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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you need a partner to be of equal intelligence?

118 replies

rockcity · 12/01/2018 13:39

I got together with a new partner recently and for the most part it's been awesome. He's fantastic and we get on and bond in a very basic underlying level - there's something that's just right. In addition to that, sex is incredible - best ever - and we love each other very dearly. He's a great guy. Only niggle that sometimes causes me pause for thought - I don't think we're on the same level intellectually. I'm not of the school that thinks romantic partners need to be everything to one another, yet as I've noticed this it has come as something of a disappointment to me. But does it have to matter? And is it something that can be worked on, is it even necessarily important when everything else is great? He has the edge on me in so many other ways - emotional intelligence, practicality, stability, etc. and is charming and extremely likeable socially. He's a wonderful guy and on a visceral level we just match so well. Can it work?

OP posts:
Original poster
rockcity · 12/01/2018 13:57

EDIT - I am not talking about a difference in education. In this case it is a sense of being bored sometimes that we don't discuss abstract ideas or whatever in the depth I do with friends. Or he's not super sharp in that sense. But definitely has wisdom and insight and is very perceptive and emotionally intelligent.

OP posts:
sirlee66 · 12/01/2018 13:58

There are so many different levels of intelligence.

Perhaps this guy might not be as smart at you academically, but he might be far smarter than you in other ways!

After all, If you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, you'll never see how good it is at swimming.

dragoncave · 12/01/2018 13:58

there are different types and levels of intelligence, but I think to be at completely different ends of the spectrum could be a problem. I think the question of whether you enjoy conversation with him is important.

ToastyFingers · 12/01/2018 13:59

I'm quite bright, and I love never having to explain myself to DH.

We love talking to eachother too, often for hours on end if wine has been had, and i just dont think you can have properly stimulating conversations with someone much less intelligent than youtself.

Paddington68 · 12/01/2018 14:00

My DP and I are both university educated, but my subject/s are much more general knowledge and his are language based. Therefore if we were at a pub quiz I'd give you more correct answers, but, if there was water pouring through our hotel ceiling in France/Spanish/Germany he would be invaluable.

HazelBite · 12/01/2018 14:02

I have been married for 40 years to someone who has a lower IQ than me, (he is not thick by any means) Has it made a difference? No, (quite emphatically), he has so many other qualities, and we think the world of one another, its not something I have ever thought about much because so many other things in our relationship are just so right.

Original poster
rockcity · 12/01/2018 14:02

Paddington - it's like that actually

Actually I find that I don't feel stimulated in conversation sometimes. That doesn't seem good. I so want to be with him. I love him.

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 12/01/2018 14:03

I can't imagine being with someone I didn't think was clever and able to talk about big ideas. But then I think intelligence is a huge part of humour, and humour is a massive part of sexiness for me. I never want to shag anyone who doesn't make me laugh, and someone who isn't quick and deft-minded (in my opinion - these things are, of course, subjective!) never makes me laugh.

I think being with someone long term who you didn't think could keep up with you intellectually would become really frustrating and boring, and it would be hard not to find yourself attracted to someone who you could have those conversations with.

ToastyFingers · 12/01/2018 14:03

Similarly, a close friend of mine and his DW are, by their own admission, not very bright, and whilst they love eachother dearly, the have no interest in long conversations or discussions.

I think as long as you are evenly matched then it's all good.

whiskyowl · 12/01/2018 14:03

Yes, intelligence is really important to me. But that's not the same thing as education. I know some very highly educated idiots, and I know some people with no GCSEs who are intellectually shit hot. In my experinece, ost of the people who openly claim intelligence massively overrate their abilities (and sometimes also their level of education), and most of those who say they are not intelligent are underrating themselves.

Original poster
rockcity · 12/01/2018 14:04

Margaretcavendish - we laugh together so much - but I do at times find myself becoming bored and frustrated.

OP posts:
Youngmystery · 12/01/2018 14:05

Yeah you do. My partners previous relationship didnt survive because his ex was less intelligent than him. Seen it happen in other relationships too.

Its just an incompatibility, like if one person has a dark sense of humour and the other hates that. Its not a bad thing, just preferences.

KalaLaka · 12/01/2018 14:11

In this case it is a sense of being bored sometimes that we don't discuss abstract ideas or whatever in the depth I do with friends

You already feel bored and frustrated... I think you know that this is not right for you. I would feel exactly the same. Arguing, and sorting out disagreements, may also end up being frustrating as he won't understand the way you'll put things across.

Consider how you choose your friends. You need all of that plus attraction.

Fink · 12/01/2018 14:11

Yes, this would be the most important thing for me in a relationship (close friendship, partner etc.). I honestly don't think I could be with someone who wasn't of similar (or higher) intelligence to me. Both in terms of being able to discuss ideas and in being interested in a variety of subjects - I admit the latter isn't strictly tied to intelligence but it does seem to be related.

I would also find it very hard to sustain a relationship with someone who couldn't argue properly and dispassionately. There are people in my family like this and it's so frustrating to try to have a debate with someone who keeps trotting out clichéd logical fallacies. There's no way I would accept that in a partner.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 12/01/2018 14:12

Is it possible that this is not a question of intelligence, but more of personality? He could be intelligent, wise, rational etc but if he doesn't have a lively wit and interest in learning new stuff about the world and discussing it with you, then you might end up bored.

