To be annoyed at the midwives comments

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38 weeks pregnant. Just left the day assessment unit at the hospital as my own midwife asked me to pop down there and get checked over, babies movements had slowed and wanted to double check all was ok. Thankfully he is fine. Now..

I have a lot of stretch marks and I'll admit they look awful. I'm very small and carrying a huge baby, genetics probably have a part to play ìn my misfortune. My stomach is covered completely.

Got put onto a bed and lifted my top to allow for the band's to be put around my bump, she starts gasping and enquiring "oh god whats that" referring to a tattoo I have on my belly that has stretched and faded due to stretch marks. It doesn't look pretty but it's clearly a tattoo. Then she points out a belly button piercing scar that has stretched and split.

Then she continues pointing at other stretch marks, blemishes and veins you can see on my bump, commenting how badly damaged I am (those were her exact words)

"Wow you are really damaged"

Then made a comment about rethinking any more babies and laughed.

I was humiliated. I'm extremely insecure about my stomach because I know exactly how bad it looks, I'm only young aswell. I wouldnt have ever expected such comments from a midwife at the hospital.

Aibu to be offended?

💐 - the same thing happened to me, but 26 years ago and I would have hoped it wouldn’t happen now.
I was in ante-natal with high bp, a plainclothes midwife approached with a retinue of student midwives and asked if I minded being examined with students present for training purposes, of course I was happy to oblige. On palpating my bump, she proclaimed to her students “This is what happens to ladies who don’t look after themselves!” I was just 20 years old. I felt my face burn with shame and embarrassment and fought back tears. I’d done the whole fucking cocoa butter thing and hadn’t gained any non-baby weight. I thought my body was ruined. I’m tiny.
Three years later I had a lovely toned abdomen (buried under lard now) and the stretch marks had faded so you had to know they were there to see them close up. I bet she was still a twat though. I wished I’d spoken up. The student midwives looked stricken at her words in their defence.

I am a midwife and horrified at how another health professional could be so insensitive. I would probably be asking her whether she missed the cultural safety part of her degree.

Yes please lay a complaint, I hate to think how many other vulnerable pregnant women that midwife has made to feel inappropriate and ashamed.

My rule is to never mention any blemish unless the woman mentions it first, and even then just to reassure and compliment. Even if there is something I am concerned about and needs to be mentioned, there are tactful ways to do it without making the woman feel like crap about it. It is not that hard, and as a midwife, it is indeed part of being a professional.

A similar thing happened to me with an inappropriate midwife. I was 21 when I had my first and did gain a lot of weight in pregnancy so was referred to have a GTT anyway I asked one of the mw why I needed the test (hadn't heard of it and it was my first pregnancy) and she said "it's because your fat." I was too embarrassed to complain.

Same thing happened to me 15 years ago.

Lifted up my top, midwife said ‘blimey, look what baby’s done to you!’

Horrible.

Yes you have scars. But your body has made a baby. Your body is awesome. And soon you’ll be having newborn cuddles x

'Some people just don't think before they speak'
That's just an excuse for rudeness. Perhaps its way past high time that someone made her think. Some people are uncomfortable with their bodies as it is without called professionals passing comments

YANBU. Sorry to hear how you felt. It doesn't sound very professional of her.

My community midwife, at a home visit to see the baby outright asked if my dh had a specific condition due to the shape of his shoulders. He looked surprised and said no. It concerned him though so ended up seeing the GP to make sure there was nothing wrong. (There wasn't)GP response was that she was a good midwife but sometimes said things without thinking first. I don't know if he mentioned anything to her.

I suppose midwives are no different to any other profession in that sometimes people don't act as professionally as they should.

It is worth you giving feedback though as she may not even realise until someone tells her how she makes people feel when making such comments.

I hope it doesn't make you anxious about the birth. I wore a nightshirt during labour and a gown to go to theatre for a c section.

Hope everything goes well for the rest of the pregnancy. When baby arrives it will all be worth it.

YABU to be offended. She is just a midwife, not JohnRuskin. I don't think that her aesthetic opinion is of any value. However, she was very rude, terrible customer service, this would never happen in a competitive healthcare system. You should report her to her superiors.

I took part in a voluntary study during my second pregnancy as I had a high BMI (30+) and they wanted to see me every week (after 28 weeks) to do a 3 hour minimum glucose test plus other tests/examinations etc
One time i was asked if some trainee doctors could examine me and i said yes. They were supervised by a midwife and obstetrician. The first one had to find the heartbeat but he couldn't. He was getting flustered so the obstetrician snatched the Doppler from him and practically slammed it on to my bump. She couldn't find it either. I was beginning to panic. She (without addressing me or offering reassurance) turned to the student, put her hand on my stomach, grabbed my flesh, shook it and said "All this doesnt help!" She then pointed at another student and said "Let's see if you have any success!" At this point I'd started to cry. My midwife stopped them, took the Doppler and found the heartbeat instantly. I lay there feeling exposed, humiliated and relieved all at once. ( I had suffered a late miscarriage previously). The mw was so lovely and reassuring. She asked the doctor and students to leave and wait next door while I dressed. She said she was going to get me some tea and biscuits. She then went into the next room and let rip. She was saying that patients like me were very valuable to the hospital as I was helping them set up a help service for obese mothers to be and that because women feared ridicule and judgement not many of us signed up. Plus she would be looking after women bigger than me. She said if she ever witnessed her or her students disrespecting and frightening vulnerable patients in the future she'd put a complaint in and would let the patient know they could too. She also told her to refamiliarise herself with the doppler.
When the mw came back she apologised and said she understood if I wanted to withdraw from the study but hoped I wouldn't. Not the doctor nor her students came to apologise. When I went back at 39 weeks that doctor was on duty and I refused to be seen by her.

