Laughed at - aibu to think its my fault somehow?

[ashamed1234]

I had a long journey today with a lot of luggage. Three hours cross country on train. Struggled very much with my bags. I'm dyspraxic and a bit awkward at times. I'm also tall and fat (because I binge and comfort eat), have spots because hormones are out of whack/trying to get used to new contraceptive. I know I'm not pretty, I try, shower daily and spend lots on smellies, make up and nice clothes etc. I can't do much about my confidence or my dyspraxia etc. My eyebrows need waxed at the moment and I hadn't straightened my hair so maybe I looked awful.

Anyway when getting off train tonight the couple behind me , looked my age ish, then nudged me and said oh you dropped something so I turned around to check and they both cracked up laughing. I know it sounds so minor but people have done this since I was very young and it brought back memories. In school it went to sexual assault eventually, boys and girls would 'dry hump' me forcibly or chair I was sat on, in classroom in front of staff . Teachers said they were just having fun and 'that's what boys do'. Had cream sprayed in my hair once, a full bottle of coke poured on me.. In public I've not had worse than like today, although a man once screamed in my face in a shopping centre whilst others laughed. Or people shout things out of cars. I've never understood why or how to respond.

Today has really knocked me as stupid as it sounds and I'm wondering what I did to cause it and how I can change it. I've new flatmates moved in recently (uni) and worried they will think I'm ugly or whatever too , and be secretly laughing.

I don't know what to do. I don't see it happen to others , maybe just don't notice but felt so stupid. There were at least ten others getting off that train too. They must have seen. It seems so silly to get upset, just brought back horrible memories and makes me wonder why I still have this in my late twenties.

The thing is I'd like friends, a partner, but the way I feel about me.. I think no-one would take me seriously as a partner and if they complimented me I'd think they were lying. I've never dated at all. Another thread probably .. just feeling really down and wondering why tonight :( I don't want to feel sorry for myself, I'm a mixture of angry and frustrated with me, embarrassed and just bloody sad.

Astounded by how horrible people can be. People who are truely happy in themselves do not behave like this towards others. They obviously have nothing better to do and feel the need to inflict the hate they feel for themselves on others. They sound like utter cunts.

You sound lovely though. When I was a teenager strangers used to comment on me too (overweight and a goth- I stood out). As an adult I've never really got over it and whenever I go out always have my headphones in so I can't hear any rude or mean comments.

We tend to focus on the negatives and I am sure your new flatmates will not think you are ugly. I found people at Uni to be much kinder than people at school so give them the benefit of doubt and go into your house share with your head held high showing them what a fabulous, amazing woman you are.

You said you are overweight from comfort eating- I totally get this! This was me too. Have you tried joining a Slimming World group or something similar? The support network there really helped me lose weight and more importantly to feel confident. Perhaps if you felt more confident you would focus on your positives more (which I am sure there are many) and less on the negatives.

Hope you feel better soon xx

If I had seen it I would have been silently judging the pathetic pair of cunts who were acting like playground bullies, not you, and I am sure that any decent people who saw them were judging them and not you.

Fuck those assholes!
It's definitely not you!
The world is full of nasty persons. One way to address this is to call them out on their behaviour or respond back sarcastically. Defend yourself. Don't take crap from these idiots!
As for the way you look, work on it if you feel it is needed. As PP said, diet, exercise, lots of water, skincare regime, new hairstyle, new clothes. Things to boost your esteem and confidence.

Please don;t take it personally - I guarantee they would have done this to any female on their own.

If you were feeling gorgeous and attractive you probably would have taken it as a compliment! When we're at a low ebb we tend to take everything as proof of our ugliness. You just need to work on your confidence.

They're just dim and don't have any other way of entertaining themselves.

Ignore, have a lovely evening.

These people are arseholes, there's nothing you can do about other people being complete dickheads.
You do need to work on your own confidence though, once you are some self confidence things like this are easier to brush off in my experience. Is there something you particularly enjoy doing? I started a book club in the hopes of making friends with like-minded people and it really did wonders for my confidence and spurred me on to do and try other things.
Hope you're ok OP and try not to let the idiots wear you down

If the only way that couple could feel good about themselves was to make you feel bad about yourself, then they are to be pitied. And I’m so sorry this horrible experience has brought back such awful memories for you.

If you are welcoming and friendly to your new housemates, I imagine the last thing on their mind will be thinking you are ugly. Unlike the idiots in the station, the majority of people aren’t that pathetic.

