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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Laughed at - aibu to think its my fault somehow?

99 replies

ashamed1234 · 09/01/2018 18:45

I had a long journey today with a lot of luggage. Three hours cross country on train. Struggled very much with my bags. I'm dyspraxic and a bit awkward at times. I'm also tall and fat (because I binge and comfort eat), have spots because hormones are out of whack/trying to get used to new contraceptive. I know I'm not pretty, I try, shower daily and spend lots on smellies, make up and nice clothes etc. I can't do much about my confidence or my dyspraxia etc. My eyebrows need waxed at the moment and I hadn't straightened my hair so maybe I looked awful.

Anyway when getting off train tonight the couple behind me , looked my age ish, then nudged me and said oh you dropped something so I turned around to check and they both cracked up laughing. I know it sounds so minor but people have done this since I was very young and it brought back memories. In school it went to sexual assault eventually, boys and girls would 'dry hump' me forcibly or chair I was sat on, in classroom in front of staff . Teachers said they were just having fun and 'that's what boys do'. Had cream sprayed in my hair once, a full bottle of coke poured on me.. In public I've not had worse than like today, although a man once screamed in my face in a shopping centre whilst others laughed. Or people shout things out of cars. I've never understood why or how to respond.

Today has really knocked me as stupid as it sounds and I'm wondering what I did to cause it and how I can change it. I've new flatmates moved in recently (uni) and worried they will think I'm ugly or whatever too , and be secretly laughing.

I don't know what to do. I don't see it happen to others , maybe just don't notice but felt so stupid. There were at least ten others getting off that train too. They must have seen. It seems so silly to get upset, just brought back horrible memories and makes me wonder why I still have this in my late twenties.

The thing is I'd like friends, a partner, but the way I feel about me.. I think no-one would take me seriously as a partner and if they complimented me I'd think they were lying. I've never dated at all. Another thread probably .. just feeling really down and wondering why tonight :( I don't want to feel sorry for myself, I'm a mixture of angry and frustrated with me, embarrassed and just bloody sad.

OP posts:
ObscuredbyFog · 09/01/2018 19:54

I agree with everyone else, it's NOT you OP, no-one deserves to be treated like that.

When you say you struggle massively with your bags, could you maybe re-jig the way you pack things, get bags or suitcases that are on wheels, a cross-body handbag so that won't slip off your shoulder, with a front pocket for spare change and any documents or important papers you need in the next 24 hours.

Look at and practise alongside YouTube tutorials until you are confident for how to fold and pack things to save space so you won't need as many bags. There's loads of help around, sometimes it's just knowing where to look for it. Flowers

susurration · 09/01/2018 19:54

How awful for you. I'm sorry that you have had to deal with that. It's not you, it is definitely them.

Unfortunately people can be real dicks. Something similar happened to me on a train; the day my grandfather died, my Mum and I had to get the train across the country with several suitcases and my uni laptop and books to get to my grandma. It had been snowing, we had been awake since 3.30am (when we got the call he had died) and got the train at 6.30am. A pair of idiotic women, who were middle aged and should have known better, sat across from us whispering and giggling about how shit we looked, how we needed to cheer up etc. All Mum and I were trying to do was sit with our eyes closed for half an hour of a five hour train journey, on one of the worst days of our lives.

So you are not alone, for what it's worth (not a lot probably) but I hope it comforts you that it really is just other people and NOT you. Flowers and a Brew

homtardy · 09/01/2018 19:55

What a pair of morons. I'm so sorry you went through that, OP. You sound like a beautiful person to me. Flowers

Laughed at - aibu to think its my fault somehow?
RagamuffinCat · 09/01/2018 19:58

It isn't you who should feel embarrassed, it's them. Some people are just nasty.

Ravenesque · 09/01/2018 19:59

I'm glad that people's posts here have helped. Seriously you could look like the elephant man and it still would have been all on them. Laughing at people you don't know and who aren't standing on stage as comedians is just so out of order.

It's easy to say that in that situation you should say this or do that, but not all of us are built that way and anyway even when one is quite gobby, it's easy to be caught on an off day where all you want to do is cry and crawl under a rock.

You're clearly a good person - especially given the work you've done and the degree you're doing - that is worth so much in this world. You are definitely worth more than that horrid couple and I hope that you'll wake up tomorrow read this and feel able to face the day. Oh and never be ashamed of who you are or what you look like, or anything like that. Who you are is plenty good enough.

Blueskyrain77 · 09/01/2018 19:59

They are just nasty people. Why not try some confidence building, courses are available. Also why not try weight watchers that will help build your confidence and give you a aim and target.
Your still so young Flowers

downthestrada · 09/01/2018 20:02

Nasty, horrible people! I too don’t keep in touch with many people from school and feel it’s down to the bullying (for different reasons although I was dry humped too) I received. Can’t remember most of their names now and feel much happier with my new friends - so keep in mind that it does get better.

At university, people were very nice. There was such diversity and so many people, that I felt comfortable. There was no real need to fit into the boxes that they seemed to have at school.

