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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Excluding children from parties.

86 replies

MrsU88 · 11/01/2018 19:33

In dds class there are 8 girls, 6 of which have been close all through reception and now yr1. (the other 2 play mainly with the other boys and each other...but these 6 have been thick as thieves)

One has a birthday next week. My dd (5yrs) came home other day and asked if she could go to Birthday Girls party. I asked if she had had an invite and she said no, I said maybe BG wasn't having a party this year.

I volunteer at school listening to reading, BG was reading today and while walking to the quiet room I asked if she was excited for her birthday and was she doing anything special. She replied yes, and she was having a party then named all the other girls in the group but left out dds name.

NOTE....I did not pry, I didnt mention my dd not being invited, I didn't say anything to her that could be seen as bitter or mean, I would NEVER be mean to a child. I said happily "oh that will be fun"

Anyway after school dd came home upset, she said BG WAS having a party and she wasn't invited. I've explained that she cant be invited to every party, but I think shes mainly upset that the rest of the "group" are invited and she is the only one not going.

AIBU to be a bit miffed for dd. She thought these girls were her "best friends". Surely if you're doing a party (at home) for 5, then 1 more wouldn't make much difference.

I know there's nothing I can do, I cant make them invite her, tbh it saves me buying a present, I would just like to know if IABU for being annoyed/upset for dd.

OP posts:

Kitsandkids · 11/01/2018 22:07

She didn't know the child was having a party. Her Dd asked if she could go, OP asked if she'd had an invitation, Dd said no so OP said the child might not be having a party. When my 2 eldest were younger they constantly talked about being invited to so and so's party but if there was no invitation I knew it was just the kid talking about a theoretical party and actually the parents had probably decided not to have one.

The op asked if the child was doing anything special. That is not 'are you having a party?' That covers everything from Grandma coming over for cake to chartering a private jet to New York. It is just what you say when someone says they're excited for their birthday.

Charolais · 11/01/2018 22:08

OP you did nothing inappropriate. Nothing is wrong with asking the little girl about her birthday plans. You had already stated in your OP that you mentioned to your daughter that maybe BG wasn’t having a party this year.

I notice many people on mums net have poor reading comprehension skills, want to put people in a bad light or are projecting.

Plan something fun for your daughter on the day of the party and when she’s the BG invite all the girls expect for the current BG. Give her a taste of her own medicine.

Kitsandkids · 11/01/2018 22:09

Not theoretical, I meant hypothetical

KERALA1 · 11/01/2018 22:12

Totally agree with flump. Barely register whether dds invited or not, friendships can be fluid with kids and people have limits on how many they can invite. some years we invite a few we don't the next and sure same done to us. Baffled at adults actually crying about their children's party invites!

CorbynsBumFlannel · 11/01/2018 22:28

As hard as it is for your dd Yabu imo. Obviously the birthday child/mum don't see it as group of 6 the same way you do. She isn't the only girl left out so I don't think there has been any breach of party invitation etiquette.
She is obviously more friendly with the children she's chosen to invite. I think it's highly unlikely that a parent would insist on leaving out one of a close friendship group to upset them and their own child.

timeisnotaline · 12/01/2018 00:04

I would hope that any parent who complained about something like this is prepared to volunteer equivalent hours to support the children’s development. Yes it was inappropriate but it can definitely be gotten over! As a Mum who will probably be working when my kids are at school, I’m grateful to the mums who volunteer (but then I would never invite 4 out of a group of 5 to my child’s party and would be unimpressed if someone’s reason for doing so was oh but we only had x chairs.)

CorbynsBumFlannel · 12/01/2018 00:08

I really don't think the op has crossed any boundaries though. Had she probed about why her child wasn't invited or taken it out on the child then yes. But asking what a child is doing on their birthday is a completely normal question that I would ask a child whether my kids knew them or not.
As for people saying this child will go back and tell her mum. Tell her what? That the op asked what she was doing for her birthday then said that sounds nice???? Who on earth would complain about that and on what grounds?

Flumpernickel · 12/01/2018 00:35

Time, if that is aimed at me, I said my situation was similar, NOT the Same, please dont speculate on who was at fault and whether I should have ‘stepped in’ if that is what you are attempting to do.

Christ, this is the goadiest thread I have been on in ages.

timeisnotaline · 12/01/2018 07:20

flumpernickel why would that have been aimed at you? Scrolling back to read your post you 1. Talk about budgets for a party which is perfectly reasonable and not often mentioned as a constraint in these topics- I’m not sure anyone else on this thread has mentioned it for example and 2. You haven’t gone off at the ‘outrageously inappropriate behaviour’ of the OP in her voluntary role and 3. You are not one of the number of people who explicitly mention number of chairs as a constraint (unless you did all this earlier - I didn’t scroll all the way back)

giddyupnow · 12/01/2018 07:36

Yeah OP you better watch out for when that mum goes to the head and says ‘Your volunteer ASKED. IF. MY CHILD. WAS DOING ANYTHING SPECIAL FOR HER BIRTHDAY. I want her removed forthwith from the premises and preferably pelted with cabbages and given a criminal record.’

SingingSeuss · 12/01/2018 07:49

I'm sorry that your daughter feels bad. A few kids over for tea isn't really a party as such h. We did that this year purely for financial reasons ( a d I don't get the whole outdo each other with massive parties). My dd can have a whole class party every few years, the rest of the time she can have a few buddies o Dr for tea. She chooses who, it's her birthday. I know it's hard when it's your own daughter but you shouldn't have used your position to ask about this. If it got reported back to school they'd be rightly annoyed. The suggestion to do something fun with your dd on the day is a good one.

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