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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To start wondering if I may be gay...at the age of 32, married and with dc.

82 replies

CeNedras · 08/01/2018 21:22

Oh god this is really mortifying but I've had a couple of glasses of wine and I've wanted to post this for a while.

I'm married, happily-ish, and have two young dc. I don't really know where this has come from but I've been feeling deeply unhappy for a few years.

I've always had boyfriends and male partners. The sex is ok, I'm not that bothered about it to be honest and never climax.

It just sort of hit me the other day. I realised that I do 'check out' women. I only ever fantasize about women when I'm, you know, going solo. I haven't really questioned this because it just felt normal and maybe because it felt taboo (parents extremely old school and very outspoken against homosexuality) Also it just feels safer to fantasize about women (I was subject to an attack when younger)

And I did have a girlfriend at my largely female school for a time when I was 15, semi-serious but I just started dating boys when I moved away for college.

Now I'm not sure if I did that because it was easier. It didn't seem like a conscious decision at the time.

Fuck, this sounds really self centred doesn't it? Obviously I'm not going to blow up DH and dc's lives because I'm confused but is it possible? Can you just 'realise' one day you may be a lesbian or am I having some sort of breakdown?!

OP posts:

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 08/01/2018 21:26

Yes you definitely can just realise one day especially if you were raised not to see it as a possibility.

QuietNinjaTardis · 08/01/2018 21:27

I know quite a few lesbians who married and had kids before coming out. They’re all older now and been happily with their female partners for donkeys years.
I don’t really have any advice though. Do you love your husband?

Original poster

CeNedras · 08/01/2018 21:30

I honestly don't know, that makes me quite sad to say that.

He's very hardworking and kind but I see him more as sort of a brother iykwim? We haven't been intimate since before ds (3) was born. Right now we feel more like co-parenting room mates. He seems very happy though.

It feels a bit like I've opened Pandora's box.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 08/01/2018 21:33

You are not self centered and there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you're feeling. Perhaps you are gay. Perhaps not. Whatever the case, be kind to yourself and continue to examine how you feel. My advice would be to enter therapy to help you work through your thoughts and emotions. You deserve to be happy.

Original poster

CeNedras · 08/01/2018 21:45

I was actually thinking that maybe I should start therapy (by myself, we already go to couples therapy)

OP posts:

Iliketeabagging · 08/01/2018 21:47

Give it a go, see how you like it.

Original poster

CeNedras · 08/01/2018 21:52

I wouldn't do that to DH.

I'm still struggling with the idea that I could only just have figured this out. Bit late after marriage and dc isn't it?!

OP posts:

itsbetterthanabox · 08/01/2018 21:55

Sounds like your bisexual. Surely you knew that though as you were attracted to men and women.

crunchymint · 08/01/2018 21:58

Yes some women do get married and have kids before realising they are gay. Some don't realise till their 50's or 60's. Especially if their are not very accepting of it. It is easy to drift into a marriage with a basically nice man, but still be gay.

ferntwist · 08/01/2018 21:59

How come you’re going to couples therapy if you don’t mind me asking? Has DH mentioned the three years without sex? Are these feelings something you could talk to him about?

MissionItsPossible · 08/01/2018 22:02

Give it a go, see how you like it

Erm, she's married

Are you physically attracted to both sexes OP or just women?

AnathemaPulsifer · 08/01/2018 22:02

Happened to a friend of mine. She’s blissfully happy now.

crunchymint · 08/01/2018 22:10

I remember a thread on MN a few years ago called The Turning Tavern. That was all married women, some of whom left their husbands and got girlfriends.

Judydreamsofhorses · 08/01/2018 22:11

I work with two (separate, not a couple) gay women who were married with children before finding female partners. One met her now-wife while she was married to her ex-husband, and it threw her whole world out of synch. The other ended her marriage because she was unhappy, then started to explore feelings she had kept buried for a long time. Both were in their 40s.

Atticusss · 08/01/2018 22:13

This is likely a controversial opinion, especially for people who consider themselves gay but I believe most of us would he naturally bi if it weren't for social conditioning. I had an epiphany at one point, happily in a long term relationship that my 'celebrity girl crushes' were usually a type and realised that I fancied just as many women as men I just had never really thought about it properly. As a teen/young adult I used to say I was straight but open to changing my mind/open minded, but I didn't actively look for women to fancy whereas I did men. That was the social conditioning. I said that I'd tried sex with women and didn't enjoy it, but that was just drunken threesomes with friends really, not someone I'd sought out. Sex dreams are 50-50.

I do regret not having this epiphany when I was single, but I am happy in my relationship, so it could be worse.

