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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluding children from parties.

86 replies

MrsU88 · 11/01/2018 19:33

In dds class there are 8 girls, 6 of which have been close all through reception and now yr1. (the other 2 play mainly with the other boys and each other...but these 6 have been thick as thieves)

One has a birthday next week. My dd (5yrs) came home other day and asked if she could go to Birthday Girls party. I asked if she had had an invite and she said no, I said maybe BG wasn't having a party this year.

I volunteer at school listening to reading, BG was reading today and while walking to the quiet room I asked if she was excited for her birthday and was she doing anything special. She replied yes, and she was having a party then named all the other girls in the group but left out dds name.

NOTE....I did not pry, I didnt mention my dd not being invited, I didn't say anything to her that could be seen as bitter or mean, I would NEVER be mean to a child. I said happily "oh that will be fun"

Anyway after school dd came home upset, she said BG WAS having a party and she wasn't invited. I've explained that she cant be invited to every party, but I think shes mainly upset that the rest of the "group" are invited and she is the only one not going.

AIBU to be a bit miffed for dd. She thought these girls were her "best friends". Surely if you're doing a party (at home) for 5, then 1 more wouldn't make much difference.

I know there's nothing I can do, I cant make them invite her, tbh it saves me buying a present, I would just like to know if IABU for being annoyed/upset for dd.

OP posts:
Rosewatersoap · 11/01/2018 20:10

"I have to say that if I’d got wind of a parent helper doing a bit of undercover detective work with a child in a 1-1 situation, about why their own dc wasn’t invited to that child’s party, I would not rest until that parent was barred from 1-1 access to other people’s children.I have to say that if I’d got wind of a parent helper doing a bit of undercover detective work with a child in a 1-1 situation, about why their own dc wasn’t invited to that child’s party, I would not rest until that parent was barred from 1-1 access to other people’s children.

I agree 100%. Very inappropriate OP. You have abused your position of power. Not in a massive earth shaking way but sneaky nevertheless.
Not cool.

Mrsdoubleskulls · 11/01/2018 20:10

I’m not going to enter into the “you were prying” debate, but I do sympathise with the situation.

There are 15 boys in my DS’s class (and 15 girls). My son is friendly with all (although not close friends with any, iykwim). I am Facebook friends with most of the mums in the class. A Mum recently posted photos of her son’s birthday party (at her home). Of the 15 boys in the class, only my son and another weren’t in attendance.

Yes, I know, you don’t have to invite everyone, and yes, you shouldn’t expect an invitation. But, I felt hurt for my son (ridiculous really, as he probably isn’t aware that it happened. Although, typing that out, maybe he was, as kids talk?). Anyway, my point is, if you are inviting 13, why not bloody invite all the boys and be done with it. I certainly would.

WipsGlitter · 11/01/2018 20:12

I agree you're were prying. It sucks when you kids is excluded from a party but I really don't think there's anything you can do unless you're the type to confront the Mum.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 11/01/2018 20:12

That is quizzing her though you started asking questions bout her birthday and her plans in order to obtain information. You abuse your position for your own gain. I wouldn’t be too chuffed if it was my dd. It wasn’t as if she was the only one invited. In a group of 8 girls not all are going to get on or be very close to one another. Friendship groups change all the time.

DonutCone · 11/01/2018 20:13

It is so wrong that you questioned a child like that.

I really don't believe you didn't know what you were doing. 'Are you doing anything nice?' Is quite obviously asking if she's having a party.

herecomesthsun · 11/01/2018 20:14

To be honest, it doesn't surprise me that a parent volunteer would be trying to understand what is happening around their child, it seems very human to me.

Not sure how you would stop that?

(not a volunteer myself as I am the family breadwinner and work full time, though I take an interest from a distance)

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 11/01/2018 20:14

At that age they are entitled to form friendship and don’t have to invite every girl in their class

Jigglytuff · 11/01/2018 20:14

Of course you were quizzing her!

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 11/01/2018 20:15

Wasn't there a post on here a while ago about a mum having to explain to a persistent (some might say cf!) mum that her darling son wasn't being excluded from the friendship group - it was because he'd been hitting the birthday boy and his friends.

Not saying at all that it's the same here! Just it reminded me that we don't really know what goes on at school. There are little falling outs all the time. Maybe next time you have a parents evening just ask how things are going with her and her friends.

But yeah I'd also be wary how you talk to kids.

chickenowner · 11/01/2018 20:16

I agree, you were prying.

Totally inappropriate.

Unfortunately the school is unlikely to find out so you'll be allowed to carry on in your privileged position unchecked.

Original poster
MrsU88 · 11/01/2018 20:17

Ok I apologise to everyone thinking I am feigning innocence and digging or whatever, it really wasn't my intention. I only started volunteering in sept so never knew it was such a minefield.

