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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Excluding children from parties.

86 replies

MrsU88 · 11/01/2018 19:33

In dds class there are 8 girls, 6 of which have been close all through reception and now yr1. (the other 2 play mainly with the other boys and each other...but these 6 have been thick as thieves)

One has a birthday next week. My dd (5yrs) came home other day and asked if she could go to Birthday Girls party. I asked if she had had an invite and she said no, I said maybe BG wasn't having a party this year.

I volunteer at school listening to reading, BG was reading today and while walking to the quiet room I asked if she was excited for her birthday and was she doing anything special. She replied yes, and she was having a party then named all the other girls in the group but left out dds name.

NOTE....I did not pry, I didnt mention my dd not being invited, I didn't say anything to her that could be seen as bitter or mean, I would NEVER be mean to a child. I said happily "oh that will be fun"

Anyway after school dd came home upset, she said BG WAS having a party and she wasn't invited. I've explained that she cant be invited to every party, but I think shes mainly upset that the rest of the "group" are invited and she is the only one not going.

AIBU to be a bit miffed for dd. She thought these girls were her "best friends". Surely if you're doing a party (at home) for 5, then 1 more wouldn't make much difference.

I know there's nothing I can do, I cant make them invite her, tbh it saves me buying a present, I would just like to know if IABU for being annoyed/upset for dd.

OP posts:

Whichschool2020 · 11/01/2018 19:35

YANBU to be upset for your DD. Really weird. Unless maybe the BG child’s Mum has decided it’s not fair to only leave out 2 girls who thought 3 would be better?! Or maybe it’s something where there genuinely are only 5 spaces, I can’t think what this would be, but it’s possible?

NoqontroI · 11/01/2018 19:38

It's a bit mean if the 6 are close friends. I wouldn't do that. I'd find something the 6 could do.

SimultaneousEquation · 11/01/2018 19:39

I have to say that if I’d got wind of a parent helper doing a bit of undercover detective work with a child in a 1-1 situation, about why their own dc wasn’t invited to that child’s party, I would not rest until that parent was barred from 1-1 access to other people’s children.

Original poster

MrsU88 · 11/01/2018 19:41

Bg's words were "I'm having a tea party at home and ............ are coming"

I cant think of anything at home that couldn't fit another child in. DH has been given them a lift home a few times after an after-school club.

Maybe it is the 3 excluded is better than 2....

OP posts:

TheQueenOfWands · 11/01/2018 19:44

Maybe they're not as close as you think?

TeenTimesTwo · 11/01/2018 19:44

If there are 8 girls in total, then leaving the other 2 out is a bit much anyway.
If my DD had been in a class of 8 girls it would have been invite 3 (and leave out 4) or invite all.

MrsLinManuelMiranda · 11/01/2018 19:44

Children can be quite fickle at that age, chopping and changing friends. Has something happened recently that may have made them fall out, or at least the BG feel that she has been aggrieved? I know it is hard for you DD. This happened to my DD at age 7 or 8, her alleged best friend excluded her from her party, found out later the mother decided she was not welcome.

TeaBelle · 11/01/2018 19:47

I agree with simaltaneous - stop quizzing children. Totally inappropriate

Original poster

MrsU88 · 11/01/2018 19:47

I was NOT doing "undercover detective work" about it...... I was making small talk asking if she was excited for her birthday.
I did NOT ask if dd was invited, I didn't mention dd or her not being invited, I didnt ask what was planned.

me: are you excited for your birthday
bg: yeah really excited
me: birthdays are exciting, are you doing anything nice?
bg: yeah I'm having a tea party at home with.......

that was it.... then we sat and started reading....does that seem like undercover detective work?

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsU88 · 11/01/2018 19:50

I wasn't quizzing.... I didn't feel like I was anyway. I thought I was just making conversation and speaking about something she had been excited about previously.

I shall keep your advice to mind and think more about what the children speak to me or I ask the children in future. Just in case it can be seen in a bad light.

