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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell women to get married before they have babies

424 replies

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 12/01/2018 12:39

This forum is absolutely full up of the following stories, repeated on a loop

Woman falls in love with selfish twunt (doesn't realise at this stage he is a selfish twunt)
Woman is persuaded to move into the home selfish twunt owns, or is persuaded to by a house but only in selfish twunts name because (insert excuse here)
Woman suffers "contraceptive failure"
Woman gives up her job to look after children.
Twunt has got her exactly where he wants her - now he can fuck other women without any fear of financial loss

I am so so saddened to keep reading these threads on here time and time again.

Women - protect yourself. There is a reason why a man won't marry you AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE HE'S OLD FASHIONED.

OP posts:
Phalenopsisgirl · 12/01/2018 17:15

Not to mention if you do want to get married, organising and affording a wedding is so much easier pre kids.....honeymoons are so much better when it’s just the two of you

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 12/01/2018 17:15

PoorYorick is speaking good sense on this, as usual when it comes up. Marriage isn't the right option for everyone, but a lot of people seem to reject it with very little grasp of what it actually is.

Relationships don't just end when the couple split up. Many end with the death of one of the partners and sometimes that comes out of the blue. Some people find it difficult to think about this possibility but it's foolhardy not to, especially if you have children. You need to be aware of the financial consequences of being bereaved and how that might change by getting married.

Your spouse is automatically your next of kin, not just in the UK but all over the world. There are countries one might conceivably visit on holiday where a non-married partner would not be treated as equivalent to a spouse. In a medical emergency I would always want my husband to be making decisions about me and vice versa.

These are issues I would want my children to think about before deciding not to get married.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/01/2018 17:19

I'd say that my advice to a woman would be to get an education/job skill/certificate and keep it up and active.

I've always worked and had the means to support myself if needed. DH and I have always made about the same. I'd have liked to be a SAHM, but our lives just didn't work out that way. In retrospect, I'm glad I kept working. DH and I went through a couple of 'rough patches' over the last 30+ years (not infidelity) and my earnings gave me the leverage to say "Change or GTFO". He changed.

My cousin quit working to be a SAHM but she kept her professional license current and did all the needed continuing education. Her DH cheated, they divorced and she had the needed skills to get a part time job to supplement child support. If she hadn't been able to do that, she wouldn't have been able to keep the house.

Not all men who want a SAHW are bastards. My sister has never worked a day in her life. But it was always 'ours' with her DH and he never questioned her spending or used money to control her. He was faithful to her and treated her with the respect she was due as the person who enabled him to maintain his high earnings position. BUT, if he had been a jerk, she would have been up shit creek with no job skills.

So, be a SAHM or have children without marriage, whatever you choose. Just be sure you have something to fall back on. Because it's not just divorce that can fuck everything up. If you rely on your partner for the total household income, remember there is always illness, disability, death, or redundancy lurking around the corner.

KatharinaRosalie · 12/01/2018 17:21

Wedding ring does not keep anybody from cheating. Nothing to do with this. It just gives the stay at home or lower earning partner a much better financial position in case of a break up than simply living together.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 12/01/2018 17:23

I’ll admit the OP basically summed up my life with some horrible DV chucked in for good measure. I did leave though and you know what? I’m so fucking glad I didn’t marry him my twunt ex because I wouldn’t have the money to divorce him (on benefits due to being a carer for my disabled child).

I will be teaching my daughter to get educated as much as possible, work hard, and always be self sufficient which I think is more important than telling her to grow up obsessing about getting married.

dutysuite · 12/01/2018 17:24

Hmmm, I was with my husband 16 years before we got married. We had two children before marriage. Perhaps "these women" just got together with crap men?!

Eltonjohnssyrup · 12/01/2018 17:27

This place is riddled with stories of husbands who cheated on their wives.. a wedding ring doesn't make a strong relationship.

It's nothing to do with making a relationship strong. It's more recognising that a lot of relationships end and unmarried mothers end up in a significantly worse position to married mothers if that happens.

Most women take a massive hit to their earning power when they have kids and divorce recognises that. Cohabitation means if there is a split the mother's loss of money over her lifetime because she's had children is something she has to suck up alone.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 12/01/2018 17:30

Exactly so, down to giving her a share of her husband's pension rights if he has any. No wonder some of the twunts are so keen to avoid getting married.

user1485291796 · 12/01/2018 17:42

I am not married I have one DS and second due in April. Me and DP have been together 7 years, I love my DP but just not fussed on marriage. we live together and have the children and are happy. Who knows what the future holds and maybe one day we may feel it important to be married. I will say just because you are married first doesnt mean when the baby comes along your marriage will work. YABU

Eltonjohnssyrup · 12/01/2018 17:46

Hmmm, I was with my husband 16 years before we got married. We had two children before marriage. Perhaps "these women" just got together with crap men?!

Well nobody gets together with a man thinking 'What a fucking wanker, what a loser, what a cock. Maybe I should have his baby?' Do they?

It tends to reveal itself over time. You have been fortunate it didn't happen to you. But many women in exactly the same situation as you will have been burnt.

It's like insurance for your house burning down or being flooded. It may never happen to you, but if it does, do you want to be up shit creek because you didn't prepare?

