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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to report this?

80 replies

dianemorgan · 11/01/2018 23:52

Just thinking about all the "me too" sex scandal things.... when I was 14 my BF was 18 and we had sex. (I am now 35)

No hard feelings between us, we are FB friends. He is married with kids. Same for me.

Talking about this to a friend recently who said she would report him to police as was a crime at the time and people should be being held accountable for all these things that happened years ago when all was brushed under carpet etc.

I disagree - i feel I would be ruining his life for nothing.

Who is BU?

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/01/2018 04:25

Erm...I would always report a paedophile

As would we all. Not sure what this has to do with the OP though, I assume you dont actually know what a paedophile is?

HalcyonStars · 12/01/2018 04:40

There's a fascinating thread on here somewhere about consent and underage sex. The overwhelming feeling, imo, was that relatively close ages and experience levels led to no bad feeling. However larger gaps or more experienced/manipulative partners led to long-standing feelings of being "led astray" or worse.

Do you know where that thread is? I’d be interested in reading more about that as I still feel icky about something that happened nearly half a lifetime ago.

I’ve NC for this, but when I was 16 I went home (his home) with a 26 year old. We were both drunk, me more so. He knew how old I was.
He took my anal virginity without my consent - I was too drunk to say anything and too shy/ self aware to object even if I could have done so. I remember the following weeks that it got around that I’d had anal sex, but I just felt embarrassed and ashamed. And it ended up giving me a negative reputation. I still shudder thinking about it.
And the condom split and thinking about it now, he just made a joke about it and decided there would be no point using a new one. It was horrible and vile.

I wouldn’t want to report it and bring it back up. I’ve only really started considering it as rape now, but I still feel like I’m being rather dramatic.

I’m sorry to highjack this thread. I’ve just never considered that you could retroactively raise a rape issue like this - I just want to acknowledge it for what it is out loud.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/01/2018 05:10

Halcyon .

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/01/2018 05:56

Halcyon stars.... That's utterly grim

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/01/2018 05:59

The CPS/govt guidance above is key...

In law under 16s can't.consent to sexual activity..

In practice a relationship where the kids ate close in age ('romeo & juliet'), they wouldn't be prosecuted... When an older adult the law looks at it differently... Esp where (c) overt manipulation and an imbalance of power

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/01/2018 06:00

14 and 30 year old.... There is no defence to this and he should have been prosecuted.... There is such an age gap/power imbalance... And 14 is a long way under age of consent...

PieAndPumpkins · 12/01/2018 06:01

Yes Halcyon, that's rape, you're not being dramatic. I'm very sorry

RebootYourEngine · 12/01/2018 07:06

I wouldnt report. At 14 years old i knew what i was doing and could make my own choices.

This thread interests me because most people are saying they wouldnt report and that they had similar experiences. But when people talk about the Radford family they always say that noel should have been prosecuted because he was 17 and she was 13. There is a lot wrong with that couple but i wouldnt say that this bit needs to be focused on.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/01/2018 07:18

OP I wouldn’t report that.

TW1984 I would report it. No disrespect to you but I can’t see what an adult married man would see in a 14 year old other than being a paedophile. Even if he’s no prosecuted I would like him to have the stress and disruption of a Police interview.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/01/2018 07:19

Halcyon you are not being dramatic at all.

Guavaf1sh · 12/01/2018 07:30

Agree it wasn’t rape and I’m glad you’re not reporting it

Guavaf1sh · 12/01/2018 07:30

Agree it wasn’t rape and I’m glad you’re not reporting it

Jaygee61 · 12/01/2018 07:36

A 20 something who has sex with an underage girl is at best pervy IMO.

Oblomov18 · 12/01/2018 07:38

I don't think it's that much of an issue at 14 and say 17. Certainly not paedophile. Not worth reporting.

Rainboho · 12/01/2018 07:46

Isn’t it important to define that paedophile means attraction to pre-pubescent children. Its a strong term to be bandying around about 15 year olds sleeping with someone in their late teens.

