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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to ask how you decide how much board to charge adult DC

113 replies

5foot5 · 12/01/2018 12:41

Not so much an AIBU as a query to other parents with adult DC about how you decided on a reasonable amount for them to contribute in "board".

DD (22) will soon be starting her first proper job. She has had various part-time and temporary things in the past but will soon be starting a real, full-time job with a decent salary. Although she hasn't restricted her search to the local area it just so happens that this job is quite close so she can live at home. That's great - we all get on well and it is lovely to have her here.

She has said (completely unprompted by us) that when she starts work she wants to start making a financial contribution for her keep. I think that is a good idea for all sorts of reasons, even though we don't exactly need the money, however I don't know how we decide on an amount.

I don't want to suggest something too small in case she feels patronised but, at the same time, we are her parents not her landlords so I don't want to be making money out of her. As a student she lived away in a different city so she is used to being independent and paying her way but I feel that living at home ought to be cheaper than being in your own place so she has the opportunity to save up for other things.

She does contribute to the household in other ways, i.e. she doesn't sit about expecting to be waited on but will muck in with housework, laundry, cooking etc.

So could I ask how some of you approached this issue with your own adult, working DC?

OP posts:
SMJYellow · 12/01/2018 17:28

If it's anything like my mother - you can only charge the female. Any adult males gets away free from paying anything because they have a car and a girlfriend to treat but make sure the female pays more than her fair share to pick up from the brother.

Original poster
5foot5 · 12/01/2018 17:40

Your daughter is 22 so I don't really understand why you're treating her like a 16 year old with a saturday job.

How on earth am I doing that? When she was 16 with a Saturday job we wouldn't dream of taking anything. Now she is an adult and will be getting a proper salary I think it is right and proper. She offered and we will take her up on that.

Its weird to me that she wouldnt relish having a little flat of her own to go with her first proper job, but OK.

And perhaps she will in time, certainly if the job had been further away she would have to. She lived away from home for Uni and is perfectly capable of taking care of herself and living independently. However, because this job is quite close to home there is no rush for her move out. As I say we all get on well. If in the future she decides to get her own place then fine. Don't try to make out she is some kind of sheltered Mummy's girl just because she is happy to live at home for the foreseeable.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/01/2018 17:50

Unless you can afford to, and want to, support your kids forever, then some kind of charge for bed and board becomes essential for both parties, doesn't it?

The house the adult child inhabits still has bills that need paying, various bills increase (council tax), some monies disappear (various credits), not all parents can carry that increase without help. And no... it wouldn't be the same if the adult child had left as utility and food bills would be less!

The adult child needs to start living as an adult. A general rule of thumb is to try and limit rent and utility bills to 30/40% of household income, so it makes sense to start at 30%. Adult child gets used to not having that amount of money, starts looking for independent accommodation with an informed idea of what can actually be afforded ad doesn't get a horrid surprise!

I am not sure why the idea seems to cause such ripples here!

peachypetite · 12/01/2018 17:59

With house prices what they are it's impossible to get a deposit unless you can have some time living at home, earning, and saving!

HighwayDragon1 · 12/01/2018 18:02

A third, save half of this for her (all if you can) but don't tell her about it until she moves out.

TheHobbitMum · 12/01/2018 18:02

I'd suggest 20 or 25% then put it away for when she moves out. DH parents did this and was a life saver when we moved in together

GoldfinchesInTheGarden · 12/01/2018 18:04

We agreed just a nominal rent, on condition that our DS started to save regularly into his pension fund. I sat down with him and helped him set it up.

Personally I wouldn’t be comfortable with saving his money for him. I’m much happier teaching him how to be responsible for his own money.

Beamur · 12/01/2018 18:06

I think your daughter sounds lovely.
I reckon if you agreed on an amount around £200/250 maybe? What you then do with it is up to you.

nousername123 · 12/01/2018 18:14

If she's earning a decent wage. Say £250-300. Keep half for yourself and put half in a savings pot for her (without her knowing) when she's ready to fly the nest, she will appreciate the savings. I wish I had given my mum more to save for me. I'm rubbish with money and am now in shit street x

comingintomyown · 12/01/2018 18:16

My DS pays £200 a month and he’s just put it up to £280 as he has a new better paid job. He earns £25k pa and the tacit agreement is he will be saving to move out however where we live is very expensive so I think he’ll be here for a while. He started paying six months after finishing school and now two years later he is still the only one amongst his peers living at home who is expected to contribute to the household in either financial or domestic terms.

All being well when he does leave I will be able to give him cash towards a deposit but I will not be positioning it as his keep money saved up by me for him.

