To start wondering if I may be gay...at the age of 32, married and with dc.

[CeNedras]

Oh god this is really mortifying but I've had a couple of glasses of wine and I've wanted to post this for a while.

I'm married, happily-ish, and have two young dc. I don't really know where this has come from but I've been feeling deeply unhappy for a few years.

I've always had boyfriends and male partners. The sex is ok, I'm not that bothered about it to be honest and never climax.

It just sort of hit me the other day. I realised that I do 'check out' women. I only ever fantasize about women when I'm, you know, going solo. I haven't really questioned this because it just felt normal and maybe because it felt taboo (parents extremely old school and very outspoken against homosexuality) Also it just feels safer to fantasize about women (I was subject to an attack when younger)

And I did have a girlfriend at my largely female school for a time when I was 15, semi-serious but I just started dating boys when I moved away for college.

Now I'm not sure if I did that because it was easier. It didn't seem like a conscious decision at the time.

Fuck, this sounds really self centred doesn't it? Obviously I'm not going to blow up DH and dc's lives because I'm confused but is it possible? Can you just 'realise' one day you may be a lesbian or am I having some sort of breakdown?!

I am bisexual and I find women more sexually appealing. I think back about my best friend from high school a lot, we had a very intense relationship. I often dream about her and we have a serious relationship in the dream. I always feel a bit of longing when I wake up. I wish I had experimented more and was able to explore that side of myself.

Saying that, I have a DH and I love him. I find him attractive and enjoy sex with him. I wouldn't change being married to him for the world. We have had ups and downs and sometimes it's difficult, but I don't ever get that longing not to be with him, iyswim? Even though I have the longing to have more experiences with women, I want my DH more than that.

I just thought that maybe hearing someone elses experiences might help you. Also, you don't sound self centered at all..

Yes quite possible. I have two friends who separated from their husbands and then went on the marry their girlfriends, still happily married now.

Agree with AdoraBell

Also had two family member who had a wife and children before they separated and upon exploring found they were attracted to the same sex.

Does your therapist know that your H was sexually abusive?

I'm just checking in and letting you know Iv been thinking about you.

Ah, so the unwanted grabbing and touching is your fault because you didn’t want to have sex, according to him. That would be the last straw for me regardless of sexuality.

It’s no wonder you felt better without him.

At first I was just going to suggest asking your DH if you could enter in a more sexually explorative relationship e.g letting you experiment with women. But the more you’ve mentioned in the posts, the sexual assault the fact you felt ‘lighter’ when you weren’t together. It seems pretty obvious to me that the solution for a lot of your problems would be to leave DH?

I would just tell him you’ve realised you’re a lesbian, that way you could make a clean break with no chance of anyone trying to convince you to get back with him. And hopefully maintain a friendship so the children don’t have to miss out.

Experiment with your hubby. Try a website fab swingers, loads of couples do it. Honest!!!! X under different circumstances i may have agreed with this but tbh this really is a situation of two issues, one - is OP gay / bi and two - is the current relationship worth working at, is she happy with DH and from what I have read it appears not, the sexual attraction is not there, the trust is not there, is the rest of the relationship good? not sure it is really, it all sounds a bit mundane and unless this is put right through the counselling then the relationship will just drift along making neither of them happy. Once this is accepted and the relationship is sorted one way or the other then it is the time to explore sexuality and perhaps try opening out the relationship if it survives and becomes strong or going it alone and seeing where things go when open mindedly looking for a new relationship. swinging is definitely NOT the answer to an unstable relationship, it needs a lot of trust and mutual respect / love to work and this relationship has none of this.