Am I being a princess or should OH remember this kind of stuff?!

[notonmynelly]

I know life doesn't revolve around me. OH has a demanding job but for example I've had important interviews, hospital test results (not serious ones but still) he will never ever remember. I don't get a good luck or "how did it go?" Just makes me feel like I'm not on his radar at all! But I just put it down to busy job and he genuinely forgets. Don't think I would forget if it was the other way around but still.

Today is the anniversary of my Dads death. It was quite traumatic and I was with him when he passed. I feel fine today. To me it just feels like the other 364 days I've been thinking of him. But I find it almost embarrassing that he is the only person who has forgotten again! Admittedly I do keep my emotions to myself, my lovely friend is taking me to lunch to raise a glass to my dad, another friend sent me flowers and a lovely text. But he has completely forgot!

I don't know if I'm being a princess or not. I'm not saying I want to mollycoddled today I just want him to remember my dad that's all.

All morning he's been texting me about an important meeting he has and I've been supportive etc but I think fuck sake come on how you can forget 🙁

Both of my parents have passed away and I was with both of them at the end. I know the date they died but I dont make a "big thing"on the anniversary of their passing.They are in my heart and thoughts everyday. My DH could not tell you the dates of his own parents deaths never mind mine . Though I know the dates.
As for simple hospital appointments my DH never remembers I tell him what happened when I see him. He too has a demanding job that is not 9 to 5.
If it was something serious my DH would be there for me. I know that because it has happened.
My father was a wonderful husband father and grandfather but my mother remembered all the dates, births deaths and marriages etc I would go with my mother to hospial appointments and tell Dad later the outcome/results because my father ran a demanding 24/7 business. They were equal partners and married 60 years.
The important issue is that your husband is loving, caring and supportive especially when it really matters.
Go out with your girlfriends and enjoy and andcraise a glass to your father.
I think you are being a princess. Why could you have not said to your DH that today is the anniversary of my dads death?
Thats what I do.

I don't think YABU OP. My parents separated a long time ago now but my Mum always remembers the dates my Dad's parents passed and visits their grave. Maybe it's a female thing. But I would be hurt also. Sorry for your loss

Spot on elquinto. That's exactly what I think.

@notonmynelly
What was the song? 😊

I wouldn't be happy with my DP with that. I'd text him back saying "as you know its a really difficult day for me, I cant really talka

I don’t remember death anniversaries either, but I do notice when dh isn’t feeling happy and so will try to cheer him up.

Just to add I wouldn't expect him to remember every year. Just the first that's all.

Thank you for the replies everyone and Sorry for your losses 💐

Just tell him, will he be sympathetic and caring if you do? I think that’s the main thing.

This isn’t something that would be on my radar tbh but I don’t remember the dates of deaths in general even for my own family. Does he mark them for himself?

OH has a brain like a sieve. I don't expect him to remember anniversaries of my parents' deaths.

Although, only a year on it will still feel raw for you. Firsts - Christmas/birthday/anniversary after a bereavement are very hard. It does get easier. I remember my parents with nostalgia rather than sadness now.

@GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz hurrah I've worked out how to tag!

It was Black Pearl by Horace Faith 😀

Hi op, my dh remembers every year. I lost my dad tragically almost 20years ago and have known my dh for 12years. So even though he hasn't met my df he has never ever forgotten this date and has always done something special with me to mark the date.

@gamerchick well this is the thing. He hasn't suffered any loss or tragedy touch wood, so maybe it's just all new to him.

@MissP103 that's really considerate of him. Sorry for your loss x

My ex husband didn't remember the date of my Dad's death, I'd always remind him when it was approaching. Also once he asked if we were doing anything on a certain date I said yes there was that trip to the theatre that had been booked for ages. He went quiet and it turned out he'd booked a trip to Paris. Obviously I couldn't be mad as it was a lovely thing and I could move the theatre tickets for a fee but why did he check that after and not before?? In the end I bought him a diary and wrote all important dates and events in it.

