To be annoyed at the midwives comments

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38 weeks pregnant. Just left the day assessment unit at the hospital as my own midwife asked me to pop down there and get checked over, babies movements had slowed and wanted to double check all was ok. Thankfully he is fine. Now..

I have a lot of stretch marks and I'll admit they look awful. I'm very small and carrying a huge baby, genetics probably have a part to play ìn my misfortune. My stomach is covered completely.

Got put onto a bed and lifted my top to allow for the band's to be put around my bump, she starts gasping and enquiring "oh god whats that" referring to a tattoo I have on my belly that has stretched and faded due to stretch marks. It doesn't look pretty but it's clearly a tattoo. Then she points out a belly button piercing scar that has stretched and split.

Then she continues pointing at other stretch marks, blemishes and veins you can see on my bump, commenting how badly damaged I am (those were her exact words)

"Wow you are really damaged"

Then made a comment about rethinking any more babies and laughed.

I was humiliated. I'm extremely insecure about my stomach because I know exactly how bad it looks, I'm only young aswell. I wouldnt have ever expected such comments from a midwife at the hospital.

Aibu to be offended?

YANBU - she sounds like a dick. Try not to worry.

YANBU -Thats awful and humiliating. Can you make a complaint?

YANBU at all! What a horrible woman. I also had a similar appointment at a midwife appointment towards the end of my pregnancy, I was also covered in stretch marks and she was checking my bump and gasped and said 'blimey you haven't escaped these have you? It's like a roadmap!' Those words have never left me I was so upset! It's such a vulnerable time and midwives should know better.

Just know that in time you'll have your beautiful baby, and my stretch marks have ALL faded silver and are clearly there but barely noticeable.

Think it's a bit uncalled for, not a particularly nice bedside manner. But some people just don't think before they speak.

YANBU at all. That was incredibly rude. If it makes you feel better I had loads of stretch marks on my stomach when I was pregnant and they very quickly faded to silver (dd is nearly 3 and you can hardly see them). Thankfully no one commented on them while I was pregnant I think I'd have either cried or slapped them.

That would upset an awful lot of people. It might be worth seeing if there’s a service users group, liaison committee or similar, who might be able to raise it as an issue (assuming you don’t want to complain, either formally or just via ringing the ward manager). I did, more than a year after having DS, because I was still unhappy
at how I was spoken to while I was in labour - I didn’t want to complain, but I did want to feedback on how I had been made to feel and how this could be avoided in future (nothing major - just speak kindly rather than snapping).

You might not want to do this now, very understandably, but you can always raise it later. If you want to.

Stretch marks do fade - mine were really quite livid and now they’re far less obvious.

She sounds horrible and unprofessional. Your stretch marks will fade to tiny silver lines (mine did) and I'm sure you can have some kind of tattoo cover up art done in the future, if necessary, and if it bothers you. Please dont let this upset you or make you feel vulnerable.

How rude. Definitely call her out if there's a next time and politely tell her you don't appreciate her remarks she'll back off.

YANBU. My body is also hideously scarred as a result of pregnancy and I'm upset enough without someone pointing it out.

YANBU
I would complain, she said uncalled for things to a vulnerable hormonal woman and she should know better. She needs to be told it's unacceptable or she might do that to more people.

That would have upset me, and I wasn't particularly young. I'm also pretty thick-skinned. I'm sorry you had to listen to that, OP.

I'm a midwife (although not currently practicing). In all of my years of experience I have never heard any midwife say anything like that! We see women with huge stretch marks on a daily basis - it's part of pregnancy, as are stretched tattoos etc. That midwife needs extra training in her communication skills. Along with a good kick up the arse.

Thanks for your replies. I'm glad people don't think I'm being unreasonable. I did wonder whether being upset was an over reaction based on the fact they're something I'm insecure about.

I just smiled and laughed along with her "yeah I pulled the short straw there" I joked, but once she left the cubicle I could have cried.

I've looked at alot of other ladies bump pictures online and I can only describe my stretch marks as "skin splits" lol. I've stretched out that much you can see little veins in my skin and some areas of bump are really shiny due to how much the skin has stretched.

I wouldn't rethink my pregnancy for anybody, stretch marks or not I'm proud of what my body has achieved, growing a little (big) human, I just feel gutted that someone in a position of professionalism felt the need to point them out as though I'm completely oblivious and don't have to see them myself every day when I shower :(

I don't want to make a full on complaint but I definitely want to raise it so it doesn't happen to somebody else

Not nice at all

You shouldn't be spoken to like that. Make a written complaint.

I think the Mums net "Did you mean to be so rude" phrase would come in to play next time she comments - completely unecessary

I don’t see how you can raise it without a formal complaint.

I think it’s worth complaining, it was a very insensitive thing to say.

Wow, that's horrible, very tactless, very thoughtless and completely inappropriate for anyone, let alone a healthcare professional, to pass comment on.

Definitely make a written complaint. She has no right to make personal and insulting comments to you.

On another note, your belly will recover remarkably well after the arrival of your baby. Congratulations btw.

YANBU how disgusting of her to make comments about your body and appearance, you should complain, I doubt you're the only one

Definitely complain. She's a midwife. She shouldn't be going around insulting pregnant woman. What a disgrace

Take care and enjoy the last few weeks!

There's always the standard MN response.
"Did you mean to be so rude?"

or how about (instead of that sappy comeback)
'why are you being so fucking rude. bitch?'

YANBU she was horribly unprofessional and should be told so by her manager.

I bet you’re bloody gorgeous OP.
You’ll have that beauty that only pregnant women have. The midwife was an unprofessional fool to speak to you like that. Won’t be long until you have your amazing baby in your arms

I'm hoping I won't see her again as she was based on the day assessment unit. My own midwife has never said anything so personal, even though she sees them in all their glory every fortnight now. I've also seen consultants up until 28 weeks who have never so much as batted an eyelid about them.

My friend who was with me said she doesn't think she meant any offence and that perhaps cultural differences played a part and that could just be how they are where she's from. That annoyed me and i said she's talking a load of old bull as it doesn't matter if somebody is from Nigeria, China, London or timbuktu.. being insensitive is nothing to do with creed. The woman was clearly unprofessional but that's due to who she is as a person. My friend isn't racist, she is mixed raced herself, but I felt it was a stupid response and not very helpful