I was going to mention assertiveness/confidence building classes but see Elton is one step ahead. They might help you start to see yourself as just as good as anyone else and as worthy of respect as anyone else. Because you absolutely are. Unfortunately bullying at school often leaves people with an unjustified sense of inferiority that can be hard to move on from.

Everyone else would have been thinking they were idiots, even if they didn't have the courage to say anything. I'd have told them to grow up.

Try to put it out of your head. It's not you.

Hard as it is to do, if anything happens again turn around and say something like oh bless you, does it make you feel better? Accompanied by pitying look, and walk away.
The secret to a happy relationship will be feeling confident. Looks are not the foundation of a healthy relationship. Who you are is why people love you. You can be drop dead gorgeous, loaded and still get cheated on / have disastrous relationships. Honestly, learn to feel confident, it will pay off massively. I lose weight when I’m happy and confident. Probably because I’m not comfort eating. You sound lovely, you can turn this around. The horrible specimens you encountered will either always be horrible, or have to live with the guilt of their behaviour when they finally grow up.

Oh sweetheart I am raging for you. Just raging. Those absolute assholes. Pigs. Swine. I wish you had the courage to stop, look them in the eye and let them know that they are behaving atrociously. But you didn't. Let's hope Karma is on to them very soon.

You are obviously at a low point, and very critical of yourself. It is not much consolation, but mostly people don't take that much notice of our appearance. It is fleeting. What we do notice is how you speak, respond, interact. That's what makes for a human relationship. The person that is you - not the physical body. A nice smile is what I notice most.

They are horrible on the inside. No cure for that!

Oh gosh , thank you all so so much

Made me cry

I have managed to lose weight before , it only worked twice when it was for me iyswim. Put it back on fast as I don't deal with stress well. I'd love to lose it again, I know I can do so if I try properly. My self esteem is at rock bottom yes. I think even if I was seven stone lighter (goal is 10 stone) I'd still have issues maybe.

I've never discussed some of the bullying with anyone. Told a doctor once who said I should have kicked them in the balls. Probably not the answer. School were crap - notorious for it - and bullying was very low on their agenda unfortunately. I was , am, still too embarrassed to talk and feel I'd be making a fuss over something really common iyswim. It sitll affects me daily though.

Hopefully flatmates are nice. Will try to leave room a few times tomorrow to meet them properly.

Re things I like doing.. I love working with the elderly - was suggested I volunteer with Alzheimer's charity as did uni placement there not long ago. I do love reading as well, a book group would be fab. And yy to yoga too (one time dyspraxia comes in very handy as very flexible!) .

Uni are doing a refreshers week so will see what's on offer there - very science/tech uni but will see , I'm not a very sciencey person (despite doing a BSC in healthcare job!) .

I've done the headphones too, usually podcasts or audiobooks so I feel less alone and csn focus on what they're saying rather than anything else. Works well at times

Thank you

That was a really heartbreaking post to read Please don't let those morons upset you. Try and get out and do things that you like where you might meet new people (hobbies/groups) and gradually build your confidence up that way x

Nobody should be picked on because if their appearance. It is mean. However your confidence does seem low OP so you could try things to make yourself better. I had a horrible bout of acne in my 20’s. I had a special facial that did a deep cleanse it really helped. It did my confidence loads of good. A good haircut can make loads of difference too. Walking and fresh air helps. Ultimately if you give off signals of a lack of confidence twatty people hone in on it. Maybe some kind of assertiveness class will help. I’ve got to say there is some vile behaviour that goes on and I think it’s getting worse. It reflects more on the nasty people than on you. Take care. X

Nasty, nasty people. I promise you those who witnessed this (they should've stepped in and offered support, but..) would have felt nothing but disgust towards the couple. Nothing more that childish bullies. You have nothing to blame yourself for, they just had nothing better to do, nothing else to occupy their small minds. They chose to pick on a random person which unfortunately happened to be you today, to make themselves feel better or as a childish way to try and impress each other. It's not a one-off; they'll be picking on another poor soul tomorrow...you were in the wrong place at the wrong time OP, that's all.

I also imagine that few people, if any, would have even registered what was happening. Most people are generally preoccupied with their own thoughts to pay much attention to what's happening around them on public transport.

They're a pair of idiots if they think that was funny.

