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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to ask how you decide how much board to charge adult DC

113 replies

5foot5 · 12/01/2018 12:41

Not so much an AIBU as a query to other parents with adult DC about how you decided on a reasonable amount for them to contribute in "board".

DD (22) will soon be starting her first proper job. She has had various part-time and temporary things in the past but will soon be starting a real, full-time job with a decent salary. Although she hasn't restricted her search to the local area it just so happens that this job is quite close so she can live at home. That's great - we all get on well and it is lovely to have her here.

She has said (completely unprompted by us) that when she starts work she wants to start making a financial contribution for her keep. I think that is a good idea for all sorts of reasons, even though we don't exactly need the money, however I don't know how we decide on an amount.

I don't want to suggest something too small in case she feels patronised but, at the same time, we are her parents not her landlords so I don't want to be making money out of her. As a student she lived away in a different city so she is used to being independent and paying her way but I feel that living at home ought to be cheaper than being in your own place so she has the opportunity to save up for other things.

She does contribute to the household in other ways, i.e. she doesn't sit about expecting to be waited on but will muck in with housework, laundry, cooking etc.

So could I ask how some of you approached this issue with your own adult, working DC?

OP posts:
HipNewName · 12/01/2018 21:49

So much depends on what the young adult is like and on your whole situation. One of our DDs is now a young adult with a full time job, lives at home, and does not pay rent. She's very sensible with money and gives herself an allowance each week, and then puts the remaining money in the bank. She's saving up to buy her own place. If she wants to spend money beyond her allowance, she talks to us and asks our advice.

IamtheOrpheliac · 13/01/2018 03:14

Does your DD have an amount in mind?

I moved back in with DM last year to do my nursing degree (we live a short train journey from the university town), I pay £200 a month and do some of the food shopping. If I'm living at home after qualifying and getting a full time job, I would want to be contributing more.

I don't know how I'd feel if I found out she was saving the money to give back to me (which I know she's not), I feel like I would rather she spent any excess on herself and my DSF. That said, I'm reasonably good at saving money, my DB on the other hand could really do with someone who could save money for him!

midnightmooch · 13/01/2018 08:52

One of my neighbours charged their dcs money and saved it for a deposit. DC (28) bought a flat and lived in it for 6 months before realising that it would be a lot more profitable and convenient for him to get rent for his flat and move back in with his parents.

They were not impressed, this generation seem to really struggle to grow up!

ToesInWater · 13/01/2018 10:31

I never paid to live at home, I would never charge my kids to live at home. My parents had very little money (and I never had a job that paid much when I lived there), now we don't need our kids' money. I understand how lucky that makes us but we are family. We help each other according to our ability whether that means money, helping around the house, emotional support, whatever.

AtSea1979 · 13/01/2018 10:35

If she has a car to run then i’d take 30% if she doesn’t then i’d take 40% and save 20% to give back to her when she moves out.

HipNewName · 13/01/2018 14:13

this generation seem to really struggle to grow up!

People used to live with their parents or other relatives until there was a reason to live on their own -- such as getting married, or studying or working in another city. I don't see the value in living alone. I don't think it makes much sense from an emotional point of view. In human history, the period of time when people moved out the second they possibly could was just a little bleeb.

The changes in the economy over the past few years have really impacted this. Many young adults have a lot of school debt, higher home cost, and less prospects of overall job growth during their careers than those of us who are old more mature.

Besides, I don't define "growing up" as living by one's self. It's possible to be a responsible young person and yet live with other human beings with whom one has a close connection.

Allthewaves · 13/01/2018 14:21

I'd look at what the going rate is on Gumtree for a room in a house share to guide you.

HolidayHelpPlease · 13/01/2018 14:21

My parents charged me 20% of my take home for food, bed and board once out of education and I thought this was great; I have a younger brother and we have vastly different salaries so this seemed like the fairest option. I don’t agree with adult children not paying their own way even if you can afford to not have them contribute- I’m 23 (I was 22 when I moved out) I’m an adult, and expected to be treated like one in my home, therefore I needed to contribute as an adult would. Has also made the lifestyle change between living with my parents and moving out on my own less drastic - plus I love that when I lived at home my parent had the spare cash to do things they wanted to.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 14/01/2018 08:42

Why is everyone talking about saving up to buy?

What happened to bedsits and house shares?

I found that baffling when I taught FE.. they all said they weren't leaving home until they could afford what their parents had, 3-beds, big ticket electrical items etc. And their parents were instrumental in developing that fantasy! I never did understand that?

rightsaidfrederickII · 14/01/2018 09:50

Is there a reason she's not just moving straight into a shared house? I wouldn't have moved back home after uni if you'd paid me.

I'd take market rate for a flatshare and bills off her so she doesn't get used to unrealistic income levels, and secretly save it for a first house deposit.

rightsaidfrederickII · 14/01/2018 09:51

@Curious - I can't understand it either. I'm a millennial and fought tooth and nail to avoid moving home again after uni

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 14/01/2018 09:53

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Don't get it either. But maybe I'm just jealous!