OP posts:

TabbyMumz · 11/01/2018 19:50

I don't think you should have asked birthday girl about her party. Totally inappropriate and unacceptable. You were fishing for information. On the surface it does seem a bit mean, but nothing you can do about it. Perhaps as others have said, they aren't that close.

SimultaneousEquation · 11/01/2018 19:51

You were asking a child questions to obtain information about a birthday party your child wasn’t invited to. So, yes, it does seem like undercover detective work, and yes, it is hugely inappropriate to use a professional or volunteer relationship with a child in response to a private situation involving your own child.

SundaySalon · 11/01/2018 19:51

Do you know BGs mum? It does seem a bit strange and I would be gutted for my DC.
Maybe her mum isn’t aware of the six of them being friends, you obviously see a lot more of their interactions with you working there.
Year 1 isn’t that old, BG might have missed out your DDs name when listing friends. I know I haven’t a clue who my DSs closest friends are, I suspect they change weekly.

TabbyMumz · 11/01/2018 19:51

Op. "does that sound like undercover detective work?" Yes, it does. You knew she was having a party, and were trying to dig deeper for information.

Snowysky20009 · 11/01/2018 19:52

It could be any number of things:

-the girls have had a little squabble

there is only x amount of chairs at their dining table

-she was told she could only invite x number of children

I imagine it's upsetting, but try not to dwell on it, just tell dd she could only invite x number so that means some people have to be left out, But don't worry on that day we will go/do (insert activity/place)

ChickenPaws · 11/01/2018 19:52

C’mon you were prying. Quit the faux innocence.

You shouldn’t be using your position to do this. I knew a parent helper who used her position to obtain information and gossip and it didn’t end well at all. Caused a lot of hurt as well.

TabbyMumz · 11/01/2018 19:55

Must be a small school if only eight girls in the class? I'm now wondering if the Mum just said "pick five friends", as their table only seats six for the tea, and didn't realise there was a six group.

Allthebestnamesareused · 11/01/2018 19:58

It is possible that they have siblings, cousins or friends from out of school to cater for and therefore was allowed 4 from school - BG being the 5th.

As they get older friendship groups change, parties get smaller you'll not be as bothered. It also opens it up for you to do smaller parties

YellowMakesMeSmile · 11/01/2018 19:59

You were definitely digging for info which was highly unprofessional and if my child told me of the conversation I would be raising with the school.

It's a fact of life that they won't be invited to everything nor should they have expectations that they will be. However if your DD invited the girls to her party then an invite should have returned as that's just good manners.

Original poster

MrsU88 · 11/01/2018 20:00

I didn't know she was having a party before I asked if she was doing anything nice.

I can see how it can be seen from that point of view but that wasn't my intentions. I shall definitely make sure I am careful with how I words things in future.

I'm only there one morning a week so dont see them play, only time is in the playground at picking up time when they're waiting for older siblings to come out. I thought they were friends,dd has always mentions her in who she played with when I ask what she's done at school. maybe something has happened dd hasn't told me about. I dont know.

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 11/01/2018 20:03

She isn't being excluded. She is not being invited. There is a difference. Explain to her that these things happen, however upsetting. Look at it as a life lesson.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 11/01/2018 20:04

Really, OP? You had NO IDEA that the child was having a birthday party? Despite your DD asking you if she could go to it?!

Come on, you were fishing, no doubt about it

MiddleClassProblem · 11/01/2018 20:05

To me it sounds like BG has either gone off her or they’ve fallen out in some way. It’s sad but most kids have to face this at some point. Fingers crossed they will be over it in a week or two. You can’t reallg do anything about it other than be there for her. The BG is entitled to invite whoever she wants. I doubt the Mum would have left her out for numbers sake.

TakeTheCrown · 11/01/2018 20:08

Inviting five friends to a party is quite a common thing. I know I heard it a lot growing up. Maybe your dd just takes number 6 position currently?

Make plans to do something really fun with your dd on that day if you can, so that she'll have something to talk about the day after.

TakeTheCrown · 11/01/2018 20:10

You knew she was having a party, and were trying to dig deeper for information.

But she didn't know her dd wasn't invited when she asked which makes all the difference.

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