Laughed at - aibu to think its my fault somehow?

[ashamed1234]

I had a long journey today with a lot of luggage. Three hours cross country on train. Struggled very much with my bags. I'm dyspraxic and a bit awkward at times. I'm also tall and fat (because I binge and comfort eat), have spots because hormones are out of whack/trying to get used to new contraceptive. I know I'm not pretty, I try, shower daily and spend lots on smellies, make up and nice clothes etc. I can't do much about my confidence or my dyspraxia etc. My eyebrows need waxed at the moment and I hadn't straightened my hair so maybe I looked awful.

Anyway when getting off train tonight the couple behind me , looked my age ish, then nudged me and said oh you dropped something so I turned around to check and they both cracked up laughing. I know it sounds so minor but people have done this since I was very young and it brought back memories. In school it went to sexual assault eventually, boys and girls would 'dry hump' me forcibly or chair I was sat on, in classroom in front of staff . Teachers said they were just having fun and 'that's what boys do'. Had cream sprayed in my hair once, a full bottle of coke poured on me.. In public I've not had worse than like today, although a man once screamed in my face in a shopping centre whilst others laughed. Or people shout things out of cars. I've never understood why or how to respond.

Today has really knocked me as stupid as it sounds and I'm wondering what I did to cause it and how I can change it. I've new flatmates moved in recently (uni) and worried they will think I'm ugly or whatever too , and be secretly laughing.

I don't know what to do. I don't see it happen to others , maybe just don't notice but felt so stupid. There were at least ten others getting off that train too. They must have seen. It seems so silly to get upset, just brought back horrible memories and makes me wonder why I still have this in my late twenties.

The thing is I'd like friends, a partner, but the way I feel about me.. I think no-one would take me seriously as a partner and if they complimented me I'd think they were lying. I've never dated at all. Another thread probably .. just feeling really down and wondering why tonight :( I don't want to feel sorry for myself, I'm a mixture of angry and frustrated with me, embarrassed and just bloody sad.

It's not you, it's them

Next time that happens call them cunts or dicks and walk away.

You absolutely shouldn't feel ashamed.

Your experiences sound terrible but you desperately need to get some confidence.

What I would do is start with one small thing you prioritise, and if I were in your shoes, I would make that my weight/health.

You need to get an exercise and healthy eating programme together and pour all your energy into that. You'll find that you'll get shit loads of confidence from that, and it will ripple out into the rest of your life.

As a start, I recommend yoga, and more specifically Adriene's free True plan on YouTube. There's a moral support group for it here on MN too.

Oh honey. Those people were utter arseholes and I don't know what void of emptiness they have in their lives that makes them behave that way.

Here is the thing you must repeat: you don't owe it to anyone to be pretty. You aren't less valuable or less amazing or less deserving of respect and kindness because you didn't straighten your hair or wax your eyebrows. There's nothing wrong with doing those things, but they are for you not anyone else.

I can also confidently say even without having met you that you are more attractive than you think you are, because we focus on our flaws and are conditioned to think we have to look a certain way.

The people on the train can go and fuck themselves if they think it's a moral failing to not look like Kate Moss. You are brilliant, you have fantastic qualities, you are a person worthy of respect and dignity.

They’re dicks OP, it’s really not you

I’m short and fat and I don’t do anything with my hair or wear make up or nice clothes. I don’t expect people to love me but I expect them not to laugh at me.

OP I am so sorry to read your post and all that you have been through. You sound really down and upset. Everyone deserves to feel loved and to love someone. Not everyone finds making friends etc easy and when we've had our confidence knocked from such a young age it makes it harder.

Regarding today's incident, I am constantly shocked at how rude and toxic some people can be towards total strangers. I was on a train recently and had to listen to 3 adults make very loud comments & judgements on other passengers. It got to the point where I actually told them to keep their opinions to themselves. But these individuals are in a minority. They are ridiculous, small-minded and vile. Whatever shortcomings you perceive yourself to have, take heart that you are not one of these awful people.

Honestly it's not you, it's them.
Attractive people also have people shout things / get bullied sometimes too.
These people are the ones with the problem.

YANBU! Hold your head high sweetheart and tell anyone who does that to you 'Fuck off'. Then ignore

So maybe I looked awful. Why are you making excuses for these idiots. Even if you did look awful that does not gI've people a free ticket to abuse and humiliate you.
Also the school has a lot to answer for. No its not just what boys do. The school enabled the abuse and also have a lot to answer for.

Please stop blaming yourself and apologising for who you are.
(((((((((((()))))))

They sound awful. If I had been behind you I would have helped you.

