To start wondering if I may be gay...at the age of 32, married and with dc.

[CeNedras]

Oh god this is really mortifying but I've had a couple of glasses of wine and I've wanted to post this for a while.

I'm married, happily-ish, and have two young dc. I don't really know where this has come from but I've been feeling deeply unhappy for a few years.

I've always had boyfriends and male partners. The sex is ok, I'm not that bothered about it to be honest and never climax.

It just sort of hit me the other day. I realised that I do 'check out' women. I only ever fantasize about women when I'm, you know, going solo. I haven't really questioned this because it just felt normal and maybe because it felt taboo (parents extremely old school and very outspoken against homosexuality) Also it just feels safer to fantasize about women (I was subject to an attack when younger)

And I did have a girlfriend at my largely female school for a time when I was 15, semi-serious but I just started dating boys when I moved away for college.

Now I'm not sure if I did that because it was easier. It didn't seem like a conscious decision at the time.

Fuck, this sounds really self centred doesn't it? Obviously I'm not going to blow up DH and dc's lives because I'm confused but is it possible? Can you just 'realise' one day you may be a lesbian or am I having some sort of breakdown?!

No OP it's not OK at all.

There are two very separate issues here - your H assaulting you, and your sexuality.

I speak as a married bisexual woman and even if i were completely straight, and in your position, I would leave my H.

Then take some time for yourself to work it all out. You'll feel the better for it - are you on edge a lot incase there is a repeat of his behaviour?

SheGotOffThePlane I think I am yes. During Christmas and New Years I did feel more anxious after I realised he'd had a few too many to drink. I took steps to make sure nothing happened (on NYE asked DM if we could stay over as it was late and the dc were tired)

I don’t think whether you are straight/bi/gay is the issue right now.

I think you just need to be you, on your own, away from your DH.

It’s a shame you allowed them to guilt you into taking him back.

I think you need to pull up your Big Girl Pants and tell DH it’s over. No matter what your sexuality is, you are not happy in your marriage. Clearly neither is he or you wouldn’t have ended up with him almost taking you by force. I blame him for doing that, but I don’t blame him for being unhappy in a sexless marriage. I expect he’s tolerating it now because it’s preferable to not living with his kids and he might be seeing someone on the side for a sexual relationship. It’s not good for you, him OR the kids to be living like this.

No my lovely things are not ok.

Whatever your sexuality is is fine and you have plenty of time to find that out but just now it seems your in a pretty bad situation and at the very least a bad relationship and that needs to take priority. (In my opinion)

I'm really glad you've posted here so you can get some advice and support because you need it and more importantly you bloody deserve it!

Your gp, women's aid and other organisations can help you and put you in touch with the relevant supports you need.

Don't all women check out other women???
I suppose evolutionary psychology would say you're checking out the competition.

Can I suggest starting a new thread CeNedras if you need to.

It has changed a lot since it started and some people will post after only reading the first post so it might not be relevant.

Not unheard of.

A school mum went off with a woman after being married for 22 years. I remember gossips having a field day. I still see her. Lovely woman she actually is like a completely different person. Happier.

My mum's stepsister knew from a young age that she was only attracted to women. But she decided to do the "right thing". Got married, had children but she's an unhappy soul, it's written all over her.

Aren't a lot of people bi-sexual? I don't mean that in any ignorant way. I'm happy with OP. But I've always fancied (certain) women too. It's simply that I fancy men more.

I hope you give yourself the chance to be who you really want to be, OP. One life n all that...

During Christmas and New Years I did feel more anxious after I realised he'd had a few too many to drink. I took steps to make sure nothing happened (on NYE asked DM if we could stay over as it was late and the dc were tired)

You no longer trust your husband not to assault or rape you. In normal marriages, women or men don't have to make arrangements to ensure they will not be assaulted after their partner has a few too many. Honestly, this is the biggest issue in front of you and I don't know how you can go on from this. Trusting the man you live with not to assault you is fairly basic.

It is possible that you are fixing on this attraction to women because you are subconsciously looking for a way out. you don't need a way out. the door is there and you can walk through it.

Yes, people discover their sexual preferences in their 30s.
They may have suspected as you did but never really articulated it to themselves. You may well be gay or bi. Your next relationship might be with a woman or a man. That isn't the issue. The issue is you felt you had to stay with your mother in order to be safe on NYE. I'm not sure how you can continue in such a marriage.

Yes it can happen I was married for ten years been together 14 had two young children when I met and fell in love with a woman. Completely blindsided me.

Much upsetting fall out for both of us but she and I have been together 11 yrs now, married two years and are incredibly happy.

I'd only ever had relationships with men and had never reallly considered that I might be anything other than straight. I guess as others have said sexuality is fluid and on a spectrum. I genuinely believe my sexuality changed - I wasn't the least bit interested in having relationships with women in my younger years and was actually a bit boy mad as a teenager. Maybe that was a biological thing designed to make me look for a potential father. Who knows? Not me.

I feel like this is more complex than just whether or not you like women and should be exploring that - you've recently been seriously assaulted by your husband, and that will no doubt be clouding your judgement and informing your decisions and instincts. I do think that counselling would help you unpick all of this, and give you the foundations upon which you can build a happier future... Close your eyes and imagine what that happiness looks, sounds, and feels like and start making small efforts to get yourself there.. Good luck.

