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AIBU?

Not to report this?

80 replies

dianemorgan · 11/01/2018 23:52

Just thinking about all the "me too" sex scandal things.... when I was 14 my BF was 18 and we had sex. (I am now 35)

No hard feelings between us, we are FB friends. He is married with kids. Same for me.

Talking about this to a friend recently who said she would report him to police as was a crime at the time and people should be being held accountable for all these things that happened years ago when all was brushed under carpet etc.

I disagree - i feel I would be ruining his life for nothing.

Who is BU?

OP posts:

Report

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/01/2018 04:51

Angel
Your scenario is equally wrong. Inversing the sex of the two parties makes no difference.

Growingboys · 12/01/2018 21:17

I would definitely not report him

Liara · 12/01/2018 21:16

I had sex at 13 with my bf who was 16 - it was great. We dated for another 2 years (and a year beforehand).

It was 100% my decision, he respected me and my choices at all times and I do not consider he did anything bad at all. This would have been rape in the UK (not in the country I was in).

At 16 I had sex with a man 5 years older who was completely disrespectful and it was a really crap experience. This would have been totally fine under UK law.

The law is made to allow for the possibility of prosecution in certain cases, and is necessarily a blunt instrument. Doesn't mean it's always right to use it, or that the law covers everything it might need to.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/01/2018 21:11

I think it's an extremely toxic idea that a happy-at-the-time consensual encounter between teenagers should be reported to the police decades later.
It takes away that teenage girl's autonomy, choice and freedom. Like it or not, teenagers are interested in sex and may want to experiment when they are not legally old enough. Consensual sex with another teenager is not harmful in any way.

goose1964 · 12/01/2018 21:06

When I was around 12 a friend who was a little older had a boyfriend Uncle XXX who lived next door to her aunt, at the time she was really pleased to have the attention of an older man,. It's only lately I realised it was probably sex abuse and I feel guilty that we didn't realise at the time and do something about it

user1495222250 · 12/01/2018 20:38

It was perfectly consensual and within a fairly long-standing relationship, so I think it'd be very unfair and unreasonable to report this many years later.

LoudestRoar · 12/01/2018 17:46

Jaygee61 thank you. I wasn't sure if I was over reacting. ...
So sorry for anyone else in a similar position

AngelsSins · 12/01/2018 17:14

Not trying to be a GF here, just generally curious, but how many of you would be ok with an older girl, say 18-21 having sex with a boy under 16? I know they say girls mature faster but that is a generalisation not all girls do. Also, I agree OP, that you don't have to report at all, but I also feel very differently when a boy who is older then gets a underage girl pregnant. I mean I imagine it could be pretty easy for a boy of 20 to convince a 14 year old girl not to use a condom, and if she gets pregnant, that's her whole life potential screwed.

I'm just trying to work out my own feelings on the topic because I had similar experiences too.

mirime · 12/01/2018 17:02

I wish people would actually check out the law! Sex with an under 13 year old is always rape. 13-15 it's slightly more complicated.

Namechangetempissue · 12/01/2018 16:50

So, so many of the 14/15/16 year old girls were dating men of 18 plus when I was at school in the 90s. Some of these men were way over 30 (my friend was seeing a karate instructor of 42). I had boyfriends of my own age but wouldn't have batted an eyelid at the suggestion of an older one if I had met someone I liked. It just seemed to be the norm at the time. None of the parents knew obviously! I do look back horrified at all these adult men getting a kick out of seeing children, even if it was completely consensual. The appeal clearly wasn't the stimulating conversation from a teenage girl .

LyraPotter · 12/01/2018 16:16

It was statutory rape in the eyes of the law and he absolutely shouldn't have had sex with you. Whichever way you look at it he was an adult choosing to have sex with a child. That was wrong and he should never have done it.

That said, it's entirely up to you whether you report it and only your own views matter. If you have no intention of reporting him and no wish to do so, it isn't really anyone else's business. The decision is yours alone.

dianemorgan · 12/01/2018 15:45

Lots of mixed opinions on here, thank you!

I'm not reporting and happy Friday to you all xxxx

OP posts:

Jaygee61 · 12/01/2018 08:45

LoudestRoar he was your boss and he abused his power over you. It was rape IMO. I'm sorry.

OakIsBetterTho · 12/01/2018 08:20

Some of the answers on this thread makes me feel sad 💐 For those of you negatively affected,

In regards to the OP, no I wouldn't report that. If you felt he took advantage or coerced you into it then yes but it was a long time ago, there was mutual consent at the time and no negative after effects.
Fwiw I slept with my 18yo boyfriend when I was just turned 15. I adored him, in a way only a 15 year old can do , and he was kind and we stayed together for 3 years after that. Looking back, I can see now why my mum wasn't happy but no damage was done.
I do think it's strange the double standards for the genders tho. Ime older guy/younger girl was basically the norm, with age gaps like that if my ex and I, whereas I only really heard of one relationship where the girl was older (17,15 at most) and people took the piss something chronic. My friends were judgy enough when I started seeing a just turned 17 year old when I had just turned 19. Looking back, wasn't my best judgement call, but that was purely because he was an arse, nothing to do with age.

LoudestRoar · 12/01/2018 07:53

HalcyonStars for you. A similar thing happened to me, he was my boss, I was 17. He asked if he could, I said no. He did it anyway, but I didn't stop him, because I didn't want to make a fuss, and was worried he'd stop seeing me if I did. I have been wondering recently with everything going on if I was raped. I'm not going to report it, I'd just like to know so I can sort things out in my own head about what happened.

Rainboho · 12/01/2018 07:46

Isn’t it important to define that paedophile means attraction to pre-pubescent children. Its a strong term to be bandying around about 15 year olds sleeping with someone in their late teens.

I was 15 and had a 19yo boyfriend. It was great, I had a fantastic time and it was all my choice. I think that’s the crux of it. It was my choice.

Oblomov18 · 12/01/2018 07:38

I don't think it's that much of an issue at 14 and say 17. Certainly not paedophile. Not worth reporting.

Jaygee61 · 12/01/2018 07:36

A 20 something who has sex with an underage girl is at best pervy IMO.

Guavaf1sh · 12/01/2018 07:30

Agree it wasn’t rape and I’m glad you’re not reporting it

Guavaf1sh · 12/01/2018 07:30

Agree it wasn’t rape and I’m glad you’re not reporting it

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/01/2018 07:19

Halcyon you are not being dramatic at all.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/01/2018 07:18

OP I wouldn’t report that.

TW1984 I would report it. No disrespect to you but I can’t see what an adult married man would see in a 14 year old other than being a paedophile. Even if he’s no prosecuted I would like him to have the stress and disruption of a Police interview.

RebootYourEngine · 12/01/2018 07:06

I wouldnt report. At 14 years old i knew what i was doing and could make my own choices.

This thread interests me because most people are saying they wouldnt report and that they had similar experiences. But when people talk about the Radford family they always say that noel should have been prosecuted because he was 17 and she was 13. There is a lot wrong with that couple but i wouldnt say that this bit needs to be focused on.

PieAndPumpkins · 12/01/2018 06:01

Yes Halcyon, that's rape, you're not being dramatic. I'm very sorry

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/01/2018 06:00

14 and 30 year old.... There is no defence to this and he should have been prosecuted.... There is such an age gap/power imbalance... And 14 is a long way under age of consent...

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