They wouldn’t have behaved like that if you were a man. Not sure if that helps but I always remind myself of this when similar happens to me (got called a fucking fat slag by a group of rather chubby teenagers last night because I didn’t have a cigarette for them. Three smoking men that passed were not asked for a cigarette)

I'm sorry OP that you're feeling bad. The couple on the train sound childish and mean. If I saw someone do something like that I'd be looking at them with absolute disgust and certainly not judging you. It sounds like you had very difficult school years; children can be so horrible. Experiencing bullying can have a real, lasting inpact on self confidence, have you ever considered getting counselling to help deal with these difficult experiences? Sorry you're feeling low. It sounds like you are about to start an exciting new chapter in your life. Im sure you'll make friends and get a partner. The people on the train were idiots and thankfully not everyone is like that. Sending you hugs!

Nasty idiots. Stay strong.

That's horrible, OP. I have had similar things happen to me - e.g. random people shouting out of a car window that I'm ugly, getting tripped up in public - it really is horrible and humiliating and a reflection on them, not you.

You say you are in your late 20s - if it's any consolation, I found this sort of thing got less frequent as I grew older and stopped happening altogether when I hit my 40s. People often say that women become 'invisible' as they get older - normally as something to be sad about - but I found this to be true and welcomed it.

I think when you are younger, other people can spot that you don't fit into a pattern of conventional attractiveness, and single you out as a target. As you age, you gradually become 'just another middle-aged woman' - and there is a certain 'levelling' out of attractiveness as everyone ages, which serves to make those who have always been plainer less conspicuous.

As others have said, I am sure you are more attractive than you think you are - please don't let these idiots knock your confidence - things will get better for you.

What disgusting people. It is definitely THEM, not you.

I know "it's not you, its them" sounds like a clique that people say to make you feel better, but I honestly can't stress how true those words are.

They're hateful morons and actually I pity them. I would hate to be so hateful, stupid and empty that I relied on making total strangers feel shitty to make myself feel as close to happy as it's possible for such a hateful, stupid and empty person to get. They are worthless flesh wastes and deep down they know it. That's why they do it.

I know it's easy for me to say but try to rise above. It shouldn't be too hard when you're dealing with low down gutter scum.

There are nasty people everywhere who do nasty things to everybody.

If it happened to me I would just loudly have said 'dickheads' then forgotten about it and just written them off as twats.

You haven't got a lot of self esteem and your confidence is low so you've come up with a lot of reasons why it must be your fault and why it is because of your personal appearance etc.

It's not. It's because some people are unpleasant enough to like to play nasty tricks on people struggling with a lot of bags. That's it. Everybody else who noticed would have thought they were nobs.

Your self esteem has been wrecked by what happened at school and you need to build it up.

Get up every day and look at yourself in the mirror and say 'I am worthwhile, I am worthy of respect, I am equal to every person I will meet today'. And mean it. Keep saying it to yourself.

Could you take an assertiveness course too?

Absolutely disgusting behaviour that only reflects on them and not you. It's a cliche I know but imagine how miserable and twisted you must be inside to go out of your way to try and make someone else feel shit.

I agree with a pp, if you're not happy in yourself then maybe look into some exercise and balancing your diet out, but do that only to make YOU feel good and not to look good or for anyone else. You may find it helps balance out your hormones if nothing else.

You sound like a lovely person, sensitive, articulate and intelligent and I wish you all good things. Hold your head high because you ARE worth it.

ashamed please change your user name! You have absolutely no reason to feel ashamed. You come across as a lovely person. In your new life you are going to meet shits and you'll also meet and make friendships with some good people too. Concentrate on the good people. They are the ones, like you, that are really worth knowing. Good luck to you and please, oh please do not let the shits ( like the ones you met today) grind you down. Look to your amazing future, there will be many people like me, willing you on.

They are nasty horrible trolls. They think it makes them look cool but in the real world it doesn't. It must have reminded you of school, which by the way was absolutely not just what boys do. Bullying stays with you a long time, perhaps you could seek some counselling.

In the meantime, you are a person that matters. You don't need to work at making yourself presentable for other people (despite washing which you do). Who gives a fuck if your eyebrows need doing? It's not what matters. Treat yourself tonight and remember they are arseholes

They’re shits OP. Be kind to yourself.

How rude of them. You should have pulled them about it...'why are you laughing?'. If I had been there I would have helped. I think you should concentrate on being a nice caring friendly person, the rest should fall into place.

They’re horrible and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

You could be the ‘ugliest’ person on earth and their behaviour would still be nasty and completely unacceptable.

School bullies often grow up to be adult bullies. Please, dont be shamed by people like that. Theres nothing wrong with you, they are sociopathic.