But in itself I think that fantasising about women is something plenty of straight women do

Really? I'm not sure that's true.

OP it sounds like you've got a lot going on and therapy definitely sounds like it could help, whatever you decide.

Sadly it looks game over for this marriage. Don't bring your kids up in anything but a loving partnership. If the two of you don't have that, stop wasting each others time.

The sex of the next partner is a different issue.

Experiment with your hubby. Try a website fab swingers, loads of couples do it. Honest!!!! X

If you’re not happy and do not want to be in this relationship that is an entirely ok choice and no one should ever make you feel otherwise!

Channel your username and use that imperial power within you

Not many couples do it after a serious sexual assault though do they!

I think people are missing the issues you have with your husband assaulting you, and the way that makes you feel...

A ex friend of mine was subject to childhood sexual abuse. She later married had 1 DD then suddenly left her DH for a woman. She is definitely not happy,she is confused and seems miserable but she makes out she is happy but I can see it in her face and how she's massively let herself go (greasy hair, holey clothes etc) that she regrets it. She now also makes little effort with her DD. It all stems from her childhood abuse that she never ever dealt with and was covered up by her family and never dealt with. Just be sure you've dealt with the attack you've mentioned and make sure it doesn't somehow stem from this as you view women as less of a threat etc. Also it is totally normal for a straight woman to fantasise about women so doesn't necessarily mean anything.

Yes. It’s possible to realise this later in life

My best friend and I were Highschool girlfriends / friends with benefits and romance and best friends (we met when were 7).
She started dating a man when we were about 19.

It took us quite some time to have an honest conversation about what happened.

We ultimately managed to tell each other (a few years later) that we had indeed love each other romantically at that point but that she simply didn’t consider being with me longtime. That it was just so obvious / a given that she’d end up with a man (for her, mentally). And that it took her a long time to accept that she was indeed bisexual.

So... story time over:
If you just don’t see something as possible / don’t even think to think about it. Yes, it’s imo possible that you honestly didn’t know.

I realised at 32 also and have been with my girlfriend for 9 months now (33). 2 childreb and an ex fiancé so definitely more than possoble!

However, I agree that in your situation therapy is the way to go.

And fantasising about women / having had a girlfriend doesn’t mean you’re homosexual. You might be bisexual. Or primarily heterosexual. Or incidentally homosexual (it’s been some time since I last looked at the Kinsey scale, tbh...)

Anyhow. I think therapy and honest conversations with your DH are the way to go. Good luck

How did you feel when you were in a relationship with a woman? Were you happy?

The fact you have had a relationship already with another girl/woman indicates you could be gay/bi.

If you have decided not to leave your dh and you are largely happy why change anything?
What is the point in digging over it? If you are bisexual it makes little or no difference to your life.
If you are feeling very unhappy being married and/or you are feeling pressure to change your life because of very strong feelings towards women, then that is different and it might be worth exploring. You might be a bit bored or have these feelings for years only you can decide...but if you the upshot is that you are staying put then leave your adolescent bi days behind you and see them for what they are...

Your post is conflicted, you say you are 'happy-ish' married and then in the second line you say you are deeply unhappy.

Which one is it?

Figuring that out alone will be helpful.

Deeply unhappy - you need therapy, serious conversations with dh

Happy-Isa - very little need to change anything

happy-Isa - happyish

OP when you say 'it's a bit late' - what do you mean? Obviously people who are not happy in their marriages end them all the time. I think you can separate out being gay from knowing that you might find fulfilment outside your marriage.

Getting divorced if you don't love him enough isn't selfish. Yes it's important to see if you can salvage the relationship but personally I think it's incredibly important that parents provide GOOD role modelling of relationships - and that means the parents need to be happy in all ways.

There is no point staying together while modelling a cold/ friendly but distant relationship - would you want your DC's to grow up to have an unfulfilled life like that? Whatever you behave like they will see and learn.

I didn't see the post about him pushing you sexually. Sorry the posts loaded up after I posted.

That is completely different. I suspect you don't want to sleep with him and this has nothing to do with having babies and feeling overwhelmed with motherhood. We all do, but fundamentally we still want to be with our dh in an intimate way eventually. It is not okay for him to do that, and I am not surprised you are hurt and upset.

I don't think you can brush any of this under the carpet, him grabbing you like that nor your feelings about other women. You need some time on your own to work out your feelings with a trusted professional and not couple counselling. Something is very wrong with your relationship anyway and your sexuality is a side issue.

He didn't actually rape me, but it felt like that wasn't far off happening, with unwanted touching/grabbing and things like that. He cried and said it was because I wouldn't have sex with him.

Jesus. He sounds like a manipulative arse with boundary issues.

I think you have to be careful to not ‘mesh’ the various issues. 1. How you feel about your marriage? 2. Why you feel that way (because of DH’s actions, because of him as a person or because he’s male)? 3. Your past trauma.

You could also come to the conclusion that you do indeed feel better / lighter without DH and try to ‘deal’ with your sexuality after that.

DH and I did actually separate for a few months after that incident, and I did feel a lot 'lighter'. But I felt guilty as he was crying down the phone every day pretty much and mil was calling saying how much the dc must be missing him. I caved in.

This is imo a pretty big indication that you might be happier without your DH. Whether you’re straight, bi, gay etc...