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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that some women are naive in thinking their male friends don't want more

80 replies

yawlinhere · 09/01/2018 14:53

I have this friend, she is classically attractive, tall, blonde, legs to here etc etc.

She always says she has lots of male friends more than female as she just gets on with them better. And they all text her a lot, and occasionally stray into flirty messages (she is married, they are married).

Does she not understand they are all just keeping in touch in the hope they'll get into her panties? Or is that me having a sweeping generalisation view?

They all stray into flirting, when she split up with her ex-husband, suddenly loads of them started texting and calling. I was not shocked lol.

So are they "friends" or are they "lechers" (or does it matter?)

OP posts:
ClaryFray · 09/01/2018 15:52

You are projecting op.

I have several good friends who are male, more than women. Because I can't be done with the drama that comes with women in my friend circle.

But you know I'm sure your friend has nothing to offer friends other than her body and sex Hmm

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 09/01/2018 15:56

Btw, I’m attracted to men and women and I have friends who are just not attractive to me personally (even though they’re definitely attractive by most conventional standards). And then there are some friends where I can tell that they are attractive but I’m still not attracted to them.

I if I am attracted to a friend... well, acting on it just wouldn’t be worth it.

Also, I know quite a few gay men that have platonic friendships with other men...

LeCroissant · 09/01/2018 15:57

It must be how I choose them but I've had five male friends come on very strongly to me while I was in a relationship (the one I'm still in, with my DH!). I didn't have any feelings for any of those friends and I was surprised and annoyed when they tried to make more of it, particularly as they expected me to break up with the person I actually loved! In one case it was lust, that's one thing, but in the four other cases it was basically 'I'm in love with you I can't live without you' sort of stuff. I don't think I'm particularly desirable or attractive so like I say it must be the guys that I end up friends with. Anyway, I stay in the 'acquaintance' zone with men these days - it's just easier. My female friends are fantastic and none of them so far has tried to split my marriage up!

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/01/2018 15:59

I have male friends who have wanted to or would have. Then I've had male friends who wouldn't have.

I've seen shitty men and shitty women. The misogyny on here is astounding sometimes.

LeCroissant · 09/01/2018 16:01

I have to be very honest and say if a woman says 'I prefer being friends with men, I find women too bitchy' I just think 'fuckwit.' If you've been in a lot of bad situations with women it doesn't really make sense to say 3.5 billion people who happen to have XX chromosomes are the problem. Perhaps think about what the common denominator in all those situations was?

Skarossinkplunger · 09/01/2018 16:02

Is it really misogynist of me to prefer the company of men? Like I say the bullying I endured at school has made me wary of groups of women. I don’t think so.

LeCroissant · 09/01/2018 16:03

Is it racist for a person to say they prefer the company of white people Skarossinkplunger?

Skarossinkplunger · 09/01/2018 16:03

There’s plenty of people on here who have been assaulted by a man and are therefore wary of all men.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 09/01/2018 16:03

As for the feelings of these male friends.

I’m conventional beautiful but I look quite nice imo (I feel like I’m bragging...)

Yes, some of my male friends did try it on. And some didn’t.

But ime that usually happens in the beginning. And not after years of friendship.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 09/01/2018 16:04

There are a few m/f relationships like this certainly. I'm not really sure what the purpose of your post is?

Skarossinkplunger · 09/01/2018 16:10

And in a way I do see your point LeCroissant but if I had said I was bullied ( and by that I mean verbally and physically assaulted) by a group of males so I chose only to be friend with women I think people
would think differently.

Mintychoc1 · 09/01/2018 16:11

It's funny how lots of posters are saying that they have mostly male friends and are certain that none of these men fancy them. Which kind of proves OP's point!

OP I think what you say probably does apply a lot of the time. And even if your friend's friends aren't actively seeking to have sex with her, they probably enjoy being around someone who is very attractive. I had a friend at university like this - she was stunning, and had loads of male "friends" who she truly believed had only platonic ideas. But it was painfully and pitifully obvious to the rest of us that they fancied her like mad!

