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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another inheritance one...

138 replies

TW1984 · 10/01/2018 13:40

My aunt died in November - my dad's sister.
She had no children and her husband died around a decade ago. Her only living family are my dad, me and my brother, and our children.
My dad spoke to my Aunt regularly and visited her often. My brother and I visited her when we could, and had her round for Christmas etc in her last years. I wrote to her regularly between visits, and she wrote back - not estranged or strained relationship at all.
Her will has just been read. She has left her house to a couple she met on holiday around 30 years ago, and maintained a friendship with. She has left the money in her bank account (almost quarter of a million ££) to her friends daughter.
She has left my dad, my brother and I one hundred pounds each.

I wasn't expecting anything (much), but am I being unreasonable to feel insulted by what she has left her family, compared to her friends?
I could understand it more if we were distant, but we weren't!
The will was written 15 years ago and has remained unchanged in that time, so I don't think it was anything to do with the friends putting last minute pressure on her...

OP posts:
EivissaSenorita · 10/01/2018 16:05

@MyBrilliantDisguise why mention how much contact/letters there was at all then if it doesn't come into it. I'm sorry but bringing up the distance travelled etc clearly leads to expecting some sort of 'pay off'.

Original poster
TW1984 · 10/01/2018 16:14

I mentioned the distance travelled, to show that I couldn't just pop in weekly to see her/check on her etc. Hence the letter writing.
What a bitter little creature you are, to only see the worst in people Eivissa... Bet you get a kick out of your nasty comments?

OP posts:
EivissaSenorita · 10/01/2018 16:18

Ok you say you mention the distance as proof you couldn't pop in and out every week but again why? Does it correlate to the amount you deserve? I don't have a negative view of everyone I have a negative view of whining relatives like vultures over inheritance.

ChaosNeverRains · 10/01/2018 16:27

Bear in mind that this will was written fifteen years ago. There is no way of knowing what the circumstances were back then and chances are she may have thought about updating it but then just never got round to doing it.

The reality is that you may have been close to her now but were you as close fifteen years ago? Or were these friends potentially closer?

I think that if a will is written recently and writes out close family it is hurtful but something written fifteen years ago I’d be assuming different time, different relationships etc. People don’t always think to update their wills even if they intend to.

Many, may years ago when I was still married to eXH we had a will which left a large amount (I won’t go into too much detail as it’s potentially outing) to a couple who were very good friends of ours but who had been through an incredibly difficult time in their lives. There was provision for our wider extended family as well in the event there were no surviving children (if there had been children everything would have gone to them,) but eXH very much felt that friends’ need was greater than that of family who were all in well paid jobs and well off in their own right.

As time moved on things changed and we lost touch with the friends in question. However we never did get round to updating the will, we always talked about doing so but life got in the way and we figured the chances of us all dying together were remote so we’d get round to it some day. We’re now divorced and as such all financial arrangements have changed. But had we all been killed together when we were still together the friends would have inherited despite the fact we hadn’t seen them for some time. TBH I wouldn’t have begrudged them the money even then but legally things might have been seen as difficult if the families had taken exception.

Doubletrouble99 · 10/01/2018 16:30

I think the OP was trying to explain her relationship with her aunt in order that we can understand why she might be hurt by the very small bequest which as far as I and most others on here would consider a snub.

EivissaSenorita · 10/01/2018 16:34

But it is really neither here nor there. The problem is OP had an expectation which hasn't been met so feels hurt/snubbed.

ChaosNeverRains · 10/01/2018 16:36

The thing is, the OP’s travel to see her aunt has happened since she’s been in the home and subsequent to the will having been written. The OP isn’t wrong to feel that she’s been snubbed given the relationship she had with her aunt most recently, however it does mean that the aunt would consciously have had to think “oh, I must rewrite the will to include more money to OP and other relatives,” whereas she probably just didn’t think about it, given she was in a home, probably wasn’t in much control of her money or needing to spend it etc iyswim.

ChaosNeverRains · 10/01/2018 16:39

Ultimately nobody is really in the wrong here.

The aunt made a will fifteen years ago which left her money to some friends. For whatever reason she didn’t update it, whether she just never got round to it or whether she deliberately still wanted the friends to inherit is something she can never clarify because she’s not here to do so.

