. I'm not of the school that thinks romantic partners need to be everything to one another, yet as I've noticed this it has come as something of a disappointment to me. But does it have to matter? And is it something that can be worked on, is it even necessarily important when everything else is great? He has the edge on me in so many other ways - emotional intelligence, practicality, stability, etc. and is charming and extremely likeable socially. He's a wonderful guy and on a visceral level we just match so well. Can it work?

Some might say that you shouldn't expect one person to be everything to you and give you all you need (which is perfectly true) but there's a difference between eg having a group of friends who share your particular obsession (whether that's ancient Greek poetry or robotics or pub quizzes) because your partner doesn't... and sliding into the mindset that your partner is a thicko but that's OK because s/he is kind, useful, sexy etc and sort of more like a child/pet than an equal.

I couldn't be in a relationship with a non reader.

Every relationship I've had I've got bored for this very reason. I'm now on my own because I just can't handle someone who isn't at the same level as me. I realise that I'm up myself and have never confessed this in real life!!

bambam the diagrams reflect or demonstrate differences in learning styles and are not at all related to perceived intelligence.

I think for me, active listening and a desire to hear or understand the other person is massively helpful, regardless of intelligence or level of education.

Reanimated interesting point re the gaps in intelligence and how men perceive these ... my exH used my different processing and approach to problem solving to put me down, to belittle and i think he was intimidated. I found myself shutting down in order to deal with him and his ways.

i did call him on his behaviour, that i believed he was being sexist. that didn't go well. He used my strengths as a proverbial stick to beat me with. I spent years in counselling to try and untangle my behaviours, his reactions and how i could be more supportive. Big mistake.

That was cathartic!

OP only you know if his percevied intellectual difference are so great as to be a deal breaker. Depends on your life situation too, I guess, whether you have kids/been married before etc. You might choose differently at different points in your life..

Each to their own, but I would find it very frustrating. I'm not too bothered about educational background (meaning I wouldn't think someone with a number of degrees was automatically smarter than someone who didn't go to uni, and I wouldn't be impressed/put off by either background), but I am bothered about someone's desire to learn new things and improve themselves. I also wouldn't be attracted to someone who doesn't even have a vague interest in what's going on in the world!

yy coffee

I am bothered about someone's desire to learn new things and improve themselves. I also wouldn't be attracted to someone who doesn't even have a vague interest in what's going on in the world!

I do, yes, but obviously everyone is different. Have to say in most couples I know who have been together for years, they almost all have equal intelligence levels. Not necessarily formal qualifications, but same general level.

I’m educated to Masters level, my partner to A level. We are definitely intellectually equal, with differing strengths and weaknesses across the board.

I don’t think I could be with someone I didn’t consider to be my equal, in all respects. Nor would I want to be with someone who perceived me to not be their own equal.

My parents have been together more than 40 years and still seem very happy, despite very different levels of 'intelligence' - my dad genius level professor, my mum SAHM/former primary school teacher. On many subjects they do not converse at the same 'level' but seem happy with it, I guess my dad gets those conversations with his kids and his colleagues, and my mum has many, many friends to talk to about whatever she likes. What they are totally agreed on is general outlook on life and priorities (the GC, mostly!).

Soso. Exactly the same here. My exh felt intimidated by my intelligence and also used it as a stick to beat me. If for any reason I couldn't do something I was told I was all brains and no common sense! I've had years of counselling to get my confidence back ( he was an abuser in other ways too) and I still don't want to enter another relationship, 9 years later, because I know I would be bored. Even day to day interactions leave me thinking that I'm never going to know someone who "gets me"

I think this is important. My ex-dh was a bit simpler than me and it was embarrassing for me in social situations especially as he thinks he is clever... he would ask stupid questions at drs appointments, nursery’s etc. X

You say nothing about what skills he does have. Sounds to me like you don’t love him you love the way he makes you feel and the physical aspects. If you can’t appreciate him for who he is then let the poor man get on with his life. It’s not fair to him.

You need to be able to talk together but that’s not necessarily whose the smartest but shared interests and likes.

Also ‘visceral’ lol whilst I appreciate the manner in which it’s being used it always makes me think of guts 🤢

Intelligence and in particular curiosity about the world and how it works yes. Academic inclination and achievement, no.

That said, I did once go out w a very intelligent and capable guy who'd left school at 16 and it didn't work out because the fact I had a degree and held a "professional" job made him feel insecure.

I’m a bit on the fence - on paper DH and I are not on the same intellectual level. I’ve got ‘perfect’ GCSE and A level results and a First from Cambridge in my undergraduate degree plus postgraduate degrees. He’s got a few Cs at GCSE, a couple of Ds at A level and dropped out of uni twice. We have a perfectly happy relationship and I respect him fully as a partner and person.

BUT - he is very quick. He picks up on things at least as quickly as I do, and he is funny and interesting to talk to. He’s well-informed on current affairs and bases his political and other views on careful reading and analysis. He’s not a great reader in terms of actually reading but listens to audio books constantly so is ‘well-read’. He is also totally ok with the fact that I’m better educated than him and though I’m still a student at the moment likely to overtake his salary within three years of starting work. In fact he values my intelligence and enjoys it. If all the above wasn’t true I don’t think I could be in the relationship.

