AIBU to tell women to get married before they have babies

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

This forum is absolutely full up of the following stories, repeated on a loop

Woman falls in love with selfish twunt (doesn't realise at this stage he is a selfish twunt)
Woman is persuaded to move into the home selfish twunt owns, or is persuaded to by a house but only in selfish twunts name because (insert excuse here)
Woman suffers "contraceptive failure"
Woman gives up her job to look after children.
Twunt has got her exactly where he wants her - now he can fuck other women without any fear of financial loss

I am so so saddened to keep reading these threads on here time and time again.

Women - protect yourself. There is a reason why a man won't marry you AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE HE'S OLD FASHIONED.

Well nobody gets together with a man thinking 'What a fucking wanker, what a loser, what a cock. Maybe I should have his baby?' Do they?

It sounds insane, but actually I think a lot of people do. There are countless threads on here all the time about what an absolute bellend the man is, but the woman's pregnant, or considering having another child...

Give me one, ONE reason why I should get married.

I don't really want to, because you've made it clear you don't want to be married and that's that. But if you are asking for reasons why...

IHT exemption, being legal next of kin (after some health emergencies in my husband's family I'm very glad that he and I can make these decisions for each other if one of us should fall into a coma), having financial protection in case the relationship breaks down, and no chance of wills being changed in secret.

I'm not trying to persuade you to marry, but you seem to think there could be absolutely no good reasons why anyone would. And that's nonsense.

zoenichole, that's very sad. It's also totally irrelevant to this thread. Because nobody is saying getting married is a guarantee to it working out or that it will make the relationship better. They're just pointing out that you're better protected in case of a split if you marry.

enid, you don't say how old your ds is. If he's small then you may well find over the next few years you are not earning as much as your DP and are not progressing so fast.

If this doesn't happen or he's already grown then you are part of a statistically much smaller group of women that has happened for. It's a gamble, it paid off for you. But for most women that take that gamble it will not pay off and will leave them much poorer should a split happen.

He's 19m. I work full time. Me and dp take turns to pick him up if he's poorly and take days off when nursery is shut. My dp hasn't really got anywhere else to progress and he likes his job. It's convenient. I have plenty levels to go up so it's unlikely what you're saying will happen.

It wasn't a gamble I knew what i wanted I worked bloody hard for it.

The idea of marrying being a proof of love, or intended as a proof of love, is actually a very modern concept. Victorians didn't see it that way, in fact for much of history people have not seen it that way. Largely because that is not what it is. Its primary purpose for much of history has been to secure assets and alliances (in the case of powerful or royal families) and legitimise any heirs. It's a legal contract, with various protections and benefits, and a lot of them (most?) can't be duplicated outside of it.

Which is why I really do want to scream and shout when people say, "Oh, we didn't marry because we don't need a piece of paper to prove our love." And, again, wish that people would LOOK AT WHAT IT IS before deciding whether or not they ought to do it.

@PoorYorick I’m all for making informed decisions and researching all options, I do agree with that. However getting married would leave me in a worse financial position in the event of a split not a better one, so I (we) have made an informed decision.

Thank god I didn't marry stupid cheating ex. The break up was devastating enough without the prolonged, spiteful, absolute shitshow of a divorce we would have had.

Notreallyarsed, that's great. You did the research, you made your choice. My concern is that so many women don't know what marriage is before they decide.

This is valid for England only, but this link sets out the difference between marriage and cohabitation:

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Know your rights and make your decisions accordingly.

Lots of talk about divorce and splitting up, but people die unexpectedly everyday and if your cohabiting without a will, you may find yourself in a very difficult situation.

Considering the legal impact marriage has a registry office marriage at £75 is incredibly cheap. A solicitor wouldn't take their own out of their pocket for that.

At someone's loving DP giving them permission to take his name instead of getting married. That's a trinket to keep you quiet.

He had a meeting with his solicitor to change his Will the day after he died. She got everything but my dad has just taken over where my grandad left off and has taken most of her money. My dad blames my nan leaving for my grandad dying which is utterly ridiculous. She's only late 60's but to me she is very vulnerable and taken for a ride easily x

I do mostly agree with you OP. You don't have to get married before kids, but if you don't, make sure you are fully familiar with the possible legal implications for the future. Likewise if you give up work or go part time after having kids, make sure you know how this may affect you long term.

