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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluding children from parties.

86 replies

MrsU88 · 11/01/2018 19:33

In dds class there are 8 girls, 6 of which have been close all through reception and now yr1. (the other 2 play mainly with the other boys and each other...but these 6 have been thick as thieves)

One has a birthday next week. My dd (5yrs) came home other day and asked if she could go to Birthday Girls party. I asked if she had had an invite and she said no, I said maybe BG wasn't having a party this year.

I volunteer at school listening to reading, BG was reading today and while walking to the quiet room I asked if she was excited for her birthday and was she doing anything special. She replied yes, and she was having a party then named all the other girls in the group but left out dds name.

NOTE....I did not pry, I didnt mention my dd not being invited, I didn't say anything to her that could be seen as bitter or mean, I would NEVER be mean to a child. I said happily "oh that will be fun"

Anyway after school dd came home upset, she said BG WAS having a party and she wasn't invited. I've explained that she cant be invited to every party, but I think shes mainly upset that the rest of the "group" are invited and she is the only one not going.

AIBU to be a bit miffed for dd. She thought these girls were her "best friends". Surely if you're doing a party (at home) for 5, then 1 more wouldn't make much difference.

I know there's nothing I can do, I cant make them invite her, tbh it saves me buying a present, I would just like to know if IABU for being annoyed/upset for dd.

OP posts:
emma6776 · 11/01/2018 20:35

I’ve told dd she can invite 7 friends for her birthday as that’s how many extra seats we have. It’s no great plot on the parents part. Maybe the birthday girl just doesn’t like your daughter that much (this week)

strangerhoes · 11/01/2018 20:36

Totally inappropriate, YABU and unprofessional. I wouldn’t want you quizzing my children while you are apparently working. Weirdo.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 11/01/2018 20:39

I volunteer at school listening to reading, BG was reading today and while walking to the quiet room I asked if she was excited for her birthday and was she doing anything special.

Wow, no. Even when you're not being paid, there's a basic level of professionalism you need in a job and you way overstepped the mark. Butt out.

poppythetroll · 11/01/2018 20:42

OP you were me last week, same age and my DD was the one left out!! I was hurt, I admit I even had a little cry for my DD, fortunately she's more resilient than I excepted her to be and she just shrugged her shoulders and said "well I'm still her friend"!!! However, I have to agree with the other posters you absolutely overstepped the mark speaking to the child about her birthday, you knew exactly what you were doing, you were prying, you were not "making conversation" and you have abused your position to dig, to a 6 year old.. little tip, 6 year olds are not as innocent as you think, the child was probably onto you the minute you mentioned her birthday. The child will know your child has been left out, the child's mother will know your child has been left out and second the child says to her mum, I read to (friend) mum today and she was asking about my birthday.. the child's mother will know what you've done!!! Don't get me wrong I've been there, only last week, the red mist descended coz my special snowflake was left out, but I composed myself and moved on swiftly!! I think you need to admit to yourself that you made an error in judgement and make sure it doesn't happen again!!

Justmuddlingalong · 11/01/2018 20:42

Maybe your sleekit behaviour is the issue. Perhaps BG's DM has you sussed. Hmm?

derivaz · 11/01/2018 20:43

Do you get on with the other mums? It is often who the mother chooses rather than the child.

I would also like to say well done for volunteering and taking time out to read with other people’s children. Possibly the questions were a little inappropriate, but I don’t think you had any bad intentions. Mummy politics are a minefield!

Chugalug · 11/01/2018 20:44

No child can ever be invited to every party...we will all be in the ops position at some point.yes you feel crap for a bit...but ask yourself this ,when you throw a party do you invite the whole class ,every time? No ,so someone will always be left out.its part of growing up,learning to cope with disappointment..my son last weekend didn't get an invite to a party of a child I would of assumed he would...I don't think he even registered he hadn't been invited.coz we've had so many conversations about ,it not being personal,it's just about numbers ,and who you play with the most..no big deal...every early on I developed a quick response to my kids saying they weren't invited...."oh ..is that on such and such a date..ahh we are busy then,doing xyz ,so you wouldnt of been able to go anyway "

MiaowTheCat · 11/01/2018 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CherryMaDeara · 11/01/2018 20:48

DH has been given them a lift home a few times after an after-school club.

It is mean to not invite one of a friendship group.

I wouldn't be so keen to give the girl lifts anymore.

lalalalyra · 11/01/2018 20:49

Imo this is exactly why parents should never read with their own child's class.

You may not have intended to go fishing, but you did. I do hope for your sake there was other people around during your chat, especially if your DD has (or does) let on to the birthday girl that she's upset. If the birthday girl mentions you asking her questions then you've put yourself in a very vulnerable position.

Parent helpers should always be with other classes.

Hesburger · 11/01/2018 20:57

This weirds me out. I can't understand why you would pry when in a position of trust.

Your last comment is ridiculous. You clearly know the difference between what is appropriate and what is not. Why would asking someone about their book be prying?