I was 15 and had a 19yo boyfriend. It was great, I had a fantastic time and it was all my choice. I think that’s the crux of it. It was my choice.

LoudestRoar · 12/01/2018 07:53

HalcyonStars for you. A similar thing happened to me, he was my boss, I was 17. He asked if he could, I said no. He did it anyway, but I didn't stop him, because I didn't want to make a fuss, and was worried he'd stop seeing me if I did. I have been wondering recently with everything going on if I was raped. I'm not going to report it, I'd just like to know so I can sort things out in my own head about what happened.

OakIsBetterTho · 12/01/2018 08:20

Some of the answers on this thread makes me feel sad 💐 For those of you negatively affected,

In regards to the OP, no I wouldn't report that. If you felt he took advantage or coerced you into it then yes but it was a long time ago, there was mutual consent at the time and no negative after effects.
Fwiw I slept with my 18yo boyfriend when I was just turned 15. I adored him, in a way only a 15 year old can do , and he was kind and we stayed together for 3 years after that. Looking back, I can see now why my mum wasn't happy but no damage was done.
I do think it's strange the double standards for the genders tho. Ime older guy/younger girl was basically the norm, with age gaps like that if my ex and I, whereas I only really heard of one relationship where the girl was older (17,15 at most) and people took the piss something chronic. My friends were judgy enough when I started seeing a just turned 17 year old when I had just turned 19. Looking back, wasn't my best judgement call, but that was purely because he was an arse, nothing to do with age.

Jaygee61 · 12/01/2018 08:45

LoudestRoar he was your boss and he abused his power over you. It was rape IMO. I'm sorry.

Original poster

dianemorgan · 12/01/2018 15:45

Lots of mixed opinions on here, thank you!

I'm not reporting and happy Friday to you all xxxx

OP posts:

LyraPotter · 12/01/2018 16:16

It was statutory rape in the eyes of the law and he absolutely shouldn't have had sex with you. Whichever way you look at it he was an adult choosing to have sex with a child. That was wrong and he should never have done it.

That said, it's entirely up to you whether you report it and only your own views matter. If you have no intention of reporting him and no wish to do so, it isn't really anyone else's business. The decision is yours alone.

Namechangetempissue · 12/01/2018 16:50

So, so many of the 14/15/16 year old girls were dating men of 18 plus when I was at school in the 90s. Some of these men were way over 30 (my friend was seeing a karate instructor of 42). I had boyfriends of my own age but wouldn't have batted an eyelid at the suggestion of an older one if I had met someone I liked. It just seemed to be the norm at the time. None of the parents knew obviously! I do look back horrified at all these adult men getting a kick out of seeing children, even if it was completely consensual. The appeal clearly wasn't the stimulating conversation from a teenage girl .

mirime · 12/01/2018 17:02

I wish people would actually check out the law! Sex with an under 13 year old is always rape. 13-15 it's slightly more complicated.

AngelsSins · 12/01/2018 17:14

Not trying to be a GF here, just generally curious, but how many of you would be ok with an older girl, say 18-21 having sex with a boy under 16? I know they say girls mature faster but that is a generalisation not all girls do. Also, I agree OP, that you don't have to report at all, but I also feel very differently when a boy who is older then gets a underage girl pregnant. I mean I imagine it could be pretty easy for a boy of 20 to convince a 14 year old girl not to use a condom, and if she gets pregnant, that's her whole life potential screwed.

I'm just trying to work out my own feelings on the topic because I had similar experiences too.

LoudestRoar · 12/01/2018 17:46

Jaygee61 thank you. I wasn't sure if I was over reacting. ...
So sorry for anyone else in a similar position

user1495222250 · 12/01/2018 20:38

It was perfectly consensual and within a fairly long-standing relationship, so I think it'd be very unfair and unreasonable to report this many years later.

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