Am I being a princess or should OH remember this kind of stuff?!

[notonmynelly]

I know life doesn't revolve around me. OH has a demanding job but for example I've had important interviews, hospital test results (not serious ones but still) he will never ever remember. I don't get a good luck or "how did it go?" Just makes me feel like I'm not on his radar at all! But I just put it down to busy job and he genuinely forgets. Don't think I would forget if it was the other way around but still.

Today is the anniversary of my Dads death. It was quite traumatic and I was with him when he passed. I feel fine today. To me it just feels like the other 364 days I've been thinking of him. But I find it almost embarrassing that he is the only person who has forgotten again! Admittedly I do keep my emotions to myself, my lovely friend is taking me to lunch to raise a glass to my dad, another friend sent me flowers and a lovely text. But he has completely forgot!

I don't know if I'm being a princess or not. I'm not saying I want to mollycoddled today I just want him to remember my dad that's all.

All morning he's been texting me about an important meeting he has and I've been supportive etc but I think fuck sake come on how you can forget 🙁

I'd remember that. So would my partner.

Reason “you keep your emotions to yourself” for something you feel so strongly about. Do you think you want to feel rage towards your DH and thats the reason you dont share your feelings with him?

I suspect DH would do this, so I make a point of mentioning that such-and-such important date is next week, well in advance. I'd be setting myself up for disappointment of I expected him to remember, sadly. It's not intentional forgetfulness; I just don't think dates are important to him in the same way they are to me.

To be fair, when I do mmention such dates (often with a reminder on the day) I do get sympathy and a hug. He does care, just not the same way I would show it.

I'm sorry for your loss

Why the biscuit loobyloo?
Some dates that are significant to one person just aren't to another. I really wouldn't expect OH to remember what days both my parents died.

I do not do anniversaries at all and will regularly forget them. I remembered my Dad’s birthday but will probably not notice the anniversary of his death.i remember those I have lost at other times. Maybe he is similar?

you don't sound like you feel cared about by him - that must be draining. What concerns me is you say you always get the 'too busy' brush off when you mention anything.

LoniceraJaponica

Because it’s a goady response and the OP was not craving sympathy. But I’m sure you already know that

I'm sorry that you lost your dad, I don't know (yet) how it feels to lose a parent but I imagine that it hits hard. I think, because you've said that you 'feel fine', you're projecting that 'I'm fine about it' image across to your partner and he takes that on board rather than thinking about it at a deeper level. I'm sure if you were to be upset about you dad's death - or anything - he'd act and you'd be reassured.

I read it somewhere that men are generally 'problem solvers', the don't look for deeper meanings in the same way that women (generally) do. Obviously I'm not talking of all women or all men either - but it's a trait that I've found to be mostly true.

If you have a good relationship then that's what you have and this is just something where better communication is needed when you need a bit more support.

I don't think you're being unreasonable about anything

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As an aside, your use of 'princess' made me cringe. Seems to be becoming an unfortunate 'thing' on MN and I wish it weren't. You're a woman, an adult woman, you have needs and you have the right to your feelings. Bugger all to do with 'princesses' and all that ridiculous trope.

I have a busy job and a partner with a busy job. He remembers key anniversaries including my mothers death and recent hospital appointments. Despite being really really senior and busy we usually exchange a text message during the working day. More so, if it was a significant day. YANBU

After 10 years he hasn't bothered to get a calendar sorted, although he'll use one at work. And he gets huffy with you if you say anything.
He cant be bothered, and he's making it about his feelings, and that would bother me.

Thinking of you OP 💐
Life should not solely revolve around your DHs work. I would definitely prompt him.

I'm a kind and sensitive person.

I'd never remember the dates of my pil deaths in a million years.

Sorry for your loss, but YABU.

My DH would not remember dates (or even what we agreed to do the next day), but he uses the calendar on his laptop to pop up reminders about important events. If your DH has a busy job with important meetings, he would presumably be capable of operating a similar system.

Embarrassingly enough, I did not remember the first anniversary of my DH's father's passing, or of my uncle's death either so I would plead that he is not necessarily an arse - but he should be able to sort out at least a system of automatic reminders (and that applies to myself too...)

It's not about remembering, it's about caring about you. But, demonstrating he cares, does depend on knowing that marking dates is meaningful and important to you.

There are many 'date reminder' systems available, your DH is probably competent at using these.