not much to say that's not already been said about your thoughtless midwife..
but on your stretch marks have you been using bio oil? if not start today! it a really good oil for stretch marks and scars of any kind, im 5'2 and my husband is 6'4 and our son was huge! and i was like a bloody blimp when pregnant, i used the bio oil a few times a day and i have minimal scaring now, and it works on old scars too
www.bio-oil.com/nz/nz-en
hopefully you can get it where you are, it will help your skin so much and hopefully stop that splits ( i used it on my lip piercing scars and other than one tiny dimple you would never know i had them)

When my DS was born the midwife said " oh he's got a face only a mother could love"

Yes some are just plain nasty.

Yanbu. I had my consultant check me over at my 6 week post natal check (24 years ago, don't know if mum's even have them now), he asked if some students could observe, "of course" says I. Out comes the contraption to open up your vagina (like when you're having a smear) "ooooh look she's ovulating" proceeds to let all of them look up my vag, in turn. I was ok with that. He then, wobbled my belly, with great gusto, with his hand and said "hmmmm, you need to do something about this" - I went rose red with embarrassment. Fucker.

I think it's always tough when someone is rude to you and you are taken by surprise, then afterwards you think of a dozen witty comebacks that failed you at the time.

Try not to let it upset you, but know that if anyone says anything again you'll be ready for them.

A very similar thing happened to me.

I had a scan at a referral unit because they couldn’t see the 4th chamber of my babies heart.

The specialist that was performing it pointed at the tattoo that I have on my lower stomach (stretched due to pregnancy) and announced ‘and what the HELL is that meant to be’

She then went on to say about my baby ‘well she’s clearly a girl, 100%’

Erm, we hadn’t asked, as we’re toying with the idea of having a surprise, but that’s that out the window then. DH was furious.

I put it down to a lack of people skills.

She definitely needs more training. Your marks will improve (and hopefully practically disappear) but she'll still be an arse!!
When you're in labour you probably won't care who sees what, but (assuming you're having a "natural" birth you can usually keep a nightie/tshirt/loose dress on if you want to.
If it's really bothering you, you could also consider a water birth - I had one with dc1 and it's amazing, plus your stomach would be covered by the water, so potentially you'd find that helpful?

What an idiot. She should have been entirely focused on your baby's health. Unprofessional.

After having ds2 who was a good size with a large head one mw who visited me at home asked if id had stitches. When i said no she looked surprised and smirked saying "well that isnt anything to brag about"

Rude

How rude of her!!
I had a really horrible PUPS rash at the end of pregnancy that covered most of my body, along with some horrendous stretch marks.
Almost immediately after giving birth, the rash started to go. DD is 5 months now and the stretch marks look a lot better already.

YANBU OP.
It's funny how things that midwives say stay in your mind forever. I can't recall specifically word for word a single thing a GP has ever said to me over the years, but comments from midwives at births and check ups drill in there and stick around for years!

It's probably because we're hormonal and anxious and vulnerable all at once.

A silly one i remember at the birth of DD4 (4 years ago) - while i was in labor a midwife commented (perfectly kindly) how 'decorated' i was. I was in the bed and DH was helping me remove 3 bracelets in preparation for having a cannula. I remember thinking ... 3 bracelets? 3? Highly decorated?! ..... really?

I said nothing, just smiled. But felt quite put out and weirdly among all the other high drama of that night i've never forgotten that bit

How awful op. I had really awful stretch marks on my stomach with my second child but luckily no-one ever mentioned it. They have largely faded now.

I know you don't want to do a written complaint but I think you need to talk to someone senior or send an email if only so that she learns not to do it again. You seem strong and very grounded but this could lead to all sorts of problems for women with mental health conditions or anxiety or body image conditions.

Good luck with the birth and your new little one.

A constructive, non aggressive response to comments like these is always to say gently, "how would you feel if someone said something like that to you?"

It's not arsey but might make them think!

I can't get over some of the stories on here, how bloody awful and shocking, actually.
Some people have no idea how they could hurt someone who isn't expecting such personal attacks and who is there purely for the health of their baby.
Not as bad as most, but when I went to my second antenatal appointment for DS3, the midwife lectured me about how I should 'go on a diet' and that I was risking GD. I'd gone up to a size 10 which was 'rapid' weight gain. I'd spent over a decade of battling an eating disorder and fixated on what she'd said for the rest of my pregnancy.

I'm appalled at how many women have had similar (and worse) experiences to myself with innapropeiate comments made to them. I had hoped the insensitivity I received would be very rare, it appears not.

It definitely sticks with you. I've been even more self conscious about bump since this occasion, over examining myself in the bath driving myself nuts about whether or not I can see any new marks sprouting.

I had a scan yesterday and the sonographer estimated that baby is at least 9lbs 8oz right now at 38+2. I know it's only ever an estimation but what we do know is he's a big baby. I can just see me getting more of these bloody presents in the final couple of weeks as he packs on his last bit of weight. As the sonographer was a bit concerned about his size, coupled with the fact i have bad SPD and the fluid was bordering on the high side, she sent me back up to the day assessment unit. This was the same place I had the thoughtless remarks. Well I had another shitty experience, they just rushed me straight back out the door. Had no interest in examining me or talking to me about the concerns raised by the sonographer.

I'm beginning to think this is a really bad hospital in general, barring the small amount of lovely staff I've encountered there who seem to be in the minority