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Original poster

Am I being a princess or should OH remember this kind of stuff?!

114 replies

notonmynelly · 11/01/2018 09:53

I know life doesn't revolve around me. OH has a demanding job but for example I've had important interviews, hospital test results (not serious ones but still) he will never ever remember. I don't get a good luck or "how did it go?" Just makes me feel like I'm not on his radar at all! But I just put it down to busy job and he genuinely forgets. Don't think I would forget if it was the other way around but still.

Today is the anniversary of my Dads death. It was quite traumatic and I was with him when he passed. I feel fine today. To me it just feels like the other 364 days I've been thinking of him. But I find it almost embarrassing that he is the only person who has forgotten again! Admittedly I do keep my emotions to myself, my lovely friend is taking me to lunch to raise a glass to my dad, another friend sent me flowers and a lovely text. But he has completely forgot!

I don't know if I'm being a princess or not. I'm not saying I want to mollycoddled today I just want him to remember my dad that's all.

All morning he's been texting me about an important meeting he has and I've been supportive etc but I think fuck sake come on how you can forget 🙁

OP posts:
MonumentalAlabaster · 11/01/2018 10:46

My DH is hopeless with dates. He doesn't remember birthdays/anniversaries or other significant dates - he has to be reminded of his own birthday!! His mother died in 2010 and I will often be the one to comment that it is the anniversary of that day, and he just says "oh yes." He loved his mother enormously so it's not callousness - he's just not sentimental about such things.

But if you are hurt because in general your DH is so self-absorbed he gives no thought to your life, then that is an issue.

timeisnotaline · 11/01/2018 10:46

I would be hurt. If you text back ‘it’s the anniversary of dad’s death, please understand I’m sad today’ would he huff and be defensive? Because that would be shit.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 11/01/2018 10:46

Even if he didn't remember the date he surely could have remembered the approximate time of year and asked you - and then followed up on the exact day later. But this seems like a general pattern rather than a one-off and put in context it seems like you do all the giving and he does all the taking as far as support goes. That's not fair and he is being an entitled dick in my view.

MonumentalAlabaster · 11/01/2018 10:48

giddyupnow I am just like your DH - a human calendar! And my DH is just like you

saladdays66 · 11/01/2018 10:49

Sounds like it's not just about your dad but about all the times your dh has been selfish/insoncderate/hasn't listened to you or been bothered to ask about how you are. He sounds like a selfish twat, sadly.

And you're not being a princess to expect your partner to ask about these things and look after you! Can you talk to him about it? Alternatively, I'd stop doing all these things for him. Forget about everything he has going on his life and if he asks you, just say, 'Sorry, - so busy with my own life/work that I forgot'

See how he likes it.

Flowers - sorry for your loss.

TakeTheCrown · 11/01/2018 10:49

Tell him you're going out with a friend to mark a year since your DF passed. You could text him after his meeting if you wanted, and say you didn't want to distract him.

That way it doesn't sound like he's let you down (and some people are just truly very bad at remembering dates, we can't help it!) and he's available to support you in the evening if you need it.

HermioneAndMsJones · 11/01/2018 10:50

Well I would be pissed off because you really aren’t in his radar.
I don’t agree that it’s ok for your PARNTER to forget that, even less so when he has seen you go through it just a year ago.

Clearly your friends remembered so it must have been quite traumatic.

It’s something big that has affected you a lot. He should want to support you.

He sounds very self centred tbh.

Original poster
notonmynelly · 11/01/2018 10:51

@giddyupnow you are totally right some people are terrible with dates. To be honest I think I'm just using today as the straw that broke the camels back.

Communication has been a massive issue with us. I'm very much a talker and communicator but he is not at all. We have had counselling but I just think we are wired differently. I will talk to him about it when he gets home.

OP posts:
TakeTheCrown · 11/01/2018 10:51

(That said, day to day things like job interviews and test results I would remember to ask after, I don't want to tar myself with that brush...)