First anniversaries are so much more difficult, meaningful and emotionally unpredictable than later ones, this is quite a different situation from a general 'bad memory for birthdays'.

I wouldn't raise it with him tonight, as you may find his response upsetting and may feel it has blighted a day that you would rather spend cocooned in memories. I might, were I you, decide to do something special, with a friend, alone, or just quietly by myself, this evening. I'd tell him factually that this is what I'm doing and why, then go and do it.

Any general discussion about his attitude and competence and your needs, should wait for another day.

looby Maybe it's a female thing?

No, it's not a case of women remember these sorts of things and men don't. Plenty of women on this thread have already said they might not have remembered this anniversary either.

My last girlfriend (and we lived together for 11 years) never remembered dates. I was always the one who remembered when we first met, when we moved in together. She never did. Two mutual friends of ours died within six months of each other. I remembered the anniversaries, she never did. Not all of us men are morons with no ability to remember things.

I think people's brains are often wired in many different ways. Some people are great with maths, hopeless with words and vice versa. Some people are great with dates, others hopeless. Sometimes it'll be because they are morons but sometimes I do think it's a genetic thing.

First of all sorry for your loss

Remembering the date someone died would not be a date I would remember. You sound pretty upset that your OH has not remembered - perhaps next year you could remind him the day before?

I have to say I my experience women are better at a) remembering family stuff and b) expressing sympathy

In our family, we had to ban the men from making family arrangements. They just chat loosely and say oh yeah, maybe we’ll come in a couple of Sundays. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. Whereas I, my mum, MIL and SIL will say, yes we’ll come on Sunday 21st at 11am and then we will do as we arranged.

Although it does feel that your h is twattish forgetting this, I would personally say him: dh, this is the first anniversary of dad’s death, I feel grief, I would like to do xyz to remember him.

Husbands should remember these things. It's all part of being a supportive partner.

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

I can tell you the months my FIL passed and roughly the date within about 4 days but that's it.
Please don't take it personally, and men tend to be worse on this than women anyway.
Just mention to him 'I can't believe it's a year today that my dd passed' I bet he will be mortified he forgot.
for you and raising a for your dad

Mine never remembers my DM's passing, but it doesn't mean he doesn't care. If he'd lost his parents he would probably forget the date too, even though they mean the world to him.

• months not months, he only passed once..

Wow I am pretty low maintenance even DH says he is higher maintenance than me but I would fully expect him to remember the anniversary of my fathers death. It was by far the most traumatic and upsetting thing that ever happened to me. By some stretch the worst day of my life. If hadn’t acknowledged that a year later I’d have been really hurt. Not just for myself but for my Dad. They got on well and his death was a loss to DH as well. He is always especially sensitive to me around the anniversary and New year which for some reason I find difficult. OP YANBU

*month. (Why did it keep adding an s??)

I could barely tell you what month of the year my father died let alone which day. Even if you'd asked me six months later.

I didn't know until I read in on here that remembering dates like this was a thing some people did.

I think people's brains are often wired in many different ways. Some people are great with maths, hopeless with words and vice versa. Some people are great with dates, others hopeless

It's not just about whether people can remember. Even if people can remember dates, I'm not seeing why they should. Choosing to feel sad on the anniversary of something bad happening seems an utterly bizarre approach to life. (Or is it the case that people attach the feeling to the date and can't avoid the association? That seems odd to me, but I suppose it's possible. Why the date? Why not attach the feeling to whoever was reading the 6 o'clock news that day, and be sad every time you see them. Or to the place where you or they were, and be said every time you're there. Attaching feelings to a date seems random, to me.)

(As an example of choosing not to remember a date despite being able to, I can remember my birthday, but as I don't celebrate it I have often woken up on the day not aware it's my birthday, until I get an unwelcome reminder from someone/somewhere.)

Why are you setting him a “challenge” to remember when you could just tell him and presumably (if he is not a total arse) have the support and sympathy you crave?

Why should anyone treat their partner as child??
It’s not a challenge to want to support your partner. It’s not a challenge either to remember the death of one of their parent JUST A YEAR after it happens, esp as said partner has been talking about it jstfa week before that.
And it shouldn’t be necessary to ask for support each and every single time you need some. Some occasions will be more obvious than others and surely that one is??
I mean the OP’s friends know she will need the support so why is her l’arrêtent, who is living with her all the time, not seeing it??