I left home at 18 and did halls, houseshares, bedsits, and only just got my own flat (rented) at the age of 30 :-/

midnightmooch · 14/01/2018 09:56

People used to live with their parents or other relatives until there was a reason to live on their own -- such as getting married, or studying or working in another city. But the average age to get married has also increased by quite a bit....living with parents through adulthood was seen as a bit of an odd spinster/bachelor thing - well it was in the village I was brought up in.

ADayGivingMeHope · 14/01/2018 09:57

In this economy - helping your daughter to save to buy a house would be my main focus. Either tell her to put it in savings herself or you do it for her when she gives you money.

As for how much - depends what a 'decent wage' means, that could be anything to anyone.

£200 a month maybe if she's on a wage under 22k?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 14/01/2018 10:01

Why buy, ADay ?

Why a house?

If she is earning under 22K she'll barely be able to get a mortgage anyway! No credit rating, no provable history of managing debt.. all those little things mortgage lenders like.

Why not buy a flat?

Why not rent a room/flat?

Why not focus on building up a good credit rating as well as a savings pot? You do need both, after all!

A savings pot on its own is of very little use...

stickytoffeevodka · 14/01/2018 12:05

Depends on the area @CuriousaboutSamphire

DP bought his house in 2016 - he only earns 15k or so. It's doable to buy on a low salary if you're in a cheap area and have a decent deposit. Mortgage payments are only £270 for a two bed with a garden.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 14/01/2018 12:13

Most of my family live in areas like that, sticky I should have thought about the wording before posting Smile

I should have stuck to one point: without a decent credit rating it is far harder to get a mortgage, nigh on impossible to get one with best terms. Renting has its benefits, especially if your end goal is to own. Signing up with Credit Ladder means every rent payment will improve your credit score!

WeAllHaveWings · 14/01/2018 12:16

Try to work out how much she would be paying locally in a flat share for rent, bills, etc

Say it’s £500. Tell her you will take £350 off her if she puts at least £150 into savings for herself. Then keep £200 for yourself and secretly save £150 for her.

I think it’s important they learn how much disposable income is normal and realise unless they work hard and progress they won’t be able to afford the nice things in life. They also need to learn to save for themselves and while they are still living at home and not responsible for rent or at risk of getting evicted if the don’t keep up with bills it’s fair to guide them.

Tipsntoes · 14/01/2018 12:17

I'd make it similar to the cost of renting a room locally, plus a bit for food. She's still getting a better deal than if she moved out, as I'll bet she's not doing her full share of cooking/cleaning etc, but it will give her a better idea of what the "real world" is like.

If you don't like taking it off her, agree saving it for her is a good idea.

MrsSchadenfreude · 14/01/2018 12:23

My cousin has never charged his son rent. His son is now 36, earning in excess of 40K. He has a lovely life (his girlfriend moved in for a bit). My cousin wants to leave London and downsize, but feels he can’t due to his son. He’s quite aware that he has enabled this behaviour, but thought his son would move out and share a flat at some point, like his sister did.

brizzledrizzle · 14/01/2018 12:38

None. Mine save it themselves and let me know how it's going, if they find it hard to save then they can ask me to save it for them if they choose. They choose to contribute as and when to things though, they treated us all to a take away when I didn't have the cash and they chip in with groceries.

MadRainbow · 14/01/2018 12:46

When I still lived at home my mum went over the cost of running a household with me (I never went to uni and therefore never learnt previously) she showed me all her books and considering my step brother had just moved back in broke the cost down per person. It worked out (about 10 years ago) to £50 a week.

My mum refused to charge me this as my step dad wouldn't take the same off my much older step brother - I only paid £15 a week but always made sure the fridge was stocked or there was gas on the meter.

My parents did need the money and I always found it hard to swallow that I knew the cost of running a house but could never provide appropriately. I was on a low income and at the time £200 was half my monthly take home.

GetTheGoodLookingGuy · 14/01/2018 13:34

I'm slightly older than your DD, living at home and working. When I was at uni (also living at home), I paid my mum £200 a month rent, and when I graduated we sat down and worked up 1/5 of the bills (5 of us in the house) and added that on, so I now pay her £350 a month, which is just over 1/3 of my take home pay. I buy some of my own food (we eat dinner together, but lunches/snacks/breakfast I buy myself), and pitch in at home with washing/cooking/giving my brothers lifts places. I also have my own car to run. One brother is at Uni and living at home, and he pays £200 a month. We don't begrudge it because we know DM needs every penny.

If you don't need the money, I don't see anything wrong in working out her share of the bills and asking for that. If you want to save it for her for the future, then do that too.

spudfield · 14/01/2018 16:09

My parents charged me 25% of my take home pay. I was saving for a house deposit. I didn't realise at the time, but they kept it all in an envelope and gave it back to me when I bought my house so that I could furnish the house

SaucyJack · 14/01/2018 16:14

"We don't begrudge it"

Why the fuck would you?