Idontdowindows · 12/01/2018 17:48

Very unreasonable. When and why women have children is none of your business.

PurpleTraitor · 12/01/2018 17:51

Give me one, ONE reason why I should get married.

I have DC. I’m with their father. I’ve never wanted to be married. I protect myself and my kids and he benefits. Tell me, anyone, one reason that marriage would benefit me.

I’m all ears. I’m fed up of people recommending marriage with ZERO knowledge of a partnerships lifestyle, responsibilities, obligations or finances.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 12/01/2018 17:51

I am not married I have one DS and second due in April. Me and DP have been together 7 years, I love my DP but just not fussed on marriage. we live together and have the children and are happy. Who knows what the future holds and maybe one day we may feel it important to be married. I will say just because you are married first doesnt mean when the baby comes along your marriage will work. YABU

Sorry to use you as an example user, but this is the sort of daft reasoning that leads women into awful situations. It's nothing to do with love. It's nothing to do with thinking that putting a ring on means your marriage will 'work', it's because marriage gives women legal and financial protections which recognise the damage having children does to their financial position and guarantees that the father of their children will be made to recognise this and any financial settlement will take this into account.

If you split up in a couple of years your earning power, pension, career outlook - all of these will have suffered because you have children but your partners won't. And that inequality will last for the rest of your life and you'll never get any redress for it.

woodhill · 12/01/2018 17:57

Ideally in marriage because of the financial and legal protection or in a stable relationship

Frusso · 12/01/2018 17:59

How to marrying someone stop them being a twunt?

weepingangel12 · 12/01/2018 18:00

How to marrying someone stop them being a twunt?

It doesn't. But it means that when they do twunty things you have legal protection and probably more money.

IsaSchmisa · 12/01/2018 18:06

A DP being happy for you to change your name, not that they could prevent you anyway, is precisely zero evidence of commitment. That's not to say marriage would benefit you either, maybe it wouldn't, but it's a gesture that's entirely devoid of commitment.

I'm glad this is a controversial thread too. Do whatever you want, but make it a decision not a sleepwalk, and make it informed. Hint- not marrying because it's a piece of paper, or you don't believe in it, or your love doesn't need recognition, is not an informed decision.

PurpleTraitor · 12/01/2018 18:08

I don’t believe in marriage, why does that mean I can’t make an informed decision? I am far more informed on the matter than any of my married friends (who are a minority)

IsaSchmisa · 12/01/2018 18:09

Purpletraitor, a bereavement support benefit from the state. Replaced the old widow allowances. You won't get it if your DP dies and you're not married.

You may not want or need it of course, and for most people it won't be a definitive reason to marry. But you asked for one benefit. There it is.

nousername123 · 12/01/2018 18:10

My Nan fell in love with my grandad when she was 17. He treated her like a queen, did loads of housework and cooked lovely meals, took her out all the time and worshipped the ground she walked on. They got married at 19 and she had my auntie when she was 20. The day she came home with the baby, he became psychologically abusive, spoke to her like a piece of shit, treated her like a slave, never lifted a finger, had affairs. He used to turn all the power off from the mains and lock her in the house so her and the babies would sit in a dark freezing cold house unable to cook any food until he got home and turned everything back on. He wouldn't buy clothes for the babies so my nan had to get a part time job and sneak out when he was gone (leaving babies with neighbour) to be able to buy clothes for the babies and told him that her mum had bought them. He cut her off from the outside world.
He was an obnoxious asshole and she eventually left him when she was 55. He died a year later. She literally spent most of her adult life being abused. She had lived with and married the man of her dreams until she gave birth and was "stuck" with him.
So yes you are being very unreasonable. People don't always turn out the way you think even after you marry them.

Sals27 · 12/01/2018 18:10

Oh dear. I live in a house owned by DP and I found out I'm pregnant (planned) this week. I guess, as we're not married, I'm fucked then.

IsaSchmisa · 12/01/2018 18:11

Nobody said it meant you couldn't make an informed decision. It just means that if that's your reason, you're not properly informed because you also need to know about the legal effects. If you know about them, and have chosen not to marry because you don't believe in it AND because you don't want the legal provisions, that would be an informed decision.

Enidthecat · 12/01/2018 18:12

I have a ds and I'm not married. Our house is owned jointly and I earn just as much as he does, I'll have a better pension and I'd be financially absolutely fine on my own.

Please tell me again how irresponsible I've been.

KatharinaRosalie · 12/01/2018 18:19

zoe I would hope she at least inherited the lot? If they were not married, he would have treated her the same, but she would also not have had any claim on the house or other assets.

purple what about inheritance tax?

DaisysStew · 12/01/2018 18:20

You’re assuming that everyone has money and careers to protect. My ex worked a NMW job, I earned slightly more and we didn’t live together. We split when ds was 3 months old. All being married would have meant for me was that instead of just saying “do one” and it being done I’d have had the hassle of a divorce on top of all the child access shit as well. He had no assets and being married doesn’t mean that you’re guaranteed Child Support if it all goes wrong - married or not it’s still the cms that deal with it (or don’t in most cases).

So for people with money/assets then yes marriage offers you protection. For those without it’s just more hassle when the relationship ends.

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