To ask if you need a partner to be of equal intelligence?

[rockcity]

I got together with a new partner recently and for the most part it's been awesome. He's fantastic and we get on and bond in a very basic underlying level - there's something that's just right. In addition to that, sex is incredible - best ever - and we love each other very dearly. He's a great guy. Only niggle that sometimes causes me pause for thought - I don't think we're on the same level intellectually. I'm not of the school that thinks romantic partners need to be everything to one another, yet as I've noticed this it has come as something of a disappointment to me. But does it have to matter? And is it something that can be worked on, is it even necessarily important when everything else is great? He has the edge on me in so many other ways - emotional intelligence, practicality, stability, etc. and is charming and extremely likeable socially. He's a wonderful guy and on a visceral level we just match so well. Can it work?

There has to be stuff you can discuss and stuff you can laugh about together, and then respect for each other on other subjects.
I might have said when younger that I couldn't be with a non-reader. And then got with DH who is severely dyslexic. He doesn't read for fun but does like similar TV documentaries, and likes to hear about what I've been reading. He also takes some interest in current events which I obsess over, so sometimes will ask "tell me about Syria /the elections in X /that fire in Y". He is very mathematical and practical and I will ask him for advice (he mostly manages not to be patronising) and it's a standing joke that when stuck in traffic he can carry on trying to explain to me how a car engine works (he suspects I'm being wilfully obtuse. I'm really not.)

We both like restaurant meals and chatting and have a couple hobbies in common and others where we send the other out to do the hobby alone. Mostly a good balance and worked for 25 years now.

I think it does make life that bit easier if your partner is on the same level as you,intelligence wise. Otherwise you(or they,as the case may be) find themselves frequently having to 'dumb down' their conversations,etc. It can end up causing ill feeling..

I think that I could only be with someone who was on a similar level to me. I have a high IQ, went to Oxbridge etc. but I don't think I could date someone who was a genius (friends of mine who got double starred first class degrees etc.) because it would make my brain tired and they wouldn't want to watch trashy American tv with me! Equally I went out with someone who was significantly less intelligent than me and he bored me and spent a lot of time knocking my degree, my job etc.

I was a high flyer academically. My dh really struggled. But there are many types of intelligence. He is practical, good at cooking and gardening, instinctive with nature, amazing space awareness, good at driving, good at DIY, keeps up with the news, interested in science... in lots of ways he is much more intelligent than me, just not with language/ maths/ music.

I had this issue with my XP, he was pretty well educated, very emotionally intelligent and we could have good conversations, but he was just really slow at getting day to day stuff sometimes, it drove me mad to have the same conversation over and over again. I also felt other people who didn't know him (my friends) didn't see the more deep intelligent stuff about him, which shouldn't really affect me I guess but did. We split up, but I do really wonder whether I made a mistake, as in most ways it's the best relationship I've had. I've not been very well recently and he's been brilliant. It's so hard to know what's best.

sirlee66 'After all, If you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, you'll never see how good it is at swimming'. Great quote!

OP perhaps you're just not compatible. You say you love him but find it frustrating to converse with him. What exactly do you love about him if you don't really click? Realistically how do you expect to be with him long term if this is how you feel now?

As an aside, I'm sure he'd be delighted that you think you're intellectually superior to him. How would you feel if he was saying on a forum that he loved you, but sometimes he feels that you think you're too smart for him and you make him feel stupid? Not nice is it?

I don't think it's meant to be, but please don't tell him he's not smart enough for you

Ah yes as a PP said, if you are going to have kids together it is important.

I choose DH as he is maths clever, spelling clever, general knowledge mad, never late neurotypical to give my children the best chance of balancing up my dyslexic heritage. It’s kinda worked, and also he want help them with all their homework and maths stuff. He knows alll the people, and knows all the stuffs. It is sexy as hell. And very useful

There are two equally valid answers to this question. Both “yes, it’s really important and a big part of a relationship” and “no single person can fulfill all your needs - if he’s right for you in all other ways you can join a book club or do an online course or whatever to stimulate your intellect” could be true. Only you can decide, OP!

I think DH and me are fairly well matched for intelligence (all be it in different areas). I'm now wondering who our friends would say is more intelligent... and judging them for that obvs

I think it all ties into shared interests and humour - intelligence seems to go hand in hand with that.

I used to be a massive intellectual snob and to confuse brains with learning. My boyfriend before DP got the top a level in the country in one of his subjects and 4 others A's; he came top of his year at Cambridge; and he earned an absolute fortune doing a job that precious few people could do. I loved his intellect.

But he was also socially very awkward; was put on anti-depressants at 16; had very few friends; said he made not a single friend in 4 years at Cambridge and nearly committed suicide twice; had been in therapy for years (at an eye watering cost, I was v suspicious of that therapist) - and over half his emails/texts to me were about how sad or down he was feeling. It was all about him and his needs and his wants, because although he loved me (or what I did for him maybe!), he was simply incapable of thinking much about anyone else's needs. And the one before that, who was an Oxford educated partner in a city law firm... what a coke snorting face slapping (mine, not his) alcoholic wreck he was.

whereas DP left school at 16 and is now a sahd, but is bright as you can tell when you talk to him. he looks after me and he makes me laugh and he's v thoughtful. Yes I'm the academic one with the career. No it makes no difference. I was looking for the wrong things before, I think!