If my child came home and told me that a parent volunteer was interfering with their social circle I would be putting in a complaint pronto!

Original poster
MrsU88 · 11/01/2018 20:59

Ok...I may leave this thread now.

I fully get I was been unreasonable to ask a girl if she was doing anything for her birthday...I've never worked in a school, never knew I wasnt allowed to ask about birthdays.
I understand you don't believe I didn't know she was having a party...nothing I can say to make you believe otherwise.
I shall not be speaking to children about anything other than their reading book.
I may ask if they need a volunteer in a different class instead...I can see how it can be "unprofessional" to work with my own child.
I apologise for bringing it up on here, I should know better than to bring anything other than parking, cf neighbour or mil problem to aibu.

I will explain to dd again if she asks about the party that bg could only invite so many, not to worry about it, we'll do something fun on Sunday to take her mind off it. I will also ask at parents eve if she is getting on with the others as well as I thought.

OP posts:
MiaowTheCat · 11/01/2018 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flumpernickel · 11/01/2018 21:01

I must live in an alternate universe to many mumsnetters, as I cannot for the life of me understand how upset people get about their kids not being invited to a party? When my kids have a party, I work out my budget, set a number I can afford and tell my kids they can invite 5 as an example, making 6 with the birthday host child. Also, I am not in the business of providing free food, hosting entertainment for every child who just happens to be in my kids class, especially if (as is normal with kids) they are best friends one minute and mortal enemies the next!

My kids get/got invited to some parties and not to others, we have had zero upset or tears at bedtime over it, as I have explained to them, that in life, we cannot expect to be invited to/included in every single thing that everyone else does. I aim to teach my children, that although we must be kind and warm to everyone where possible, they do not need to be ‘friends’ with every child in their class just by virtue of circumstance. In the same way that we would host a party, as adults and not invite everyone we know, just because we happen to know them. I dont mean to sound harsh, I really dont, but it is so important to teach kids this lesson, as it encourages emotional growth and independence in kids imho.

Flumpernickel · 11/01/2018 21:05

One a side note OP, someone who worked closely within my DD’s former scholl, once did something very similar involving my DD. I hit the roof and contacted the head, the parent helper in question and the governors to report the inappropriate issue and the individual was promptly removed from the position. Be aware, If the parent of the child you are referring to catches wind of this, it could become VERY awkward very fast.

Flumpernickel · 11/01/2018 21:06

School Hmm

MiaowTheCat · 11/01/2018 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flumpernickel · 11/01/2018 21:17

But that’s part of life Miaow, I dealt with it, my kids have dealt with it, and countless other children deal with it everyday. Birthday parties are expensive and if you have a budget, you have a budget. Kids get upset about many things, but is our job to reassure them and explain to them when an expectation is reasonable and when it is not. I believe parties hosted by parents who are paying for them, do not fall into the category of appropriate expectation and thus I have explained this to my children over the years, they are now very comfortable in their own skin, and enjoy their own company without dwelling on these issues, they are happy kids, with reasonable expectations.

MiaowTheCat · 11/01/2018 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flumpernickel · 11/01/2018 21:28

A robot? Right... end of conversation.

Kitsandkids · 11/01/2018 21:32

Are parent volunteers not allowed to speak to the children about anything not related to school work now?

The op asked if the child was looking forward to her birthday and when this was confirmed then asked if she was doing anything special. That seems totally normal to me. I've heard readers in school and sometimes the walk along the corridor to wherever they're reading with you can seem a bit awkward and you have to try to make conversation. She was making conversation. Big deal. I've asked children similar questions myself.

If op had then asked the girl why her daughter couldn't go and pounced on the mum in the playground demanding to know why then yes, that would be totally inappropriate. But she didn't. She's just privately a bit concerned that this girl no longer seems to value her daughter's friendship.

OP I would have probably done exactly the same as you. If you volunteer in a school you learn that you have to make 'small talk' every so often so that the children get to know you a bit and enjoy working with you!

TheHungryDonkey · 11/01/2018 21:38

I wish heads would be more careful about the kind of people they employ or allow in to ‘help’.

Parents I knew at one school openly admitted helping and working in the school to get the gossip and watch what’s going on. It’s disgraceful. Some of these children may be vulnerable or may let slip confidential stuff to you. Yet here you are not only admitting to fishing but blabbing on the internet.

Kids don’t get invited to everything. It’s a fact of life and a life lesson.

weepingangel12 · 11/01/2018 21:50

Are parent volunteers not allowed to speak to the children about anything not related to school work now?

They are, but they aren't supposed to question 5 year olds about their birthday parties specifically to find out if their child is invited!

weepingangel12 · 11/01/2018 21:50

I understand you don't believe I didn't know she was having a party...nothing I can say to make you believe otherwise

because you did. You told us so.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/01/2018 22:01

That is bad, your poor dd, op. Op only asked if she was doing anything nice for her birthday fogs, she did not ask her if she was having a party, who's invited, and why dd was not invited. Op is a parent volunteer, not an employed member of staff, she is not a professional, just another parent.