What horrible people! I can assure you, what they said reflects very badly on them, they're obviously awful people so please don't listen to them or take those comments to heart.

I've had similar experiences where people have called me ugly, it really upset me for a while and I have really low self-esteem due to comments like that. Unfortunately, one of the boys in the group who called me ugly was a neighbour's son. I see him around regularly, and I hope he's embarrassed/ashamed about what he did as he's never quite been able to look me in the eye again, especially if he's walking with his Mother!

Sadly there are a lot of arseholes around who behave like that to make themselves feel superior. In fact they are fucked up and have their own insecurities. Pay no attention to them. Instead think about working on your confidence. X

NOBODY has the right to make you feel shite. There's probably a lot wrong in their own lives, that they think this is a way to make their day go better.
I'm sorry you had to experience this. [flowers[

I hope he is watercolour, embarrassed I mean. I haven't really seen anyone from school since I left ten years ago. I moved away, well thirty miles away, then two hundred miles. Wanted to be somewhere that no-one would know me and could start fresh. Very difficult at times.

I'm feeling a good bit better for posting on here so thank you so much . Going to try for an early night and read this through again in morning , as lots of really helpful posts.

You sound really interesting. You like some of the same stuff I do. You sound like a nice person too.

Just remember when you are meeting your flatmates is that you are equals, you are just as worthy as them and they should be wanting to be friends and get on with you as much as you want to get on with them.

Don't bother thinking about what unpleasant people think, they're not worth wasting the thought on and I'm sure you have better things to do.

Everyone here is right - it’s not you. You aren’t rude, mean-spirited or lacking in basic civility. You are (I surmise from your post) quite the opposite. So feel a little bit smug about that ;)

I’m sorry things have been tough, but you sound like you have a lot to offer. You also sound like you have a very clear appraisal of yourself. Does this appraisal include all of your good points, rather than just ones you think aren’t so great? (btw, I hear you about the eyebrows. Mine are a national disgrace right now).

Oh sweetheart. You sound overtired and like you need to have a bath, hot drink, easy read & an early night.

First off, spots and weight can be temporary, nobody cares about them. They certainly never put me off anyway (tbh I'm not exclusively attracted to thin people and I bet neither are most people - we're just told we should be). Never seen anyone gracefully manoeuvre luggage into luggage racks, and it's not exactly a quality that would make anyone's top ten dating preferences either You sound well-groomed and I'm sure people can see that you do make an effort with your appearance. You are also clearly intelligent and thoughtful, and those are extremely attractive qualities.

Train people were dicks. Please ignore. People looking at them will have been thinking they were dicks too, rather than thinking anything about you.
I went to a school where everyone seemed to be a target at one point or another. Just a really stressful environment where people got locked into the same old modes of operating and game playing. It really had little to do with personality, looks etc, but was rather just that the environment was unhealthy and people, many of whom would have been quite different had there been different expectations of behaviour, just got trapped in the same tired old nastiness.
When we all moved for sixth form/college and went into other environments, the bullies pretty much stopped bullying and the victims stopped being victims, from what I could tell.
I'm very sorry those things happened to you at school. They don't mark you as a person though. It's on them, not you.

I expect these strangers who are treating you badly guess rightly that you are too polite a person to retaliate, or that you may not have the confidence to do so, and so choose you as their victim. That is probably the only reason that it is you and not someone else. They clearly have some shit playing out in their heads and this frankly unhinged behaviour (who shouts at strangers, seriously) is just a pattern they've got into. If this happened to me I would have raised an eyebrow and asked them what they were playing at - you need to realise that this is not normal! Their behaviour is just bizarre, got nowt to do with your looks.

Re: flatmates, do any seem like potential mates? Do you have an online house chat where you can plan nights out etc? Can you organise a low key night down the pub or maybe knock on doors and see if anyone fancies a drinks & monopoly or movie night? They'll probably be grateful that you take the initiative. But please don't assume from the off that they won't like you, it'll just create unnecessary distance. There's no reason for them not to like you, they don't even know you.

You sound absolutely lovely and the sad gits on the train are pathetic for behaving as they did. People like that are absolutely pitiful, in the eyes of most other folk as well.

So contact AgeUK and get yourself a role as a befriender, I bet you'd be smashing at that. Go to the library and find a local book club, and the leisure centre will have details of yoga classes.

Work on your health and fitness, put yourself first, and maybe have some counselling to address the bullying you experienced at school. Your personality shines through in your posts on here.