LOVE the fish quote!!

I must keep remembering that as I know I will have a terrible tendency to expect my children to be academic like i was - I guess because I got praised for it, so associate it with being good! - and I need to get over that in case they aren't at all.

It’s hugely important. The sex, the good looks, the novelty all fade a little over time. What remains in an enduring relationship is common interests, an ongoing ability to engage and amuse each other and an ability to communicate at the same level. Would anyone want to go through life thinking they were intellectually inferior to their spouse? Would you want children with a lesser ability gene pool?
I’m having a think about our friends now and thinking most are quite well matched. In the couple of cases where they aren’t, it’s the woman who is dimmer. In these two cases the woman seems content enough but who knows what goes on behind closed doors. Both of the woman I’m thinking of are reasonable bright and well educated ( primary head and principal legal officer) but don’t have the speed of wit and wide intellect that their husband’s do.
I guess it depends on the extent of the difference and how this manifests.

My DH appears cleverer than me on paper. I don't find he is in reality though. He can do maths and computers far more easily than me, but he can't 'philosophise' like I can, or visualise a room scheme and pull it all together, or cook without a recipe, or be as creative as me in general. Therefore neither of us feels superior to the other so we get along well, we have similar education levels and social background which I think helps too with the feeling of equality.

I did once have a boyfriend who I felt was intellectually superior to. He was a really great guy, kind, good looking, popular etc. but he just seemed to struggle to think on the same wavelength as me and my group of friends at the time and he wasn't able to comprehend jokes we shared, or participate in discussions with any level of insight. Needless to say I knew it wouldn't work and ended it.

I don't think you need exact academic intelligence, but if there's such a thing as social intelligence then I think it's important. My partner is more academic than me, he knows a lot about science and can answer almost any maths question, whereas I struggle. However we have similar "social intelligence" and have good conversation and discussions.
My previous partner had low intelligence and we weren't a good match. He didn't understand sarcasm and catchphrases and took everything literally. His social skills were poor, I think due to low academic inrelligence. He struggled with day to day things and I would have to advise him on things, which became infuriating for me as we weren't on the same level.

That's exactly what I was trying to say demi, it's not about academia but about whether you feel someone is your equal mentally.

I think the minute you think you are more intelligent than your partner is the minute it's over.

I think not understanding sarcasm is a great indicator of low intelligence. The boyfriend I mentioned earlier that I dumped never got sarcasm.

I work in a school and the brightest children always get sarcasm and irony at a young age.

OP: In this case it is a sense of being bored sometimes that we don't discuss abstract ideas or whatever in the depth I do with friends. Or he's not super sharp in that sense.

I guess my partner has this problem with me because I simply zone out if things get too "academic" or abstract.

How do you measure intelligence? The Mensa test? Being able to solve a differential equation? Being able to survive in the woods if dropped there without tools and only a rudimentary map? Being able to discuss Kant? (As a side-note in that regard (philosophy) you could search for "Edgar Morin: Seven Complex Lessons in Education" - I think it might interest you.)

I had a boss who was able to solve almost any IRL problem or issue thrown at him but who never discussed "academically". But rather was the type of guy you'd like to bring along if you're in a small sailing boat and a storm is suddenly blowing up, or if you're setting up a new venture in some faraway continent and have to start negotiating on business terms with people.

For me, it's vocabulary. I've known some people who've reacted badly if I used a word they weren't familiar with - they knew that I'd telepathically scanned their entire vocabularies, and with malice aforethought, had deliberately chosen a word they didn't know, in order to make them look like a cunt.
Oh, words like 'capacious', 'deflect', 'rudimentary', 'consecutive'.
It's, 'What's that when it's at home?'. 'Someone's swallowed a dictionary.'
It's good to talk!

no blunt tools !!

I prefer having a partner who is more intelligent than me. I found I didn't respect previous partners as much if they were less bright than me. Obviously it was fine to begin with but my lack of respect appeared over time.

at the lesser gene pool comment. 2 bright parents do not guarantee a particularly bright child - my ex at university had parents who each had a PhD from Cambridge, but he struggled to get a 2:2. Similarly some very bright people come from not remotely academic backgrounds. And 2 very good looking people can have an average looking child and vice versa. Genes are complicated!

They don't guarantee it, but it very much helps.

He needs to be smart enough that you can communicate and share things together. He doesn't need to be AS smart as you, as long as he's smart enough to keep up. In fact if you're extremely intelligent you could spend your whole life looking for someone who's as smart as you (with whom there's also mutual attraction) and never finding anyone.

It's all very well saying 'Yes but emotional intelligence is more important' or 'I had a super-intelligent boyfriend, but he was unstable'. But it's not either or. There are surely plenty of intelligent people who are also emotionally intelligent and not unstable. Nobody chooses a partner based on one single attribute, ignorung all others (if they have any sense!).

No. You need to enjoy talking to them and have similar values. That's all.
I enjoy a good debate. However lots of my work colleagues (highly educated academics) don't like debates either, nor do they take any interest in politics or current affairs, and are pretty dull to talk to, although they are perfectly nice.
Lots of my good friends are much less intelligent than me but they are quick witted and lively which makes them fun.

Sounds like the op is getting intelligence mixed up with personality