PinkyBlunder · 11/01/2018 10:51

My usually wonderful DH did the same to me OP. He forgot the first year and it really hurt me. It just felt like he was off carrying on as normal without a care in the world, whilst I was stuck at home with the baby unable to get away from it. Truth be told he’s forgotten most years since too but I’ve just sort of let it go, I’m not about to make the whole thing more traumatic for myself. Although he was close to my Mum, he’s also never experienced real personal loss either. I do think that’s got a lot to do with it. He can’t really have any sympathy for how I feel until it happens to him. He’s also shit at remember things generally. We have a shared calendar on our phones and iPad and we both enter things on there with alerts which usually helps that problem.

It’ll be 6 years this year and I’ve noticed I’ve sailed through the last couple barely realising what date it was. It does get easier Flowers

HermioneAndMsJones · 11/01/2018 10:52

And just to reinforced the message

YOU ARE NOT OVERSENSITIVE OR A LITTLE PRINCESS to expect your DH to remember such a date.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 11/01/2018 10:53

@notonmynelly
Listening now. I like it! And a great song to remember him by, very uplifting lyrics. Have a good day as best you can nelly.... Flowers

Kewcumber · 11/01/2018 10:54

@notonmynelly I'm so sorry. My mother died on new years day and her funeral is today. Are both of his paretns alive because I do think that if you haven't suffered such a close loss you have little idea of how devastating it can be.

Some people, especially those who are hard of feeling do find it hard to empathise if they haven't been through it themselves.

But I do think a previous poster is right - what is more important is how he reacts when you remind him. Some people have said they don't commemorate their own parents death in any special way but that's irrelevant, if it's upsetting to you he should want to make you feel better.

lynmilne65 · 11/01/2018 10:54

what is a 'comforting stew'??

HermioneAndMsJones · 11/01/2018 10:55

Btw I am crap with dates too.
So all the b’days from my IL as well as my own parents are in the calendar. So I dint miss them.

I’m sure if he is so busy and good at his job that he can do the same thing and put that date in his own calendar(electronic, at work, on repeat once a year), not hard to do really.
But for that you need to WANT to remember it because you know it’s something IMPORTANT, just as important as th meetings he is gong to at work.

Original poster
notonmynelly · 11/01/2018 10:55

Thanks everyone for your lovely messages, they have really helped and also cheered me up 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
notonmynelly · 11/01/2018 10:59

When I say cheered me up I mean I'm
glad it's not just me who thinks DH is a twat and that I'm looking forward to spending the days with my friends and having a wine 🍷 or an Irish whisky really in true Dad style.

OP posts:
WelshVix · 11/01/2018 11:00

Hubby and I share an online calendar which is on our mobiles, any appointments/birthdays I drop in there, that way he see's them on his calendar and it jogs his memory. Sometimes work just gets in the way, I get annoyed when hubby misses things. But this has definitely helped and reminds him that there are things going on in parallel to his busy schedule.

Somersetlady · 11/01/2018 11:02

Like a previous poster I find it very srange you would not have said to him in the run up that the anniversary is coming.

Do you keep your true feelings and worries hidden from him often?

Why are you setting him a “challenge” to remember when you could just tell him and presumably (if he is not a total arse) have the support and sympathy you crave?

Original poster
notonmynelly · 11/01/2018 11:04

@Somersetlady it was my dads 60th last week and we were talking about it then. Hardly a challenge to remember.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 11/01/2018 11:08

If you are someone that dates and anniversaries are important to, for some people they are and for others not, then he should know that. And therefore yes he should remember. He is maybe you could sit down and explain that dates really matter to you and on this particular date you would like his emotional support as you are going to be vulnerable. Then next year he should remember.

mimibunz · 11/01/2018 11:08

You're not being a princess at all. I think he's being incredibly insensitive. You deserve to be coddled and cuddled today! Flowers

LoniceraJaponica · 11/01/2018 11:10

"Why are you setting him a “challenge” to remember when you could just tell him"

This is what OH says to me. He tells everyone that he can't remember birthdays/anniversaries and doesn't want them to play the martyr because he has forgotten. He actively asks people to remind him when important dates are coming up. His memory is even worse after his stroke so I have to make allowances.

loobyloo1234 · 11/01/2018 11:11

Why are you setting him a “challenge” to remember when you could just tell him and presumably (if he is not a total arse) have the support and sympathy you crave?

Biscuit
Somersetlady · 11/01/2018 11:12

So last week you spoke about it if it is on your mind as one would expect the day before etc why not say I am dreading tomorrow for obvious reasons. I just don’t get the

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