Snuffpuff · 09/01/2018 20:02

You poor thing! It sounds like you've lost all your confidence and I suspect you might be ultra sensitive because if your past experience. Having said that they sound pretty sad if they were mocking you - I assume if they're your age they're fully grown adults and they really ought to have something better to do. Most people are kind - it's unfortunate you came across some of those in the minority. I do hope things look up for you soon.

SukiTheDog · 09/01/2018 20:04

OP, they’re idiots and cruel. It’s NOT you, darling. Be kind to yourself and try to forget it.

Might it be worth seeing your GP? Perhaps some counselling or self esteem workshops. I’ve done this and it helps.

Take care Flowers

MavisPike · 09/01/2018 20:09

Just as others have said , it's them not you
Don't ever change who you are

sarahjconnor · 09/01/2018 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniethinggose · 09/01/2018 20:20

Please don't question yourself because of those twats.
Don't even try to change yourself, on account of anyone else. There is nothing wrong with you, only the types of pathetic lowlives who think it's funny to tease strangers.
You're as entitled as anyone else to go about your daily life unapologetically with your head held high.
I hope you're feeling better soon, there are some horrid folk out there. Fortunately they are in the minority, which is why you probably won't have noticed the same nastiness happening to others. Flowers

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 09/01/2018 20:24

It’s NOT your fault, absolutely not your fault. People can be callous, please don’t take this to heart. Not everyone is spiteful, tragically the spiteful people are the ones we notice.

19lottie82 · 09/01/2018 20:27

You sound lovely OP and they sound like pricks!

ShoesHaveSouls · 09/01/2018 20:27

Oh I just want to give you a big hug Thanks

Yes to volunteering, book groups etc - anything that get's you out doing stuff and building your self esteem.

And I just wanted to say, that if I had been one of the 10 people that saw what happened on the train, I would've been sickened. Some people are just horrible. It's possible nobody noticed a thing though - people are generally very self-absorbed.

ferntwist · 09/01/2018 20:29

YANBU. You sound lovely and they sound like small-minded idiots. It’s definitely not just you. A bloke shouted abuse at me on a train once and it hurt me for ages. Most people would never dream of behaving like this but the idiots spoil it for everyone.

ferntwist · 09/01/2018 20:30

Also I highly recommend Retinol cream for bad hormonal skin, ask your GP for it on prescription. It sorted mine out wonderfully.

April229 · 09/01/2018 20:30

You sound so lovely OP and they sound such ugly, horrible people. How dare anyone behave like this to you. Tell them to fuck off and Please be furious not embarrassed or self doubting.

If I don’t make an effort I can look awful - but honestly I don’t give a shit, it’s no ones business. It doesn’t say anything about who I am as a person. To hell with your eye brows - you’ve got a life to live.

Get some confidence- even pretty people don’t always look the way they want. Have a look at some of the fashion blogs for taller, larger ladies and try and feel some of the confidence they have - we all have to style out skin break outs and crazy hair sometimes, just that confidence can be really Attractive to friends and partners.

ferntwist · 09/01/2018 20:34

Adapalene is the retinol skin cream to ask your GP for. Also antibiotics can help, I used these too. Don’t suffer bad skin in silence! I know how much it can wreck confidence and how great I felt when the cream started working wonderfully.

April229 · 09/01/2018 20:36

Oh and to forgot to say, my brilliant friend who is a tallish size 14 was called a ‘fat cunt’ on a night out once by a man in a taxi que, because she ignoring him while he tried to catch her eye. She’s gorgeous, really pretty and no one would call her fat or a cunt. It was horrible. People are just idiots sometimes.

Chipsahoy82 · 09/01/2018 20:41

Oh OP, this makes me so sad and brings back such awful memories. I too had similar treatment at school and it’s affected me for the rest of my life. I feel like I get laughed at everywhere I go as I have a speech impediment, so it makes me not want to talk to people I don’t know. People have laughed in my face and been cruel about how I speak, and it’s really difficult to overcome this feeling of embarrassment and low confidence.

I haven’t really got any advice I’m afraid, I just wanted u to know you’re not alone and these things do happen to good people. You’ve just got to rise above it and know that you’re a better person for not behaving as appallingly as they did. Flowers

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 09/01/2018 20:44

I’m not surprised that your confidence is low. Those people are absolute scum. I have no useful advice at all but wanted to add to the comments saying that you sound really nice.... kind and fun and interesting.

missperegrinespeculiar · 09/01/2018 20:46

Just wanted to say you sound absolutely lovely, smart and interesting

People like that... they may look like they are happy, popular and having fun, but I don't think people that nasty can ever be truly happy

Real happiness comes form deep, loving connections with other human beings, people like that are not capable of this

People like you on the other hand are, I bet your life will be 100 times happier and more successful

Don't feel ashamed, get angry and then pity them

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 09/01/2018 20:48

Look how many friends you’ve made already op. You’ve got a fan club! 😊

dutysuite · 09/01/2018 20:50

Agree, it is not you but them. I would have told them to F**k off personally. If I was there I would have done it on your behalf!

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