I didn't marry before I had kids. This was because I was aware of the implications for me if I did so. I'd have had to sell my house and give my ex a large proportion of the proceeds, when he was a cocklodger. Before anyone shouts me down for being sex is, he was not a SAHP and contributed nothing financially to my home or the bills. I'm glad I protected my children from having their future essentially drunk up down the local pub.

@Eltonjohnssyrup

Maybe the real issue is people shouldn't be creating life with someone who could fuck then over. I would rather teach my daughter to be a good judge of character and find someone she truly loves rather than teach her to marry to protect herself.

Mothers of sons here .. how do you feel about some woman/girl marrying your son so she can have a right to his pension and claim money from him.

Mother of a boy here - if his partner/wife had given up work or reduced her hours to raise their child then I’d think that was absolutely right.

YABU

How people choose to lives their lives is no one else’s business but their own and it’s certainly not your place to say people should be married before they have children.

Marriage isn't the problem - abusive and controlling relationships are

This

There are no guarantees with marriage. After 28 years and 5 children my DH turned his back on us and walked off with another woman despite the fact he had always said we were soul mates.
Being married gave me very little financial protection-a bitter,lengthy divorce followed- he refused to initially pay CM or towards our joint mortgage/bills.
It has taken me years to recover.
I'd NEVER advise my kids to get married just because they had children.

IHT doesn’t apply to our estate(s). I am financially far more stable and have far more assets and control of assetts. Wills made and sure, he could go change it but it wouldn’t make any difference to me - he has nothing to leave to me should he die. The wills are there to name guardians for the DC, and mainly pass my assetts to him rather than the other way round. I want him to be able to change his will, like I can mine, life changes. Etc etc etc.

I just hate the implication of saying all women should marry to protect themselves, which assumes a) the female is less affluent b) they will damage their earning potential c) they will be the SAHP/part timer.

A partner doesn't need to be abusive or controlling for a relationship to break down and the woman to be screwed over financially.

Also, people change and that nice, kind man could be completely different when he's decided he wants someone else to share his bed.

Besides which it's not either or you can choose wisely on the partner front and know your legal rights.

And as I said people die (even lovely, well-chosen partners) and things can get very messy with no will or an unexpected inheritance tax bill.

Totally agree Daisy. Many women do a great deal around the home anyway which isn't rewarded financially.

I've got a ds. I'd prefer him to be married if he has dc.

Don't think marriage makes any difference!

pooryorick please explain how being married means you can’t change your will in secret I was not aware of that

I am currently getting divorced and between us we have spent at least £15k and that’s with uncontentious finances and child arrangements.

As much as there is evidence on here of lack of knowledge as to what common law spouse does or doesn’t mean there is a similar lack in understanding how financially ruinous divorce is. There’s a lot of women on the divorce boards who wish they’d never married

Marriage doesn't stop them dimwits from cheating, however it does provide some financial protection.

I'm not @PoorYorick and I'm not a lawyer, but I'll have a go at answering that. Yes, a person can change his/her will even if you are married. However, a spouse has more chance of being able to claim some of the estate through than the courts than an unmarried partner. I think I'm right in saying that in Scotland in particular it is almost impossible to cut your spouse out of your will.

Mothers of sons here .. how do you feel about some woman/girl marrying your son so she can have a right to his pension and claim money from him

They’d have the MIL from hell if they tried! Flip side being I’ll be damned sure to raise our boys into decent men who wouldn’t neglect responsibilities in the event of a split and wouldn’t screw their kids over to get back at an ex.

Mothers of sons here .. how do you feel about some woman/girl marrying your son so she can have a right to his pension and claim money from him.

I'd be delighted. I would also give her a carving knife to castrate him, and we could cackle together over the cauldron.

FFS, ask a stupid question. It wouldn't be my business to meddle in my son's relationship, but if he decided he wanted to commit to her legally so they could have the same protections and benefits his father and I have, I would be quite happy as long as he was happy in the marriage.

please explain how being married means you can’t change your will in secret I was not aware of that

Marriages trump wills (so if a married man tries to leave money to his OW, wife trumps) and you can't divorce someone without them knowing about it. I'm not trivialising your experience, but it's a separate issue.

I just hate the implication of saying all women should marry to protect themselves, which assumes a) the female is less affluent b) they will damage their earning potential c) they will be the SAHP/part timer.

I've never said this. It is clearly not true for everyone. But it is usually the case that the woman is more financially vulnerable, will be the one to take the career hit to care for children, and it's a good idea to know what marriage is before deciding whether or not it's for you. A lot of people simply don't, as evidenced by this very thread.