EivissaSenorita · 10/01/2018 16:43

Well you can say the OP feels like she was owed something as she had a close relationship with the aunt over the last 15 years but it still doesn't equate to how the money should be split. Expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed.

WhatIWant · 10/01/2018 17:10

EivissaSenorita
I don't have a negative view of everyone I have a negative view of whining relatives like vultures over inheritance.

That's a really nasty comment to make. Lots of posters have said they don't agree that the OP should feel snubbed but they haven't felt the need to be so snide and unkind about it.

VladmirsPoutine · 10/01/2018 17:16

I don't care if it makes me sound entitled but yanbu. She might as well have left you fuck all. I'd be very hurt and yes it's no shame in saying that sometimes it is about the money.

ShatnersWig · 10/01/2018 17:18

Eivissa I think most people would say you're coming over as extremely unpleasant on this thread

EivissaSenorita · 10/01/2018 17:20

@WhatIWant I personally think it's nastier that an old woman's life is reduced to who gets what

Rafflesway · 10/01/2018 17:22

TW, I so understand where you are coming from.

I don’t think people realise it’s rarely the actual money/property involved but more the underlying message Sad.

My lovely DH experienced similar from his DM. The bulk of her estate was left to his elder sister for no obvious reason at all. DH was still left a reasonable sum but nowhere near that of his DSIS. My DH was devastated and it was nothing to do with the money - we are quite comfortable ourselves and his dsis is much wealthier. He said it was like his mum saying that she loved his sister more than him which was certainly never apparent during her lifetime. It took DH years to come to terms with it. He invested the money left to him and never touched it. We have agreed it will just be passed to our DD once we die.

We still have an excellent relationship with his DSIS but personally I can’t understand how she just kept everything anyway. DH would DEFINITELY have insisted everything was split evenly despite the will but that’s a whole other story.

I can totally understand how you feel, OP, and IMO and from my DH’s experience, YADNBU.

Lizzie48 · 10/01/2018 17:24

I agree that Elvissa is coming across as really unpleasant. The OP is entitled to feel disappointed and hurt, as she did have a relationship with her aunt. She's not saying she was entitled to the money, just Why was she passed over for a friend's daughter?

PatCliftonspostbag · 10/01/2018 17:25

What has your dad said about the will op?

EivissaSenorita · 10/01/2018 17:26

@Lizzie48 comparison is the thief of joy

Lizzie48 · 10/01/2018 17:28

I agree that she should let it go, but she's allowed to feel hurt. Tbh, we don't really have control over how we feel, as long as we don't hurt people in RL as a result. She's come on here to vent.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 10/01/2018 17:29

Think back 15 years to when the will was written. What was your relationship like then? How often did she see the friends then? How old was the daughter?

That's all much more relevant than current affairs.

ShatnersWig · 10/01/2018 17:30

Bet the OP wouldn't feel upset if everything had gone to charity. It's not about the money itself. It's about the feeling that other people, one of whom hadn't even seen her aunt for at least 3 years, were presumably felt more important

Bellamuerte · 10/01/2018 17:32

In your position I'd look at contesting the will.

MonumentalAlabaster · 10/01/2018 17:36

On what grounds could OP possibly contest the will Bellamuerte? Feeling disappointed & hurt does not constitute legal grounds on which to do so. She is not a dependent.

OVienna · 10/01/2018 17:42

I agree with Bella. Just get an understanding of what would be involved. It seems very odd all around.

MonumentalAlabaster · 10/01/2018 17:46

Why was she passed over for a friend's daughter?

Perhaps she should get in touch with the people who inherited her aunt's estate to see if she can discover the answer to this question. There might be a very good answer.

LillianGish · 10/01/2018 17:47

What was the situation 15 years ago? The £100 each seems to be sending a very clear message - ie you are not being overlooked, but that’s what she wants you to have. My dh’s aunt did a similar thing when she left what little she had left to a friends stipulating that under no circumstances did she want her son to receive a penny (she had good reason). It does seem rather mystifying if you all thought you had a good relationship with her, but maybe she just didn’t feel that close to you when she made the will 15 years ago.