In any case I don't think it is going to change - it is who he is, after all. However you could always stay for the excellent sex and just have the lively discussions with other people...

Royalfuckup · 12/01/2018 14:12

How lucky have you been together?

You may find the longer you are in a relationship, you’ll open each other’s minds.

For example, I have a friend who would have scoffed at the idea of ever going to the ballet before he met his partner. But because she actually is a dancer, he absolutely loves it now!

Fink · 12/01/2018 14:17

Just read what I wrote and to clarify: I don't think the ability to argue properly is linked to intelligence. I just think it's another (different) thing I would not be prepared to put up with in a relationship.

crochetmonkey69 · 12/01/2018 14:19

Yes, for me it is important, not in formal education sense but in an intellectual curiosity way. I have been with someone who was unable to have a discussion, or explore ideas and opinion as he just wasn't interested in reading, or discussing. He was a lovely man, emotionally intelligent and caring but I felt under stimulated and bored. It was like being with an acquaintance, like parts of a full life were 'out of bounds'
I really need to be with someone who has the same level of intellectual curiosity, listening and talking skills as me.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/01/2018 14:19

I think it matters, too. I couldn't be bothered to date someone who just... never thinks about anything much, or has no conversation other than TV programmes or sports.

It can also be a problem in a heterosexual relationship if the woman is the clever one. The man might start to resent her (or might have resented her intelligence from the start) and get abusive - constant needling and teasing about Miss Brainbox or whatever, telling her she's 'showing off' and 'doesn't respect' other people when they are actually profoundly stupid...

But it isn't about education, and it isn't necessarily about being an expert in the same field. If one of you is a stand up comedian and the other a biochemist, you can still respect and learn from and live happily with one another, if you both have similar values and attitudes.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/01/2018 14:20

Very important.
It will be frustrating in the long run if he can't keep up in a conversation. You need to be on the same wavelength, wherever that wavelength is.
Some people on this thread are confusing education, or knowledge with intelligence. Those things don't matter.

MrsPepperpot79 · 12/01/2018 14:21

I am more formally educated than DP, but his grasp of the practical and his mental maths massively outstrips mine. It sometimes means a discussion on a subject will leave me frustrated - and I have no doubt he sometimes feels the same. But we laugh together, and work well together which is kind of the point. Although I find his constant malaproprisms kinda irritating....

FluffyWuffy100 · 12/01/2018 14:22

I am not the same level as DP. His IQ is geneus levels and his ability to grasp complex issues, problem solve etc is far in excess of mine. He also has exception power, politics and negotiation skills.

It is probably a bit annoying for him, he get to answers quicker and grasps situations quicker than me.

It is also a bit annoying for me because everything has to be thought through carefully and all options weighted up to make sure the optimal decision is taken. There is no room for impulse in his brain.

I also find it very frustrating because he wants to understand everything so I get endless questions about something when that is inconsequential (in my view) to the story I’m telling.

I’m pretty clever, 1st class degree, very successful in a professional environment - but he is another level.

If the difference was any bigger in our intellect level I think it would be a problem.

I’m not sure being as clever as he is is neseserily great. It allows you to see clearly more problems with the world!

Allthewaves · 12/01/2018 14:22

No not important to me. I have brilliant friends I an be all questioning and insightful with. I love my dh for who he is and the way he is. I low him even more that he tries so hard with our kids.

I'd take kind and funny and willing to listen over intelligence

whiskyowl · 12/01/2018 14:47

"It can also be a problem in a heterosexual relationship if the woman is the clever one. The man might start to resent her (or might have resented her intelligence from the start) and get abusive - constant needling and teasing about Miss Brainbox or whatever, telling her she's 'showing off' and 'doesn't respect' other people when they are actually profoundly stupid..."

It's not even always that overtly abusive. I suspect that some men who are highly intelligent, and who self-identify as such sub-consciously resist the idea that a woman could be more intelligent than they are. In my experience, they tend to underrate female peers and to overrate male ones and there is an element of highly gendered ego protection in this. I don't think many of these men would consciously admit that they think in this way - maybe they aren't even aware of it - but they do all the same. I've witnessed it a lot from male professors.

I can remember the moment when my DH realised I was as bright as he was, and better educated. I was watching very, very carefully and the very first reaction was not one of delight but one of horror, which was quickly submerged beneath better feelings from a better side of him. He did get over it, and quickly too, but it made me realised how deep-seated this is, and how even some men who are fully aware of gender issues and feminism have this side of themselves deep inside that feels entitled to be the best.

weepingangel12 · 12/01/2018 14:50

I think I'd be terribly bored by someone who was not very intelligent. What would you talk about?

You don't have to be formally well educated to be intelligent at all. But I do find intelligent people tend to be self taught in some things. My OH is far less educated than me but is a huge reader and knows so much about so many things because he chooses to learn. He's fascinating and interesting.

Its not something that you need to care about, but if you do care about it, thats fine.