VetOnCall · 08/01/2018 22:14

I think it's fairly common to have a kind of 'late realisation'; I know of at least two women who were married to men and had children and are now both married to women, and they were both late 40s/early 50s when it happened. I also have a close relative who was engaged to a man in her early 20s and has now been with her girlfriend for 4 years. Is your DH really happy living as roommates with no sex life? Is that why you are in couples therapy?

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 08/01/2018 22:14

I think that having some time to think and talk about it would be helpful, perhaps with any experienced therapist

You might be gay or bisexual
But in itself I think that fantasising about women is something plenty of straight women do
Particularly as you say you were attacked so fantasising about women might feel safer
And not having sex after having kids is (sadly) quite common too, especially if relationship difficulties

I'm not saying you're not gay, I'm just saying don't start worrying about opening Pandora's box yet, maybe just think about it for a while and seek a good therapist

A separate question is how your relationship with your dh is

cakedup · 08/01/2018 22:14

Personally I don't believe everyone is necessarily 100% gay or straight. I've always had heterosexual relationships but have checked out women before - although I'm more sexually turned on by men, I think women are generally more attractive on the whole!

I don't think you really need to decide whether or not you are gay or straight. You need to figure out whether you want to stay with your DH.

Bluntness100 · 08/01/2018 22:17

You don't have to be one or the other you know. You can be bi. Do you find men attractive?

Viviennemary · 08/01/2018 22:17

It certainly isn't unheard of for women to be married and have children and then decide they are gay. And agree there may not be an absolute one or the other for people. Maybe it would be better just to treat it as you would if you had a passing crush on a man. And carry on with your life and family as before.

Avocadoicecream · 08/01/2018 22:23

Oh this is a tough one. I’m not sure sexuality, particularly in women, is that fixed, so you could be testing out parts of yourself that you never experimented with when younger. In your mind as fantasies. Maybe give the fantasies a bit more free rein, just in your head!

I’m not sure I am convinced by the suddenly discovering you are gay and that this is ‘you’.

However you did fall in love a guy and have committed to him. That’s a big deal. I wouldn’t break this to experiment with your sexuality.

Unless you are unhappy with your husband for other reasons, please don’t give up on him yet.

If you haven’t climaxed or really enjoyed sex, and also had a bad experience in the past, then you have not been able to relax, enjoy and let your sexuality bloom. This means you also won’t have felt that profound sexual connection to your DH. I would be trying to let yourself heal and take more control. Read books or look online for advice or go to a sex therapist. Explore what makes you feel good. When you feel more confident, refresh that side of things with your DH. They say going really slow is key, only touching etc and only doing what feels good.

If your feelings about this persist, about being gay, after you’ve tried to reengage sexually with DH, and don’t go away. Then think again about whether you need to leave. Good luck.

crunchymint · 08/01/2018 22:23

The thing that strikes me is that you say that you have never been too bothered about sex with the male partners you have had. It is common for sex to decline or disappear for a while after children, but generally straight women have wanted and enjoyed sex with at least some men.

The other thing that stands out is your parents attitudes to homosexuality, and in spite of that you did have a girlfriend at 15.

illustrious · 08/01/2018 22:25

Social pressures can make someone try to fit in with the ‘norm’ I did for a long time but never slept with a bloke, just hung around in limbo not being with anyone, until I had an aha moment in my early twenties and slept with a woman. And that was that. It’s entitely possible that you’re gay or bi though if the sex with your DH isn’t doing it for you ( and it clearly isn’t) then i’d Think you’re more towards gay than bi. Sex is important, and so is good sex more to the point I.e. actually having orgasms when you’re being intimate with someone. Otherwise you’ve got a flat mate not a partner.

AdoraBell · 08/01/2018 22:31

I worked with a man who realised he was gay around the time his first grandchild was born.

You definitely can go through life without realising and then have a light bulb moment. That doesn’t mean you are gay though. Only you can know what you feel.

Do you have anyone you can talk to? If not would you consider counselling? Not, I stress, counselling to “make you straight”, I am not suggesting that. Just someone to listen while you get your head around what you are feeling.

Original poster

CeNedras · 08/01/2018 22:32

We started going to couples therapy early last year. It's upsetting to talk about but the short version is dh got drunk and pestered me, and it went a bit too far. I was extremely upset and he said we should go to couples therapy, so we did.

I honestly didn't really think much about it. I still occasionally remembered my gf fondly but it seemed like a completely different 'me' (ok I am starting to sound wanky now aren't I?) and I didn't even look for gf's.

I wouldn't cheat, ever (ironically both parents were unfaithful despite being born again religious types and it made the house a warzone) but I do find myself wondering if it a factor in my long depression.

It's ridiculous that I didn't really think much about it, but my celebrity/crushes have been mainly women (with the odd effeminate actor in there!)

OP posts:

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