I wouldn't necessarily expect him to remember the date out of the blue, but I think the much more significant thing is that you don't seem to have talked to him about it in the run-up - that there indicates to me a huge lack of communication in the relationship.

Sorry - I posted too soon. I don't mean it's YOUR fault for not telling him - I mean more that it sounds as if you don't think you can rely on him for emotional support, because of his generally unthoughtful approach.

Sorry for your loss. As someone who has also lost their father I can understand why you're hurt. Losing a parent, especially young or unexpectedly, is traumatic and the date is etched in my mind so I don't think you're being too sensitive.

Hi OP. I feel my if this was me, my DP would remember it was sometime this month, but would forget the actual date. As much as I would want him to remember, like you, I doubt he would.

I'm fairly certain he would say something along the lines of 'Let me know if I can do anything for you, I know this is a hard time of year for you' in the month of the passing. I don't think YABU, though x

Men are not too busy to remember stuff like this.

Any one event, possibly, but repeated pattern of accepting care and support from a partner without reciprocating is lack of care. Its a bit shit frankly.

After ten years together he should know when key family birthdays fall if he is 'too busy' to do the wifework for them.
He should also be able to show a bit of care and consideration.

How many work meetings does he ignore and forget about? Its about giving partners and family the right priority.

I don't think you're being precious at all. My DH's mum died 15 years ago, long before I was in the scene, and I put the date in my calendar so I would always remember. We don't do much but I just make sure I'm kind and give him space to talk or not talk, and we raise a glass to her over dinner. It's not hard to make a small effort to remember.

So very sorry for your loss ... I don't think YABU but some people are not good with actual dates and if you confront him about it and he has genuinely forgotten, he will feel guilty no doubt, but also probably angry that you didn't tell him what date it was and how terribly you're feeling. It's not always thoughtless, but sometimes it's not intended at all to forget the actual date. Just talk to him when he comes home

As much as I would want him to remember, like you, I doubt he would

Does he know how to use a calendar? Does he miss work stuff? There is absolutely no more excuse for a man "forgetting" this stuff than a woman.

Actually i would be hurt if my other half didn't remember- especially if you were close to your dad. And the first anniversary is hard. Anyone who says you are being unreasonable must have been lucky enough to not have have experienced the loss of someone very close to them (imo anyway) Or maybe they just deal better with grief than I do.
Sorry about your dad x

It's not just today though is it? You say he never asks about important events in your life.. interviews, hospital appointments etc.
Does he ever express an interest in your day or pick up on how you're feeling?
He sounds insensitive and self absorbed. You're not being a Princess to tell him how that makes you feel. I'd find it hurtful.

I don't think you can generalise about men, although I think women are put under greater social pressure to remember them than men. I am HOPELESS with dates - it's honestly really weird, if you asked me off the cuff my children's birthdays I would have to really think, whereas my mother can remember the time to the minute we were born. I am a high-achieving, focussed person, a loving wife and mother, I do a lot of the wife work, send sympathy cards (at the time), work hard to make birthday and christmas special and magical - but I really, really struggle to remember dates. My DH is like a human calendar, he can connect dates (a bit like my mother, like 'isn't it funny how x y and z are all in x month, or four people's birthdays are on the 15th, or this is the date your great aunt julia died) - I love, cherish, respect and adore him, but i literally cannot naturally remember dates. Anything important I'd have to have it written down. But maybe this is what he should have done? E.g. a friend lost a pregnancy late on - I have a recurrent annual reminder to check in a couple of weeks before hand to say I'm thinking of her. Otherwise it would not really come up in my head (and I've already forgotten the actual date. Because no date stays in my head).

Sorry, I just want to show how for some people, remembering dates comes automatically and seems like a sign of love and respect, but some loving, respectful people just aren't made that way!

for your loss, OP, I hope the day is okay.