I didnt know she was having a party as dd wasnt invited. All other parties in the class have been whole class things or all the girls, so assumed as dd hadnt been invited she wasnt having one I assumed that the party dd wanted to go to was a family party.

I have explained to dd that she cant be invited to every party, that she could probably only invite so many people.

I have also had a wake-up call about what I can talk to children about. I'll just stick to have they read? and have they enjoyed the book? (or is that too prying?)

OP posts:
luckylavender · 11/01/2018 20:17

You knew she was having a party as your DD had mentioned it. You fished & now you're dragging it up on a public forum. How would you feel if someone did that to your DD? Very unprofessional OP.

FireCracker2 · 11/01/2018 20:17

Inviting five friends to a party is quite a common thing

she is not inviting 5, she's inviting 4.
6 in friendship gioup minus DD and BG equals 4 guests

Jigglytuff · 11/01/2018 20:17

This is why I think it’s completely wrong for parents - whether they be TAs, teachers or volunteers - to do any kind of working with their own child’s year group/ class. It’s completely natural to get involved and want to take your child’s side. So to avoid a conflict of interest, there needs to be separation

Oly5 · 11/01/2018 20:19

People on here are harsh.
I think it’s totslly not on to invite five girls out of 8 to a party. Does that mother not realise how it will hurt the other girl’s feelings?
We have similar in year 1 Op and it’s not nice. The kids that don’t get invited feel so sad and don’t really understand why they’re not invited when they are friends.
Personally, I either do class parties or just do a family thing with no school friends

weepingangel12 · 11/01/2018 20:19

I didnt know she was having a party as dd wasnt invited

your dd told you she was having a party. No-one is buying it!

yorkshireyummymummy · 11/01/2018 20:19

I really feel sorry for you OP and I’m not going to flame you for asking the child what you did as enough people have done that.

I feel sorry for you because you are feeling your daughters pain and I feel,sorry for your daughter being left out like this.
This happens to my DD as well in a year group of 10 girls. It breaks my heart when I hear of kids being left out. It really knocks their confidence.

I simply have no idea why the mums who,plan the parties do this. I know life isn’t all inclusive and they can’t have everything they want/go to every party etc but when they are little I just think it’s so cruel to leave one or two out. I have never ever done that .
When this happened to my DD I would plan a day out either just the two,of us or with the other left out kid and do something fun.

Funkyslippers · 11/01/2018 20:22

I agree it's really hard when your child isn't invited to a party. For 3 years running my DD was one of about 3 out of the whole class of 30 who weren't invited to one of her classmate's parties. She saw this girl as a friend and I still to this day don't understand why she wasn't invited. She's a really sweet girl and to my knowledge there was no issue between the two of them. All I can say is it happens to most kids at some point.

YearOfYouRemember · 11/01/2018 20:25

Maybe you've behaved inappropriately before and this is the consequence

iamyourequal · 11/01/2018 20:26

Hi OP. I think you are getting an unreasonably hard time on here. Well done on you that you are volunteering in the first place. I don't think you deserve a roasting for asking a girl a couple of positively phrased questions about her party! I think it's a bit mean that the BG's mum has invited 4 girls in the class and left out 3, and of course you are sad your D D is one of them. I can only imagine it's due to space or maybe party is on a v tight budget? All kids party stuff seems to come in packs of 6 or 8 and perhaps there are other friends invited you are not aware of. We have invited little girl around corner to the last 4 birthday treats my DD has had which have only been for 4, 6, 6 & 16(depending on what we did). Last year my DD didn't get invited to hers just didn't make the grade I guess. I was mad, then let it go and we did something lovely ourselves that day. Why don't you do the same?

TakeTheCrown · 11/01/2018 20:27

Unfortunately the school is unlikely to find out so you'll be allowed to carry on in your privileged position unchecked

I assume you volunteer at your dc's schools and don't leave those "privileged positions" to other parents?

Bluedoglead · 11/01/2018 20:31

Yeah. You were fishing. But I can understand why you did.

It’s not as if your DD is the only girl left out so I don’t really think you can do anything. It would be different if she was the only girl not going.

Bowerbird5 · 11/01/2018 20:32

Maybe the little girl is asking cousins as well. While I understand it is upsetting for your DD they just have to learn they can't always go to other people's parties. Remind her that some of the others aren't going either. You have years of this ahead.

We don't let parents help in their child's class.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 11/01/2018 20:32

Your OP says you did know there was a party and that you didn't mention about your DD not being invited so therefore you did know and choose to question a child about it.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 11/01/2018 20:33

You were so out of order questioning the child on the way to the reading room Shock. Appalling behaviour.

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