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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to ask how you decide how much board to charge adult DC

113 replies

5foot5 · 12/01/2018 12:41

Not so much an AIBU as a query to other parents with adult DC about how you decided on a reasonable amount for them to contribute in "board".

DD (22) will soon be starting her first proper job. She has had various part-time and temporary things in the past but will soon be starting a real, full-time job with a decent salary. Although she hasn't restricted her search to the local area it just so happens that this job is quite close so she can live at home. That's great - we all get on well and it is lovely to have her here.

She has said (completely unprompted by us) that when she starts work she wants to start making a financial contribution for her keep. I think that is a good idea for all sorts of reasons, even though we don't exactly need the money, however I don't know how we decide on an amount.

I don't want to suggest something too small in case she feels patronised but, at the same time, we are her parents not her landlords so I don't want to be making money out of her. As a student she lived away in a different city so she is used to being independent and paying her way but I feel that living at home ought to be cheaper than being in your own place so she has the opportunity to save up for other things.

She does contribute to the household in other ways, i.e. she doesn't sit about expecting to be waited on but will muck in with housework, laundry, cooking etc.

So could I ask how some of you approached this issue with your own adult, working DC?

OP posts:
Bluelady · 12/01/2018 13:37

For everyone saying it's controlling to take the money and save it for her it isn't. Daughter has offered to pay her way. If the money is saved on her behalf without her knowing it will be a lovely surprise when she gets it back when she needs it. The idea of working it out as a proportion of council tax, bills etc sounds like a really good one. The principle of paying your way is a very sensible one.

HappyEverIftar · 12/01/2018 13:39

I lived with my mum for 3 months after finishing university and getting a job and took home £795 a month. She more or less (and I'm being kind here) demanded £350 of it for rent, but I was to buy my own food, do own laundry etc. That on top of my student loan payment, transport to work etc didn't leave me with much and precipitated a swift exit after those 3 months. I had zero financial (or emotional) help, but that's another story, when I was at University from my parents and worked all the way through to pay my way.

I feel envious of those willing to charge a nominal amount/giving back said amount to your children when the time comes to buy a house, what lovely supportive parents Smile

Bluelady · 12/01/2018 13:42

We know how tough it is for your generation, Happy. Things were a lot easier for people my age.

snash12 · 12/01/2018 13:45

I don't have DC yet but me, my brother and sister all paid £250 each per month to my parents from the age of about 19/20 I'd say. I think it does feel nice knowing you are contributing something to the household and also start realising you have to earn things not just be given them.

TeenTimesTwo · 12/01/2018 13:51

I'm not saying it is controlling to take it, save it and give it back.

I'm just genuinely surprised at how out of step I am!

I am a parent who doesn't like over age films, or phones in bedrooms, Social media, leave it to kids to organise own homework/revision, stuff like that, which often gets derided on MN for being 'not trusting', 'not helping them self regulate', 'not letting them learn independence' etc.

And yet on these board/rent threads, I'm the one trusting my DD to save her pay, rather than feeling I need to save it for her. It seems backwards to me and I'm not sure why.

Marmelised · 12/01/2018 13:52

I looked at what local House shares cost and charged that (but didn’t charge extra for food and bills).
I had to try to be fair as I had another child who got a job away from home and had to pay rent so couldnt let her sibling live rent free.

Once they had finally moved out we worked out how much they had paid in rent over the years they had been at home and we are dividing it between the 2 of them. Accept not everyone would want to do that but it’s worked for us.

DramaAlpaca · 12/01/2018 13:55

My two working young adult sons pay me €300 per month, which is about half what they'd pay in a house share & includes all food & bills. They are also expected to do their fair share of household chores & their own laundry.

They think it's a bargain which is probably why I can't get rid of them Grin

mari652 · 12/01/2018 13:57

My DC2 is on a low, starter job salary - she pays for running her car ( for a 22yo in London that is v expensive ) and phone and all personal stuff and does occasional supermarket store cupboard stock ups and buys special food items that I wouldn't otherwise have. She managed her money very well at university so doesn't need educating in the price of utilities or food, we don't need a contribution to other household running costs and she is saving by herself for an eventual move out. I would find it very patronising to 'secretly ' save for her by charging her housekeeping then saving it up. I don't begrudge her spending the rest of her money in any way she likes - whether on clothes or nights out : the realities of tough budget choices come soon enough when you have children or life goes pear shaped in whatever way.

dragoncave · 12/01/2018 14:04

Whatever amount you decide you should expect to stick at that amount even if she gets a pay rise. And charge similary to other children.