Original poster
yawlinhere · 09/01/2018 16:11

I guess my purpose of my post was to get other views out there.

My friend obviously has other qualities than looks, that's why I'm her friend lol.

But I think she would say the same thing as Skarossinkplunger - that none of her male friends are interested in her in that way. I've read some of the messages she has shown me. Believe me, they are interested in her in that way, in a big way in some cases. Is she just not seeing it, or does she secretly see it and like it?

And yes it's none of my business, and I don't tell her anything, I'm just interested if it is genuine not seeing it, or genuine not really minding and just enjoying the attention

OP posts:
popcorntime1 · 09/01/2018 16:12

I think it’s perfectly possible to have platonic relationship plus you can think someone’s attractive but not be attracted to them.

However as I get older & am seeing marriages/relationships break down I do think that more men would take up the offer of no strings sex from a female friend then vice versa.

Skarossinkplunger · 09/01/2018 16:13

What I said was it is possible, I don’t know if that’s the case with her friendships but if you read my messages with my friends you would find nothing salacious I can assure you.

LeCroissant · 09/01/2018 16:14

I don't think so Skaross. There are many many threads on MN arguing that we can't assume men are all violent, that it's not fair to assume a man might attack you etc. FWIW I think it's actually fair enough that a woman might avoid men because they assaulted her. So I suppose in that case I get where you're coming from. From my point of view I think it's a shame that your experience when younger has cut you off from supportive and positive female friendships as an adult - those bullies are still having control over you.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 09/01/2018 16:15

*I’m not conventional beautiful but I look quite nice imo.
Grin

I feel like we shouldn’t generalise. I don’t doubt that some of these men are hoping to have intercourse. And some were maybe hoping to do so at one point. Whereas others value her as a friend. (or maybe value her as a friend but still wouldn’t mind...)

NKFell · 09/01/2018 16:17

I think men and women can be friends and I am friends with both sexes.

Since others have mentioned this, I'll chip in too to say I personally think 'I prefer male company' is misogynistic, not all women are 'bitchy' or any other stereotype for that matter.

tenbob · 09/01/2018 16:20

Most of my male friends are gay or married to my friends, so I'm pretty sure they don't want anything

My legs only go to though, so that might be why

mustbemad17 · 09/01/2018 16:23

I'm not in any way what one would describe as physically attractive, but my two longest standing friendships are with blokes. I hung out with lads as a kid (older brother) & find I can relate better to men. Neither of them have ever tried it on, nor I with them, & although we banter it is very obvious banter.
I find the whole 'if you're mates with the opposite sex one of you clearly wants more' thing ridiculous!

Balaboosteh · 09/01/2018 16:24

I hate “just get into her panties” - it’s the “just” I don’t like. Maybe she’s an all-round fun nice person. Looks alone mean nothing. I’m a good looking woman but men hold back with me for whatever reason. When DP left, a disappointingly low number came forward to offer their services. I would have loved it if they had, and indeed have distanced myself from some male friends who refuse to step up and give me some fun.

JessicaEccles · 09/01/2018 16:27

But so what if the men do 'want more'? If the woman doesn't want to shag them, they can either accept this or go and pout somewhere else.

Skarossinkplunger · 09/01/2018 16:29

There are countless shouts of being a “NAMALT!” time I see the not all men are violent argument on here.

digitalDividend · 09/01/2018 16:29

It's not just you who has such low views of men but that doesn't mean you're right.

You also seem to have a fairly low view of your 'friend' and assume she has little to offer a man other than sex.

Let me guess, you aren't classically attractive and don't have many male friends and this has made you a little bitter.

ChiaraRimini · 09/01/2018 16:30

there are more men who are up for no-strings sex then women in general though.
I have quite a few male friends/acquaintances that I've been to bed with, on occasion, but neither of us are fussed about taking it further. I don't have the same experience with female friends, (with the exception of one).

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