I would ask your DD what she had in mind and be guided by that

KanielOutis · 12/01/2018 20:14

I paid market rate for a room when I lived with my parents for a short time. Food was included so it was worth it, but I was an adult, and paid adult rates. When I left they let my room and continued to earn from their spare space.

Gwenhwyfar · 12/01/2018 20:21

The fairest way would be for her to pay the actual cost of living there wouldn't it? So, if her proportion of the utility bills and council tax and anything else she gets to enjoy such as wifi, TV, insurance, and maybe something tiny for wear and tear of the house.

PotterGrangerWeasley · 12/01/2018 20:27

I was saving for university when working full time so only paid £50 a month - but was expected to save at least 50%; when I started university my DM told me to stop paying this. I contribute by doing housework and buying food for everyone a few times a month.

Talk it through with your DD and see what you both think is reasonable.

MuddlingMackem · 12/01/2018 20:28

Another one who would go for the three way split. But as well as taking a third for board get her to put a third away in savings towards the cost of moving out. Grin That was the three way split my parents insisted on, and it's what I'll do with my kids if they stay at home post studies.

m0therofdragons · 12/01/2018 20:48

We always did a percentage as dB and I had different incomes so my dm wanted it to feel fair. We paid 10 per cent of take home pay a month.

grannytomine · 12/01/2018 20:53

Personally I wouldn’t be comfortable with saving his money for him. I’m much happier teaching him how to be responsible for his own money. Much better in the long run.

Fireinthegrate · 12/01/2018 20:54

My 2 pay £250/month
This includes all food, utilities, wifi, laundry etc.
If they got a room in a house share it would cost more than that and they would have to buy foord on top.

myidentitymycrisis · 12/01/2018 20:58

My DC was at home paying £500 a month including bills, laundry and cleaning, but he bought his own food. He could afford it and that's a less than the market rent in my area. I believe adult children should pay their way or else he would develop a distorted understanding of what the cost of living is.

He has now moved into a more expensive flat share and is going to have to cut down on his expenses if he thinks he can afford a cleaner.

Floralnomad · 12/01/2018 21:05

Ours pays nothing but I know that he saves . I see little point in saving it for them as that teaches them nothing at all , although they should have learnt budgeting skills by the time they start work anyway . I never paid my parents when I lived at home , although I did contribute to the cost of our horses . Dh did pay board to his parents and he is more anti charging ours than I am .

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 12/01/2018 21:10

The benefit of saving the money from her to give to her later is that if for any reason it wasn't working out or new boyfriend, new job opportunity, baby etc then at least you know that you have the money to give her for the deposit on a rented property and maybe a few months rent/ furniture. Without the ringfenced savings you could find yourself wishing she could leave or her wanting to take up an opportunity but not being able to. Hopefully there won't be any issues but this gives you flexibility. She is offering and wants to contribute.

crunched · 12/01/2018 21:15

I actually see it as controlling not to take rent TeenTimesTwo.
I'm not quite at that stage yet, but to let your DC live, rent free, in a style which I, as a middle-aged woman, have worked hard for, gives them warped sense of value. Why would they leave home if they can only afford a tiny bedsit/lower standard of living on their own?
I was effectively thrown out at 18, my DM was a widow and she was desperate to downsize from the family home as soon as I , the youngest, left. It did me no harm. I returned (she bought a house with a spare room) at 21 for 10 months and paid the going rent for a room in a shared house at that time. I was lucky to have that as an option.
I could have been tempted to never leave if all my income was for my pleasure - actually I was counting the days, but that attitude seems less typical today.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/01/2018 21:29

My two paid about half the rent they'd have had to pay in a reasonably nice flat-share. But in a flatshare they'd have had to pay for food and bills on top.

However, although I think I'd have felt uncomfortable asking for more. I wouldn't have asked for less - they need to understand asap that a nice warm bed, endless hot water and a fridge full of food, don't come for free.

I didn't put the money away for them at the time, but a decade or so down the line they've both had help with house purchases.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/01/2018 21:31

I would definitely save it for her if you are financially able to afford doing so. I plan on doing this with my kids if they live at home as adults. She should also help with food shopping, cooking, and housework.

onlyonaTuesday · 12/01/2018 21:44

I charge Dd2 £200 a month
Dd1 paid the same when she lived here.
I save it and it will be used to help her when she moves out, as we did with dd1.

KriticalSoul · 12/01/2018 21:47

i'm currently living with my mom. (i'm 36)

I pay 50% of the household bills and we take it in turns to pay for the weekly grocery shopping.

Can't say I understand this need to charge kids a fortune so you can effectively sponge off your offspring.