And think what the money covers, is it all meals for example (what if she takes food to make her lunch?). Does it include you doing her laundry?! Does she have to do a certain share of housework?

mummmy2017 · 12/01/2018 14:12

I often wish I had enough money to just let my DC have everything for nothing, on under 20k a year house income you can't.
I showed my daughter the bills and just made her pay her share, and she was fine with that, but I do think you should charge something, or they just waste it all.
Maybe a joint savings account would be the answer as then both of you can see the growth of the money each month.

Bluelady · 12/01/2018 14:20

Teen, this isn't about not trusting your kids to save, what happens to the money is irrelevant. It's about them paying their way and not taking their parents or their home for granted.

meredintofpandiculation · 12/01/2018 14:26

Gives the DC a bit of dignity if they're paying their way rather than being dependent.

ThinkingQueSeraSera · 12/01/2018 14:45

I think charging kids is weird. It's their home. On the few times I've moved home for a few months I haven't been charged a penny - my father wouldn't dream of it.

TeenTimesTwo · 12/01/2018 14:46

Ahhh. It's about them paying their way and not taking their parents or their home for granted. & Gives the DC a bit of dignity if they're paying their way. That makes sense. Thank you.

Bluelady · 12/01/2018 14:51

Daughter's not being "charged", she offered. sigh

SilverySurfer · 12/01/2018 15:09

A lot of people pay a third - ie my first job I earned £6 a week and I paid my parents £2 a week which left me with enough to buy clothes, make-up, pay for nights out etc (difficult to believe on £4 but true)

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 12/01/2018 15:17

Your daughter is 22 so I don't really understand why you're treating her like a 16 year old with a saturday job.

Its weird to me that she wouldnt relish having a little flat of her own to go with her first proper job, but OK.

I would charge market standard and knock 100 quid off for mates rates.

I wouldn't be setting that aside for her to give back because
A) its patronising and
B) its unnecessary

She's an adult who should pay her fair way

BarbarianMum · 12/01/2018 15:42

Charging kids would be weird. But mostly we are talking about adults, not kids. I think keeping adults for free is weird and infantilising and blurs the boundaries in the parent/adult child relationship.

mirime · 12/01/2018 15:43

I paid my DM one weeks wages, which seemed fair to me at the time.

SaucyJack · 12/01/2018 15:46

"I think charging kids is weird. It's their home."

And? This is my home, but I still have to pay rent, food and energy bills.

grannytomine · 12/01/2018 15:52

Agree with TeenTimesTwo I hate the taking money off them and saving it for when they buy their own place. I think it is so patronizing. Either charge her for her keep or tell her you don't want the money as long as she is saving. She is an adult not a toddler.

Bluelady · 12/01/2018 16:27

Surely it's up to the recipient what they do with the money?

midnightmooch · 12/01/2018 16:27

I think I'd be inclined to ask them to contribute to the additional cost of them living with us - we won't need the money but I think adult children should not be relying on their parent's unless they are unwell. We'd also encourage them to use living at home as an opportunity to save for a deposit.
We're hoping to do a world tour city hopping for a few years, we'll rent out the house to fund our extended trip, so I doubt they will be relying on us anyway.

Tensecondrule · 12/01/2018 16:28

The general guideline is a third of nett salary, as that’s the average proportion required to pay mortgage/bills once you have your own home. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saving it for a house deposit for them if you don’t need the money...yes she may be really sensible and do that herself, but I know if it was my 23 year old any excess would get blown on expensive shoes and holidays. She may appreciate that it’s a good idea to get used to putting money by for bills/mortgage without having the temptation of spending it if it was in her own savings account.

Blackteadrinker77 · 12/01/2018 16:32

My 19 year old pays £35 a week and I save £15 of it for him and keep the £20 a week as a token payment.

This leaves him able to save £500 a month after all his expenses. I think that's fair.