So - I don’t think things like degrees or IQ tests matter, but I do think you need a partner you can talk to and engage with on an intellectual level, and who respects your intelligence. And you need to be able to respect them. I don’t think I could live with someone dull .

Happy couples talk and respect each other so sounds like it might end up being an issue for you. If you have kids you don’t get out much so need to be able to talk to each other (I mean evenings and weekends).

DH and I are in the same level I think, he’s pure neurotypical and I am dyslexic as kcuf. He probably thinks he is cleverer than me, being a man, but is clever enough to hide it.

Differences in level of education or attainment, differences in IQ and opinion are manageable to me. For me the deal breaker is a difference in how someone thinks, not what they think. So an analytical, critical thinker of lower intelligence is preferable to someone who uses their senses, or relies on knowledge, received wisdom, common sense or emotional subjectivity. I am not impressed with facts, with pieces of paper or financial success. I'm drawn to philosophy, science, the philosophy of mathematics, politics, ethics, and economics, in contrast law would bore me ridgid. So, for me it's not what you think or what you know, it's how you think you know what you think you know! I react very badly with sensors and people who believe in rules, and people who let their emotions do their thinking for them.

Why would a professor and a SAHM necessarily be incompatible?! There must have been a hell of a lot of incompatible couples in previous generations!

I think in today's nuclear families where you expect to be your spouse's friend , then it is essential that you are on a similar wavelength. As pps have said, actual academic achievement is neither here nor there (degrees are ten a penny these days, anyway and are meaningless) but an inability to grasp things would be a deal-breaker for me.

Furthermore intelligence is 60% heritable, so if you want children of a similar type to you then pick a partner carefully! There's a reason why in all those cheesy films the handsome carpenter guy from back home with the truck and dog is actually a lapsed human rights lawyer - it means brain as well as brawn.

I agree, intelligence can't necessarily be measured with the level of education one has. And there are many aspects to intelligence, so it's not that easily defined either. But in a nutshell, i would say categorically yes. In fact I just had this conversation with my 17 yr old last week, having broken up with her bf of one year. Both in the same year at school, but she had become to realise that they were different, and his lower level of intellectuality was one of the things she had struggled with. She felt they were heading in different directions because of it. I also dated a guy once, lovely in every way, and we had such fun together. But in the end, we just drifted apart as we were intellectually on different planes, and our interests were becoming too obviously different.

Oh OP I totally get that and I’m going to sound like a right arsehole by admitting that my OH isn’t really on the same intellectual level as me. Academically he’s very bright and successful but there’s a difference in emotional intelligence and he totally lacks common sense and spatial awareness, rationality or logic. He has no interest in discussing deep abstract things, or anything serious really and would rather talk about his favourite band’s singer’s breed of dog or some other useless random fact (except in pub quizzes). He gives good cuddles tho and makes a mean cup of tea.

I would say me and DH are both of equal intelligence but both in entirely different ways. It works well for us and we can have interesting discussions about things we have different views on. However we both agree on fundamental stuff.

My ex was a dimwit and it drove me bloody mad.

DP is proper smart, has a very good analytical brain and it gives us so much more to talk about.

When you get to our age, stimulating conversation is more important than a stimulating sex life.

Aveatquevale yeah it's not like that - I get frustrated that he's not as quick as me. I couldn't give a fuck about degrees or titles in those terms.

It depends - it probably matters to some people more than others. Both intelligence and level of education in a partner matter a lot to me. I'd want to be able to have intelligent conversation with a partner on all sorts of topics, have a shared love of literature, an ability to discuss current affairs and more philosophical things too. I can't imagine having ever got together with anyone who wasn't like that tbh. Things like emotional intelligence, though important, are an entirely different thing imo.

My partner has no GCSEs and hasn't read a book since primary school. He reads 'The Sun' and takes it as gospel.

I am more academically intelligent/emotionally intelligent than he, although he's far more practical and handy. He'll be the one changing lightbulbs or trying to fix something. I think his problem is that nothing much sparks his interest.

Sometimes he attempts to use words that he uses completely incorrectly - "flamboyant pufferfish", which always leads to much hilarity.

But I love him. He loves me. Generally, we rub along quite nicely, and have the odd joke about how mismatched we are. He buys me loads of books...

I'm a member of Mensa, so yes, my husband on paper has a lower intelligence level than me. He's still a smart guy, but I'll be honest I do find it frustrating when he can't work something out as quickly as I can. i do get the occasional ffs just give it to me moment and he gets pissed about my lack of patience.

But if he was, well slightly dim, I'd not be able to hack it. He is more intelligent than me in other ways. Emotional intelligence is one of those ways. He's calmer and more sensible too. His general knowledge is also better.

I think if you're finding it frustrating already, then it can't work. Because uou don't want to end up looking down on him.